These months have anniversary affects attached for me and so managing depression can be a little harder than other times of the year.

Everything from unborn children loss to my husband’s several heart attacks to leaving advocacy, abandoned by my pain management specialist, denied care, suicide holds, death, so much more. I just pray that nothing else happens as I move through the seasons.

I’m not healed yet I remain IN healing.

I’ve reached out to a couple of people this year. Making amends of sorts, Trying to, I suppose. Break any ice that might be there.

Closure.

This time 4 years ago I was at my wits end once more. Denied care after trying to re establish after all that before and it was denied further.. I didnt try to kill myself, I promised I wouldn’t do that again. My husband had just had his 4th heart attack. He had it when we returned from my nephews funeral. I had been abstaining decently from the use of drink. His 3rd was barely a year before. My physical pain was awful (it was going on 2 years since losing my PMD) and I have no doubt the worry and stress added to the intensity of it all. His 4th year permanent work anniversary is the same day as 4th heart attack, too. I say permanent because he was with them as a temp during the 6 months prior. 

Sad, looking back. Sad, no medical care, understanding, even compassion is there to help a person. I literally ended up an alcoholic because of CRPS. I’m sure that was lingering since the very first time I used booze to relieve. That was 21 years ago. January will be 22 years since the injuries that led to CRPS. I’ve had 8 years sober before. Each day, I get closer to beating that.

It was there that the beginning of alcoholism sprouted.

Whiskey would warm and ease these ice cold painef bones. Booze can be used as medicine. It can and has been for centuries,, but the problem arises when it becomes a regular basis. It then becomes a necessity you rely on. Become dependent on.

I was dependent on those medications I was abruptly discontinued from, too. The years it took to adjust. Cymbalta withdrawal was brutal. All anyone wanted to talk about is the opuoids. That’s not the only thing that helps or hurts people.

Anyway,

I may be an alcoholic now, but I’m a recovering one and I plan to die one day still free of it.

I attend Church (online) each Sunday. March will be 3 years.

I’m on a 866 day Spanish Learning streak.

I’m still doing my music movement therapy. I’ve had a few periods of time I’ve been unable to.

I’m at 3 days a week, about 12 minutes each session on average. It hurts to do and it hurts not to.

I’ve been off and on the low carbs the last few months. I’ve gained some weight back of the 40 that I’d lost. I wish I had taken more pics when I had gotten lower. I didn’t though. Some days my swelling and inflammation is so bad, you can’t tell at all that I had lost any. Other days it was / is noticeable. Let’s just say, I’ve kept 30 off.

I’ve heard people gain weight when they quit smoking. I have no idea if this contributed for me.. Next week will be 8 months and November 18th, I’ll also be 3 years and 10 months alcohol free.

I did promote to 3 lb dumbbells finally. It took a long time. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to increase from here. I can move them at my side for stationary walking, I can’t lift them up (like a birds wings spread outward, or like a butterfly) without intense pain at my elbows. Probably Tendonitis, Idk. I have that diagnosis in other areas of my body, so it seems likely. It feels like meat being torn away from the bones.

I turned 54, 2 weeks ago. Collage photo dump. I haven’t shared any of these.

Photos, October 26, 2022.

My goals for this year is to re establish a sense of community. My social anxiety is pretty bad at times.

I currently engage lightly, (emojis, love, and care) I stay friendly, but do not take part in the bickering between groups, or individuals. I don’t really participate in actual conversation and if so, seldom. I’ll stay the same as the last several years and remove myself from anything no good for me.

I attended a CRPS support group meeting last month and plan to continue doing so. I enjoyed that.

All we can do is live forward.

If I ever hurt you, while I was hurting, I’m sorry.

Forward in faith…