#StrongerThanPain

Everything in Moderation

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Quote by Oscar Wilde: “Everything in moderation, including moderation.”

It’s good to avoid extremes?!

This quote has been playing on my mind.

I’ve been consuming low carbohydrates since March. I’ve reached my initial goal of losing 35 pounds just last week.

I began Music Movement Therapy in August. I think I’ve previously mentioned that. I needed something to transition to from my Summertime water therapy. I had some worry on me because while I spend as much time as able in my kiddie pool each year during warm and hot weather, the colder months seemed to leave me stranded without that. I would lose much of my benefit that water stretch and movement offered.

I have a stationary bike a few feet away from me, and it sounds odd that I can’t pedal on it without so much discomfort that wanting to try again is actually stressful for me. I can’t seem to go longer than a minute, two at best.

My Music Movement Therapy has at least given me a sprinkle of motivation. I love to dance! And while I wouldn’t consider this dancing, some would. I started with my son’s song California Dreamin’.

I’m up to 3 songs now. A combined 14 minutes. I’m using 2 lb dumbbells and I’m on my feet the entire time. Forward steps, backward steps, side steps, walking in place, lunges. I can’t hold a lunge yet. The weights help me achieve what I’m doing though. When weights are above my head my knee is bent forward, weights come down its back leg stretch. I may not be explaining myself correctly. Hmm. Anyhow, quick forward, quick back. I’ve tried without the weights, but I’m weaker on my feet/legs that way, and stumble, mis step at times.

“Everything in moderation, including moderation.”

I’m not sure if I’m trying too much too soon. I do think that my eagerness to do so is in a positive light. It’s now or never. It’s said that it takes 3 weeks to make or break a habit. I’ve made a good habit to do my songs each day minus only a handful of times I wasn’t able to. Physical strain. I try to avoid the word pain anymore.

No pain, no gain? Use it, or lose it? Such a fine line at times. M o d e r a t i o n.

It’s only been a few months. At this point, I’m not disappointed in myself.

My kiddos gifted me a Fit Bit for my birthday last month. I adore it. My daily steps seem good. It does record other movements as steps and so I’m not entirely certain of actual steps accuracy.

I set it to lose 25 more pounds. 23 to go. If I get that off it would be a total of 60.

If…

I’m 53 now. I can barely believe it! This January will be 21 years since the injuries that led to CRPS occurred.

I feel like this is my last chance.

I’m keeping stressors and triggers at a distance. It’s taken me years now to get to this point. Especially in regard to secondary major depression and anxiety disorders.

If I don’t keep these stable none of this will make a difference.

Chronic Pain Disrupts Emotions

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It does, doesn’t it?

This blog is in reference to:

How Chronic Pain Disrupts Emotions
7/28/2021 By Pat Anson, PNN Editor

https://www.painnewsnetwork.org/stories/2021/7/28/how-chronic-pain-disrupts-emotions

“Chronic pain is more than an awful sensation,” says senior author Sylvia Gustin, PhD, a neuroscientist and associate professor at the University of Sydney’s School of Psychology. “It can affect our feelings, beliefs and the way we are. 

“We have discovered, for the first time, that ongoing pain is associated with a decrease in GABA, an inhibitive neurotransmitter in the medial prefrontal cortex. In other words, there’s an actual pathological change going on.”

I hope you read this article by PNN in its entirety.

Earlier this year, I began taking GABA by NOW. It’s for neurotransmitter support. I had read that it could help decrease pain by stabilizing emotions. Oxidative Stress.

Having CRPS type 2 and several other chronic and incurable physical conditions, I acquired major depressive disorder, anxiety disorders and suicidal tendencies along the way.

Standing causes an intense rise in pain which sends my brain into attempting to manage the moment. I’ve been flooded with emotions throughout my days. Positive self talk immediately, “I got this”, “God got me”, “Just one more step”.

When pain is severe those words of encouragement are helpful yet also defeating at times. Our brain still knows it’s stressed even if we play positive tricks for out minds. Depression can still slip through, mood can become or remain unstable, temper may rise, and the list goes on.

Why? Because it hurts that damn bad. We’re not meant to endure such pain.

I do believe that over time our brains rewire negatively. Fight or Flight plays a major role in RSD/CRPS. Stress is our enemy.

For 5 years, I’ve been attempting to heal myself of these accumulated changes, the impact of chronic illness, coping. Brain fog?!

What about all the times we’ve become irritated and annoyed? At ourselves or others? For many of us that’s NOT who we are. It’s understandable that chronic pain would disrupt our emotions to this extent.

The first couple of weeks I didn’t notice any change at all when I started the GABA. The purchase wouldn’t have been a loss. It was reasonable at about $12 on Amazon. As I continued to take it, I began feeling better emotionally. I had been taking Ashwagandha and Valerian Root. Anxiety and Depression can be a bish and these helped tone down those emotions. I’ve been able to skip Ashwagandha. I still use Valerian Root occasionally, as needed.

The GABA hasn’t reduced physical pain at this point. It has though lightened my overall load. It took 10-12 weeks. For me, this is definitely a keeper for the tool box.

I hope this information is helpful to someone. Feel welcome to let me know if you’re already using it, and any benefits you’ve noticed. I’m interested.

I’m including 2 other references that you may find informative.

Putting the brakes on pain: Researchers protect GABA neurons from oxidative stress

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/08/130805113430.htm

What Does Gamma Aminobutyric Acid (GABA) Do?

https://www.healthline.com/health/gamma-aminobutyric-acid

I’m not sure if this will cause adverse reactions with prescribed medications. I only use OTC relievers and supplements. I’ve had no negative interactions. Stay safe!

Happy Friday!

My Son and His Son’s

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I shared previously my excitement of being a Nana again.

Many of you know my son from our advocacy days together. Others know him from his music and lyric. Perhaps some of you know both.

Ozra joined me in CRPS/RSD and health advocacy in his young youth. In fact, my oldest grandson did, also.

My son’s hobby is music, writing verse, performing. Expression. He had a severe traumatic brain injury at 14, so I’m quite proud of him. The majority of people can’t tell that he lives with residual damage to his brain. It’s an invisible disability. In addition to the other brain injuries, his frontal and temporal lobes were danaged. He attended speech therapy for some time after his lengthy intensive care hospitalization.

He hasn’t been able to smell since. It’s been 10 years.

His 2 year marriage anniversary was July 1st. His beautiful, loving, supportive wife conceived Ezekiel a few months later and Greyson was within a few short months of Zeke’s birth.

Ozra with his son’s. Ezekiel, 13 months, and Greyson, 1 week. #StrongerThanPain

His school implemented a 504 Plan for him. I never applied for disability for him.

The 504 Plan is a plan developed to ensure that a child who has a disability identified under the law and is attending an elementary or secondary educational institution receives accommodations that will ensure their academic success and access to the learning environment.

He wasn’t allowed to return to school for several months after recovery and healing. He then returned briefly and it didn’t work out. They encouraged the filing for disability and labeling him. Separate segragated learning instead of main stream with all his peers. Nah. This might be a good thing for some children, I don’t know. It wasn’t for us.

I removed him from public school and home schooled him until he graduated high school. He never really attended in person high school. Initially he was a semester behind, yet he recieved his diploma on time.

His teenage years was filled attending Church, youth events, and volunteering. This let him be around people and build his social and communication skills. He did miss out on those high school years though.

Some people were like wow with his first son, and then double wow with his second. My son is 24.

I’m overjoyed!

Times were different but I had 2 daughters 12 months apart by 20. He has 2 sons, 12 months and 3 weeks apart at 24. Perfectly okay.

He’s always earned good money. He began working soon after his TBI recovery. He was 15 then. He earns a good living even now. His wife earns well, too. Team work makes the dream work.

See why I’m proud? And ecstatic?

I can’t help but wonder if I had listened to the school and complied with the status and decisions for my child if my son would have ever excelled in the capacity that he has.

My gut tells me he would not have.

4th Grandlove

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I’m a Nana again! In 2020, we had our one and only grandson of 14 years. Now we have 4.

All boys!

Our oldest turned 15 in early February.

Ezekiel and Zy’Aire were both born in 2020.

Greyson was born 2 days ago.

Our oldest grandlove De’Mantai and Zy’Aire are brothers from our oldest daughter, Kharisma.

Ezekiel and Greyson are brothers from our only son and last baby, Kurtis Ozra.

Our second daughter Rikki will most likely never have children. Both of our daughters are in their 30s.

I prayed for this! I can remember being so distraught over my husbands 3rd and 4th heart attacks in 2017 and 2018 that all I could think of is Dear God please give us more grands in our lifetime.

Our oldest grandson lit up our lives. He was born shortly before my husbands first heart attack. The quadruple bypass open heart surgery came shortly after the 2nd in 2012.

Answered prayers.

Ozra’s 2 sons carry on our name, naturally. My son was the only one to carry it when I gave birth to him. There is another now to carry it as well. Our nieces son, our nephew. He has the family name rather than his father’s.

I’ve been physically limited the last few weeks, more so than normally,, and other than 30 minutes about 9 days ago, I haven’t been able to resume my water PT.

My hair was in a braids bun for at least 10 days. Uncombed, messy. Didn’t care. It was the last thing on any to do list. The important things I had no choice but to do. Getting myself to the bathroom was one of them.

The day Greyson was born I soaked in epsoms and combed my hair out. That was a chore of its own. I went to the patio where my kiddie pool is and just embraced the sunshine, celebrating Greyson.

#StrongerThanPain

I couldn’t lower myself into the water, but I sat there in nature thanking Jesus for my blessings. I snapped a selfie so that my new grandlove will know, in the future, that he was my strength that day.

A few people told me I didn’t look old enough to be a grandma. That was kind of them.

I’ve been a Nana since I was 37. I’ll be 53 in about 3 months.

God is good.

All the time

Self-Managing Comorbidities

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I keep trying to make a positive difference in managing my life for CRPS with comorbidities. I’ve been doing low carbs since March. I’ve attempted my usual summertime physical therapy using a kiddie pool. I do this each year.

Inside the water I can do 20 push-ups! Outside it, zero. In the water, 100 leg slides. Well, that’s what I call them. Outside the water, barely a handful.

I’m always thinking that if I can do enough inside water that it will benefit me outside. If water wasn’t weightless, I couldn’t achieve these.

As far as low carbs, I’m not doing Keto really. I’m just extra mindful of my carbohydrate intake. Generally, staying around 35 net carbs daily.

My kidneys and colon have a hard time with lower carbs. Meat and cheese is my enemy. Our western diets can cause Diverticulosis, or at least contribute to it. I’m sure it contributed to mine. The last time I did low carbs I had intensely painful bouts of Diverticulitis. It took months to settle down entirely.

This time, my right kidney threw a fit. My kidneys are at about 50 percent of normal function. I’ve self managed it fairly well since diagnosis approximately 8 years ago.

I was diagnosed with NAFLD about 10 years ago. I wasn’t drinking alcohol back then.

I’ve already had part of my liver removed for hemangioma, tangled blood vessels. It was during a surgery to remove a remainder of Gallbladder left behind from a Gallbladder surgery a year prior. There’s still more masses on my liver that wasn’t removed.

I haven’t had much pain there since Manual Ligament Therapy in late 2016, early 2017. The therapy was for my CRPS and Spine, but I recieved benefit for other issues, including Gastritis.

Unfortunately, my belly does swell horribly at times, but pain there, for the most part, has been manageable.

I’ve been praying less weight will equal being easier to weight bear. Less impact on my bones. I’ve had Juvinile Arthritis and mild Cerebral Palsy since the beginning of my life.

I don’t know if I had Scoliosis earlier as well, I wasn’t formerly diagnosed with Levoscoliosis until 2016.

What I do know is there’s too many sprains, strains, and fractures, and I’m not entirely sure how to keep them from reoccurring. My muscles are weak. I’ve had vitamin D deficiency for several years, and do take OTC supplements.

Water PT gifts me natural D, sunshine, and nature. It’s a win win when I can get to my patio for it. It’s also my favorite time to thank Jesus for all he does for me, and with me.

Today I remind myself that no matter how it may seem at times, or even how it feels…

I am perseverance; I am resilience.

I am Stronger Than Pain.

Adjusting the volume on Pain and Emotions

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I’m still sober. As some of you know, I was drinking to relieve pain associated with CRPS, nerve damage, neuropathy, spinal disorders, and a handful of other things. I’ve also mentioned that while it did help some it also worsened my depression.

In heightened pain, I over think. The worse for me is reliving old traumas, or becoming anxious over things I’ll never be able to change.

We’ll never be able to change anything in the past. We can only change today.

During this sobriety, I’ve been struggling to cope with a situation that developed prior to me quitting drinking and has escalated since.

I’ll need to be vague in order to express myself. I’m not able to reveal what it is. Not here or anywhere else.

It’s not something that I’ve done and it’s not directly related to me yet it is a heavy hurt to carry.

I previously spoke of distraction. This is also something I very much need to be distracted from. I feel deeply pained over it and heartachingly helpless.

If this would’ve happened 3 years ago, I’d have most likely had a drink over it. I’d have lost my shit over this much more than I already have.

I’ve adjusted the volume on pain and emotions.

If I don’t keep myself emotionally stable I’m no good to anyone. This much I know. I do minimize often. In this regard, when someone asks how I’m doing, I just say, okay, or something similar, sometimes with playful rhetoric.

Aren’t most of us the same? We have no one to really talk to, who’ll remain loyal. And we often tell one another “You’re not alone”. The problem with that is that while it’s a nice thing to say, many, are in fact, alone. Some people will listen just to gossip or reveal you to others. The person we could trust, we hesitate to reach out because we don’t want to put our crap on them.

Venting doesn’t help and revealing provokes commentary and opinion.

I know I’d have the support of many with love, care and prayer and I also know that the lurkers and stalkers that don’t support or offer kindness for anything, yet watch your every move, would have a field day as if they’re some kind of perfect in there own lives. Some thrive on judgement.

You might wonder how adjusting my volume on pain and emotions help me. It’s the peace comes with it. No drama comes of it.

The downfall is keeping parts of our lives to ourselves and therefore going through things alone.

Sharing positivity, inspirations, funnies, and my grandchildren are generally the best way out of emotional moments for me. On Factbook, and social media, that is.

My physical self just continues to decline. Depression, I have to keep tucked away or honestly I become more depressed. Let’s face it, a lot people don’t much want to be around unwell people. It doesn’t matter if its physical, mental, alcohol abuse or addiction. I can hardly blame them.

The hardest part of this is that I still have no medical help for my life and so I’m limited in what I can do and the main reason I can’t do what I may have otherwise been able to accomplish with medical assistance.

I have no choice but to endure. I just pray that eventually life’s pileups ease and become less frequent.

I need a break.

Recovery

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Recovery is never owned. It is always rented; And the rent is due everyday.

I speak from experience and of a place where recovery in each of these aspects were bleak for some time. Hopeless.

Recovery from anything is badass. Try, try again, if we must, but let’s not stop trying. Eventually the pain lessons. I’m not speaking of physical pain as that isn’t always possible. Many illnesses, progress. The mental pain, anguish, depression and despair that often comes with, can.

Recovery

I can hardly describe the level of “worn” I had become.

I kept on keeping on though. Trying.

The many years of being a pain patient advocate helped restore purpose from prior years of being bed bound. My Spinal Cord Stimulator permanent implant in 2006 gave me extra life to do so. It may not have been a lot, but it was a lot to me and I was grateful.

The last couple of years I’ve been learning to live without it. I had its benefit for a decade.

Imagine suddenly revising the bit of life it offered to no more or very little once more. That was an ouch on my mental health and I had to recover myself from that loss. I think I’ve mentioned a few times before its still implanted, non working. This year will be 15 years since it first became apart of my body.

For the longest time I found myself adjusting my body to the stimulation that wasn’t on. Habit. I was mindful that it was time to charge my internal battery, yet it wasn’t.

These things may seem odd, but it had been routine for so long.

I’m currently attempting to recover from weight gain. I was doing low carbs in late 2019 when my ankle broke. I fell off that as I was laid up from it for a time being. CoVid emerged and when people were buying and hoarding toilet paper, our only staple became rice. Anything goes with rice. We didn’t have stocked cupboards or pantries full of backup food items. We had rice! The carbohydrates flourished.

I’ve been back on low carbs for about 11 weeks.

Addictions and habits come in many forms. Not all are alcohol or drug related. I know a lot of people with severe sugar addiction. They can’t give it up. In comparison to booze or substances its the same, differently. It creates diabetes and heart disease.

Have you ever heard someone say “at least they’re not on drugs? At least they’re not a alcoholic? I have! Numerous times.

My husband can’t give up his sugar and he has both. He’s had a quadruple open heart surgery and 4 heart attacks. First heart attack at 37 years old and his 4th in 2018 at 51.

Each time he tried and fell back into unhealthy habits.

Is an alcoholic or drug addiction worse than a sugar addiction? I don’t believe so anymore. It’s easy to toss on the stigma for certain groups and minimize the same problem in others, yet sugar kills too. Any bad habit is harmful.

I’m also recovering from his choice to have his snacks. I didn’t want him to. I want him to live. In my own healing, I realized I can’t make him choose better. Only he can do that.

We all, every one of us, has something we do to cope. We all vary. Even Workaholics are consumed by an addiction. I could go on and on.

We have to find our road to recovery within ourselves.

The only person who could help me, or make me stop consuming alcohol was me. You can’t guilt shame people into stopping a bad habit. You know what you really do for them with shaming? Nudge them toward another shot of booze or into reaching for their problem of choice, perhaps a cookie binge.

I use to feel, like many patient advocates had and still do, that drug addicts were the reason that I, an incurable non opioid addict, was denied pain care. That’s not true to me anymore, and it hasn’t been for a few years now.

These people didn’t do this to me. It’s the politics, anti opioid crusaders, PROP, physicians running scared, illicit narcotics, and so forth.

I am still bothered by lack of personal responsibility though. Becoming an addict, misusing, or abusing, isn’t solely everyone else’s fault.

Choice and consequence.

Pain is pain and it’s all semantics anyway.

If you’re sober today, I’m proud of you. If you’re not, I’m praying for you.

Forward in faith,

Journey on.

29 Months Alcohol Free

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Next Friday, the 18th, I’ll be 29 months alcohol free.

I used alcohol in order to cope with chronic illness, comorbidities, intense intractable pain. I did this especially when pain and associated symptoms were out of control, when medication management was denied or delayed by Worker’s Compensation, and ultimately when I was dropped from pain management of 12 years in early 2016. 

I can hardly believe I’ve existed since.

I haven’t blogged in some time. If you’ve followed me throughout the years you know that I was also suicidal in 2016-17 and attempts were made.

2016 is when booze came on board for me with more than a few drinks. In 2017, I had backed off from it again, and towards the end of 2018, I was struggling extra without any health related care or management of pain.

January 2021 was also the 20th year of CRPS 2 and the work injuries that caused it.

By this time though, I reached 2 years of sobriety. (January 18, 2019 is when this part of my journey to abstain begun)

My son gifted me this coin. It’s a heart felt reminder of overlapping emotions, the deepest was letting go.

Letting go of fighting for care was major. I’m not chasing or begging anyone, anymore, ever.

I’ve already done that and it killed me inside to be abandoned and discarded in such pain.

Here I am still, over 5 years later, no medications, no treatments, under no physician care whatsoever, with a broken spinal cord stimulator, progression, and…. alcohol free.

How? Jesus Only Jesus.

Christmastime and the New Year

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Its hard to even describe anymore all that it is physically.

I spent the Saturday before Christmas with my son Ozra, daughter in law, Samantha, and 2 of my grandson’s.

It was our Christmas time together.

Originally, I was just going to go, as is. I decided to dress in Christmas colors and present decently.

December 19, 2020

There’s no affects or filters on this. The sun coming through the window behind me and my table top tree captured a natural moment.

The smile is real as my son was about to pick me up so that I could be with my Grands.

I’m often quite sloppy. I live in pajamas or sweats. Physically it’s a chore. Constant exertion from painful weight bearing.

Sadly, if I dressed each day, dinner and actual chores wouldn’t get done and often times it’s an achievement to have dinner ready at all, dishes done, dogs fed, and the toilet swooshed.

Some might call that lazy, if it was laziness I’d have an opportunity to change that. I don’t know how to change this.

My grandson Ezekiel is their first son, and my grandson De’Mantai (‘Tai) is my daughter Kharisma’s oldest son.

There was goodness in that day.

And then I went low (depression) and that became heightened by other worries.

When the agony hits the mind becomes frail, too.

I didn’t reveal this as it was occurring.

I thought that while we should be able to reach out to one another, and at times I wanted to, some become bothered by us and to those people we’re just complaining.

That’s why so many feel alone.

The stigma is real.

My low is leveling out. I feel more secure in sharing now.

I know that no one could tell at all. I’ve worked hard to face it to make it, yet I suppose fake it to make it still applies at times, at least outwardly. We don’t want to dampen other people’s mood. I don’t want to effect their own mental health.

I had plans to spend New Years Eve with my son, as well.

It breaks my heart that I couldn’t.

His going away party is in 8 days. They move to Arizona later this month.

CRPS has robbed us all of so much.

I do continue to try to focus on what we do have, what I can do, what we have done rather than the pain in it all.

I helped myself through this sending love and prayers around to others and focusing on good things.

For those who can relate, I see you and feel you more than you’ll ever know.

❌⭕❌⭕

52 – God, Thank you.

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Monday, I’ll be celebrating 52 years of life.

It’s been a good year despite a few things.

2 new grandsons born 10 weeks apart. Those are blessings.

Ezekiel will be 16 weeks old in 2 weeks and Zy’Aire will be 6 weeks.

Ezekiel
Zy’Aire

Our oldest grandson De’Mantai will be 15 in less than 4 months.

De’Mantai and I

My 3 loves.

I’ll be spending a little time with Zeke (Ezekiel) on Saturday and very much looking forward to being with him.

My son Ozra is moving to Casa Grande, Arizona in a few months. While my heart aches over it, he has my full blessing to start this new journey with his wife and baby.

My husband is making a birthday dinner for me on Sunday. He tried to take Friday or Monday off, but someone requested those days sooner.

Sunday is just fine. 🥰

Here’s to 52, God, thank you!