Forward in Faith

These months have anniversary affects attached for me and so managing depression can be a little harder than other times of the year.

Everything from unborn children loss to my husband’s several heart attacks to leaving advocacy, abandoned by my pain management specialist, denied care, suicide holds, death, so much more. I just pray that nothing else happens as I move through the seasons.

I’m not healed yet I remain IN healing.

I’ve reached out to a couple of people this year. Making amends of sorts, Trying to, I suppose. Break any ice that might be there.


This time 4 years ago I was at my wits end once more. Denied care after trying to re establish after all that before and it was denied further.. I didnt try to kill myself, I promised I wouldn’t do that again. My husband had just had his 4th heart attack. He had it when we returned from my nephews funeral. I had been abstaining decently from the use of drink. His 3rd was barely a year before. My physical pain was awful (it was going on 2 years since losing my PMD) and I have no doubt the worry and stress added to the intensity of it all. His 4th year permanent work anniversary is the same day as 4th heart attack, too. I say permanent because he was with them as a temp during the 6 months prior. 

Sad, looking back. Sad, no medical care, understanding, even compassion is there to help a person. I literally ended up an alcoholic because of CRPS. I’m sure that was lingering since the very first time I used booze to relieve. That was 21 years ago. January will be 22 years since the injuries that led to CRPS. I’ve had 8 years sober before. Each day, I get closer to beating that.

It was there that the beginning of alcoholism sprouted.

Whiskey would warm and ease these ice cold painef bones. Booze can be used as medicine. It can and has been for centuries,, but the problem arises when it becomes a regular basis. It then becomes a necessity you rely on. Become dependent on.

I was dependent on those medications I was abruptly discontinued from, too. The years it took to adjust. Cymbalta withdrawal was brutal. All anyone wanted to talk about is the opuoids. That’s not the only thing that helps or hurts people.


I may be an alcoholic now, but I’m a recovering one and I plan to die one day still free of it.

I attend Church (online) each Sunday. March will be 3 years.

I’m on a 866 day Spanish Learning streak.

I’m still doing my music movement therapy. I’ve had a few periods of time I’ve been unable to.

I’m at 3 days a week, about 12 minutes each session on average. It hurts to do and it hurts not to.

I’ve been off and on the low carbs the last few months. I’ve gained some weight back of the 40 that I’d lost. I wish I had taken more pics when I had gotten lower. I didn’t though. Some days my swelling and inflammation is so bad, you can’t tell at all that I had lost any. Other days it was / is noticeable. Let’s just say, I’ve kept 30 off.

I’ve heard people gain weight when they quit smoking. I have no idea if this contributed for me.. Next week will be 8 months and November 18th, I’ll also be 3 years and 10 months alcohol free.

I did promote to 3 lb dumbbells finally. It took a long time. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to increase from here. I can move them at my side for stationary walking, I can’t lift them up (like a birds wings spread outward, or like a butterfly) without intense pain at my elbows. Probably Tendonitis, Idk. I have that diagnosis in other areas of my body, so it seems likely. It feels like meat being torn away from the bones.

I turned 54, 2 weeks ago. Collage photo dump. I haven’t shared any of these.

Photos, October 26, 2022.

Twinkle V, Stronger Than Pain.

My goals for this year is to re establish a sense of community. My social anxiety is pretty bad at times.

I currently engage lightly, (emojis, love, and care) I stay friendly, but do not take part in the bickering between groups, or individuals. I don’t really participate in actual conversation and if so, seldom. I’ll stay the same as the last several years and remove myself from anything no good for me.

I attended a CRPS support group meeting last month and plan to continue doing so. I enjoyed that.

All we can do is live forward.

If I ever hurt you, while I was hurting, I’m sorry.

Forward in faith…

Courses of Study


I’ll be starting a couple of courses soon in subjects of interest and which will be useful in any career or advocacy goals. I’m looking forward to learning more and I’m hopeful that I can pass the finals to receive the certification’s.

It’s an opportunity for continued education while deciding if Vocational Rehab can even begin this year.

I’m still reading Anatomy and Physiology books and I’m just beginning Section 5: The Musculoskeletal System in one of them. I’m really excited about that section. I’m still relearning Spanish.

I suppose the most important part of it all is that however slow at it I am right now, I’m gaining and regaining knowledge in diverse subject matter and that’s enlightening.

images - education


It’s been a fairly active last couple of weeks. Active for me as I still don’t get out on any kind of daily basis and doing so even a couple of times a week wipes me out. I try to get out as much as I can in order to increase my ability to do so. I do have an appointment with my pulmonary sleep specialist next month to consider changing my sleep disorders medication. I do still use that one. My newer dream machine is helping for the apnea’s again but not in a way that lets me wake up feeling awake and refreshed. They always told me that the machine should provide that. I can see how it’s suppose to as if it assists us to breathe at night then a better quality of sleep should be restored which would mean not as tired. Makes sense. I just don’t feel refreshed in any way. I take the Nuvigil. Actually the generic Armodafinil since it’s now available in that form. The older medication Adderall is what I’m hoping he’ll switch me to even if only for a trial period to test for positive or negative reactions. Nuvigil vs Adderall, The only draw back for me might be an inability to sleep instead because it’s stimulant properties are different from Nuvigil. Nuvigil I can fall asleep on no problem. In other words it doesn’t make me unable to sleep at night. It’s a stimulant but not an amphetamine.  It’s fairly short acting and there isn’t any withdrawal when not having it. 2 months ago I was out of it for an entire month and dozed or slept more than anything else.

I’m still working through all the extra issues that complied on me. Fixing each of them the best that I can. If I have no energy and I’m dragging or just want to sleep it’s harder to do my stretches and routines and if I don’t do those my physical self would continue to deteriorate and I can’t let that happen. Right now my limbs are usable, weak, but stable. I have built up a lot of muscle and returned atrophic areas into less waste yet I can’t seem to lose any actual weight which has to happen in order for me to weight bear and increase movement with less effort.

I’m still making more dinners and enjoying doing so, but I prep it earlier in the day in order to cook it when it’s time. In a way it seems like that’s more work when I could just do it all at the same time. It could be too that doing it that way makes me feel like I’m accomplishing more while also minimizing exerting myself all at once.

I colored my hair a week or so ago. I had so much old mixed blondes in it, the natural dark, and yes silver too (getting old ya know) that I put a dark purple on it to make it all closer to one color again. I want to refrost blonde back into it but I don’t even have the energy for that. I know my husband will help me pull the strands through the cap but my energy level is low for that too. I use to keep it all blonde, I dislike my natural very dark hair, but it’s a lot of up keep, so I just pull the streaks through it and leave the rest dark for a couple of years at a time. My mom had 2 frosting kits and sent me home with one of them.

I wanted to find local work but instead I’m reviewing vocational training so that I can attempt to do something else with my life. My memory issues are bothersome and my ability to retain knowledge is slow. In order to do VR I’d have to rely on my husband to get me to and from. I don’t think I could make it/walk it yet to the bus stop each time without having to sit on someone’s lawn or the sidewalk. I’m still working on my own ability to drive again. At one point I was referred to assistive transportation for people with disabilities but I didn’t have the guts to pursue that option even though it’s suppose to help us be more independent. There’s people out in the world that need those services more than I.

I already started laundry, need to replace bedding today, get outside, do some reading, work on my goals but I don’t think any kind of dinner is getting done today. Not unless the sunshine boosts my energy or inspires me to do so. 🙂

I already want to take a nap tomorrow