New Injuries After CRPS

Tonight begins the 3rd day since I re injured my right foot. Any number of reasons could have been the cause. For one, I’ve been somewhat overdoing myself in healing, progress and maintaining pain levels. I refused to miss doing my stretches, or routine, even when I caused myself pain unrelated to any illness or injury. Pain that was a result of not moving or using muscles and bones for too many years. A good pain even if it hurt because no matter it was progress forward. I’ve re injured myself several times over the years and always with the same result in flareups and associated issues. Until the Gohl Program.

Another reason could have been that I’m so tired I was just absent minded to make the step I intended to, another could be I had just gotten off the slider not long before and my back was sore and my knees wobbly. That’s why I left it down in the first place. I wasn’t finished using it. I’m still fairly weak and don’t do big sets at once. I learned my lesson already. Mostly. I mis judged stepping over the bottom metal leg of the machine as I moved toward the doorway and as a result stepped entirely on it with all my weight, left hand grabbing the dresser to keep me from falling, and my foot was still on it. My entire right side was heavy on it.

While both the bottom and top is bruised it’s the bottom that’s worse. When I weight bear the knot on the bottom presses into the ground and the rest of the knot in the center pushes upward through to the top. (insert potty mouth words) but I’m still walking on it.

Normally people with RSD or CRPS wouldn’t use ice. I did. I’m getting rid of my worries and hurts and I can’t let using an ice pack be one of them. Not at this point. I didn’t have any adverse reactions. I did put a dry wash cloth between it and my skin. Voila! No problem.

Bending my toes isn’t happening right now. I’ve manually bent them. You know like how the 5 little piggies went to the market. Anyway, I’m not kidding.

I sometimes miss that quarter beat. In other words, I’ve never been a whole note. Ha!

Of course it’s something that’s a total bummer. Especially after having worked so hard these last 6 months.

It’s going to be most interesting to find out how long it takes to recover and be standing on my toes again.

As it heals from where it is now, I’ll keep working with my upper body and spine. Once the bruising and swelling comes down I’ll know better how much of a setback it may have caused. I do have a soft back support brace on now and it’s only so that my spine doesn’t shift as I’m unable to walk right. I’m minimizing anything that can get in my way of continued healing and anything that can cause the injury to want to get out of line.

I’ve come way too far and fairly fast after 16 years to fall behind now. I can’t stop, I’m obsessed, or maybe possessed. Both?

I helped my husband carry in bags from the car today when he asked for my help. That could go 2 ways. Either why would he even have asked knowing I hurt myself or I could be glad I got myself up to do it even so. I could have said no? I’ll stick with being glad.

I’ll re ice again today. Yep, I’m starting over it a way, but I’m not starting all over from last year. That foot has had tendons and ligaments torn off bones, chip fractures, entrapment’s, surgeries, scars, dings and much more. CRPS, Achilles tendinitis, arthritis, osteo, heel spurs, plantar fasciitis, etc and so forth.

Looking forward to learning how fast I can reverse and heal from another new injury to a CRPS extremity using post MLT routines.
I’m keeping a log and photos. I’ll share any delays or progress.

All I need to know now is who has the voodoo doll?

220px-Poupée_vaudou - image source- wikipedia

Understanding My Truth

As I approach my truth from an entirely different perspective, I’ve realized how much I overcame from the beginning. The very beginning. I had always known that I had survived inside my mom even after she lost my afterbirth during her 6th month of pregnancy. This is also known as Placental Abruption. I’ve always known that it was suggested I may be born physically and mentally handicap. I later learned what my dad and grandma had been told by the doctor. I’ve always known that I was lucky to have been born into this world at all. There’s an overwhelming sense of peace in learning what I hadn’t understood before in the “could have been or should have been” aspect of me. I always knew I was different from all the kids or adults I had ever known. I’ve always been quite quirky. My mom had always referred to me as perfect. She would say it to me over and over again as I grew and she would tell others that I was as well. It was a standard no one could live up to. In my 20’s I told her to stop saying that to me. I never had any leeway for mistakes and my personality type while A became mixed with other types and traits. My mom and I were extremely close when I was little and my dad was a hard father. I was always held to expectations I never thought I could reach. Both of them couldn’t have raised me any better. I love them for that. I was born seemingly fine, outside of any hard defects and was full term. I was a forceps delivery. I understand now why she told me how perfect I was. I would tell my “different” baby that too. I knew I was born with arthritis and ailments of the neck/spine, but I really didn’t know myself different in that aspect because being born a certain way becomes you. I’ve always had hearing loss, but again because I’ve never been able to hear any other way, I don’t know it to be unusual. My tone of voice as well as the tones I hear are unique. The only time I can tell my hearing is off a little is dependent on frequency and vibrations around me. Sometimes I get louder when sounds are louder. My own voice becomes distorted in my ears by pitch around me. Second grade or about 6 years old is when we learned about my hearing loss. Before that while in the first grade and at another school, I can still vividly remember having to go to speech therapy because I didn’t talk right, or pronounce words correctly. I was a little slow. In that I mean that I was delayed in some learning abilities yet I was also extremely bright at the same time. I was wearing glasses in my second grade photos. I woke up one day in that same year and never needed them again until prescribed for the second time when I was in my early 30’s. I was reading well by the time I was 5 and writing poetry and stories by 7. My ability to walk when I first began was a bit off. I didn’t know that until I listened to my mom tell Dr. Ed Glaser of Sole Supports and the Gohl Program while in Tennessee a few months back. I can still remember my pediatrician always messing with my legs even when my sister didn’t get her legs tested? at our checkups. I’ve always been drained of energy. I’ve always slept too much. My normalcy wasn’t consistent, but neither was my little impairments. Tiny jerks, dozing, sudden lapses, momentary confusion, knowing to go left, or being directed to, and starting to go right. Breathing has always been a problem for me. Not because of any direct lung issues but because of forgetting that I’m suppose to.

This past week I had another Pulmonary Function test. I was asked if I was born premature, I said no. The question was asked in regards to Central Sleep Apnea and the high amount of central events that my last sleep studies revealed from 2012 and 2013. 51 in an hour. The events aren’t recorded as an episode unless one doesn’t breathe for either 6 or 10 seconds at a time, I can’t recall at the moment which for certain. I had 28 Obstructive events in the same hour. I was placed on an Auto Servo Ventilator by RESMED/Philips. The exact model is here.  I quit using my breathing machine some time ago, after my decline in pain management.

I’ve had the aches and pains all my life, but I couldn’t show it. I learned to disassociate myself with anything disabled because I was able. So I held it.

It’s been quite a journey and all I know for certain is that I am product of fetal brain damage, I haven’t been able to breathe since inside my mother and I doze/dream/sleep/awaken different than most.

My mom didn’t do anything wrong in her pregnancy in regards to each reason that can cause CP. There are only 2 that would apply to her as a cause. 1. Multiple pregnancies (carrying more than one baby) and 2. Injury (as in a car accident, etc).


In a recent Facebook post I said

Twinkle VanFleet

“I never believed that disabled children (as you will) should be treated and raised disabled. I believed that they should be nurtured and supported to thrive, loved. I believed that they didn’t need the world on them to judge them. I believed from somewhere deep down inside that “and I posted this to my own son when he was diagnosed finally with a birth defect” I said “Go on as if you never knew you had it”. As I get closer to my truth, I understand why I have those beliefs in me. And I’m okay that.

You’re baby can’t crawl? Don’t put the toy closer, make her/him reach for it. I promise you, most babies will. You’re teenager need a wheelchair, don’t! As a parent you want to ease them, you’ll also cripple them further. You’re kids can’t play sports? Yes they can. It doesn’t matter how slow they are, might be, could be,, it matters that they are playing with everyone else.

I’m not talking about the babies that had to have the wheels in the first place. Had to. Feeding tubes, hard physical/mental. I’m talking about everyone who becomes disabled as a result of not just the illness but the parents who bring them up that way. I was blessed. So blessed that mine didn’t. And I never knew. I didn’t want to know, as it lingered inside me, but you know what? I came up from places no kids will never be. Most babies born like that, or I was, haven’t ever reached my potential. Lauren Wood you were a hard daddy, who loved, but didn’t ever let me be anything other than what you believed me to be, Melody Wood Tresca you are a loving mama, the both of you did right by me. I love you for that.”


I never could see/feel things that most others did. Ethnicity, lifestyles, people, color, differences, etc. I didn’t know if that was natures blessing on me, compassion, or…

One of my friends said to me not long ago, she was telling me about her husband and physical changes, hair. I’ve known them for a long time, I’ve met them in person, and have seen them live. I never realized that he was experiencing what she was describing. I never saw that even though it was right in front of me. To be honest, I had to go pull a recent video to see.

I’ve always loved learning, I can’t get enough. I’ve always loved teaching and passing on what I learn. The last 6 months have been healing on so many levels. I started to want to force people to dislike me because I never really felt accepted right, wrong, or indifferent. There always had to be something I had done wrong even when all I knew was that I hadn’t.

I don’t think it would have made a difference that the world knew my brain is faulty. The problem wasn’t with me it was with humanity, judgement and perception.

Life, love, liberty, lessons,
Faith, trust, intense, impressions,
Hope, laughter, healing, rain,
Cleansing, blessings, clearing pain.
©2017 Twinkle VanFleet

“The placenta nourishes a growing fetus. If it is compromised, such as in placental abruption, the unborn baby may be deprived of oxygen. This can cause stillbirths, premature births, or future growth problems. Oxygen deprivation can also cause brain damage, including cerebral palsy.

When a baby’s brain is deprived of oxygen during pregnancy or birth, parts of the brain may begin to die. This sort of brain damage can result in developmental problems, motor skill issues, and other symptoms of cerebral palsy later in life.” http://cpfamilynetwork.org/placental-abruption/

To be continued

PDF- https://www.gstatic.com/healthricherkp/pdf/cerebral_palsy.pdf

Cerebral Palsy Guide https://www.cerebralpalsyguide.com/cerebral-palsy/

What is Cerebral Palsy https://www.ninds.nih.gov/Disorders/Patient-Caregiver-Education/Hope-Through-Research/Cerebral-Palsy-Hope-Through-Research

Definition of Cerebral Palsy http://www.cerebralpalsy.org/about-cerebral-palsy/definition

Fetal Asphyxia https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/9683410

Review – Gohl Program | Part 4

Review – Gohl Program | Part 4

believe

It’s not yet been 6 months since first attending the Gohl Program healing retreat. Let me begin by saying that your journey is yours in pain; my journey is now mine from pain. Nearly all of us share, raise awareness, learn, teach and offer support to others. Many belong to or own groups, websites, blogs, are a not for profit or are a part of nonprofit organizations or businesses doing the same. My main goal is sharing my progress and healing after receiving Manual Ligament Therapy to proffer hope where hope had no longer existed for me. To share this option for chronic pain relief, testimonials, webinars, case studies, until people believe impossibles are possible. While everything I’m doing now may not be directly related to the Gohl Program it is because of it. An example would be the use of fresh herbs for their medicinal properties instead of the use of Over the Counter medications. The Gohl Program didn’t tell me to go home and do these things. I chose to continue the holistic course I had already begun as part of my overall healing experience.

On February 26, I shared to Facebook:

February 26 •
#MLT #Fact = In what became 4 months (2 days ago) since my first treatment session at the Gohl Program Arik Gohl, I’ve been able to:
1. Move my toes
2. Bend over to touch my toes
3. Raise my legs
4. Walk without assistance, or needing to stop a few steps later.
5. Walk to the store (A couple of blocks, each way)
6. Dance
7. Sleep better
8. Re quit Gabapentin and Cymbalta
9. Squat
10. Adjust my spine to better alignment when sitting, laying down and standing.
11. My Spinal Cord Stimulator has been off since hours before my first session on October 24, 2016.
12. Did I mention dance?
13. Regain strength in my upper right extremities. Raise my arm, move my shoulder.
14. Since my last treatment in January of 2017, I’ve been able to regain better use of my right hand and fingers.
15. Belly flares (Diverticulitis, Gastritis, Kidney, Liver, etc, general inflammation and associated pain) has been reduced in the duration of time and discomfort associated with those diagnosis’ and symptoms prior to treatments.
16. I skated with my Grandson for the first time in his 11 years of life on February 18, 2017.
17. I’m not prescribed opioid pain relievers (nor have I had any since February of 2016)
18. Mr. Arik Gohl, Mr. Warren Gohl, Dr. Edward Glaser, Dr. Veronica Lizarraga, Ms. Monica Depriest, the Gohl Program and MLT literally saved my life.
19. I’m living 16 years later without pain being a constant physical and emotional reminder of what I couldn’t do, shouldn’t do or would never do.
20. I’ll never quit again.
~Twinkle V.

On March 4th:

March 4 at 12:57am •
After a fairly intense moment with the dad Mr. Warren Gohl, Arik Gohl’s father, who I’ve been blessed by, I left my emotional garbage in a rock filled parking lot in Tennessee. I left the beginning, I left iPain, I left my Facebook deactivation and the reasons why, I left advocacy and awareness for which it was, I left the medical mistakes, I left the pain I caused my children, I left thinking I wasn’t a good wife anymore, I left the hurt of believing I would never be anything more than I was and that I wouldn’t go any farther than I had. I left the gossip and the whispers. I left caring too much. I left being a pain person. I left the end of it all and a new beginning was born. Because of that my path was paved in a new direction, and if I worked for it, I could be free of all that it had been and find peace in a forever where pain wasn’t my captor anymore, but instead a reminder that if I hadn’t endured all that I had physically and mentally, I’d never be right here, right now.
There’s no other place I’d rather be.
Can’t never could do anything anyway.

On April 3rd:
April 3 at 7:50pm •
There has only been 4 years scattered among the last 17 that I haven’t had major surgery, procedures, or blocks. There’s been several times over the last few years that I was cut cold turkey off of medications and went through hard withdrawal. No opioid withdrawal, just an increase in pain as a result. I’ve had other major surgeries prior to #CRPS, one of which kept me out of work for 3 months. I never filed for State Disability. I went back to work as soon as I was cleared to. After #CRPS I still fought by butt off to beat it enough to manage and the secondaries began and my entire being was overcome with all of it. Finally dropping out of the healthcare system was the best thing I ever did. No one asked me to, no one told me to. The stress itself of waiting on authorizations, scheduling, how to get to an appointment, who to rely on, all interfered with more than they helped my ability to cope. And I know many of you go through the same thing. We dwell on the unknown and that in turn raises physical pain. Physical pain then instigates stress and emotions and you can’t ever get out of it. Until you understand that you can.
No one wants to believe in anything other than surgeries that rarely heal us. Especially if we can’t do the followup care for ourselves for them to be successful. Few want to believe in anything other than pain medications and I know if it’s all you have, it’s all you have to survive and I understand that more than you may realize. People lose themselves to pain. You all have one way or the other. Few are taught basic techniques for self care, and healing,
I talk about stretching and people freak out. I talk about the decrease in my own pain and people think I couldn’t have ever been as they are. I talk about progress, everyone wants to know how, but then can’t believe in it. Not even as an option to share.
If you can suspend your disbelief long enough you might get at least part of it in the overall meaning of what we’re all capable of doing for ourselves or with the assistance of a caregiver until we can. When you have an open mind, you learn. Closed minds leave us right where we are in any circumstance.
I was heading for reconstructive spinal surgery. I was already scheduled for banding ligation, and I cancelled my last cervical spine injection.
I chose to go off the last 2 medications I had only restarted the month prior to receiving #MLT. The program didn’t ask me to, or imply that I had to. I quit Gabapentin so that I could feel any changes without something overshadowing it.
I quit Cymbalta so that I could just be me.
How could I do all this?
GohlProgram.com
Since the first post containing the 20 points, I’ve also began using a stationary bike, I worked myself up from light stretching to being able to do another exercise/stretch to strengthen my neck, shoulders, back, stomach, legs, arms and hands. These stretches and techniques were directly taught to me by Mr. Arik Gohl and are not what is taught or expected in traditional physical therapy. Traditional PT is often unrealistic with exercise or stretching prescribed that is beyond an expectation to succeed. Rather, most patients are set up to fail and because of this many never recover.

On the query “Do tendons feel pain”
Answer: Most people feel a general achiness, stiffness, and pain. Symptoms can occur throughout the body. Any soft tissue (muscles, tendons, and ligaments) may be affected.

There are over 900 ligaments in the human body and more than 100 muscles, tendons and ligaments in the foot alone.

If you can imagine then that when our feet are properly aligned and supported solesupports.com and when our feet and body is relieved with Manual Ligament Therapy that chronic pain conditions can be eased, cured, or that remission really is possible even in the most complicated cases.

I said cure didn’t I? Cure the word that’s become taboo when it comes to the supposedly incurable. Trust me, if someone threw around the word cure to me, I probably wouldn’t have believed, but I would have looked into it. If I knew someone that went from 0 to living I’d be watching and listening intently on their progress, setbacks, or healing.

I did that with Ketamine. I seen results and so I wanted to for myself. I just never had that opportunity. Now I’m glad that I didn’t. 1. I would have had another chemical in my body. 2. I may have come to rely on it. 3. Its hard having relief of any kind and having it either taken away or become unavailable again. With the Gohl Program there isn’t any taking away because it’s up to you whether you do or don’t after the treatments.

I imagine that I’m in a time where healthcare as we know it now doesn’t exist. I imagine what I would do for myself to live through colds; flu’s, promote healing in injuries, acute or chronic pain and I remember that it wasn’t even so long ago that my own pediatrician who was also my children’s pediatrician always suggested Ginger ale when we were sick. Something I rarely or if at all hear of anymore. Ginger, or ginger ale, relieves colds, flu’s and pain. I use ginger often for its anti inflammatory effects.

I imagine that if I wanted to live through the worse I’d have to find a way by being responsible for myself and my own well being whether it be living off the land, using home remedies, and moving myself even when it hurt that I could survive.

I’ve found that way through the Gohl Program. I hope I can show you the way, too.
Part 1 – https://rsdadvisory.com/2016/10/31/review-gohl-program-part-1/
Part 2 – https://rsdadvisory.com/2016/11/06/review-gohl-program-part-2/
Part 3 – https://rsdadvisory.com/2016/11/08/review-gohl-program-part-3/

Learning and Healing

At this time day after tomorrow I’ll have already changed flights to be on my way to my destination. I’m excited to learn and heal even more. This will be the first time since I was 17 that I’ve flown alone. I’ve been on flights since but never without my husband or children. The last Amtrak I was on derailed outside of Fresno California on the way to Corcoran. Initially that trip would have only been Ozra and I. Husband and Kharisma came at the last minute, Rikki was already in Corcoran with my mom and dad. We only sustained cuts and bruises. I can still remember grabbing for my baby as he tumbled and pushing Kharisma into my husband so he could hold onto her. I was the one injured the most but that was a result of my own actions to be sure the 3 of them would be okay. I never feared pain back then. Perhaps because it was acute pain or injury. I think that was mid 1997. My mom and dad were married in 1998 and this was before that. Ozra and I had taken the train several times from Sacramento to Corcoran. I haven’t been on a train since and within 3 years we’d lose our home and everything we worked for in the prior years to a fire, I’d be injured at work and not give birth to our last child due my own body during physical rehab and the medical mistakes and manipulation that followed.

I’m not afraid to fly. I love flying. ~laughs

Ironically the day I leave California, January 8th (2002) is the anniversary of that loss nearly 12 months after that injury that led to CRPS. Maybe I can finally let it go. Maybe.

I didn’t realize until later what the manipulation was all about and that’s why it’s stayed with me. And that’s why I always believed even when my faith was dangling that I wouldn’t hurt hard forever but I’d have to suffer to get there.

I want to help people feel better and find joy and laughter again. I want to be apart of showing others that there is an option for pain relief in MLT and the Gohl Program and I want to be apart of it in person, not solely online. I don’t want to live online. The internet does give a modicum of life back to people who are otherwise unable to have one. I know because I’ve been one of them. The internet also removes in person interaction and that’s why so many of us become isolated and develop social anxiety disorders. I still can’t drive but there may even be possibility in that again.

I have a lot of work to do to reverse 16 years of physical and emotional deterioration. I also know hard isn’t over yet, but it’s the beginning of living something I really don’t know to feel without pain. I’ve used pain as pain relief, a distraction. Pain diverts pain after all.

Looking forward

learning-priorities-development-image-source-pj-mcclure

Image Source: PJ McClure

 

Blessings

I’ve had a lingering cold going on for a few weeks. Most days not so bad. And then a couple of days ago, wham! Yesterday was so bad. Every ache in my body reminded me of this time last year and I really had to put those thoughts away. I couldn’t let coming off Cymbalta instigate depressive moments and I still wasn’t going to turn back to it just to feel better. I asked my husband if he could stop and get me some Chamomile, Peppermint, lemon and honey on the way back from our daughters. Drank that all day. Coughing, or sudden movement causes a reaction in my right upper side. I kept telling myself it’s just pain, you already know that pain, but I didn’t want to know it, not again, and I started to not be able to handle it. So I asked if they could go get me some therma heat patches. Got that on and went to bed. Each time I moved my back, FML, my arm wouldn’t settle down, moving my neck tore through my shoulder, my fingers were pulsating and going numb before repeating the same sensations over and over. Now what? Took the pillows out from under my head and tried to position my spine enough to relieve all that pressure. Got my arm above my head, left it there, and finally fell asleep.

But then the heat patch activated and I woke up drenched hours later Ha! Slept until after noon time today and haven’t done that but a few times the last 6 months.

Today is still rough, swollen and omg all over, but am managing.

There isn’t anything disheartening in this. Since I’ve been able to maintain my legs enough by stretching and strengthening and other than being sore they’re doing great. I got through a horrible night that last year, too many of them, I couldn’t make it through.

These my friends are blessings.

blessing-clipart-god-s-blessings-clipart-1

The Last 6 Weeks in Review

justlive

It’s been 6 weeks since I completed the Gohl Program. This post will share progress and setbacks since returning from the healing retreat. Hard times dictate choices. A week after returning I lost 3 puppies. 2 of them, I held until they took their last breaths. One of them I held all day. Both of them I gave my own breath to to try to save them. I lost them 12 hours a part, so those 3 days were intense. My son’s car was stolen out of his driveway with important gear in the trunk. It was located abandoned the next day but without the safe.

My mom and dads home burned down.

News 3 Exclusive

Vietnam veteran, wife and granddaughter lose Harris County home in fire
@Ashley_G_WRBL
Published: December 2, 2016, 6:40 pm Updated: December 5, 2016, 9:51 am

Don Tresca Vietnam Vet house Fire (Please share)

https://www.gofundme.com/dbxzr5rw?ssid=835607202&pos=2

My daughter’s liver is still unstable and with little to do for it. She’s been a patient at the Liver Transplant center at Stanford for awhile now and is being sent to their pain management for care.

My husband was cleared for knee surgery though we’re still waiting on scheduling.

In the midst of it all, I’m trying to maintain reductions in pain with physical movement, stretching, and all those things I need to do to recover and strengthen myself further.

Right now, I’m doggie sitting and have been since Monday. Aloha and Gaia came home. They’re Ohana’s brother and sister. They were born on Valentine’s Day, hours after I was admitted to the hospital. They were named from me having just returned from Hawaii a month before. Mahalo and Cupid are no longer with us. Aloha was renamed Legend by his new family and Gaia was renamed Bella. They’ve been together all along and came home as if they never left. They knew their birth place, they knew their den. They were both also reunited with their mother, Oreo. Aloha and Gaia sleep at my head, Ohana sleeps behind my knees, Lilly flower in the crook of my neck and Independence at my feet. Yep full twin bed. Freedom, Amo, and Oreo with my husband.

My CRPS legs and feet are still doing fairly well for what they had become all the years prior and for what they’re becoming. Pain in my arm is much better than before. There really isn’t anything wrong with my arm, directly, it’s referred pain and symptoms from my back, spine. Nerve roots and all that blah blah. I can feel the tug of the curves in my spine and it’s still sort of depressing because I don’t know how to reverse the errors in my own body anymore than I know how to correct the mistakes in healthcare that could have potentially eased it if it had been addressed. The only time my back effects my legs is when those bones shift.

I don’t think most will ever realize the difference in pain levels before and after MLT. That even with these issues the impact of learning what to do for ourselves and how we can decrease additional pain and symptoms simply by a therapy rather than by medication or injections.

After the California International Marathon I was down a few days but that was because I attempted a walk I hadn’t done in 16 years. These few days however wasn’t the week + that activity, events, walking, standing, movement or even stress would have previously caused.

It’s not easy my friends, but it’s getting easier. I don’t have pain medication to turn to for chronic or even an acute situation and I’ve flat out never cheated taking any even when they were in my reach. February will be a year without medication management for pain and related symptoms.

I use sublingual oil and gummies, medicinal, on occasion. I’ve also used Kratom, which has no more risk than opioids when used responsibly.

I still haven’t turned my SCS back on. Not because I didn’t need it a few times but because I’m struggling to not want to need anything. I’m still not using my ASV. I still have no plans on ever being put in a scoliosis brace and I’m still not considering corrective surgery for it.

Wanna live? Don’t rely on others to fulfill it for you.

“Do not ask the stones or the trees how to live, they can not tell you ; they do not have tongues; do not ask the wise man how to live for, if he knows , he will know he cannot tell you; if you would learn how to live , do not ask the question; its answer is not in the question but in the answer, which is not in words; do not ask how to live, but, instead, proceed to do so.”

Page 9  ~Magicians of Gor

Stress’Less

Definitions of stress include the physical pressure, pull, or other force exerted on one thing by another; strain, mental, emotional, or physical strain or tension. In physiology, stress is defined as; a specific response by the body to a stimulus, as fear or pain, that disturbs or interferes with the normal physiological equilibrium of an organism. In medicine: A physical or psychological stimulus that can produce mental tension or physiological reactions that may lead to illness. Stressless is then the opposite of the above, having no stress, without.

Image Credit by Ozra September 24, 2015 Bay Area CA_1.

Image Credit by Ozra

 

Included in my letter of resignation to the International Pain Foundation was that “Stress is my weakness” right now. It had become my weakness since January of 2015. I had come to realize a long time ago that stress increased physical pain and uncontrolled physical pain instigated anxiety highs for me. I had struggled on and off with bouts of depression. Prior to this year diagnosed with mild recurrent major depressive disorder secondary to the injury that led to my CRPS and a psych sequela.  A confirmed diagnosis of PTSD, which I’ve shared a couple of times over the years, but have not discussed much of. My PTSD isn’t a solo diagnosis for a specific event, but rather multi diagnosis’ for multiple unrelated events.

It’s been a hell of a year! It’s also been heaven! Can you imagine? The best and the worse, the worse and the best happening simultaneously over a short period of time? Next month begins a year since that first night I can’t ever erase from my existence. Valentines Day becomes a year to the day, and the 3rd week in April is the second. I’m really only 8 months forward from it all. I really have a way to go in healing.

I think I’m doing pretty darned good for pain having not been addressed until a few weeks before I tried the Gohl Program (October 24th) and the Manual Ligament Therapy performed by Arik Gohl. After transferring my primary care to the Ellison Ambulatory Care Center and choosing the teaching facility so that students could learn from me and I could learn from them, I was sent to a new pain management facility rather quickly. This though only covered my upper body, not my lower. I was now opposite of what I had endured in the many years prior. I had been covered for my bilateral CRPS and SCS, but not for my upper extremities. I had a CT, learned of what had been occurring with my spine, the several new diagnosis’s, started PT, ended PT and I had 2 cervical steroid injections and decided after the program to cancel the 3rd.

Leaving iPain was abrupt and perhaps shitty, deactivating my Facebook account was also abrupt and spontaneous. Heck, declining followup appointments, injections, and mental health care was also on the spot. I know each of the perceptions that can be considered. 1. I’m reckless. 2. I’m Bipolar. 3. I only considered myself. 4. I’m playing games. 5. I’m crazy. 6. Out of character.

Let me help sort these out. 1. I’m not careless of consequences nor am I irresponsible. 2. I wouldn’t care if I was, but I’m not. 3. I considered everyone in those split seconds, including myself. 4. The only games I like to play are slots. 5. I love my crazy as do many others. 6. Perhaps, though it could have been in character all along.

What does that mean? In character all along? Pain, passion, purpose. Compassion, forgiveness, devotion, appreciation, thankfulness, gratitude,and diversity are all strong traits for me as is compliance, submission, and loyalty. Those can sometimes provoke conflict. But then again, I’m a different kind of duck.

As 2013 ended and I couldn’t change what I needed to, I couldn’t make someone else want to live, take care of themselves, after being given new life, or repair someone else’s frontal lobe from damage, or make tumors disappear in another and I couldn’t change the errors of others from a 2012/2013 healthcare related failure for myself, I rose and fell, but got back up each and every time.

Until I couldn’t, until I didn’t want to anymore.

In 2012 I had my Gall Bladder removed after a painful 20 hour wait in the Emergency Department. Acute or Chronic, the wait was painful. When I was taken back, I was scheduled for surgery immediately. I hemorrhaged during both surgeries a year apart.

 

I had never felt judgement in healthcare prior to this second removal. I had never been treated adversely or in any judgmental way. Ever!

A month ago, I would have never considered resigning as Advocacy Director and after being apart of iPain 5 years. On the contrary my only vision was remaining indefinitely.

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” — Dr. Seuss

Fighting for your own life, while already fighting for others, up close and personal others, in addition to advocacy. And not knowing, or understanding, right in the midst of the end, who to choose, what to choose. Me or them. I can still hear the words that slipped from my lips to him that night. I can see it all so vividly and I can hear my own quivering voice say it to him so powerful that..

(Maybe I’ll share the rest of that another time)

But I survived. And then I survived again. And I was pissed! I had to be who someone else wanted me to be.. still. I couldn’t be unwell, not dangling, and make sure that I didn’t disappoint anyone, pretend it never happened because such events are unbecoming of family matters, social knowledge and sometimes even friendships or that online I had to be talked about in whispers and private calls and that would have all been okay as long as the record was correct. All it takes for accuracy is to ask the question. If someone doesn’t wish to answer it still doesn’t mean to create a scenario.

I was negative for all prescribed and illicit drugs, including all those extra’s screened for. I declined pain care by first responders and I declined pain management upon arrival at the hospital.

Consider that I had not been taking pain meds, opioid related, legal or illegal, benzo’s etc, and once injected in the ambulance there would have been no way to prove I had none of these substances in my system. Not even Marijuana. Understand? I don’t regret the 200 ml bottle of Vodka I finished just minutes before those acts of “I’m done!”. Nope!

All I’ve wanted to do is fight. I won’t go looking for confrontation, but if I’m confronted, hands. It’s really not as wrong as it seems. It just means that I protect my space and my ground.

Stress is down. Leveled.

Without, in regards to the internet.

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” — Mark Twain

I always knew why, I just didn’t want to know to what extent.

 


https://rsdadvisory.com/2013/05/18/endoscopic-retrograde-cholangiopancreatography-52113-due-to-gall-bladder-removal-fiasco/

https://rsdadvisory.com/2013/07/17/gall-bladder-fiasco-continued-and-hopefully-the-final-chapter/