NERVEmber + Goals for 2018

In a Facebook post that read ‘

Goals for 2018
– Continue healing all aspects of myself.
– Continue to learn and utilize holistic remedies
– Continue post Gohl Method protocols
– Start off slow and end big.

 

I could have shared more because there is more. So much more I want to accomplish. Yet because of my inability still to commit, I left it at that. If the above is all I achieve, I’ve achieved it all.

I’ve spoken to several people after me who have been traumatized by the healthcare system. Traumatized in ways that isn’t the logo’s promoted for these services. Humanity.

There isn’t anything humane in treating people, patients so minimally that they feel worse after seeing you than they did when they sought your help. I don’t know for certain if it was the CDC ruling, or the President declaring an emergency on opioids but I do know for certain that inhumane attitudes, remarks, and accusations is not the definition of humanity.

I would have rather had a physician tell me no, dismiss me not knowing what to do for me than have had them assume I was someone I wasn’t.

I’ve spoken to people who did everything right in their care, for their life, and still everything went wrong. A person who is at the top of the advocacy chain, admired by many, and still was treated so poorly that trauma, PTSD has resulted.

Is there a word, a code, a safe word someone can use when we’re so serious about our pain, state of mind,  or knowing better for ourselves that we’re believed?

There wasn’t for me. I reserved that 10 my entire life. And when I used it I was thrown away.

Now other people are experiencing what I did. Prominent people. The only thing I had done wrong if it was even truly wrong at all was self medicate with alcohol after the facts, amidst the denials, delays, and incompetence. This person doesn’t do any of that.

My road is still long but I see an ending for it. I have a long way to go in healing but I know I will. I still have the diseases, syndromes and so forth but because I was blessed with MLT and my own determination, I’m alive.

I’m listening to the NERVEmber posts and as much video as I can grab before my comp shuts down from trying and I hear the people talk about their much needed, lifetime care.

I don’t have that.

Imagine a world with no care from western medicine for whatever reason because it doesn’t matter why. Just imagine you on your own for your life. For your pain relief and your well being. From your symptoms and your uncertainty.

If you can you might understand me. Because I’ve gone through it, I understand you.

It may have taken you a moment to feel me and why I fell so hard, but you do know now because you’ve went there too.

After my decline I asked for 1 year. 1 year to heal myself, progress, find me, learn me.

I thought I would be good a year later.  While my year began October 24, 2016 in a sense it begins toward the end of January of 2017.

It may not seem it from onlookers, but i have come far physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

I wanted to try to find my way back into some advocacy. for 2018. I don’t know yet.

I’m not certain yet because it isn’t always over when we want it to be. Sometimes it takes a lifetime.

All I know for sure is that I’ve been through and overcome obstacles that many believe aren’t possible.

Stronger Than Pain – Kurtis Ozra VanFleet

Medtronic INC

Arisen Strength – Shane Schulz

Gohl Method – Arik Gohl

You’re my only commitments.

 

I’ll try for you.

 

I start off slow and end big each and every day because I reach a new tomorrow.

That goal is my only priority. My ID isn’t just RsdCrpsFire for the fire of CRPS/RSD. It’s symbolic in living, thriving, the fires that be within ourselves. Passion. There’s always a duality in me.

I currently can’t talk right and for those who understood why I couldn’t 2 years ago, you might understand now. Otherwise, I won’t be sharing why.  Let me just say that if I do any voice, phone calls or videos that I’ll have a lisp. My sound, voice and speech will be altered. I’m okay with it. I have to be. This video doesn’t contain that problem.

Enough said. x

 

 

 

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Week in Review

I haven’t so much gotten many breaks this year aside from MLT but I’m much better able to handle the stressors.  The last couple of months has been pulling our home out of foreclosure, my husband returning to work, dealing with loss of insurance and then thinking its merge into covered california coverage would be at least somewhat affordable, but it wasn’t. My previous post about starting PT again was hopeful for a minute. The authorization and appointment was scheduled in days. It would have begun November 2nd. Our insurance ends October 30th. I had already lost care for my SCS and CRPS in February of 2016 this new appointment was separate under Medicare and for my spine only.  Even though I have lifetime medical under Worker’s Compensation it’s not that easy.  My injury was so long ago even physicians who accept WC have declined to take me as a patient.  My previous PMD didn’t get paid for his services for me for 5 years straight until he proceeded to court on it. I understand that a doctor needs to get paid and my adjuster nearly always delayed or denied. I’ve been in the process of closing out that future medical since the end of June 2017. It could take years. It hasn’t provided me nothing.

Our second daughter Rikki and her Fiance are moving to Texas. They’ve sold their home and will be leaving any day now.

Our son was activated for the California Fires (Sonoma) Emergency State Active Duty (ESAD) IC4U Unit. He works for the Solano County Sheriff’s Department and was already driving into it each day for his position securing the courthouse, but then was called to duty.  Ozra is also the CEO and President of Stronger Than Pain so he has a lot on his plate too.  Especially for having not turned 21 yet.

Kurtis Ozra IC4U Unit Telecommunications Specialist

I know there’s a difference between those who’ve fought and who are fighting overseas and in combat zones. Ozra is State side. I’m just as proud because we need help too.  Our devastations need these units to protect us as well. Both of my dad’s served in Vietnam. My current dad (my mom parted from my birth daddy in death in September of 1991 and married her childhood sweetheart years later)  was active in front line combat in the nam. He still has shrapnel in him. He’s both retired military and retired law enforcement. My daughter Rikki served in the Army, her fiance did 2 hard tours including Afghanistan. My husband was Navy for a minute and his father 21 years in the air force, his mama was an original Rosie. He flew them, she built them.  My husbands brother was a Navy Seal, we lost him in 2016. My husband was born in his parents 40’s, they have both been deceased since our early 20’s My dad died 10 months before his dad, and his mom barely 2 years later.  Ozra never met any of them, but I know they know him.

I’m severely behind in trying to catch up on anything internet or social media related. Our internet only became active for ourselves less than 2 weeks ago. Email has been a chore. I’m using an old laptop, so old it doesn’t even connect to certain sites because of browsers being out of date. Can’t update because they aren’t supported with such an old version of Windows. I’m grateful though that I have partial access at least and that’s been good enough.

Our grandson ‘Tai is thriving and our oldest Kharisma is hanging in there.

Currently, I’m working on returning my breathing machine to the sleep source center, cancelling that new PT appointment, and getting my other laptop restored though I’m not as on that as I could be.

My day’s are:

Move my body out of bed

(After sleeping, I’m sore and stiff)

Make coffee

(Do a few stretches using the kitchen counter)

Start home chores

(Have coffee)

Feed my dogs

(Try to feel awake and reduce pain from rising)

Internet and email

(As much as I can however limited from myself or something else)

Rest

(Stretch)

It’s repetitive all day.  Do, naps, do, rest, do and do some Netflix, too.

 

I go to Church as much as I can. Sometimes I go, but don’t stay for group.  It’s embarrassing for me to doze when Pastor speaks. I’m learning better that it’s okay, but I’m not so okay with it yet that I would let me fall asleep on them like that knowing it’s coming.

We start Church with a set of 3 songs and end with 1.  I’m finally able to stand for most of them.   A few times I’ve been able to for all, but not every time.  Progress still.  Of course I pay for my standing, singing, and wish to be with others, but I’ll do it again because I want to that much.

I just restarted PreNatal Vitamins as a source of a once a day with extra in it.  There’s no baby on the way.  Just another alternative to feel as good as I can without those things we sometimes hope for elsewhere.

Until next time…

 

My Natural Alternatives for Pain, Depression and Anxiety.

My natural alternatives for pain, depression, anxiety, pain management, and medication management that I’ve used over the last year that has afforded me an ability to maintain physical pain levels in addition to the emotional secondary conflicts that living with intractable pain has caused.

I look forward to those of you who can provide additional natural or holistic recommendations for myself and others.

Please be advised that any information that I share is NOT medical advice and that I’m not responsible for your choice to consider or use any of the options provided. Always consult with your healthcare team or pharmacist first.

Milk Thistle

Commonly used to detox the body, especially the liver. It can also help control or prevent Diabetes, lower cholesterol and is an antiinflammatory.

Turmeric
Anti inflammatory, antioxidant, treats arthritis and pain related diseases and disorders, including age related chronic diseases. It can be effective as an antidepressant.

Chronic inflammation is known to be a contributor to many common Western diseases, syndromes, and other illnesses. Curcumin the active
ingredient in Turmeric can inhibit many molecules known to play major roles in inflammation.

Curcumin Boosts Brain-Derived Neurotrophic Factor, Linked to Improved Brain Function and Lower Risk of Brain Diseases. Ref: Healthline.

http://www.healthline.com/nutrition/top-10-evidence-based-health-benefits-of-turmeric

For Anxiety and Insomnia- Valerian Root

Valerian root is a common ingredient sold in dietary supplements. It claims to cure insomnia and nervous tension caused by anxiety. Valerian has been used for centuries as an herbal remedy.

It was used in ancient Greece and Rome to ease:

Insomnia
Nervousness
Trembling
Headaches
Stress

Based on the available research, take 300 to 600 milligrams (mg) of valerian root 30 minutes to two hours before bedtime. This is best for insomnia or sleep trouble. For tea, soak 2 to 3 grams of dried herbal valerian root in 1 cup of hot water for 10 to 15 minutes.

Valerian root seems to work best after taking it regularly for two or more weeks. Don’t take valerian root for more than a month without talking to your doctor.

http://www.healthline.com/health/food-nutrition/valerian-root#overview1

I use Valerian both as a hot tea and in capsule form. It’s been quite helpful as a replacement for prescribed medications.

*** If you’re on any medications, please discuss using the Valerian Root with your physician or pharmacist.
Magnesium

It’s believed that magnesium in citrate are better absorbed than sulfate forms.

 

Top 9 Health Benefits of Magnesium

Helps Increase Energy.
Calms Nerves and Anxiety.
Treats Insomnia and Helps You Fall Asleep.
Helps with Digestion by Relieving Constipation.
Relieves Muscle Aches and Spasms.
Regulates Levels of Calcium, Potassium and Sodium.
Important for Heart Health.
Prevents Migraine Headaches.

Dreams– Some people have reported lucid dreaming using it. Being a lucid dreamer already, I love this for myself.

Magnesium Sulfate also known as Epsom’s salt. https://www.everydayhealth.com/drugs/magnesium-sulfate
More info: https://draxe.com/magnesium-supplements/

I use Magnesium in both capsule form as well as drink it in the sulfate form. Yes it’s the same form that we use to soak in baths with. It helps constipation for any reason. In the capsule form it provides natural ease from depression.

Echinacea for immune system support and more. http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/252684.php

Echinacea

Vitamins B12, B1, B6, Calcium, Zinc, Vitamin C are each important also.

Chamomile, peppermint, Lavender, Rosemary, Ginger, Green teas.

Ginger, I shave, cut and steep fresh ginger for it’s anti inflammatory properties and to use for female problems, namely dysmenorrhea. It is a blood thinner too so don’t use it if taking a pharmaceutical that’s also a thinner.

Chia seeds

“Chia” means strength, and folklore has it that these cultures used the tiny black and white seeds as an energy booster. That makes sense, as chia seeds are a concentrated food containing healthy omega-3 fatty acids, carbohydrates, protein, fiber, antioxidants, and calcium.

It truly is a super food. A really good article from August 2nd 2017 can be found on http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/291334.php

I use them nearly everyday. in both food and drink.

http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/291334.php

Kratom

It can be used for pain relief, depression, anxiety and a number of other ailments. It can be used as a stimulant. Each is dependent on dosing. It’s only dangerous if not used responsibly just like anything else. The only effect I’ve ever felt from it is a sense of calming which helped physical pain. I’ve drank it as a tea.

St. Johns Wort. This can cause adverse effects if taken with medications. It can be quite helpful for those who aren’t on any medications. It can interact adversely with other herbs or supplements.  Be safe.

“Some of the most impressive health benefits of St. John’s Wort include its ability to treat depression, improve mood swings, relieve anxiety, reduce the severity of premenstrual symptoms, ease addictive tendencies, regulate hormonal activity, prevent cancer, protect against viral infections, reduce inflammation, and soothe the nervous system.” Ref: Organic Facts.

https://www.organicfacts.net/health-benefits/herbs-and-spices/st-johns-wort.htm

OTC’s

Epsom salts for soaking in order to relieve aching muscles and promote relaxation. I adore the Lavender and Eucalyptus kind and have even added it to my kiddie pool this summer. It provides aromatherapy as well as physical relaxation. It promotes a happy mood. Don’t drink this type though!

Epsom’s salts gel. It’s a topical form of Epsoms and can be applied to painful areas.

Aspercreme with Lidocaine

Thermo heat wraps

Capsaicin
It’s the same ingredient found in chili peppers. It’s hot. It can be helpful for some and adverse to others. It’s actually something I’m not able to use, The heat was severe and I couldn’t even wash it off without it burning for an extended period of time.

Pre natal vitamins are a source of multivitamins in a single dose. Don’t overuse it.

I’m still not able to walk long, but I am able to stay up longer and take more steps. I haven’t been able to run yet and it’s been over 17 years that I have.
I’ve been able to restore some bad posture that was also contributing to pain levels, dysfunction and spinal deterioration. I’ve learned to breathe better by being more mindful to belly breath instead of hold my breath in pain and hyperventilate. My little kiddie pool has been great for me this summer as it has allowed me to move my limbs, bones, muscles, and spine with weightless effort. This has helped me do a little more outside of water.

I’ve restored blood restriction from movement. I’ve reduced discoloration and edema in my CRPS side. I’ve eased a lot of internal organ involvement by using my little ball (A tennis ball learned at the Gohl Program) on my belly in a circular motion minimally a few times a week. Stretching, movement.

You might be thinking how? right now. How can you? How can I? Am I better off than you are regarding pain, crps, etc? Or a need for medication management? Know how many times I’ve asked myself how can I without any? How can I do my routines? The ones that also hurt me. You may be thinking you can’t do  or use any of the above because you’re in too much pain or you simply can’t stand the taste of something. I know. I was on pain relieving medication since the injury that led to my CRPS began. Even before the diagnosis itself. Since day 1. January 26, 2001 and then I suddenly wasn’t anymore. Of course I was dependent. I’ve had the Medtronic SCS since 2006.

I’ve had many people tell me they’re on Oxycodone with secondary Hydrocodone, or an extended release with a another pain medication for breakthrough pain and how they’re still at a 10 in pain.

Imagine that 10 with opioid medication and my “any pain level” without. If you can truly imagine that for just a moment then you might understand why I didn’t want to live anymore and how I became adamant that I wouldn’t.

Food

I do cook more yet 7 days a week isn’t happening. I do make foods in batches to freeze so that my husband has something to eat. So that we both do on the days that cooking is problematic.  Homemade TV dinners.

I have a wheelchair, or should I say had. It’s on my patio ruined because I let it get rained on. I suppose in the back of my mind I still didn’t want it. I have a walker with a seat and breaks, I have it stored away, I have several cane’s, including 4 prong, I’m not using any of them. I lost my walking stick.

I love nature and being outside even if it’s only on my patio in my little pool. I’d encourage you to trade some of that internet time for nature.

When that pain, or any pain rises from any of my issues, I remind myself that I really am stronger than pain and that I survived for a purpose I had never considered before it all. A purpose that isn’t in CRPS Awareness anymore as it had been the 13 years prior. It’s not in finding a cure for something that most likely will never happen in my lifetime or yours but instead helping people live in the here and the now. Change cognitive beliefs that keep the pain state of mind active and replace those with a sense of healing, ability, and laughter. Laughter increases endorphins and endorphins reduce pain if even for only moments at a time.

It’s in raising your well being and supporting your progress instead of glorifying pain.

Moderate to severe physical pain will affect your emotions, your mind and it causes depression and overwhelming feelings of loss whether that be
a career, livelihood, the friends we once had, or who we were before we became chronic or intractable. It’s a constant cycle of stress and a vicious and a continuous 360 of remaining there. Fight or Flight is the stress response. The way you handle that stress response plays a main role in the ability to cope with physical pain. It’s been said for decades that RSD affects the sympathetic nervous system, the
sympathetic nervous is 1 half of the autonomic nervous system, the other part being the para sympathetic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system resides within the Central Nervous System. No wonder RSD is so out of hand. The Sympathetic nervous system is most commonly known as fight or flight. And more recently, fight, flight or freeze. If we’re in a constant state of stress, distress, our bodies regardless of injury or diagnosis won’t heal either. It can’t.

Understanding the stress response

Chronic activation of this survival mechanism impairs health

The news has reported from several media outlets that addiction and overdose deaths affects families and how those poor families are hurting because of the devastating impact it causes. Fair enough! Will they ever report how chronic pain affects families the same way? Or how our families suffer right along with us? I doubt it. Pain of any kind hurts families not just the pain of overdose that has little to do with any pain patient and everything to do with a choice. Even if the choice was made without the ability to understand the consequences. My choice to die and their choice to take too much. Fair? Suicidal ideations is trying to reason and bargain with pain (any kind) as is anyone who throws back that extra and dies from it.

One of my favorite books is Anatomy and Physiology Made Easy. A Concise Learning Guide To Master The Fundamentals by Dr. Phillip Vaughn. I have the Kindle Version. Available on Amazon. It’s an easy read. The other Anatomy and Physiology book I’m reading is a bit more complicated and more in depth. I would recommend the above title as a starting point for anyone without or without pain,  and as an informative tool regarding the human body, and as a stepping stone in order to understand possibility where possible is seemingly over.

So much can be done with a Yoga ball even from a bed.

(Initially this would have been either a Facebook Live or Periscope Live to share with you. When I’m able, I’ll still do a presentation and also demonstrate some of the techniques I use. IE: balls, dog toys, stretching, etc)

I’ve most likely left out other things I’ve done for myself.

Until next time. x

 

 

 

Undeniable Breakthrough

I haven’t written for a minute because I’ve been struggling to maintain a sense of worth and ability while at the same time coming out of the closest remission I’ve ever had. I’ve learned to survive without medication management for pain, yet there are times I wish I had even a 10 count as needed a month of Hydrocodone or Tramadol because it’s hard. I’ve learned and used every natural way I know to help myself.

I know that no physician ever pushed opioids on me and I don’t believe that even though I was dismissed and abandoned that it was personal. I understand they were under stress during that same period of time which just happened to be my worse time.

I never used the 10 on the pain scale in all my years of CRPS or the dozen other pain and non pain related disorders. I reserved that number. When I did use it, when it was 10 it didn’t do me any good because I suppose it’s so overused even the medical community thinks it’s a joke if we do.

The joke was on me.

Overwhelming - Breakthrough

I spent the summer in a little kiddie pool in order to do weightless movement that I wasn’t physically strong enough for outside of water. It really helped a lot. I’ve had a treadmill for about 10 years, an old model and still in working order. I’ve had a stationary bike for approximately 10 years, the ab slider my son sent over a few months back, my yoga ball while about 4-5 years old I only started using recently.

It’s just the treadmill and yoga ball I’m using now along with some stretches, mindful about posture, I learned with having MLT.

I could suck it up and have the spinal surgery, or I can suck it up and continue to do all I can for me still without any of that. It’s been a great stress reliever to not be having monthly PMD appointments, to not worry about whether or not medications will be delayed or denied, to not wait for a lumbar or cervical pain block, to not have to rely on someone or something for relief.

I’ve managed also to better regulate my high blood pressure often 180/+ to restore internal involvement, level off drastic inflammation and swelling for the most part. Today is a swollen day, symptoms extra present, dreading getting on the treadmill, but I have to even if for only 20 seconds. I’ve not made it beyond a minute even on better days.

I use the chia seeds for their anti inflammatory, anti oxidant, fiber, and other qualities. My allotment of vitamins have ran extremely low, so I’m out of some, and have a bit of others left. The combination was helping me maintain better. I feel like ka ka right now and so I know they provided a benefit. Since it’s expensive to buy so many different kinds I’ll be replacing it with Prenatal vitamins this upcoming week. The prenatal (nope, not pregnant) provides many supplements in one for a single price. That’s my best option until I can replace my others. I use fresh ginger as well.

The chia seeds I use as a sprinkle on foods and in water, coffee. In liquid the seed becomes a gel.

Later I’ll be doing either Facebook or Periscope live to share these natural ways of helping ourselves. Especially for those whose pain relief analgesics have been reduced or stopped and for those interested either way.

Do things happen for a reason? Or are they random? I’d like to believe it’s all been for a reason and that reason being instead of advocating and raising awareness solely for cures and information about an illness to instead raise it for HRQoL, suicide prevention and our mental health that will always go with it.

That’s the purpose of Stronger Than Pain.  Helping people live not just share with them all the reasons they never will again but rather all the reasons they can, must, and have to.

Through it all came an undeniable breakthrough.

 

Check out

I spent the morning with my family before check out. Last night was suppose to be G’bye for now, but my husband took me back over this morning so that I could braid my moms hair and see her one more time. They should arrive back home in Georgia in about 10 days.

I was spoiled with other life stories I had never heard, a new bathing suit (Okay not really new but brand new to me. It was my little sisters new one :)). I was spoiled with precious time, love, and new memories with them. They gifted me with a new hip/shoulder bag from Disneyland. I felt like a little kid again. My littlest sister asked me again to move to Georgia, my mom wishes I could. I had made plans to go last year yet there would be so much to do in order to. I’d either have to sell my home or rent it out, repair it before any of that and just toss most of it away. While I want to my biggest concern or worry if you will is letting it all go to start over and then if I lost them I’d be left in a place that’s not my home. It’s only my home because it’s theirs and I’ve never lived there. Home is where the heart is until the heart no longer exists.

I can adapt to change because I have to. I don’t favor it otherwise and I rather not seek it to find it. Ha! Change is really the only thing that’s constant.

“The way up and the way down are one and the same”. ~Heraclitus

This year has truly been a blessing on so many levels. I’ve come so far in such little time. Enlightened at a much higher level. As an empath/sensitive I always carried my pain and yours. And while I may not ever be able to set that aside, I know better to remove myself from such pains that instigate my own.

My physical pain is manageable without any medications. My emotional stability is stable. Neither of these are to insinuate they no longer exist but instead show that even in trauma regardless of the type or anything overlapping that our animal instinct as humans can guide our survival.

What a ride it’s been!

RSD/CRPS and other conditions as well stimulate the stress response. Fight or Flight. Fight or run away. Fight, flight or freeze as it’s also come to be known. If your hungry you’re going to find your food. If you’re threatened your survival instinct is to survive. If you’re in pain your instinct would be to relieve it. Pain of any kind effects our minds. Some people are enraged to hear such things because they have to defend their pain as not being mental. It’s all mental. Without your brain, you’re mind, we couldn’t feel pain therefore mental health is always a coexisting factor.

Isolation.

Aside from having not driven but a handful of times in 17 years due to the CRPS injury and having to rely on my husband and then my children to go anywhere at all and the fact that my drivers license continues to dangle on the edge of suspension due to Narcolepsy, I’m more interested in being able to again than saying I never will.

I’m more interested in recognizing other peoples pain than I am in awareness right now. I love listening to other people’s stories because lets face it everyone is unique in what they endure. Without those people there isn’t anything to raise awareness for.

I didn’t want to see my mom go but I have to adapt again to not having her. I will.

Ozra, Me and Mom - June 30, 2017 resized

June 30th, 2017. Saying G’bye before they drove to Disneyland and the last time my son would be with his grandparents on this trip.

My son has only met his grandparents a few times in his life. My mom and my step father. He’s never met my dad as he was already deceased 6 years before Ozra was born. Ozra has never met his paternal grandparents because they both died years before his birth. I can still remember his little voice asking me “Why didn’t they stay to meet me”?Heartbreaking. Our daughters being much older than him had the privilege of meeting all of them and they do retain vague memories. Happy ones.

Ozra and Mom resized

I have a really tall son! Us girls are all shorties. I’m actually the tallest of my mom and my sister (the one she gave birth to, not my adopted sister. Wait! I’m taller than Rosie, too! :)). My sons dad, my husband of 30+ years is inches shorter. His sisters (Same father of course) have no height either. Our second daughter Rikki is an inch taller than I. Kharisma didn’t get an extra inch. ~laughs. Our grandson is already taller than me and he’s 11.

Progress continues.

If I don’t get outside to my little pool and do my routines, I’ll dwell on not having done it. 😛

I love you mom!

Survival Instinct

My first experience with suicide was when I was barely anything more than a toddler. I can still remember it all so vividly. Wandering an empty house, trying to care for my crying baby sister who was still in a crib. My life as a caregiver began that day. My sister and I are 2 and one half years apart in age.

My mother and father were 10 years apart. To be more specific, 9 and 1 half, the same number of years our son is to his oldest sister and the same amount of time between our son and grandson.

My mom inherited 3 children from my dad. She was 19, him nearly 30. She was suddenly the step mother to children between 6 and 12. My sister and I are her only children with my dad. My mom and dad were married 25 years when he died of cancer.

My dad was a very dominant man who used his hands on her at his will. I wasn’t 16 yet when he was first diagnosed with lung cancer. He had a partial lung removal. When I was 22 it returned with a vengeance. By this time I had been married 4 years and had 2 beautiful daughters. That same year I lost my twins. One ectopic the other was lost during the exploratory laparotomy which would make me never be able to have children again. I would give birth to a son months before my 30th birthday. 3 years later I would have the injury that led to CRPS. 1 year before my injury we lost our rental home and it’s entire contents to a fire. My husband and our son was in that fire. My husband not only threw our little son out the window, but managed to, having already been burned make it to the connecting unit and help them and their baby out of it.

I worked on the main avenue and I heard all the sirens. I remember my heart sinking of fear and then I dismissed it as an overactive imagination. 30 minutes or so later an officer came into my work and asked for me personally. He said “Ma’am you need to come with me now”. I asked “Why?”. He responded “your home is ablaze”. “Where’s my husband, where’s my baby? Tell me their alive. He said “I don’t know”.

I dropped to my knees because I knew I left them sleeping when I went to work. When we arrived 2 blocks were blocked off and I could see the flames raging out what had been my kitchen window into the street. He told me to stay in his car but I couldn’t. I ran toward my house. There were so many people in the streets, fire, rescue, police, even the American Red Cross was on the scene before I was and I don’t think that officer could have gotten me there any quicker. I ran away from him and into chaos. Eventually I seen my husband near an ambulance. His fingers were burned so badly that they looked like freddy krugar knives. Part of his ear was melted off, all facial hair gone. His chest was burned and his feet were bare. His face was burned and blistering, he had severe smoke inhalation. My baby was already en route to the hospital. I’ll never be able to describe that emotion. My husband was taken after I got to him. My son went out the window in a diaper, my husband was in his underwear.

The red cross put us up in a motel after assessing all that it was. It was all gone. We still had our jobs. My husband never took disability for that event instead he used his accumulated sick leave and vacation. I walked to work for weeks. Between the fire and the fear I reduced my weekly work hours to be with my children and as a result when I became injured it would alter compensation for the next chapters of my life. While my WC disability rating is above 70 percent I would go on to received $76.04 a month. Less than the minimum under the state. I would receive only “wages” instead. Had I not lessened my work hours the quarter before, my lifetime stipend would have been considerably more.

My career prior to this job was high management. Restaurant Management. I took that job at the time so that I could be farmer’s little duck without any title or responsibility other than my own cashier position. I was the manager on duty the night of my injury. I wasn’t a manager. What I was is someone often used for another persons gain. Someone who would give, and then give some more. Sort of like the last 16 years of CRPS as well.

Within a couple of years of that first suicide experience I was molested for the first time. That would continue for another 2 years at least and because I was the oldest of my sister and I, I would end up taking the brunt of it for her.

I learned really young to hold it. I learned so well that by the time unrelenting physical pain came I couldn’t show it enough. Not out in the world. Only online. Only in words.

Facebook is one of my flaws because it becomes too easy to say too much even if the intention is well.

My birth daddy, no matter how hard would lead me into never being able to speak up for myself. He didn’t allow me to complain or not feel well. Just like my mama. My mama never had a voice, couldn’t laugh or play. She couldn’t have friends and she couldn’t want to be around her own family. Even when she went to real-estate school she was accused of doing something wrong. I would end up submissive and someone who could only give, but never receive.  That man did me right even so. I would be the one to close his eyes when he died. I would be the one to pry his hands off the hospital bed railing that he must have grabbed onto as he was taking his last breaths. I would be the one to wake my mom when it was over. My dad died in the home of my husband and I are our 2 little daughters.

I would end up someone who would give everything above herself. I would end up being someone who could hold intense pain so well that not even a professional could recognize it without diagnostic proof enough to believe.

I would end up losing another child after the same injury that led to RSD/CRPS, one I never thought could be possible because I was told it wasn’t possible. I would lose that baby because of consequences directly related to it. I have finally let that go to the extent that I carried it just this year.

December of 2012 my husband had a quadruple bypass. He had his first heart attack at 37. 2 stents were placed in his heart. He had another heart attack within a couple of years. He was diagnosed with Diabetes during the first. I never left the hospital and because I couldn’t drive, I slept outside in the van in a really hard winter.

Less than a year before that our son had a Traumatic Brain Injury. He was intubated, and in a coma. He sustained a severe trauma to his frontal lobe in addition to other areas of his brain. I never left the hospital for that 11 days either. When he was 17 and his back was being evaluated due to the head injury we learned from Shriners Hospital that he was born with birth defects of his spine. I’m grateful that the doctor never told me he was in trauma as I gave birth to him because the cord was wrapped entirely around his neck and his body. The doctor literally spun him out of me. I gave birth to Ozra entirely natural. Had I known, my body may have reacted in fear and inadvertently caused his death.

In 2013, our oldest daughter would be diagnosed with a rare liver disease called EHE. She’s been on the liver transplant list. I wanted to be a living donor for her but because I had part of my liver removed just months before, and because I also have lesions on my liver in other areas, and because the vessels in mine are adverse, I haven’t been able to go forward. If I die, my child will have my liver. It’s still good enough for someone who needs one. It’s not good enough while I’m living.

My daughter Rikki has served in the U.S. Army. She would have been deployed to Afghanistan with a rifle in her hands. A military training session would bring her back home. She’s never sought disability compensation. The incident to be clear was not her fault she was just someone receiving the worse of it.

Our children are 29, 28 and 20.

I would be fine through it all. I would fake it to make it. I would compartmentalize all of the before in order to survive CRPS and coexisting diagnosis’ and developments. . Until physical pain reached a level I couldn’t breathe through, think through, or feel anything else through. I had fell into the CDC Guidelines being created and implemented, the physicians who became afraid to prescribe or consider us as anything more than the less than that we became.  I would be fired from pain management of 12 years 6 days after that first suicide attempt.

The first time I attempted suicide on Valentine’s Day of 2016 I was 11 days off medications. Medications I had appealed, won, yet never received. I wanted to be happy I survived. I wasn’t. The second time April 19th of 2016, I’ll never know how I survived that one. The 3rd time, January of 2017, I understood after that I’m not obligated to anyone. I’m not responsible for anyone other than mine. I don’t owe anyone anything that I didn’t return mutually already.

I know what I’m indebted to and it sure isn’t anyone here.

I love my mama who I’ve only seen but a few times in 20 years, and I love both of my fathers equally because one gave me my first 22 years of life and the other has been for this rest of it. But most of all my dad now has given my mom everything my dad couldn’t give her. A life without being hit, belittled, or scorned. My dad suffered from his own mental health dilemma’s because he was cheated on in his first marriage. He believed my mom wouldn’t ever be faithful. She was and she is.

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I would end up someone who wouldn’t take any kind of ka ka from anyone, anymore.

Even at my weakest points, I’ll always survive you.

 

 

 

Sunshine and Nature

I’ve been spending a lot of time outside in the sun in a little kiddie pool soaking up sunshine and nature. I’ve been using my pool to my advantage by doing weightless water movements in order to continue strengthening overall weakness in my body and to keep pain as minimal as I can.

I’m using chia seeds as a holistic and natural approach to pain relief. It’s anti-inflammatory and antioxidant properties have been helpful. I take Magnesium daily also.

I’d cut my internet time down considerably compared to the last several years in order to just take care of me for a little while. I wanted to share love and laugh instead of post only about pain and while it still included it I meant to keep it less than. I wanted to heal myself the best that I could with what I endure because I still don’t have pain management, use any form of pain medication, or receive any other kind of treatments or therapy related to pain.

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” ~Marilyn Monroe

I wanted to share progress in accomplishments since receiving MLT and from continuing to utilize the techniques that I had learned at the Gohl Program. I wanted for people to know I understood their pain because my own physical problems have been many. I wanted you to know there’s possibility in what we end up believing is impossible.

I didn’t want to feel responsible for things I either couldn’t or didn’t provide other people these last few months or more.

As of last night my Facebook is deactivated again. For how long I’m not certain. Maybe a couple of days, maybe longer. My Stronger Than Pain page should have shifted to my son as the sole administrator.

It’s time to head outside for my daily dose of sunshine and nature.

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