The Other Side of Pain

sad_facw_behind_a_smiling_face_by_mudabbirali-resizedI’m a confused person at this point in my life and it’s my journey to unravel. Some may think admitting openly to alcohol misuse is something I should have kept to myself. I don’t think so. I think it gave me the opportunity to understand those who’ve self medicated with anything. I didn’t drink everyday, I wasn’t a social drinker, or a party person. My actions of misuse were perhaps a half dozen times ever. What’s the difference between getting drunk, drinking on a regular basis, and misuse? I think the difference is I knew better. I knew better at the time I poured it. Maybe similar to those who misuse RX’s knew better at the time they took them. The ability to know better ends or decreases once altered. I had learned by the 2nd or 3rd time that I shouldn’t drink depressed. I opted to drink the one I shouldn’t have had. You know the one we shouldn’t have, that next one? While I have no personal experience with opioid misuse or addiction I think I know why people do that. At least I hope I do so that maybe I can go on one day to help them, too. Help the families recognize there’s a problem, or that the potential for one can arise. It only takes a few extra pills or that extra shot of booze to change us. There isn’t any excuse. There are reasons. I do have experience with a fatal heroin overdose who was my husbands step sister. We disconnected her from life support.

5 years ago I was so afraid for my husband after his quadruple bypass heart surgery which was after 2 prior heat attacks that I probably nagged him more than his physicians did in reminding him to care for himself better. He became so lost in his pain, the various diagnosis’, emotions and depression as well that after awhile there wasn’t anything left I could do for him. He had to do it himself. Last month the 3rd heart attack happened. Through all this and other events, I began to decline mentally. Physically I could barely make it around the house. I just didn’t want to care for awhile. I’m someone that cares too deeply and I give everything and often to my own detriment.

I’m not ashamed of my actions, but I’m sorry for them.

As previously mentioned I’ve busted my butt this year changing my pain to manageable pain for myself in all the pain related diagnosis’ I have. I’ve worked on myself emotionally, but that can still be wishy washy at times.  I see things differently than I did before and I see them from the perspective of people needing to do more for themselves.

Did you do the followup home PT your physical therapist suggested? Nope. Do any of the exercises and movements on the how-to sheets of paper you were sent home with? You know the ones that even have the pictures outlined on them? Nope. Hardly anyone does and they should be done daily. Are you doing what your physician told you to? Remove or reduce inflammatory foods for chronic pain syndrome? Nope. For Diabetes reduce sugar intake? Nope. For coronary heart disease reduce cholesterol? Nope.

What the hell does anyone want then? For someone else to do it for them?

I have his dinner ready each work night when he gets home at 11:00 p.m. Last night I was exhausted and was asleep by 11:20 p.m. Slept 4 hours and here I am. I provide him home cooked balanced meals, I even spend days making food in batches so that I can freeze it for easy dinners later. Heat and serve. I do this so I can have lighter days and keep myself from flaring. I can’t control anything I don’t make and I can’t do anything about his pain either. He has to

There’s so many people doing the same thing or rather not doing. Like everyone else he’s an amazing person, too.

The help people need the most can really only be found within themselves.

I went to Church yesterday morning. It’s where I’m at most peace. I stood for all our songs. 3 in the beginning of service and 1 at the end of it  I’m really sore, but I won’t call it pain for myself. If I get stuck on the thought of pain because of pain then it will escalate and I know this.

He’s finally pushing through more for himself now because he realizes he’s not going to get another chance. Will it be enough? I don’t know and it scares the shit out of me.

I’m severely afraid to lose him. I already was and now I am even more all over again. I’ve been his since I was 17.

What happens to us as people? Do we lose faith in ourselves? (Not a religious statement). Do we expect other’s to make our differences for us? Of course most do. At what point do we finally decide it’s up to us? When there’s no options left?

I can never reach a 9/10 again. Ever! I’m responsible for me. I roll my ball all over my body to promote blood flow, reduce inflammation, swelling, help my internal organs and structures not break down further. I stretch, and sometimes I still have to move my toes and fingers manually.

Should I be in mental health services? Probably. I was directly after my breakdown as a condition of my release. It was short term and expired. I tried again and it didn’t work out. I’m not suicidal and I look for things to laugh at or with and smile at each day over something. Painting, drum box, things that doesn’t matter if I’m any good at as long as it’s something I’m doing. Remembering all the good things above any type of painful ones helps keep pain from rising. There’s a calm in the happy place. I realize sometimes I do this simultaneously, the good and the bad. Working on that, too. I do have much to look forward to and I’m grateful for so many things and people in life.

I have to minimize my triggers, stressors, my anxiety highs and I do get triggered randomly. Not anyone’s fault. It’s mine. Before I say anything I wouldn’t otherwise say before the trigger, I need to click the X in the top right corner of my screen and log off. I have the mindfulness to know these things I just need to do better to implement them.

I had only been getting on for about 30 minutes between 1 and 2 p.m. and again about 8 p.m. after my nap and was entirely off every few days, but the last few days, off and on even more. It can get lonely with just me, myself, and I all day.  I’ll have to suck that one up too.

Valerian Root is helpful for sleep support and can provide an element of pain relief. I hope it can help some of you who didn’t know of it’s uses. If you’re on medications make sure there wouldn’t be any adverse affects.

It might take me another entire year in healing forward. I suppose a year isn’t that long. It may also be a lifelong ongoing process. I hope not. That might be a really long time. lol

It’s exhausting just thinking about that. Ha!

I do love you all. I can’t help you in your physical pain, eventually I’ll try to with how-to videos, but I’m already on the path to help in the psychological aspects that are even more important.

Goodnight again for now.



My Natural Alternatives for Pain, Depression and Anxiety.

My natural alternatives for pain, depression, anxiety, pain management, and medication management that I’ve used over the last year that has afforded me an ability to maintain physical pain levels in addition to the emotional secondary conflicts that living with intractable pain has caused.

I look forward to those of you who can provide additional natural or holistic recommendations for myself and others.

Please be advised that any information that I share is NOT medical advice and that I’m not responsible for your choice to consider or use any of the options provided. Always consult with your healthcare team or pharmacist first.

Milk Thistle

Commonly used to detox the body, especially the liver. It can also help control or prevent Diabetes, lower cholesterol and is an antiinflammatory.

Anti inflammatory, antioxidant, treats arthritis and pain related diseases and disorders, including age related chronic diseases. It can be effective as an antidepressant.

Chronic inflammation is known to be a contributor to many common Western diseases, syndromes, and other illnesses. Curcumin the active
ingredient in Turmeric can inhibit many molecules known to play major roles in inflammation.

Curcumin Boosts Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor, Linked to Improved Brain Function and Lower Risk of Brain Diseases. Ref: Healthline.

For Anxiety and Insomnia- Valerian Root

Valerian root is a common ingredient sold in dietary supplements. It claims to cure insomnia and nervous tension caused by anxiety. Valerian has been used for centuries as an herbal remedy.

It was used in ancient Greece and Rome to ease:


Based on the available research, take 300 to 600 milligrams (mg) of valerian root 30 minutes to two hours before bedtime. This is best for insomnia or sleep trouble. For tea, soak 2 to 3 grams of dried herbal valerian root in 1 cup of hot water for 10 to 15 minutes.

Valerian root seems to work best after taking it regularly for two or more weeks. Don’t take valerian root for more than a month without talking to your doctor.

I use Valerian both as a hot tea and in capsule form. It’s been quite helpful as a replacement for prescribed medications.

*** If you’re on any medications, please discuss using the Valerian Root with your physician or pharmacist.

It’s believed that magnesium in citrate are better absorbed than sulfate forms.


Top 9 Health Benefits of Magnesium

Helps Increase Energy.
Calms Nerves and Anxiety.
Treats Insomnia and Helps You Fall Asleep.
Helps with Digestion by Relieving Constipation.
Relieves Muscle Aches and Spasms.
Regulates Levels of Calcium, Potassium and Sodium.
Important for Heart Health.
Prevents Migraine Headaches.

Dreams– Some people have reported lucid dreaming using it. Being a lucid dreamer already, I love this for myself.

Magnesium Sulfate also known as Epsom’s salt.
More info:

I use Magnesium in both capsule form as well as drink it in the sulfate form. Yes it’s the same form that we use to soak in baths with. It helps constipation for any reason. In the capsule form it provides natural ease from depression.

Echinacea for immune system support and more.


Vitamins B12, B1, B6, Calcium, Zinc, Vitamin C are each important also.

Chamomile, peppermint, Lavender, Rosemary, Ginger, Green teas.

Ginger, I shave, cut and steep fresh ginger for it’s anti inflammatory properties and to use for female problems, namely dysmenorrhea. It is a blood thinner too so don’t use it if taking a pharmaceutical that’s also a thinner.

Chia seeds

“Chia” means strength, and folklore has it that these cultures used the tiny black and white seeds as an energy booster. That makes sense, as chia seeds are a concentrated food containing healthy omega-3 fatty acids, carbohydrates, protein, fiber, antioxidants, and calcium.

It truly is a super food. A really good article from August 2nd 2017 can be found on

I use them nearly everyday. in both food and drink.


It can be used for pain relief, depression, anxiety and a number of other ailments. It can be used as a stimulant. Each is dependent on dosing. It’s only dangerous if not used responsibly just like anything else. The only effect I’ve ever felt from it is a sense of calming which helped physical pain. I’ve drank it as a tea.

St. Johns Wort. This can cause adverse effects if taken with medications. It can be quite helpful for those who aren’t on any medications. It can interact adversely with other herbs or supplements.  Be safe.

“Some of the most impressive health benefits of St. John’s Wort include its ability to treat depression, improve mood swings, relieve anxiety, reduce the severity of premenstrual symptoms, ease addictive tendencies, regulate hormonal activity, prevent cancer, protect against viral infections, reduce inflammation, and soothe the nervous system.” Ref: Organic Facts.


Epsom salts for soaking in order to relieve aching muscles and promote relaxation. I adore the Lavender and Eucalyptus kind and have even added it to my kiddie pool this summer. It provides aromatherapy as well as physical relaxation. It promotes a happy mood. Don’t drink this type though!

Epsom’s salts gel. It’s a topical form of Epsoms and can be applied to painful areas.

Aspercreme with Lidocaine

Thermo heat wraps

It’s the same ingredient found in chili peppers. It’s hot. It can be helpful for some and adverse to others. It’s actually something I’m not able to use, The heat was severe and I couldn’t even wash it off without it burning for an extended period of time.

Pre natal vitamins are a source of multivitamins in a single dose. Don’t overuse it.

I’m still not able to walk long, but I am able to stay up longer and take more steps. I haven’t been able to run yet and it’s been over 17 years that I have.
I’ve been able to restore some bad posture that was also contributing to pain levels, dysfunction and spinal deterioration. I’ve learned to breathe better by being more mindful to belly breath instead of hold my breath in pain and hyperventilate. My little kiddie pool has been great for me this summer as it has allowed me to move my limbs, bones, muscles, and spine with weightless effort. This has helped me do a little more outside of water.

I’ve restored blood restriction from movement. I’ve reduced discoloration and edema in my CRPS side. I’ve eased a lot of internal organ involvement by using my little ball (A tennis ball learned at the Gohl Program) on my belly in a circular motion minimally a few times a week. Stretching, movement.

You might be thinking how? right now. How can you? How can I? Am I better off than you are regarding pain, crps, etc? Or a need for medication management? Know how many times I’ve asked myself how can I without any? How can I do my routines? The ones that also hurt me. You may be thinking you can’t do  or use any of the above because you’re in too much pain or you simply can’t stand the taste of something. I know. I was on pain relieving medication since the injury that led to my CRPS began. Even before the diagnosis itself. Since day 1. January 26, 2001 and then I suddenly wasn’t anymore. Of course I was dependent. I’ve had the Medtronic SCS since 2006.

I’ve had many people tell me they’re on Oxycodone with secondary Hydrocodone, or an extended release with a another pain medication for breakthrough pain and how they’re still at a 10 in pain.

Imagine that 10 with opioid medication and my “any pain level” without. If you can truly imagine that for just a moment then you might understand why I didn’t want to live anymore and how I became adamant that I wouldn’t.


I do cook more yet 7 days a week isn’t happening. I do make foods in batches to freeze so that my husband has something to eat. So that we both do on the days that cooking is problematic.  Homemade TV dinners.

I have a wheelchair, or should I say had. It’s on my patio ruined because I let it get rained on. I suppose in the back of my mind I still didn’t want it. I have a walker with a seat and breaks, I have it stored away, I have several cane’s, including 4 prong, I’m not using any of them. I lost my walking stick.

I love nature and being outside even if it’s only on my patio in my little pool. I’d encourage you to trade some of that internet time for nature.

When that pain, or any pain rises from any of my issues, I remind myself that I really am stronger than pain and that I survived for a purpose I had never considered before it all. A purpose that isn’t in CRPS Awareness anymore as it had been the 13 years prior. It’s not in finding a cure for something that most likely will never happen in my lifetime or yours but instead helping people live in the here and the now. Change cognitive beliefs that keep the pain state of mind active and replace those with a sense of healing, ability, and laughter. Laughter increases endorphins and endorphins reduce pain if even for only moments at a time.

It’s in raising your well being and supporting your progress instead of glorifying pain.

Moderate to severe physical pain will affect your emotions, your mind and it causes depression and overwhelming feelings of loss whether that be
a career, livelihood, the friends we once had, or who we were before we became chronic or intractable. It’s a constant cycle of stress and a vicious and a continuous 360 of remaining there. Fight or Flight is the stress response. The way you handle that stress response plays a main role in the ability to cope with physical pain. It’s been said for decades that RSD affects the sympathetic nervous system, the
sympathetic nervous is 1 half of the autonomic nervous system, the other part being the para sympathetic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system resides within the Central Nervous System. No wonder RSD is so out of hand. The Sympathetic nervous system is most commonly known as fight or flight. And more recently, fight, flight or freeze. If we’re in a constant state of stress, distress, our bodies regardless of injury or diagnosis won’t heal either. It can’t.

Understanding the stress response

Chronic activation of this survival mechanism impairs health

The news has reported from several media outlets that addiction and overdose deaths affects families and how those poor families are hurting because of the devastating impact it causes. Fair enough! Will they ever report how chronic pain affects families the same way? Or how our families suffer right along with us? I doubt it. Pain of any kind hurts families not just the pain of overdose that has little to do with any pain patient and everything to do with a choice. Even if the choice was made without the ability to understand the consequences. My choice to die and their choice to take too much. Fair? Suicidal ideations is trying to reason and bargain with pain (any kind) as is anyone who throws back that extra and dies from it.

One of my favorite books is Anatomy and Physiology Made Easy. A Concise Learning Guide To Master The Fundamentals by Dr. Phillip Vaughn. I have the Kindle Version. Available on Amazon. It’s an easy read. The other Anatomy and Physiology book I’m reading is a bit more complicated and more in depth. I would recommend the above title as a starting point for anyone without or without pain,  and as an informative tool regarding the human body, and as a stepping stone in order to understand possibility where possible is seemingly over.

So much can be done with a Yoga ball even from a bed.

(Initially this would have been either a Facebook Live or Periscope Live to share with you. When I’m able, I’ll still do a presentation and also demonstrate some of the techniques I use. IE: balls, dog toys, stretching, etc)

I’ve most likely left out other things I’ve done for myself.

Until next time. x




This Week

While my outside of the water push ups did cause some soreness it didn’t cause any flare. I was over at our son’s the other day and so I missed my pool time. I laid on his carpet and did my push up set. The weird thing about it is the incredible headache that came on and lasted for about 45 minutes. The first time I didn’t think anything of it because I figured I pushed myself too hard and maybe just got a head rush as a result.

The next time, same thing. It doesn’t start though until I’m straining a bit or more. It’s never happened in the water that intensely probably because the water reduces any strain. I felt like I was going to pass out but it eased back down within the hour.

It’s things like this that can make it easier to stop trying more. Almost easier to not do them and avoid the headache or other symptoms all together. It’s crossed my mind like a quick flash of floaties.

Could be too that as I started those upper body routines, I also added neck exercises/movement into my daily movements. Not just a couple up downs with my head, or side to sides, but sets. If I have to I’ll back off of the girl push ups and just do neck movements for awhile.

I don’t know if I’m irritating my cervical spine with both, or if its just that my body is trying to adjust to it all. My lumbar spine doesn’t like me right now but that’s fine, I don’t like it either. Lol.

I got the Depo injection about 5 weeks ago in an attempt to ease down female troubles. I missed the next 2 cycles and have been on for 15 consecutive days again. It’s sort of a “Yay, but you’re doing great” crusher. I don’t feel great and I want to. I read on the internet it can take up to a year. If it’s on the internet it must be true. Jeez. Instead of having the injection again I’m suppose to have Nexplanon put back in. Seriously this stuff is way too much.

I woke up this morning with cramps so bad I was like don’t even get up today. But the little birdie on my shoulder was like get your ass up right now. So I did. Ha! It’s sort of an aggressive little birdie sometimes. 🙂

I sent a bunch of documents to my Kindle for offline reading because an internet break is about to begin sometime today. At least it’s suppose to.

I’m gonna nibble on my rx medicinal cannabis cookie today because I swear sometimes a little relief is necessary.  I might have already. 😛

I don’t use it very often so I’m always naive again when I do. Kinda funny, cannabis naive. But I am.

I don’t know why it’s called natural menopause when there isn’t anything natural about what comes before it. Natural would be that thing stopping one day and never coming back. It’s just not the nature I look forward to.

I want to get out in the garage and go through all the packed away things that I haven’t even seen for years. I want to get the boxing gym over here but I’m not sure yet if it’s worth doing so especially if I can’t or don’t use it yet. I haven’t used the slider in weeks now. Longer than that even. Not since I sprained my foot on it and that progress went backwards quick. I know I know, I need to face my fears. Maybe later. 🙂

I’ve been using the shake weight across my belly. I started sit ups (in the water a couple of weeks ago) I can do some crunches now outside of the water too. I use the shake weight for both breathing exercises and muscle control. I’ve really changed lack of muscle control to controlling them better. My limbs get a little wobbly sometimes still or spasms sneak in, and those use to exist everyday. It’s not all day long anymore. Some people use books or the like on their stomach, but the shake weight works for me because I also use it to practice keeping it there rather than letting it roll off me. The right side of my belly is bigger than my left because my ribs have shifted some. My left side is a downward incline. In other words my belly isn’t level. The shake weight is useful for me to control those muscles better. 🙂

It’s going to be in the triple digits today. I need to finish up some notes and lists for my son and get outside. I’m actually behind today. I’m usually already outside at least once by now.

Sunshine - Clip Art Library

It’s really tough when the devil up in it. It really is. lol


Cutting Hair

My anxiety has been a little high over doing something I haven’t done in many years. My husband asked me to cut his hair a couple of weeks ago. I use to cut his hair, our children’s hair, family, I did a few friends as requested. I use to do body piercings for others. I’ve pierced brows, I’ve done Monroe’s, I’ve done bellies, nose etc. That’s something I’ll most likely never do for anyone again. I’ve been asked, I’ve declined. My hand isn’t quite that steady anymore, but I think it’s steady enough to cut his hair.

His hair is really long right now. It’s close to being as long as mine. His hair is curly so the worse result is that any errors will be hidden in shorter curls or would need to be fixed by a professional.

Learning to reduce fears of trying again isn’t always easy, yet to try at all is rewarding. If I wasn’t trying some of these things again, I wouldn’t have ever gotten this far and I doubt I’d get any further.

In pain we stop doing the things that pain prevents us from. We don’t want to hurt more, we don’t want to instigate spreads, or flare ups, we stop using what hurts and we also stop it for the rest of our bodies and the result is deterioration, more diagnoses’, gastrointestinal issues and it’s not all a direct result of originating illness itself. It’s partially due to non use after the fact.

A few months ago, post MLT, the feeling in my middle finger returned, my index finger while arthritic has most of it’s feeling back. It’s just my thumb, inner palm and the part of my wrist that’s connected to my thumb that doesn’t feel fully.


I wish you all pain eased days and nights.

MLT Revolution – Gohl Program

Why Ligaments? Ligaments, there are over 900 in the body, are very sensitive to all kinds of movement and stresses such as environmental (Gravity), physical, and emotional. In some research studies, ligaments have been shown to have many times more sensitivity than our skin!With this sensitivity, ligaments are able to coordinate all the contractions and de-contractions necessary to provide us with the movements of our body and its systems. When they are stressed through injury at physical or even emotional levels, the ligaments direct our nervous system to contract areas of our bodies to protect the vital organs as well as the site of an injury.This is a great thing in the first few days but unfortunately, because ligaments have very low blood supply, they do not heal well and often remain in a state of stress thereby continuing to tell the nervous system to protect the body. And this is where the not so good things start to compound and our bodies begin to suffer pain, spasm, and even systemic problems as it tries to find balance under stress.Getting to the sourceMLT directly interacts with ligaments in a very gentle and non-invasive way. Using very light finger pressure on certain ligaments throughout the body, MLT is able to correct the cycle of stress and contraction-inducing signals the ligaments are sending to the nervous system. The effect only takes just a few seconds but the outcome can be dramatic. This is because instead of focusing on the muscles which are only doing what the ligaments are influencing, MLT focuses on the source of what the problem was to begin with, the sensitive and influential nature of the ligaments.

MLT Founder

Arik Warren Gohl has been a clinical manual therapist since 1999. In the years since graduating, he has developed numerous clinical practices and curriculums for Physical Therapists, Massage Therapists, and Chiropractors.

In the past 12 years, Arik has become well known for creating a new type of treatment called Manual Ligament Therapy (MLT) and has been endorsed by some of the most respected researchers and doctors in the world, including Dr. Moshe Solomonow PhD and Dr. Edward Glaser, owner of Sole Supports orthotics.

In his time as a therapist, Arik has continued to seek new and more effective ways to treat difficult conditions with an advanced combination of modalities including dynamic stretching, movement re-education, and manual therapies. The end result is his protocols are able to resolve both simple and difficult conditions in a fraction of the time it would normally take in conventional physical rehabilitation.

For this, he has an international reputation as a sought out clinician for those suffering all levels of symptoms, as well as being respected as an educator of advanced subject matter such as neuro-ligament sciences.

Currently Arik owns a Physical Therapy clinic in Guadalajara, Mexico which has become the “go-to” clinic for patients of all varieties as well as some of the best athletes in the country. In addition, Arik has recently teamed up with Dr. Edward Glaser of Sole Supports orthotics to focus on the treatment of the debilitating condition known as Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome (RSDS) with the goal of providing a non-invasive, non-surgical resolution for the disorder.

View Original Source: MLT Revolution – Gohl Program

Fine Lines

There can be such fine lines between doing and not doing, trying and not trying enough, managing time and wasting it, finding balance and not balancing at all.

I’ve driven now twice since not having drove but a handful of times in 17 years. While both times were only a few blocks away it is a starting point. Next time I’ll turn left and go down farther to the shopping center about a mile from home. Most likely repeating that quite a few times before trying further.

I’ve hit a few lows in wondering if all this is just too good to be true. This is because in order to maintain pain relief from the original CRPS Type 2 diagnosis and the several secondaries along the way, I have to do physical routines daily in order to keep it from ever being what it had become. These routines can cause their own pain because of the lack of activity and movement as a result of the injuries and illnesses that either initially or had eventually overcame me. Many of those things that I did to comfort myself from reaching the edge were some of the same things that were to my own detriment. Hanging my legs off the bed in order to try to sleep because my feet and legs were either too swollen, allodynia, hyperalgesia, burning etc. Using pillows, several, in order to prop myself into positions to ease pain, but at the same time it taught my body to develop even more damage.

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better. ~Samuel Beckett

We aren’t taught how to be able to care for ourselves in simple manners that are the greatest of all. We’re told go exercise, lose weight, quit smoking (if you do) and that’s about it anymore. Great advice, but it’s only advice. There isn’t any teaching in it and people leave still wondering how, how in all of it. If you have chronic pain of any type it’s because something in you, illness or injury has lasted beyond 3 months (used to be 6 months for that classification).

Some people do get the pain medications, the opioid management, pain management, lumbar or cervical block injections, procedures etc. Yet none of these get people healthier again. None of them teach living with pain. They either disguise pain awhile, fail, or side track a person from learning how to themselves. Other medications such as SSNRI’s and Anti Seizures such as Cymbalta and Neurontin are over prescribe, handed out like candy and more adverse than the opioid itself. I promise you that. Opioids taken responsibly is less a problem than the lifetime problem that stays with you long after getting off those other types. We may have natural opioid receptors in our brains, but our brains (and minds) aren’t meant to be altered to the point future damage.

I’m not anti opioid.  I’m anti leave someone where they are when there are other options in relief that aren’t suggested or believed in by mainstream western medicine. I believe in CAM or Complimentary and Alternative Medicine. I believe in the Gohl Program. I believe in Integrative Pain Medicine.

Yet these services are rarely offered, or are not covered by insurance. I myself was denied for Acupuncture my second year into all this. (2003). I could have been cured, or in remission right away, but instead we keep people bouncing the healthcare systems, costing billions, left disabled, unable to contribute to society, getting sicker when we have the capability to get people back into their lives. If we do, even more billions are lost in profits, revenues and work for the working class. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t and that’s the world we live in. If it’s not about me it’s about you. Will it ever be about us? I already know the answer to that.

I’m glad that The Academy of Integrative Pain Management previously The American Academy of Pain Management has merged the concept of healing by both standards of care. I’m thrilled to have been a State Pain Policy Advocacy Network Leader (SPPAN) which is a project of of the AIPM/AAPM for several years. I’m happy to have been former California Ambassador, Executive Board Member, Advocacy Director and Healthcare advisor for the International Pain Foundation 2011-November 2016. I’m happy to still be a Medtronic Patient Ambassador. I’m glad to have represented iPain as a member of the Opioid Prescribing Taskforce via the Medical Board of California and for being 1 of perhaps 3 patient advocates who were apart of the Revised Standard Guidelines for Prescribing Controlled Substances For Pain. I’m happy that I attended with and testified on behalf of pain patients with the California Medical Association (DeSaulnier)

I’m not happy that I fell hard in the midst of the CDC Guideline for Prescribing Opioids for Chronic Pain — United States, 2016 as they were being implemented, recommended and circulated. The Guidelines for Prescribing Opioids for Chronic Pain CDC. I’m blessed to be part of the public record, written and on the last call pertaining to the Guidelines. The call that determined whether or not to enact the recommendation. Which had been determined before the call had ended in case you didn’t know.

Instead of saving lives and allowing physician’s to care for their patients under their own oath it instilled fear in providers to prescribe or even address pain at all. I do not care that the Guideline’s were meant for primary care doctors because it caused fear for all doctors including pain management specialists.

I have to be a responsible patient, yes? I have to be in compliance, yes? Yet there is little to no responsibility or consequences for non compliance in others or those who believe they are above anyone else. Everybody’s pain day will come, if even by old age alone.

I’ve lost my reputation online, but offline my words are different. I’m different. This doesn’t mean I’m a different person it means that perceived perception, written content and context is taken as you will. Believed or Imagined. Generally just a fantasy in your own minds.

I’m diverse.

Online I no longer care. I’m both polite, knowledgeable, caring and I’m blunt, potty mouthed and adverse. Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary to the second time I attempted suicide as a result of pain and errors and not just my fear in it all, but the fear in overdose, the fear to prescribe, the fear to keep your medical licenses, the fear of the DEA, the fear of scrutiny, the fear to take care of your own families and I actually understand. I actually feel your side of it. I feel you when you’ll do almost anything to maintain your reputation even if you’ll lie to do it.

When you can feel my husband of 31 years side of it, or my 3 children’s broken heart in it.


Maybe I’ll care again the same way I used to. Though I hope not because I really cared too much about everyone else, what ever one else needed, or wanted. Right now it’s all about me and overcoming the challenges of living through what I can’t ever change for me in this lifetime, or what I can never take back in the option of suicide, but I can still help change it for others.

They are fine lines, after all.








MLT and Stretching

MLT and Stretching
Animals, house pets, dogs and cats stretch continuously. We watch them as they roll around, stretching to wake, stretching during the day and before they sleep, manipulating their limbs, working out their aches and pains, stressors, assisting their muscles, joints, bones, internal organs.. their tendons to be usable and movable.
In considering our own bodies it would make sense that if we do the same we could minimize pain and weakness in ourselves.
Animals with ailments or who are aging still stretch.
As people, the majority of us don’t. Those with pain related diseases, illnesses or syndromes believe that because of pain they either can’t or shouldn’t.
Imagine what we do to ourselves by not doing so. Imagine that while we think we’re doing ourselves good or better in pain, we aren’t.
As pain worsens and tendons tighten, muscles waste and bones and tissue deteriorate, we deteriorate.
Add emotional trauma, past or present, life, work, day to day activities, triggers, etc and the natural ability to heal ourselves decline.
Nearly all of us are taught to keep our garbage to ourselves, especially, psychological trash. Don’t tell it, don’t talk about it, and don’t bring your negativity on the family. After all, you might become an adverse reflection, yes?
People learn to protect and defend others before themselves.
What happens as a result? Pain.
It’s not just our minds that carry memories, our physical bodies do also. Flesh, organs, tendons, muscles, tissue contain memories and recall of both physical and psychological trauma.
Manual Ligament Therapy (MLT) releases those memories in the body via direct hands-on methods.
Stretching daily activates well being, promoting proper blood flow through the extremities, minimizes or eliminates inflammation, restores healthy cell production. Cells are constantly multiplying. Damaged cells would copy themselves as damaged cells, and healthy cells duplicate to be healthy again.
Only in the most severe cases would the likelihood of cell replenishment be less possible. Generally the abnormal structure of chromosomes themselves dictate a negative outcome.
Even in autoimmunity where the body attacks itself the possibility still exists to change the path inside us. Our bodies “learn” just as our minds do. If it only knows pain, all it might ever know is the same. Reverse it and it might re learn that pain isn’t a lifetime sentence.
Abnormal processing Vs pain perception.
It might not be easy, yet it’s possible.
Imagine what people carry inside them. Once physical pain begins it will resume until the cycle is broken or reversed.
Release physical and emotional trauma and most of us could heal ourselves.
We don’t live in that world yet, but if we could?
Posted as a Note on Facebook January 29, 2017