Why The Apology

Cross-Posted from Pages yesterday to this blog. Reference at the end.

Why The Apology

Life is precious no matter whose life it is. I let my pain, our pain, nudge me to one side more than to another. Just like they did. They? I know! We separate ourselves from one another and we shouldn’t.

Triquetra

Opioids, addiction, loss of loved ones in life or death ended up with the development of the CDC Guidelines. The recommendations. This led to the current affairs and even our President declaring an emergency over it. It influenced further lack of care for even compliant pain patients and has caused more suffering.

The many who believed in over prescribing and the opioids being an epidemic couldn’t see or didn’t want to acknowledge that there are other people in the world who would end up losing, too.

By reducing and removing these analgesics without a plan in place to substitute relief the quality of life provided by these medications would lesson and some people would end up choosing suicide, and many would live with the ideations not knowing how to go on.

I suppose in it all our selfishness as human beings to want it our way disregards the need of others who aren’t us.

I’ve been selfish too.

We end up fighting for our causes, creating campaigns, starting movements, staying steadfast in our agendas which are in a sense born of pain in one aspect or other and then we blame each other.

I still believe that we all have choices and that responsibility for those choices should be on ourselves and that we should accept those consequences.

Addiction, any type of, is a mental health issue. I’ve learned that the impulses that drive people to do what they do are no longer their fault once they reach the point of losing clarity. to make proper decisions.  I understand better that when the point is reached where the mind has become so weakened by the addiction that the ability to make the better choice for themselves fails to exist.

I had taken this year for me. For my healing. I’m still healing and progressing.

I wish for all of us that the new year gives us all a new chance to heal from our pain whether in body, mind, or spirit and that we can all find peace in pain.

Journey on.


In reference to:

to those I ever offended ‘re . Agendas. Some existing beliefs/ personal experiences, I’ve grown and I love you too.

iPain Heroes of Hope – iPain Foundation

2016 iPain Hero of Hope Nomination Categories

http://powerofpain.org/ipain-heroes-of-hope/

ipain hero graphic

HERO of HOPE iPain Awards

Melanie McDowell Advocacy Hero of Hope Award

iPain Foundation presents the Melanie McDowell Pain Advocacy Award. The recipient is a pain patient or provider who has demonstrated outstanding commitment to assisting and advocating for people with neuropathy and pain conditions. This could be within the field of research, education, awareness, or patient assistance.

Caregiver Hero of Hope Award

Caregivers represent service in areas such as nursing, certified nursing assistants, social services, certified medical technicians, therapy, activities, housekeeping, food service and volunteers. We honor these people who give of themselves and make a difference in the lives of those they care for in long-term care.

Corporate Support Hero of Hope Award

This person or group is recognized for being innovators & leaders supporting daily living with chronic pain disease conditions. This can be research for daily living aids, drug development, survey data collecting. Specific or non specific research for effective treatments in the chronic pain community.

The Nerve to be Heard Hero of Hope Award

Nominations are being accepted for those who Have the Nerve to be Heard. This person has been recognized for bringing awareness to the challenges of living with chronic pain in national or international media. Nominees could include patients, patient advocates, celebrity, legislators, professional Olympic athletes, etc.

Nominations for 2016 Hero of Hope awards are now open.

Thank you all for nominating someone who has made a positive difference in your life. We all know someone who has made a difference.  Whether its your life or someone close to you, we all make a difference. Nominations for people who are making a significant contribution within the field of research, education, awareness, and/or patient assistance are now open.If chosen to move on to the next round you will be notified and your nominee will be notified.

Additional information may be requested as needed by our panel of judges Nominations accepted between April 1 and June 30, 2016 Finalist chosen by iPain Gala Committee by July 15, 2016 Recipient will be chosen by the iPain Board of Directors between by July 31, 2016

Award winner will be announced in early Aug. 2016

Source: iPain Heroes of Hope – iPain Foundation

melanie-mcdowell-award-winners-previous-award-recipients1

Previous iPain Award Recipients


Please use the form above to formally choose your award nominee(s). You may nominate as many of your favorite Heroes in either categories as you like. There’s lots of Hero’s out there, show them that you recognize all they do for you, and others.    ~Twinkle

The Opposite of Fear is Faith

Image Credit by Ozra September 24, 2015 Bay Area CA_1.

Image Credit by Ozra

Is it? I think that’s a truth statement, mostly. Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.,whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. One definition of Faith is defined as confidence or trust in a person or thing; belief in anything. Without having something to believe in, to add light to darkness, or hope in pain, change, love there really can’t be either. Yin and Yang. It takes one to have the other. It also takes commitment to oneself. Believing in ourselves when no one else does. Saving our own lives, if we must. 

“One betrayal costs a hundred devotions. One deception sacrifices ten loyalties. One misconception is the price paid toward assumptions and against each other”. ~Dyversiti

The struggle has been real and it’s been hard, but no one has really known that but me. I feel like the 5 years forward I’ve come (and the 10 years it took to get the there) has led 15 years backwards. I’m not physically or emotionally well and trying so very hard to not have a bitter heart.  ‘Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do”. I’ve always continued to love and care, and.. forgive even when the pain was on me because I was #StrongerThanPain and I was stronger because fear and faith ran simultaneously through me, always.

In Theology, Grace is defined as the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God; the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them. The Grace of God has been with me all the while. I’m already flawless in his eyes. Yet I fear… yes I fear, my journey has only just begun. Faith will evenly carry me through it. Hope is seemingly unconditional, but hope is conditional upon others, energy, an action.

BELIEVE

by Twinkle VanFleet

WITHOUT HOPE,

WE WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO PRAY FOR-

WITHOUT FAITH,

WE WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO BELIEVE IN,

WITHOUT LIFE AND DEATH,

WE WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO-

WITHOUT GOD,

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN NOTHING AT ALL.

©1995-1999-2016 Twinkle Wood-VanFleet/Golden Rainbow Poetry/All rights reserved. (Written in the 80’s)

 

Dependent on medication management, I was. I still am, yet I’m not actually taking any pain relieving medication at all. It’s easier to send someone off to mental health than it is to understand that sometimes, usually, those meds give back life, instead of take it away. And in my case it did both.

Live On Give On | Applications for the 2016 #BakkenInvitation Award now open.

Twinkle receiving award- January 16, 2016

Twinkle VanFleet, Sacramento California. Bakken Award Recipient 2015. Received from Dr. Earl Bakken, Medtronic Co Founder in Kona Hawaii, January 16, 2016.

About the Bakken Invitation Inspired by Medtronic co-founder and philanthropist, Earl Bakken, the Bakken Invitation celebrates and connects people who, with the help of medical technology, have overcome health challenges and are now making a difference in their communities.Empowering patients to better manage their health is a key element in Medtronic Philanthropy’s approach to expanding healthcare access to the underserved. By sharing and celebrating stories of patients from all over the world, the Bakken Invitation is designed to not only provide valuable information and inspiration to others, but also foster a global movement of people who “Live On. Give On. ”Get involved at www.LiveOnGiveOn.org

1.

Share a Story For every story shared on the Live On. Give On. global online community, Medtronic Philanthropy will donate $10 to Project HOPE to help ensure that medical technology is available in underserved communities around the world.2.

Apply or nominate  The Bakken Invitation Award recognizes outstanding contributions of service, volunteerism and leadership around the world.  Selected Bakken Invitation Honorees will earn a $20,000 (USD) grant from Medtronic Philanthropy to direct to a charity of their choice, and a trip to Hawaii for a celebration event to meet Medtronic co-founder Earl Bakken.

Applications for the 2016 are now open.

Applicant Criteria: Individuals who, with the help of medical technology, are giving their time and talent to improve the quality of life for others. Nominees must be 14 years or older.Individuals must be using an approved medical device therapy to treat one of the following disease categories: heart disease; diabetes; chronic pain; spinal disorders; or neurological, gastroenterological and urological disorders. All applicants with eligible medical technology are welcome to apply, regardless of device manufacturer.Applicants must have an established relationship of involvement with a legal nonprofit organization for six months or more.3.

Connect with the Community Medtronic also hosts a global online community where all patients can share how they are giving back after receiving extra life from a medical device.

At http://www.LiveOnGiveOn.org, they can connect with other people who share similar health conditions and charitable passions in their hometown and around the world.“What are you doing with your extra life?”That’s the question from Medtronic co-founder, inventor and philanthropist Earl Bakken that inspired the Bakken Invitation. He acknowledges that his pacemaker, insulin pump and heart stents have given him “extra life,” time he uses to support causes he cares about. Earl knows the gift of extra life is powerful. And while each person chooses how to use their extra time, it is his enduring hope they consider how to give back, in big or small ways.

Connect: Website: LiveOnGiveOn.org Facebook: facebook.com/LiveOnGiveOn

Twitter: #LiveOnGiveOn

Source: Live On Give On

As a 2015 Bakken Invitation Honoree from Sacramento, California. I wish you all well.. and enough.  If you need any help with the nominee or application processes, I’ll do what I can to assist you through it.

Honored, privileged and grateful – Grant recipient: @powerofpain International Pain Foundation, your power of pain headquarters.

We are turning pain to power!

InternationalPain.org   PowerofPain.org   PowerofPain.org   

 

Over

In the last week I’ve shared about 6 video’s in the raw. Unedited, me without make up, me with make up, me just going on about the last few months or more, blah blah.

I made it 15 years. I made the last 10 with SCS, medication and functional restoration and the last 4 by medication management, SCS, and home functional restoration enough to help me set goals and achieve them. Sometimes it can really take time to get unstuck from the pain cycles, the why me’s, sulking pity party. I busted my butt, learned, wanted to learn, and aside from a patient, I’m a caregiver too. Hard? It has to be done.

So many times I’ve had to alter my list of the 3 most important tasks needing done in a day. I’d move the least important to the top of the following day’s list. All those little tricks and things I’ve learned over the years that hang out in my toolbox of survival mechanisms.

I knew it was almost over. I just never imagined it would be by the hands and decisions of others/provider’s before giving up of my own. I just didn’t think…  of all the thinking I do that my award also became part of my end. I worked hard for that. Decades for that. Unpaid for that.

Spontaneous? Not really. I messaged my mom to have my Advanced Directive revoked and destroyed. I’ve tried to and I haven’t been able to get them back. It was Valentine’s Day, I called the radio station The new STAR and dedicated a song to my man. I’ll hold back on that song title right now. I took the last walk I ever thought I’d walk. It was long and hard, and I had to sit on people’s lawns or lean against trees or mailboxes and it was really only a little farther than end of our block.

Am I a quitter, a coward? Perception.  A quitter and a coward would have never rolled into those headlights, but let’s be fair, I haven’t quit yet.

I was already in withdrawal, unstable, but woke up to a nice day. It was all good until I re read the first denial letter stating those 2 medications (Cymbalta and Zonegran) weren’t medically necessarily and not supported by the California MTUS (Yes they are). It also claimed that due to the doctors report it was left to interpretation on a couple of matters and one of them was that those 2 medications didn’t reduce my potential for abuse or minimize my current opioid use. Seriously?!!

I appealed and I won. No potential for abuse or misuse and both medically necessary.

Approved on appeal February 16, 2016.  I’m still not on them, nor am I on any pain reliever at all.

I can get through the 7’s, bouncing 8’s and 9’s. I can use my tools to bring those 8/9’s down enough to level myself. I couldn’t handle the 9/10 I couldn’t bring myself out of it. The physical 9/10 that can make you lose your mind. Why? Because it’s in your mind where you’re coping abilities and strategies are.

Already living in your head all day just to manage your 7, see what happens when 10 comes and there isn’t any help. I’ve rarely used 10 in my entire life, I seldom use 9, except to acknowledge it gets there off and on throughout any day for seconds, minutes, hours.

10 though! I drank that bottle, intoxicated, drunk, I could care less about labels because I hit the ground on my stomach and face so hard I passed out. Somnolence, narcoleptic episodes (diagnosed) or alcohol, perhaps a combination of each. Though my husband said he dropped me as I was leaning against him.

I walked out of our gate and stood against our lamp post. Husband came out and told me to go back inside. I wasn’t doing anything but standing there, reflecting, thinking, but then…

He started grabbing me to lead me in and a lady called the Sheriff’s Department on him for abusing me. He wasn’t, but he was in my space and I just wanted to chill. I was sure to tell her that he didn’t hurt me, beat me, abuse me and that I was fine. I was. I think.

Our street, people drive down it like there is no road and a speed limit doesn’t exist.

That was my out! I laid down in the center of the street, spread my arms and my legs as best as I could and I could see headlights flying right for me. Am I mad I was pulled out of the street? A little. Why would I ever think to let a driver be responsible for killing me. Well how about this, slow down and do the speed limit. Everything is a learning experience.

The unbelievable inaccuracies in my medical records are nearly beyond fixing. Medications listed I’m not even taking, and a few for more than a year. I’ve updated again since my release and tonight I peeked at my Patient EMR. They’re all still listed. So the medications go on the record, but they don’t come off? There’s a difference between previously taken medications (inactive) and medications currently taking (active). It say’s I’m on 11 medications including 2 opioids, a benzo, oic med, lidoderm patches, cymbalta, and zonegran and I”M NOT!  Lisinopril, Hydralazine, Atorvastatin and Nuvigil. That is what I’m on. 4 medications. Red flag above 7, did you know that? So yes, I’ve been red flagged and it’s flying the wrong way.

I’m sorry to the Sacramento County Sheriff’s Department, the Metropolitan Fire Department and the EMT and probably ambulance driver too. I didn’t trust you.

When you asked if I was in pain? I told you I wouldn’t tell you even if I was… Because… I wasn’t going to have in my record an opioid pain reliever documented as given to me. Yeah I suffered and I suffered for not being truthful. I’m learning though that truth and honesty is just someone elses made up lies. Unfortunate casualties of the world we live in.

To the Officer that lacked a little faith, I pray I left you with something. Heart! Have a little faith that sometimes not everyone is who the rest of the world made us out to be.

I’m not sorry for the actions that led to my consequences or my responsibility in it. It’s forever now.  I’m glad I screamed all the policy issues going on and made it loud and clear for blocks. I’m sorry for all those who played a part and either bailed or covered their own asses. I’m sorry for all those who think relieving pain leads to misuse, abuse and heroin above the overdoses that are self inflicted one way or the other.

Who ever thought it’d be me? No one!

Courage - Your fear

Goals? Get my lyrics out to those who’ve been interested and play that part of a lifetime. Really though, I’ve already done everything I wanted. From Poster Girl to TV Commercial, being published by my 20’s, being a part of Sacramento history in the news, hard copy, on the news live, iPain Foundation, my own endeavors. All in the background from my space, my cubby.

I’ll either fly off this earth by the grace of God, or by my faith in options. Take that as you will. I’ve had to choose, make choices, decisions, options to save my own life. My own!

Still not what you would simply assume.

I don’t hardly care about much right now because I can’t fix me enough to put in the few hours a month I had been to help others. I’m numb and it’s not the numb I wish it was. It really is easy to rectify wrongs, accidents, mistakes, oversights, correct errors and be responsible for your own actions. It really is easy to do. The only reason someone would choose not to is to hide their own guilt and be unable or against a face to face with you in the presence of a sit down meeting with lead staff for a reconciliation. I feel bad about that and I shouldn’t because I did move to rectify and was denied. I was even denied the 30 days of “emergency care” allotted by law when being dismissed by a provider.

I am grateful for the person who provided LLLT and Bowen Therapy yesterday. Bowen might take a few more times. LLLT I’ve done a few times before. The only “maybe” for months.

Really though, my problem is that I care too much but I think that’s been back handed out of me. None of this is finished, some has only just begun and the rest well…  it is what it is, for now.

Over and…

out.

 

The Body, Mind and Spirit; Humanizing the Soul

https://rsdadvisory.com/2016/02/11/the-body-mind-and-spirit-humanizing-the-soul/

It Really Hurts to Hurt | Live On. Give On.

https://rsdadvisory.com/2016/03/20/it-really-hurts-to-hurt-live-on-give-on/

The Unintended Side Effects of Fighting Prescription Drug Abuse by Twinkle VanFleet

The California Progress Report January 8, 2015

http://www.californiaprogressreport.com/site/unintended-side-effects-fighting-prescription-drug-abuse

Bracelets; Lockdown; Profound and Letdown

https://rsdadvisory.com/2016/02/26/bracelets-lockdown-profound-and-letdown/

Death: Overdose or Suicide?

Dont Say...If I had anything worth betting, I’d bet that many of the documented opioid related overdose deaths were suicides.

How dare I say such a thing? Because in either circumstance the people who should have known better, didn’t. Why didn’t they know? Because they didn’t want to.

No one wants to acknowledge that their child, spouse, parent or partner has a drug problem or is at risk for misuse or abuse and no one wants to believe that even those who appear the strongest, laughing, joking, caregiving, keeping it together for you, would ever take their own lives.

A person seeks medical care to gain something; pain management, acute or chronic, or to manipulate for medications they don’t actually need, but want.

Some people fall through the cracks of not only the medical communities, unintended consequences, access to care, emergency services, but families, too.

I’ll leave this post short and simple.

Ponder that!

National Pain Strategy PAINS Collaborators Meeting Recap – COMMUNITY PAIN CENTER

National Pain Strategy PAINS Collaborators Meeting Recap

By Barby Ingle, Power of Pain Foundation President

On June 29 and 30, 2015, the Pain Action Alliance to Implement a National Strategy (PAINS), a group of over 100 pain collaborators and stakeholders, came together in Washington DC to discuss the National Pain Strategy (NPS). The purpose was to provide attendees an opportunity to discuss the NPS and find areas of agreement on next steps, collaborations, priorities, and to hold accountable those responsible for implementation.As the president of the Power of Pain Foundation, I was invited to participate. I went into the meeting with some preconceived notions based on little happening since the Institute of Medicine’s report in 2011 and didn’t expect much to be accomplished. To my great surprise, the meeting exceeded my expectations. I left the meeting feeling that a path toward implementation of stronger access to care issues was clarified as a result of the meeting. I am excited to be one of the attendees present that will be helping move a chronic pain agenda forward, making a difference in the lives of those living with pain.The goals of the meeting were to encourage collaboration among key pain community leaders, to promote the NPS report and build enthusiasm for it, and to facilitate conversations about how to move forward to implementation of the strategy outlined in the report.For me, the meeting clarified the path ahead for the NPS in terms of priorities,implementation, next steps, funding,leadership and accountability. One of the unintended outcomes from the meeting was the consensus to support the messaging of the Chronic Pain Advocacy Task Force (CPATF). The CPATF is a group of 17 consumer advocacy groups convened by the State Pain Policy Action Network (SPPAN), which is a program of the American Academy of Pain Management (AAPM). As a founding member of the CPATF and the representative of one of the 17 groups involved, I was very proud to see that our work was recognized by this larger group of collaborators and stakeholders. As agreed upon, the core messages are: Chronic pain is a real and complex disease that may exist by itself or be linked with other medical conditions.Chronic pain is both an under-recognized and under-resourced public health crisis with devastating personal and economic impact. Effective chronic pain care requires access to a wide range of treatment options, including biomedical, behavioral health and complementary treatment. Denying appropriate care to people with chronic pain is unethical and can lead to unnecessary suffering, depression, disability, and even suicide.

Read the entire article at:

Source: National Pain Strategy PAINS Collaborators Meeting Recap – COMMUNITY PAIN CENTER