Stone Cold Sober

Stone Cold Sober

Brantley Gilbert

I guess I said some thing’s last night
That’s usually in the morning light
I regret it
Like double shots and cigarettes
Said things like
“I love you baby” and
“I know I sound crazy, but let’s just work this out ya and maybe settle down”

I woke up hungover
But still had to call you
‘Cause I just realized girl
That maybe it was all true, yeah

I let the whiskey talk
And baby it said too much
I got the feeling now
It didn’t say enough
‘Cause I’m waking up alone
Missing that midnight kiss
I can’t promise you forever
All I know is I still want you to come over
And I’m stone cold sober

Well I can lie about 99 percent of the time
When I’ve had too much to drink
Yeah I do stupid things

But this time is different
And baby it feels so right
I hope you were listening
To every word I said last night

I let the whiskey talk
And baby it said too much
I got the feeling now
It didn’t say enough
‘Cause I’m waking up alone
Missing that midnight kiss
I can’t promise you forever
All I know is I still want you to come over
And I’m stone cold sober

Yeah I got blood shot eyes (Got blood shot eyes)
But it’s all crystal clear (All crystal clear)
No I don’t need Jim Beam
To know I need you here

Yeah I let the whiskey talk
And baby it said too much
And I got the feeling now
It didn’t say enough
‘Cause I’m waking up alone
Missing that midnight kiss
I can’t promise you forever
All I know is I still want you to come over
Baby all I know is I still need you to come over
And I’m stone cold sober

Yeah baby I’m stone cold sober

Come on over

https://youtu.be/kNyeaaHKPPA

Stone Cold Sober


(The first step in any recovery is admitting a problem was either.brewing… or….) 


I Lost My Marbles

But I still have my balls. 

Ha!

I use marbles for therapy. I’ve misplaced them. I still have the tennis balls close by. I use the marbles the most for my hands. It really is amazing what we can use for pain relief that might seem a bit silly to some. I use them in different ways for hands, feet and body. To roll out knots, reduce inflammation, promote blood flow and better internal organ function. 

The tennis ball techniques I learned while receiving MLT. The marbles was some months back off the top of my head during a hand flare. 

Imagine what we can do with a spatula. Hilarious!

Our oldest daughter Kharisma and our grandson De’Mantai will be on a Greyhound soon, destination Texas to spend time with our daughter Rikki who moved there in November. From there Rikki is driving them to my parents in Georgia as previously planned.

We learned 2 days ago that my dad has 4 blood clots in one leg and 3 in the other. These are unrelated to his stage 4 cancer. He’s an active man, but he’s to be on bed rest now with the blood thinners and depression is already.present as a result. 

My wish is that their grandkids arriving in a week or so brings them all comfort.

Today is a significant anniversary to something I won’t mention this time. This year there won’t be any grief over it. It had taken awhile to let that one go. It’s been gone as it was for so long a year today. The 26th will be the anniversary to the injury that led to CRPS 17 years ago. Ridding myself of most of that too. It’s like a bug you can’t flick off. 

The bruising is fading from the dog bite on new years eve and the bites themselves are doing well. His are a little slower healing. I mixed lavender with OTC lidocaine, and fresh steeped Turmeric for topical relief. 

Well I’m off to play with my balls, check in with mom,  steep another batch of my medicinal tea concoction, do a few Spanish lessons and burn some white sage which I’ve done each day since starting. It really has helped restore balance and life force, but I suppose it wouldn’t if.I didn’t believe in it.

Oh where oh where have my marbles gone. 

Happy 2nd week of 2018.

White Sage

It’s time to do a spiritual cleansing. This won’t only consist of smudging my home, but my personal being as well. A re balance of my life force. The great spirit.

White Sage- Image credit- Hoodwitch

As a sensitive, Empath, I become overwhelmed by other peoples energy, pain, thoughts, emotions, even joy. This isn’t anything new. I’ve had the gift, curse? All my life. When I’m around positiveness that flame grows into peace, tranquility and calm, energizes me and all the others I come into contact with even when people are experiencing their own pain and hardships. There’s an opposite side to this. My negative energy doesn’t do anyone around me any good either.

“A strong life force makes a human being totally alive, alert and present while a weak force results in sluggishness and fatigue. … The concept of a life force is found in most of the ancient cultures of the world. In India, it is called prana; in China, chi; in Japan, ki; for Native Americans, the Great Spirit.”

http://www.energyarts.com/what-is-chi

In reference to a previous blog when I said I can’t choose one side or another. How could I authentically when one side doesn’t exist over the other? When everything is entangled? When it’s all connected?

MTP (Moving Toward Peace)
https://www.movingtowardspeace.com/mtpblog/the-ancient-art-of-burning-sage.html

Why Smudging Your Body With White Sage Is A Must For Every Highly Sensitive Warrior (A Guide To Smudging)
http://alcantaraacupuncture.com/why-smudging-your-body-with-white-sage-is-a-must-for-every-highly-sensitive-warrior/

White Sage Uses… A Step by Step Guide to Smudging
http://www.ask-angels.com/spiritual-guidance/white-sage-smudging/

White sage is also an herb and it’s Latin name is Salvia apiana which means “healing”.


Post statement this blog was written over a week ago and was filed as a draft. Today, my White Sage was delivered and gifted with much love and heart from our daughter Rikki. By Christmas I’ll have completed my own piece of prayer calling on my ancestors, the angels, healers and Jesus Christ alike.

I hope to share this experience with you.

 

Why The Apology

Cross-Posted from Pages yesterday to this blog. Reference at the end.

Why The Apology

Life is precious no matter whose life it is. I let my pain, our pain, nudge me to one side more than to another. Just like they did. They? I know! We separate ourselves from one another and we shouldn’t.

Triquetra

Opioids, addiction, loss of loved ones in life or death ended up with the development of the CDC Guidelines. The recommendations. This led to the current affairs and even our President declaring an emergency over it. It influenced further lack of care for even compliant pain patients and has caused more suffering.

The many who believed in over prescribing and the opioids being an epidemic couldn’t see or didn’t want to acknowledge that there are other people in the world who would end up losing, too.

By reducing and removing these analgesics without a plan in place to substitute relief the quality of life provided by these medications would lesson and some people would end up choosing suicide, and many would live with the ideations not knowing how to go on.

I suppose in it all our selfishness as human beings to want it our way disregards the need of others who aren’t us.

I’ve been selfish too.

We end up fighting for our causes, creating campaigns, starting movements, staying steadfast in our agendas which are in a sense born of pain in one aspect or other and then we blame each other.

I still believe that we all have choices and that responsibility for those choices should be on ourselves and that we should accept those consequences.

Addiction, any type of, is a mental health issue. I’ve learned that the impulses that drive people to do what they do are no longer their fault once they reach the point of losing clarity. to make proper decisions.  I understand better that when the point is reached where the mind has become so weakened by the addiction that the ability to make the better choice for themselves fails to exist.

I had taken this year for me. For my healing. I’m still healing and progressing.

I wish for all of us that the new year gives us all a new chance to heal from our pain whether in body, mind, or spirit and that we can all find peace in pain.

Journey on.


In reference to:

to those I ever offended ‘re . Agendas. Some existing beliefs/ personal experiences, I’ve grown and I love you too.

Undeniable Breakthrough

I haven’t written for a minute because I’ve been struggling to maintain a sense of worth and ability while at the same time coming out of the closest remission I’ve ever had. I’ve learned to survive without medication management for pain, yet there are times I wish I had even a 10 count as needed a month of Hydrocodone or Tramadol because it’s hard. I’ve learned and used every natural way I know to help myself.

I know that no physician ever pushed opioids on me and I don’t believe that even though I was dismissed and abandoned that it was personal. I understand they were under stress during that same period of time which just happened to be my worse time.

I never used the 10 on the pain scale in all my years of CRPS or the dozen other pain and non pain related disorders. I reserved that number. When I did use it, when it was 10 it didn’t do me any good because I suppose it’s so overused even the medical community thinks it’s a joke if we do.

The joke was on me.

Overwhelming - Breakthrough

I spent the summer in a little kiddie pool in order to do weightless movement that I wasn’t physically strong enough for outside of water. It really helped a lot. I’ve had a treadmill for about 10 years, an old model and still in working order. I’ve had a stationary bike for approximately 10 years, the ab slider my son sent over a few months back, my yoga ball while about 4-5 years old I only started using recently.

It’s just the treadmill and yoga ball I’m using now along with some stretches, mindful about posture, I learned with having MLT.

I could suck it up and have the spinal surgery, or I can suck it up and continue to do all I can for me still without any of that. It’s been a great stress reliever to not be having monthly PMD appointments, to not worry about whether or not medications will be delayed or denied, to not wait for a lumbar or cervical pain block, to not have to rely on someone or something for relief.

I’ve managed also to better regulate my high blood pressure often 180/+ to restore internal involvement, level off drastic inflammation and swelling for the most part. Today is a swollen day, symptoms extra present, dreading getting on the treadmill, but I have to even if for only 20 seconds. I’ve not made it beyond a minute even on better days.

I use the chia seeds for their anti inflammatory, anti oxidant, fiber, and other qualities. My allotment of vitamins have ran extremely low, so I’m out of some, and have a bit of others left. The combination was helping me maintain better. I feel like ka ka right now and so I know they provided a benefit. Since it’s expensive to buy so many different kinds I’ll be replacing it with Prenatal vitamins this upcoming week. The prenatal (nope, not pregnant) provides many supplements in one for a single price. That’s my best option until I can replace my others. I use fresh ginger as well.

The chia seeds I use as a sprinkle on foods and in water, coffee. In liquid the seed becomes a gel.

Later I’ll be doing either Facebook or Periscope live to share these natural ways of helping ourselves. Especially for those whose pain relief analgesics have been reduced or stopped and for those interested either way.

Do things happen for a reason? Or are they random? I’d like to believe it’s all been for a reason and that reason being instead of advocating and raising awareness solely for cures and information about an illness to instead raise it for HRQoL, suicide prevention and our mental health that will always go with it.

That’s the purpose of Stronger Than Pain.  Helping people live not just share with them all the reasons they never will again but rather all the reasons they can, must, and have to.

Through it all came an undeniable breakthrough.

 

This Week

While my outside of the water push ups did cause some soreness it didn’t cause any flare. I was over at our son’s the other day and so I missed my pool time. I laid on his carpet and did my push up set. The weird thing about it is the incredible headache that came on and lasted for about 45 minutes. The first time I didn’t think anything of it because I figured I pushed myself too hard and maybe just got a head rush as a result.

The next time, same thing. It doesn’t start though until I’m straining a bit or more. It’s never happened in the water that intensely probably because the water reduces any strain. I felt like I was going to pass out but it eased back down within the hour.

It’s things like this that can make it easier to stop trying more. Almost easier to not do them and avoid the headache or other symptoms all together. It’s crossed my mind like a quick flash of floaties.

Could be too that as I started those upper body routines, I also added neck exercises/movement into my daily movements. Not just a couple up downs with my head, or side to sides, but sets. If I have to I’ll back off of the girl push ups and just do neck movements for awhile.

I don’t know if I’m irritating my cervical spine with both, or if its just that my body is trying to adjust to it all. My lumbar spine doesn’t like me right now but that’s fine, I don’t like it either. Lol.

I got the Depo injection about 5 weeks ago in an attempt to ease down female troubles. I missed the next 2 cycles and have been on for 15 consecutive days again. It’s sort of a “Yay, but you’re doing great” crusher. I don’t feel great and I want to. I read on the internet it can take up to a year. If it’s on the internet it must be true. Jeez. Instead of having the injection again I’m suppose to have Nexplanon put back in. Seriously this stuff is way too much.

I woke up this morning with cramps so bad I was like don’t even get up today. But the little birdie on my shoulder was like get your ass up right now. So I did. Ha! It’s sort of an aggressive little birdie sometimes. 🙂

I sent a bunch of documents to my Kindle for offline reading because an internet break is about to begin sometime today. At least it’s suppose to.

I’m gonna nibble on my rx medicinal cannabis cookie today because I swear sometimes a little relief is necessary.  I might have already. 😛

I don’t use it very often so I’m always naive again when I do. Kinda funny, cannabis naive. But I am.

I don’t know why it’s called natural menopause when there isn’t anything natural about what comes before it. Natural would be that thing stopping one day and never coming back. It’s just not the nature I look forward to.

I want to get out in the garage and go through all the packed away things that I haven’t even seen for years. I want to get the boxing gym over here but I’m not sure yet if it’s worth doing so especially if I can’t or don’t use it yet. I haven’t used the slider in weeks now. Longer than that even. Not since I sprained my foot on it and that progress went backwards quick. I know I know, I need to face my fears. Maybe later. 🙂

I’ve been using the shake weight across my belly. I started sit ups (in the water a couple of weeks ago) I can do some crunches now outside of the water too. I use the shake weight for both breathing exercises and muscle control. I’ve really changed lack of muscle control to controlling them better. My limbs get a little wobbly sometimes still or spasms sneak in, and those use to exist everyday. It’s not all day long anymore. Some people use books or the like on their stomach, but the shake weight works for me because I also use it to practice keeping it there rather than letting it roll off me. The right side of my belly is bigger than my left because my ribs have shifted some. My left side is a downward incline. In other words my belly isn’t level. The shake weight is useful for me to control those muscles better. 🙂

It’s going to be in the triple digits today. I need to finish up some notes and lists for my son and get outside. I’m actually behind today. I’m usually already outside at least once by now.

Sunshine - Clip Art Library

It’s really tough when the devil up in it. It really is. lol

 

Triple Wide Down

Consider this a mix of humor, seriousness and heart.

Okay, so my butt has been a total breaking down triple wide since I was in my early 30’s and after CRPS. For those of you who need some visual that means my health related issues gifted me a triple wide ass and one that I should have never accepted. Deteriorating as a result of everything I didn’t do for it! You know like “I gotta big butt and I cannot lie?” I’m thrilled to report that it’s a double wide now.  😛

Goals

Make my double wide even better. (I’ll show you when my mood tells me to. Lol)

Try not to build so much muscle that people who try to do me dirty don’t become my bitch! (Word porn: Perception and interpretation. I’ll never tell)

Try not to do things with the shake weight that other people find offending. (Focus on the ones who love it. :))

serenity-prayer

Stronger Than Pain

 

 

 

 

12

I’ve talked about weightless water activity and being able to increase movement in my kiddie pool. Today I did 12 girl push ups without water. I reached 5 and I was like OMG that’s enough, but I went for 6 and then I told myself just one more so I did. I reached 8 and knew I should probably stop, but I didn’t. 10! Come on cry baby you can do another one. I did 2 more and 12 was it!

I’m so sore. My right side fingers started pulsating and that arm started throwing a fit. I took some Ibuprofen and then a nap.

Here’s my dilemma. My goal will need to always be 12 now +. Ugh! I know it’s new pain so there isn’t anything negative about it. I know the old pain will sometimes be instigated by pushing myself. I just don’t want to feel like if I don’t make the 12 I’ve gone backwards somehow. I’ve done this to myself several times before. Overdoing new efforts and increasing pain levels as a result. I also put on some Voltaren Gel before I fell asleep.

Last time I increased pain was from spinal movements in both my lumbar and cervical spine. Ouch! That was a little rough. It was about 5 weeks ago I think and lasted a few days. This is why I don’t have the time I want to have in other things offline or online. These routines and movements take up a fair majority of my days and I’m just whooped after.

How many want to even attempt doing things like these or even care to spend much of the day doing it? Hardly no one. Some won’t do 5 minutes a day. It wouldn’t have been my first choice for long term pain stability and the constant efforts in rehabilitating my own body wouldn’t have happened either if after having MLT, a sheet of paper was tossed at me with physical therapy therapies to try to achieve on my own that I couldn’t reach in all that horrible pain. . It’s hard!

Nearly everyone who goes to outpatient PT is sent home with exercises to perform as self therapy. Some people try, others throw it away, a few actually get through those at all and most don’t continue trying because expectations are set up for failure. Some people need help to even be able to move themselves, or parts of themselves. I never in a million years thought I would ever reach any of this. It could be that being forced to by not having any other pain care is what made that difference for me after the Gohl Method.

I don’t want to wither away from any pain or illness and I don’t want my future to be nothing but disabilities. I’ve accomplished something else too in it all. It’s a habit to do these stretches and movements each day without having to remind myself and it’s a habit even when I don’t feel well at all.

This is why I needed a year and why I may need another one before I can be active in advocacy again. I can’t worry about the internet so much right now, time spent here, would be accumulated aches and pains too.

Even those people who didn’t have any pain issues, the working class, end up having pain from sedentary positions. It’s why ergonomic work stations were developed in order to reduce complications in one’s body.

Reducing or removing stress factors are important also because the body itself feels stress as physical pain. Stress isn’t just in the mind. Relaxation, meditation, breathing exercises, a little yoga has all benefited me in the water and out of it.

Easier said than done, I know.

I’m hopeful that eventually energy will increase and I’ll get at least 5 decent years out of it all.

images - beach

 

 

Sunshine and Nature

I’ve been spending a lot of time outside in the sun in a little kiddie pool soaking up sunshine and nature. I’ve been using my pool to my advantage by doing weightless water movements in order to continue strengthening overall weakness in my body and to keep pain as minimal as I can.

I’m using chia seeds as a holistic and natural approach to pain relief. It’s anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties have been helpful. I take Magnesium daily also.

I’d cut my internet time down considerably compared to the last several years in order to just take care of me for a little while. I wanted to share love and laugh instead of post only about pain and while it still included it I meant to keep it less than. I wanted to heal myself the best that I could with what I endure because I still don’t have pain management, use any form of pain medication, or receive any other kind of treatments or therapy related to pain.

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” ~Marilyn Monroe

I wanted to share progress in accomplishments since receiving MLT and from continuing to utilize the techniques that I had learned at the Gohl Program. I wanted for people to know I understood their pain because my own physical problems have been many. I wanted you to know there’s possibility in what we end up believing is impossible.

I didn’t want to feel responsible for things I either couldn’t or didn’t provide other people these last few months or more.

As of last night my Facebook is deactivated again. For how long I’m not certain. Maybe a couple of days, maybe longer. My Stronger Than Pain page should have shifted to my son as the sole administrator.

It’s time to head outside for my daily dose of sunshine and nature.

Stronger Than Pain Cover

 

MLT Update

It’s been 7 months since I first attended the Gohl Program and approximately 4 months since receiving Manual Ligament Therapy (MLT) the second time. The first time my Complex Regional Pain Syndrome Type 2 was minimized drastically in pain and symptoms. Remission of sorts. I was able to move and stand better. I could bend my toes and come up on my toes. I came home after the 5 days of treatment and utilized the techniques in stretching I had learned from Mr. Arik Gohl. I was able to bend over and touch my toes. I could still come up on my toes with more ease, and I could dance for moments at a time. These weren’t things I could do on the fly at any time of the day, but rather things I could do as I progressed or had an ability to do at any given moment. Or things I was unable to do at any given moment also.

My spinal issues had still been giving me trouble. Pain wasn’t so much in my back other than strain, but in my right arm, hand, fingers. Numbness, tingling, paresthesia. Medical Definition of paresthesia. : a sensation of pricking, tingling, or creeping on the skin having no objective cause and usually associated with injury or irritation of a sensory nerve or nerve root. I wasn’t only experiencing creepy crawlers but intense and moderate to severely painful buzzing that would begin with tightening and pique with an intensity often hard to bear before decreasing. A crippling sensation as my entire arm would lock up for the duration of the symptom. This occurred every few minutes all day and all night long for over a year. I had finally received a cervical injection for C6 and C7 Cervical Radiculopathy. I had the second injection the day before Arik Gohl and Monica Depriest of the Gohl Program picked me up for the healing retreat. I had never met them before.  I had also just learned 2 months prior that my CT results listed lost of disc height, Levoscoliosis, Spondylosis, Osteophytes and other spinal deteriorations. I’ve had bone spurs in my right foot and ankle for many years (2003 MRI), my spine I had no idea. Osteophytes are a bony outgrowth associated with the degeneration of cartilage at joints. I knew I had degenerative disc disease upon an imagining diagnosis in my mid to late 30’s. By January of 2016 I had so much physical pain compiled on me, and without pain related treatment or medications that I failed myself in being able to apply my coping strategies I had learned, wrote about and had shared for others years before. My CT had revealed C4-5-6-7 issues. I’ve known I’ve had Osteo for many years but I didn’t have treatment for it.

There wasn’t anything I could do for myself anymore. In that I mean I couldn’t get pain down enough to even try. I continued to dangle on the edge. I had always been willing to try. I tried so many times over the years for bilateral CRPS.

And then I had MLT.

The therapy literally saved my life.

It brought my pain down so much that I was able to become active in my own healing again. I had no one to rely on in healthcare, nothing to relieve pain, nothing to stop my head from spinning over pain. I lost the ability to survive. I went through motions of living, but I had already died inside.

To this day I haven’t stopped my routines in keeping my flesh, my body from becoming so restricted again. Fascia, all that fibrous tissue, connective tissue, bone pain, crps pain, spinal pain. I’ve kept my own pain levels stable.

Check out all these success stories

Gohl Program TV

Gohl Program Webinar – Chronic Pain

Gohl Program Webinar with Monica Depriest


Twinkle V Case Study Documentation

Twinkle V. – RSD/CRPS, Spinal DJD, Generalized Chronic Pain (Full- before and after treatment sessions)

I can’t even watch those videos because I don’t want to be that person. That’s a lot of pain to see myself in because I know how I really felt arriving there. I don’t even look like that anymore and it only took 7 months. I can’t wait until the 1 year mark which will be on my 49th birthday. I celebrated my 48th while attending the Gohl Program healing retreat in October of 2016. I hope that turning 50 becomes everything (or something) that my 30’s and 40’s should have been.


I know that it’s difficult for some to believe how far I’ve come in such little time. I also had a new injury to my right foot which is a month old today. It did cause a setback in my overall progress yet I retained progress in other areas of my body, mind and spirit during it’s healing time. Even in this injury I didn’t take or have access to any pain medication other than having used the topical Voltaren Gel, Epsom’s soaks and ice. Yes ice! I had not used ice since PT in 2002 for the fairly severe injury in January of 2001 which led to CRPS Type 2/Causalgia. This time began almost immediately desensitizing as not to allow a reversal of progress back to full blown CRPS symptoms. I began wiggling my toes the best that I could again. I’m on my road to recovering that foot once more.

My YouTube videos I’ve chosen intentionally to do raw and real for whatever day it is, moment of the day, pain, progress, humor, sorrow. Same with Facebook videos. There isn’t any reason to disguise myself beyond what I am at that moment.

This year is healing for me. I already dropped out of most advocacy related volunteering and awareness activities toward the end of last year. I’ve remained a Medtronic Patient Ambassador which I’ve been since 2015. I’ve attended training webinars, and I represent and support the Gohl Program.

Aside from these I just want to live, love and remain free right now. Find myself, learn myself, laugh and smile as much as this life can offer. 16 years of nothing but pain, disability, uncertainty, loss, lack of access to care, suffering and suicidal actions changed me.

While living keeps throwing it’s obstacles at me, I’m able to get through them better. Yes there are days movement is harder, of course there are moments when a pain rises for a few. While my Spinal Cord Stimulator leveled my legs out, my upper body had no relief. I lived at a 7 with 8-9’s too often. I fell over the edge at 10.

I haven’t been above a 7 at all. When I have been it was a combination of causing my own acute pain from rebuilding bodily deterioration, or from unrelated belly issues. I’ve held well between 2-5. 5 meaning issues not CRPS and my new injury was decently painful at onset.

Can you imagine living in nothing but physical pain and being able to survive it without medication management for pain? I have. Easy? Not at all. It’s been 15-16 months since I’ve had any. It’s turned out to be so very worth it.

I couldn’t have done this without MLT, Arik Gohl, Dr. Vero Lizarraga, Mr. Warren Gohl, Monica Depriest, Dr. Ed Glaser and the after care tools that I’ve continued to provide myself on a daily basis.

blessing-clipart-god-s-blessings-clipart-1