Always More

Posted by twinklev

Is “always more” negative or just truthful?

It’s a matter of perspective, I suppose. It’s truthful for all of us.

My physical fumble is still in progress and I’m managing that as well as I can.

I’ve mentioned over the years that we didn’t have hot running water for 7 years. On Halloween 2020 it was finally fixed.

The week before Christmas it took a dump again. We didn’t notice there was a problem right away. I had got in the bath and the hot water was colder quickly. We thought that was because the washing machine was in use at the same time using hot water as well. 2 nights later I was trying to soak in heat again. Same thing. Husband had went out back to check it. Ugh! It had been dumping hot water for sometime. It’s been off since, and until we can repair or replace it. Our SMUD bill increased from an average of $140 mo to $400 for 2 consecutive billing cycles. And last week here comes the water bill that averaged $30 this time of year to $250. Well sh*t! It is what it is though.

This isn’t even half of the “always more”.

It is still a blessing to have learned all those other years how to manage living without what most people take for granted.

I’m not even going to mention what else has happened simultaneously because it’ll sound like a cry story and my purpose for sharing this bit is no one really knows what others endure. We rarely do for each other.

We’re all fighting battles on top of battles. For me, getting through them without losing myself is the cornerstone of faith.

My faith is strong and so am I.

Yesterday, Valentine’s Day was the 6th painiversary of that first suicide attempt. I basically spent the day mumbling LaLalalalah, as not to let bad memories slip in and turn it into a depressing day. I made us a nice dinner on Sunday. Yesterday was a work day for husband anyway and so Sunday, like for many, was the day we acknowledged Valentine’s.

I stared taking Cat’s Claw a week or so ago. Devil’s Claw, I’ve used several times and it is helpful for pain conditions. Una de Gato has great benefits too. In some aspects, more. I’ll write more about my experiences with it and it’s benefits soon.

I’m not currently getting in much of my music movement therapy. Hopefully more again soon. I’ve maintained my weight loss yet haven’t lost much more. I’m still at about the 40 pound loss.

I hadn’t worn pants since mid December. The pants I finally got back into a few months ago I dreaded putting back on. I was worried they wouldn’t fit again because my fitness time decreased. I tried them on Saturday. They’re fine, and even a bit looser.

Later next month will be a year since I began the low carbs. Minus 40 in a year is still good. I know some people who’ve lost 100 in a year. Amazing!

I’m up to 631 consecutive days of learning Spanish via Duolingo app. A couple of months ago I started with The Language Tutor via YouTube, and I’m re watching La Reina del Sur in Spanish. I finished the novela months back, but decided to watch it again.

In 3 days, I’ll be 3 years and a month alcohol free even through the storms that just keep coming. I’ve proven to myself I don’t need it to get through CRPS or the roller coasters of life but it’s really hard on the days my physical self hurts too greatly and there’s little I can do but wait it out.

Still facing it and still making.

Mas fuerte que el dolor

Chronic Pain Disrupts Emotions

Posted by twinklev

It does, doesn’t it?

This blog is in reference to:

How Chronic Pain Disrupts Emotions
7/28/2021 By Pat Anson, PNN Editor

https://www.painnewsnetwork.org/stories/2021/7/28/how-chronic-pain-disrupts-emotions

“Chronic pain is more than an awful sensation,” says senior author Sylvia Gustin, PhD, a neuroscientist and associate professor at the University of Sydney’s School of Psychology. “It can affect our feelings, beliefs and the way we are.

“We have discovered, for the first time, that ongoing pain is associated with a decrease in GABA, an inhibitive neurotransmitter in the medial prefrontal cortex. In other words, there’s an actual pathological change going on.”

I hope you read this article by PNN in its entirety.

Earlier this year, I began taking GABA by NOW. It’s for neurotransmitter support. I had read that it could help decrease pain by stabilizing emotions. Oxidative Stress.

Having CRPS type 2 and several other chronic and incurable physical conditions, I acquired major depressive disorder, anxiety disorders and suicidal tendencies along the way.

Standing causes an intense rise in pain which sends my brain into attempting to manage the moment. I’ve been flooded with emotions throughout my days. Positive self talk immediately, “I got this”, “God got me”, “Just one more step”.

When pain is severe those words of encouragement are helpful yet also defeating at times. Our brain still knows it’s stressed even if we play positive tricks for out minds. Depression can still slip through, mood can become or remain unstable, temper may rise, and the list goes on.

Why? Because it hurts that damn bad. We’re not meant to endure such pain.

I do believe that over time our brains rewire negatively. Fight or Flight plays a major role in RSD/CRPS. Stress is our enemy.

For 5 years, I’ve been attempting to heal myself of these accumulated changes, the impact of chronic illness, coping. Brain fog?!

What about all the times we’ve become irritated and annoyed? At ourselves or others? For many of us that’s NOT who we are. It’s understandable that chronic pain would disrupt our emotions to this extent.

The first couple of weeks I didn’t notice any change at all when I started the GABA. The purchase wouldn’t have been a loss. It was reasonable at about $12 on Amazon. As I continued to take it, I began feeling better emotionally. I had been taking Ashwagandha and Valerian Root. Anxiety and Depression can be a bish and these helped tone down those emotions. I’ve been able to skip Ashwagandha. I still use Valerian Root occasionally, as needed.

The GABA hasn’t reduced physical pain at this point. It has though lightened my overall load. It took 10-12 weeks. For me, this is definitely a keeper for the tool box.

I hope this information is helpful to someone. Feel welcome to let me know if you’re already using it, and any benefits you’ve noticed. I’m interested.

I’m including 2 other references that you may find informative.

Putting the brakes on pain: Researchers protect GABA neurons from oxidative stress

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/08/130805113430.htm

What Does Gamma Aminobutyric Acid (GABA) Do?

https://www.healthline.com/health/gamma-aminobutyric-acid

I’m not sure if this will cause adverse reactions with prescribed medications. I only use OTC relievers and supplements. I’ve had no negative interactions. Stay safe!

Happy Friday!

Self-Managing Comorbidities

Posted by twinklev

I keep trying to make a positive difference in managing my life for CRPS with comorbidities. I’ve been doing low carbs since March. I’ve attempted my usual summertime physical therapy using a kiddie pool. I do this each year.

Inside the water I can do 20 push-ups! Outside it, zero. In the water, 100 leg slides. Well, that’s what I call them. Outside the water, barely a handful.

I’m always thinking that if I can do enough inside water that it will benefit me outside. If water wasn’t weightless, I couldn’t achieve these.

As far as low carbs, I’m not doing Keto really. I’m just extra mindful of my carbohydrate intake. Generally, staying around 35 net carbs daily.

My kidneys and colon have a hard time with lower carbs. Meat and cheese is my enemy. Our western diets can cause Diverticulosis, or at least contribute to it. I’m sure it contributed to mine. The last time I did low carbs I had intensely painful bouts of Diverticulitis. It took months to settle down entirely.

This time, my right kidney threw a fit. My kidneys are at about 50 percent of normal function. I’ve self managed it fairly well since diagnosis approximately 8 years ago.

I was diagnosed with NAFLD about 10 years ago. I wasn’t drinking alcohol back then.

I’ve already had part of my liver removed for hemangioma, tangled blood vessels. It was during a surgery to remove a remainder of Gallbladder left behind from a Gallbladder surgery a year prior. There’s still more masses on my liver that wasn’t removed.

I haven’t had much pain there since Manual Ligament Therapy in late 2016, early 2017. The therapy was for my CRPS and Spine, but I recieved benefit for other issues, including Gastritis.

Unfortunately, my belly does swell horribly at times, but pain there, for the most part, has been manageable.

I’ve been praying less weight will equal being easier to weight bear. Less impact on my bones. I’ve had Juvinile Arthritis and mild Cerebral Palsy since the beginning of my life.

I don’t know if I had Scoliosis earlier as well, I wasn’t formerly diagnosed with Levoscoliosis until 2016.

What I do know is there’s too many sprains, strains, and fractures, and I’m not entirely sure how to keep them from reoccurring. My muscles are weak. I’ve had vitamin D deficiency for several years, and do take OTC supplements.

Water PT gifts me natural D, sunshine, and nature. It’s a win win when I can get to my patio for it. It’s also my favorite time to thank Jesus for all he does for me, and with me.

Today I remind myself that no matter how it may seem at times, or even how it feels…

I am perseverance; I am resilience.

I am Stronger Than Pain.

Recovery

Posted by twinklev

Recovery is never owned. It is always rented; And the rent is due everyday.

I speak from experience and of a place where recovery in each of these aspects were bleak for some time. Hopeless.

Recovery from anything is badass. Try, try again, if we must, but let’s not stop trying. Eventually the pain lessons. I’m not speaking of physical pain as that isn’t always possible. Many illnesses, progress. The mental pain, anguish, depression and despair that often comes with, can.

I can hardly describe the level of “worn” I had become.

I kept on keeping on though. Trying.

The many years of being a pain patient advocate helped restore purpose from prior years of being bed bound. My Spinal Cord Stimulator permanent implant in 2006 gave me extra life to do so. It may not have been a lot, but it was a lot to me and I was grateful.

The last couple of years I’ve been learning to live without it. I had its benefit for a decade.

Imagine suddenly revising the bit of life it offered to no more or very little once more. That was an ouch on my mental health and I had to recover myself from that loss. I think I’ve mentioned a few times before its still implanted, non working. This year will be 15 years since it first became apart of my body.

For the longest time I found myself adjusting my body to the stimulation that wasn’t on. Habit. I was mindful that it was time to charge my internal battery, yet it wasn’t.

These things may seem odd, but it had been routine for so long.

I’m currently attempting to recover from weight gain. I was doing low carbs in late 2019 when my ankle broke. I fell off that as I was laid up from it for a time being. CoVid emerged and when people were buying and hoarding toilet paper, our only staple became rice. Anything goes with rice. We didn’t have stocked cupboards or pantries full of backup food items. We had rice! The carbohydrates flourished.

I’ve been back on low carbs for about 11 weeks.

Addictions and habits come in many forms. Not all are alcohol or drug related. I know a lot of people with severe sugar addiction. They can’t give it up. In comparison to booze or substances its the same, differently. It creates diabetes and heart disease.

Have you ever heard someone say “at least they’re not on drugs? At least they’re not a alcoholic? I have! Numerous times.

My husband can’t give up his sugar and he has both. He’s had a quadruple open heart surgery and 4 heart attacks. First heart attack at 37 years old and his 4th in 2018 at 51.

Each time he tried and fell back into unhealthy habits.

Is an alcoholic or drug addiction worse than a sugar addiction? I don’t believe so anymore. It’s easy to toss on the stigma for certain groups and minimize the same problem in others, yet sugar kills too. Any bad habit is harmful.

I’m also recovering from his choice to have his snacks. I didn’t want him to. I want him to live. In my own healing, I realized I can’t make him choose better. Only he can do that.

We all, every one of us, has something we do to cope. We all vary. Even Workaholics are consumed by an addiction. I could go on and on.

We have to find our road to recovery within ourselves.

The only person who could help me, or make me stop consuming alcohol was me. You can’t guilt shame people into stopping a bad habit. You know what you really do for them with shaming? Nudge them toward another shot of booze or into reaching for their problem of choice, perhaps a cookie binge.

I use to feel, like many patient advocates had and still do, that drug addicts were the reason that I, an incurable non opioid addict, was denied pain care. That’s not true to me anymore, and it hasn’t been for a few years now.

These people didn’t do this to me. It’s the politics, anti opioid crusaders, PROP, physicians running scared, illicit narcotics, and so forth.

I am still bothered by lack of personal responsibility though. Becoming an addict, misusing, or abusing, isn’t solely everyone else’s fault.

Choice and consequence.

Pain is pain and it’s all semantics anyway.

If you’re sober today, I’m proud of you. If you’re not, I’m praying for you.

Forward in faith,

Journey on.

29 Months Alcohol Free

Posted by twinklev

Next Friday, the 18th, I’ll be 29 months alcohol free.

I used alcohol in order to cope with chronic illness, comorbidities, intense intractable pain. I did this especially when pain and associated symptoms were out of control, when medication management was denied or delayed by Worker’s Compensation, and ultimately when I was dropped from pain management of 12 years in early 2016.

I can hardly believe I’ve existed since.

I haven’t blogged in some time. If you’ve followed me throughout the years you know that I was also suicidal in 2016-17 and attempts were made.

2016 is when booze came on board for me with more than a few drinks. In 2017, I had backed off from it again, and towards the end of 2018, I was struggling extra without any health related care or management of pain.

January 2021 was also the 20th year of CRPS 2 and the work injuries that caused it.

By this time though, I reached 2 years of sobriety. (January 18, 2019 is when this part of my journey to abstain begun)

My son gifted me this coin. It’s a heart felt reminder of overlapping emotions, the deepest was letting go.

Letting go of fighting for care was major. I’m not chasing or begging anyone, anymore, ever.

I’ve already done that and it killed me inside to be abandoned and discarded in such pain.

Here I am still, over 5 years later, no medications, no treatments, under no physician care whatsoever, with a broken spinal cord stimulator, progression, and…. alcohol free.

How? Jesus Only Jesus.