Overcoming a Meltdown

It’s been one flare after another. From CRPS to my spine. Back and forth, up and down. Head to toe.

Little relief in any of it. Nights are worse and while I’ve worked hard on trying to get to sleep at a decent time and rise earlier again I couldn’t get in any position so far tonight, which is now this morning, that hasn’t caused additional full body strain and pain.

At the moment, I’m tolerating.

Currently, I’m sitting up, pillows propped behind me and at my sides. I’ve taken every supplement on hand. I’ve had to discontinue Ibuprofen and similar NSAIDS. It tore my stomach up this week. Back to Tylenol.

The last time I had a meltdown was late 2018.

So that there’s no misunderstanding my last suicidal episode was January 2017.

This wasn’t any of that.

I’ve been managing RSD/CRPS, clinical depression/Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety, and other chronic illnesses on my own for years now. I’m still adapting to not having use of my Spinal Cord Stimulator. Non working, still implanted.

Life piles on more than I can handle at times. I know I’m not alone in that. If I’m in a flare when something happens, for example, my husbands 4th heart attack in 2018, my ability to take on both the physical and emotional traumas together can cause each to worsen drastically. In 2018, I picked up the booze again for a couple of months.

This recent meltdown just a couple of days ago was better than previous ones because I didn’t think about ending my life, nor did I consider alcohol.

It was intense bouts of tears, fears, choking on air, snotty discharge, gasping for breath, pounding head ache, panic attacks,, my limbs locking,, and I couldn’t in those moments shut those emotions down by just wanting to. I wish it was that simple.

I prayed. Slowed my breathing, grabbed on to thoughts of good, and objects I could see, and eventually I came out of it. It wasn’t the only one this week. I was overwhelmed beyond description.

There was no anger to lash out in any way.

It’s taken 5 years to get this far.

I do remove myself now a days from many situations, but we can’t remove ourselves from everything. Some things require our attention more than others.

Some situations affect us more than others might especially when loved ones are concerned.

They will always be both my weakness and strength.

Today I’m 1 year, 8 months, and 1 week sober. 💯 percent.

Nope, not today Satan.

Small Wins

Small wins are worth celebrating too. Sometimes they’re the biggest wins of all.

This should remain a daily reminder in all of us who live with intractable pain and illnesses.

Depression has a tendency to latch on when physical pain and symptoms become more severe than average.

I have a hard time when a flare has me at an 8 or above on the pain scale. Mental health declines. I know I’m not alone in that and neither are you.

It feels alone though, doesn’t it?

Celebrate those things you’ve achieved in severity.

If you helped someone else laugh for a moment in their own unrelenting pain, despair and uncertainty take a moment within yourself to acknowledge that you did. Thats ok. It may have been all you could give or contribute.

That’s a win for both of you.

Our Thoughts

Our thoughts. They don’t choose us. We choose them.

Living with chronic illnesses and the secondary depression and anxiety disorders that came along with, I’ve often been caught up in my thoughts, emotions.

Today is a day that if I’m not mindful and aware that I could end up caught in one of those emotional traps.

Physical pain is debilitating. The inability to stand from a seated position without severity is overwhelming. I need my legs and feet to lift my back and I need my back to get to my feet.

Negative thoughts try to take advantage of my well-being.

I’m not trying hard enough, I’m not doing enough, I’m a failure. Guilt.

As I said, “try”. They are trying to, but I cannot allow them to. I’m in control.

It’s not true. I’m neither of those. The devil is a lie.

I couldn’t make our dinner yesterday, my husband did it for us.

Today is worse than yesterday. I don’t want him to go to work each day and then come home and feed us. It’s the one thing I do regularly. We don’t do take out, perhaps twice a year at best,, nearly everything here has to be prepared, cooked and served. That keeps me busy.

Did I mention my best friend? The Crockpot?

I got our food into the crockpot earlier. My main goal achieved. If I’m not able to serve it this evening, at least it’ll be ready for my husband to plate.

Team work! Attitude of gratitude.

When a negative thought sneaks in, I immediately replace it with a good one. This doesn’t do anything to relieve the physical, yet it does help to not fall into a major depressive episode and steer clear of suicidal ideation. So far, so good.

It’s a way for me to get by.

Stronger Than Pain

https://www.facebook.com/strongerthanpain

Forward in Faith

After Church on Sunday,, I managed to get a little sunshine. I didn’t spend long on the patio, and only minutes doing water PT. It was too difficult lowering and raising myself. Once in, I was able to lay back on my elbows some but wasn’t able to get up on my elbows from my belly. Bummer! That began another flare. My neck couldn’t take it, and my left arm and shoulder blade rippled with intense pain.

As I was drying off, I reflected on life, as it is. It is what it is no matter how much we rather it not to be. I’ve become as content as I can be with that.

1 Corinthians 2:5

That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.

I just recently started using a posture correcter to help even out my shoulders and hopefully offer relief to the cervical stenosis and other issues there. I swear I can feel my Levoscoliosis actually curve and pull.

My CRPS is weak yet strong. That only makes sense if one considers the toll it takes to endure. Those who have it, know.

#StrongerThanPain

Forward in faith.

Celebrating Life

Spent the night at our son and daughters last night. Wanted to help get a few things ready for our grandson’s sleep-over tonight. A mix of school friends and cousin’s. My girls have stayed in touch with their own childhood friends so ‘Tai has family he came up with regardless of blood.

He’s our only grandchild. Kharisma has never had anymore kids, and Rikki hasn’t ever had one. My daughters for some reason don’t have their “girl thing” but once or twice a year at best. Kind of funny in that all the doctors ask them why. How are they suppose to know?

I can still remember back to when I was going to have a baby for my aunt because she couldn’t conceive. We started planning that. It may have been the release of stress, or simply a blessing because once we did, she became pregnant. She did pass away when their only son was a young one.

In a week I’ll be on only a single medication. Just 1. Nuvigil for Narcolepsy/sleep disorders. I’m not sure if I can let this one go. I love being awake, but I’m already asleep/wake even with it.

I’ve been trying to stay out of politics. Years ago I was active writing for the Independent Opinion on a variety of current event topics. I still have most of those old articles and am considering posting them.

Sometimes we fail to merge all of us, what we do or what we’ve done from one community to the other. For me, it’s time that it’s all okay to do so. There isn’t anything I’ve ever done wrong. I’m just diverse. And with that there isn’t any reason why I shouldn’t other than someone else’s perception of any given thing.

A week before I went to Tennessee my daughter gave me some pants. For about 14 of the 16 years with CRPS I didn’t wear anything denim anymore on my legs. I forced myself into changing that about 2 years or so ago. I did well enough, but I had to keep doing it to get there.

2 of the 3 pair she gave me fit. The other I left at her house because I couldn’t get them on comfortably. A few days after I asked my husband to grab them the next time he was over there, he did. My mom gave me some when we were together and I couldn’t get them on right. The one’s from Rikki are on now. Woot. This means in a couple of weeks the ones from mom will be too.

Of course there’s depression in knowing my body is curving (not the good curves) because I felt it doing so and being caught up in the CDC implementation of those Guidelines prevented healthcare from believing me. We were all just seekers or whiners. I’m trying to embrace it but the fact of the matter is I’m still pissed.

It doesn’t do a thing knowing that one day, after coming so far out of the trenches of pain and weakness that I’ll be there again.

Telling myself don’t go to bed, don’t sleep the rest of your life away, don’t isolate again because of something you’re not ready to handle, but instead get a grip on it for the here and now.

The hardest part I suppose is being better right now and thinking of when that time comes, I’ve let everyone down.

I feel like a wolf who’s been teased with a piece of meat, and if I can feel that way, my family will too when it’s taken away.

Today I’m celebrating life.

beliefs-heal-celebrating-life

 

 

Traveling in a Storm

Wow! It’s pretty crazy outside. Flooding expected in several areas.

Evacuations begin as Northern California storm moves in

http://www.sacbee.com/news/weather/article125210414.html

My you know is on fire and some of its corresponding parts. Not that one, the other one. lol

I’ve only slept a few hours off and on. I suppose I can be a zombie. Zombie’s aren’t that bad. Mostly only when they bite! 😛

Will be at the airport around noontime. I really have no idea about checking in, boarding, etc. Have always had someone with me for all that. I know what I’m suppose to do and that’s about it. Hm, well if I can’t figure something out, I’ll just flash a smile at someone and get a wee flirt on so that I can get the answers I need to find out what to do next. Ha!

im-in-a-good-mood-today-ill-be-flirting-with-you-all-shortly-df010

I hope my flight isn’t delayed as a result this storm. I’m taking a jump charger in case I drain my Kindle reading or clicking a game.

I’ll be missing our grandson’s first band recital on Wednesday, but I didn’t know until night before last it was even coming up. Glad they’ll be video taping it for me.

My reduction of Cymbalta is going well. Though I still have the 0 to get to. 3o mgs currently. Still thinking about whether I’ll do that 0 while away or wait until I get back home. Valerian is still helping.

I have my phone set to several alarms in case I doze from sleep disorders. I’m not taking my ASV machine or my SCS charger. I still haven’t turned that back on since October 24th I think it was.

Love my hair cut. It’s weird not being down my back though. Feels like something is missing. Oh wait! There is. 🙂 It was nice that I didn’t strangle myself with it in my sleep. It would get caught in car doors, under my arms, around my neck, in hands. The man can’t get a real good ravel on anymore, but there’s still enough for a good tug. ~laughs

I’ll give our lady who cut it a shout out next time. It’s her shop here in South Sacramento.

I’m most likely going get fondled going through security. I always do.That box in my butt cheek, those leads and all those electrodes in my body and all. Not using any assistive devices. I really need to do this on my own. Worse scenario is I don’t get up tomorrow because I played myself. 😀

Doubt I’ll get much blogging done in the next couple of weeks. Finger picking or using a stylus on my Kindle would take forever. I might put Periscope back on my phone and share a little of my new adventure. I’m not sure yet since I’d have to re-get the app for that.

I told my dog Independence I was leaving. He’s sort of pissed and won’t talk to me now. ~rme’s

It’s fun having fun. I kinda crack myself up.

I should have slept another hour or so and it’s time to get up now. oopsie doodle.

First stop Las Vegas

and then…

 

A Sleepless Night

Sacramento is facing a storm. It’s already beginning. I can hear the rain on the windows and feel it run through me. On the bright side, I can literally feel nature, on the darker side why does everything have to be so loud? Amplified. I can’t sleep! I slept until after 3:00 p.m so I’m sure that’s not helping.

We need to leave out of here for our kids house in 8 hours. For one I need to soak in their tub. Ha! Two, I’ll already be there for my son to take me over to cut my hair.

Maybe that’s why I’m still awake. Because I’m not backing out from doing it this time. Anxiety? I’m actually doing something unique in the process. Perhaps others already have. In fact, I’m sure they have, but no one I know has or has even brought it up to me. I can’t tell though for now it’s a secret. I can’t just cut it off and leave it like that. It has to have an element of creativity and still be a part of me, at least. ~laughs

Okay, maybe I’m anxious about Sunday, too.

3 of my dogs are caught up on their shots and tagged. Done! Phew! I still have some really awesome acting opportunities via my casting portal. I haven’t given up those chances since they started rolling in and this time around it’s my choice to do or wait to do. I think. lol. Unbelievable opportunities really. The only difference between then and now is 25 years. Ouch, I know. But my age range is 30 to 60 and that gives me something I would have never had at 22 because at that time I would have been 16 to 30 at best. Woot!

My best asset is the multi ability to play various characters. I’ve had an accent since I learned to talk yet I’m a California girl so it never made sense and no one else around me spoke that way for me to pick up on their talk. I do clean it up for in person, sometimes the phone, but as I grew and diversity became me in other aspects of life, I also picked up slang terminology. Don’t we all? This is my blessing in acting. In Voice, I’m Mezzo. Also known as Mezzo-Soprano. Soprano and Alto. There’s never been anything about me singular. It’s always at least one more or opposites. Yin and Yang.

That’s some pretty deep shit for one who was suppose to be mentally and physically retarded. Who was bright enough to start college at 15 with an education in Law and Drama at the same time. Get it? Only certain mindsets can be either. The law has to be able to know a criminal mind enough (by their own instinct, thought and emotions) to do the job. They have to be both light and dark. And the actor has to be convincing enough in character and/or another persons story to become believable. Understand?

When I write poetry or lyrics not everyone will know who or what is being written about. Why? Because I write it from different perspectives. Some my own, some through the eyes of others or as the voice of someone else.

I love it like that!

My speech ability is improving again for the most part. For a long time I couldn’t talk without stuttering or forgetting on the spot.

I play memory games for recall. Some of my YouTube video shares may show thought, recall, or hesitation, but they aren’t so slurring or stuttered. Really, even though pain had been hard, I’ve continued to do some awesome things. Some of those began over a decade before I ever had CRPS.

When I first left iPain I told myself heal. Just heal. Then I started moving through the 5 Stages of Loss and Grief http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/ even though stage 1 was a consequence of my own actions.

As each new day began, or maybe I should say as each night ended, I would fight with myself over tomorrow. On one side I told myself just leave it all behind. On the other I told myself I couldn’t. It was after the fact that I tried to go back, even if a little, but I was assured that I was done. This was okay because it was me after all who changed it.

Consequences.

Then a couple of weeks later, wow.

We all know or should know that our choices today, may not ever be a choice we’d make tomorrow and choices of tomorrow shouldn’t necessarily effect or reflect on all that was in our yesterday. But they do.

Why? Human emotion. If I feel bad and someone else feels bad a – and a – = -.

In the same sense if each party is in acceptance + and + = +. Yet if one feels bad and the other doesn’t. – and + = negative.

I can make $1 be $5 not just at home, but in business also. I also know $5 can end up being only a dollars worth if not used right.

I’m a critical thinker. http://www.criticalthinking.org/pages/defining-critical-thinking/766 documented and like my grandson ‘Tai who’s been in GATE http://westmore.wusd.k12.ca.us/gateeducation and has received honor roll recognition since he began school (He’s 10), I was also part of the MGM (Mentally Gifted Minds) program growing up.

critical-thinking-3-728

What does all this mean?

I suppose it means

“It’s never too late to be who you might have been”

 

 

Learning and Healing

At this time day after tomorrow I’ll have already changed flights to be on my way to my destination. I’m excited to learn and heal even more. This will be the first time since I was 17 that I’ve flown alone. I’ve been on flights since but never without my husband or children. The last Amtrak I was on derailed outside of Fresno California on the way to Corcoran. Initially that trip would have only been Ozra and I. Husband and Kharisma came at the last minute, Rikki was already in Corcoran with my mom and dad. We only sustained cuts and bruises. I can still remember grabbing for my baby as he tumbled and pushing Kharisma into my husband so he could hold onto her. I was the one injured the most but that was a result of my own actions to be sure the 3 of them would be okay. I never feared pain back then. Perhaps because it was acute pain or injury. I think that was mid 1997. My mom and dad were married in 1998 and this was before that. Ozra and I had taken the train several times from Sacramento to Corcoran. I haven’t been on a train since and within 3 years we’d lose our home and everything we worked for in the prior years to a fire, I’d be injured at work and not give birth to our last child due my own body during physical rehab and the medical mistakes and manipulation that followed.

I’m not afraid to fly. I love flying. ~laughs

Ironically the day I leave California, January 8th (2002) is the anniversary of that loss nearly 12 months after that injury that led to CRPS. Maybe I can finally let it go. Maybe.

I didn’t realize until later what the manipulation was all about and that’s why it’s stayed with me. And that’s why I always believed even when my faith was dangling that I wouldn’t hurt hard forever but I’d have to suffer to get there.

I want to help people feel better and find joy and laughter again. I want to be apart of showing others that there is an option for pain relief in MLT and the Gohl Program and I want to be apart of it in person, not solely online. I don’t want to live online. The internet does give a modicum of life back to people who are otherwise unable to have one. I know because I’ve been one of them. The internet also removes in person interaction and that’s why so many of us become isolated and develop social anxiety disorders. I still can’t drive but there may even be possibility in that again.

I have a lot of work to do to reverse 16 years of physical and emotional deterioration. I also know hard isn’t over yet, but it’s the beginning of living something I really don’t know to feel without pain. I’ve used pain as pain relief, a distraction. Pain diverts pain after all.

Looking forward

learning-priorities-development-image-source-pj-mcclure

Image Source: PJ McClure

 

Packing and Praying

I messaged my son earlier and I asked him to pray for me. I said “Please pray for me that I can do the work and be strong enough to go on with it”. He replied “Always do mom”. I said “Thank you”.

My recent Twitter posts were meant to be known and while I could have held back on the potty mouth it wasn’t all that necessary. Why? Truth. Because that’s the reality in it all. I have my dead daddy’s mouth and while I didn’t use those words when he was alive or even in the first 20 years after he left us I’m sort of proud that it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It only matters that I don’t drop those words if I want not to. It’s not beneath me otherwise. Why? Because I’m not above anyone.

Ozra is coming to pick me up on Saturday. We’re going to get this hair cut off. Yep. Most all of it. Short. Most likely to my shoulders or layered down a little farther. If there’s enough without going shorter, I’ll leave it with our girl who owns the shop to donate it.

I leave California the next day for awhile.

Threw some things away today, did dishes, cleaned up, and started packing.

Taking a break right now. I do still use my pennies carefully, but I don’t run out as quickly and that’s a good thing.

I posted about guilt some. The one thing I feel most bad about is not being able to work sooner to fix things before they got so out of hand. Carrying it all is heavy. If one person can’t carry it someone else has to. I did and I will. I have to.

I never stepped away from God and I never stopped praying. I did stop believing in hope even though I continued to be hopeful for one day.

I’ve always known I’d have to live it hard to understand it. Understand what pain is, poverty, loss, and rejection. To love so deeply that it hurts. That’s why I understand that people sometimes have to choose roads that another would never go down and many pretend don’t even exist.

I’m not looking for an easy life yet I’m hoping there’s at least an easier one out there. Hard is good. We learn. Too hard can have devastating circumstances, consequences that can’t be taken back.

My mom said “The reason you’ve gone through it all is because you have a place in heaven”.

I don’t deserve heaven.

heaven

But maybe she’s right.

To Cut or Not to Cut

A few days before the debut of Hope Is True by iPain in Los Angeles on September 1st, I had about 6 inches cut off my hair. I chickened out on the spot from having it cut shorter and into bangs.

It’s still long and not exactly easy to care for since losing partial feeling in one of my hands, thumb and forefinger. My gripping ability. I haven’t stopped using that hand, in fact, I continue to braid as my own type of physical therapy. I can braid down, but taking them out is more difficult. Having long hair I can twist all of it up as needed. Having shorter hair and bangs may end up being more of an issue since I have spiral wavy locks, so with bangs I’d either have to straighten or …  yuck, I’m not sure.

A change would be nice but then you can’t have back what you cut off for a few years. And then my signature look with long braids are hasta luego, too. See ya later. Bye! Adios.

Oh the dilemma!

I don’t want to be in deep doo doo, shit, mierda, you know, ka ka.

But then I’m like shit is just shit and some shit can be cleaned up. Mostly. ~laughing

Choices.

Well shit!

sticker375x360-u2-image-source-redbubble

Image source: Redbubble