Simply Stable

It remains difficult to manage life with so many illnesses. It does! I often refer to myself as “stable”. It’s the best term I have to describe “not suicidal.”

Stable is a good thing! Even when the struggle is heavy. Yes, indeed, its a good thing.

Few people can relate to physical pain so intense that you lose your mind. Most can only relate to their own level of severe and thats perfectly okay. Imagine your severe, and have that severity, rarely ever stop, and see if that wouldn’t put a major dent in your entire existence.

The amount of work I’ve put in the last 18 months surely helped, yet didn’t bring any of it to a halt.

I’ve put in this “work” many times before. It’s all work, everyday, and then there’s extra work. Just trying is work. And then you have to “be able to” in the first place.

Pain hurts! It’s not as simple as many believe it should be. It’s not! All these things people think if we did, we’d be fine, is a form of false hope. It can be detrimental to force onto others “if they only did this” it could be all better. But since they won’t do it, or complain about it they must NOT want to get better. That’s not true! Perhaps there’s a few people out there that might apply to, but seriously not accurate for most of us.

Its a nice way to nudge someone into depression or raise their anxiety by guilt shaming them. After all, if they only tried.

How TF you know if they tried or not, or how much they’ve put in? You really don’t.

No wonder so many people feel badly about themselves. Worthless. Not measuring up. That’s not going to help them heal in any kind of way.

I prefer to love and care for people where they are. At all times. I know too deeply what it feels like to be judged, discarded, and thought lowly of.

It took 6 months again for my shoulder and cervical spine to finally ease down. During that time there were several instances that I thought it was near the end of its course. It wasn’t. The music movement therapy I’d been consistently doing at least 3 days a week, and sometimes 5 became less and less. The last time I completed a 3 day week was in early May with 1 day in last week.

My lumbar spine hasn’t slipped in nearly a year. Thank you, Jesus.

My neck and shoulder hadn’t been this bad since Manual Ligament Therapy nearly 6 years ago.

While that pain is wonderfully decreased currently, and has been for 2 months now, my neck is often swollen. Noticeable and embarrassing at times.

CRPS – I get days where my feet look great! I’ve had extreme edema, and discoloration more times than I could count. 1000s. It’s nearing 22 years since the injuries that caused it. There’s also a half dozen other significant problems in that foot alone. The other foot is better, yet has issues, too. Orthotics help when I can tolerate wearing them. Aligning my spine and posture is a major plus. Unfortunately the times when my feet swell, I can’t put them on, there’s no room to even try to force them and push through it.

There’s been times when swelling moderately existed, but not severely and I did wear them anyway. My feet already feel as if they’re being crushed, so all that does is really crush them. I have to learn to back off.

I have my own psychological hangup caused by others. “I must not be trying hard enough, and I must not want to get better”.

I wake each day full body swollen. My face, beyond puffy. It takes an hour or two every morning to be able to move about without that pain. I start moving myself immediately upon waking. The first walk to the kitchen is the toughest, feels horrible, and seems to take forever. Swelling may decrease throughout the day, even my appearance is better, and then the inflammation happens in my sleep it seems, and I wake to it all again, each and every day.

I’m still using Cat’s Claw.

I just had my soberversary 2 days ago. 3 years and 6 months alcohol free and 5 days ago, 4 months tobacco free.

Neither has made much of a difference in any overall pain related quality of life.

Still happy I stopped them tho.

I’m not doing well, nor am I doing badly. I’m managing.

I’m simply stable.

Binaural Beats for Pain, Stress, Anxiety, and Depression

It can be difficult to manage stress and anxiety with chronic and intractable illnesses.

I’ve been practicing stress reduction for decades now, yet I’ve not mastered it, entirely.

Meditation, deep breathing, shifting focus, distraction, so much more.

I’ve done well to keep myself from any type of mental breakdowns since the major ones that had occurred. It’s a constant challenge to stay on top of my well-being.

My body does react negatively still. Pain syndromes cause pain of course and stress will causes even more. When depression slips in it becomes a total mind and body assault that’s difficult to cope with.

One thing I’ve changed for the better is breathing. That’s been for several years now. It did take some time for that. I always had a tendency to hyperventilate during extreme pain. The first time I experienced that, I was 19 and giving birth to my first baby girl. I was in distress, and my unborn baby was experiencing my stress to the point the doctor attached a fetal monitor to her tiny head while she was still inside me.

Labor hurts! I had her naturally and it was painful. My second daughter who was born 12 months later? Epidural! Part of me wants to laugh at that, and part of me is saddened by it. I was afraid of that pain again. My rainbow baby boy who was born 9 years later, I chose natural again. I could do it! I would do it! He sustained a birth injury, a Pars defect, fairly common I’ve read,, and the cord was wrapped around his neck and body. I’m so glad they didn’t tell me that, I most likely would’ve panicked and caused him further injury.

I’ve shared Binaural Beats here before, many years ago. They can be a helpful tool in managing ourselves. If nothing else there’s calm and peace in listening.

Similar to Lavender or Camomile Epsoms salt soaks. It doesn’t always take pain away but it’s relaxing, soothing, and the aroma therapy from it is calming, too. Therefore worth the soak.

If you’re not familiar with Binaural Beats, I’m including a few links to try them.

Binaural beats

Stress and anxiety
Depression relief

Sutter Health

Stress and anxiety relief

Deep healing
Repairs and heals DNA level
Frequency healing

Binaural beats are essential in body healing: an illness will indirectly be healed using binaural beats. However, from scientific studies, there is a thin line between physical and mental health. The physical body will be naturally stronger and healthier after mental health has been promoted.

Natural Healing Society

My own pain is currently heightened. It’s also raining which causes arthritis to flare up with CRPS. My legs and feet have the deep bone and muscle aches, and burning intensified, yet since taking Cat’s Claw, I’ve only blown up with swelling and discoloration twice in the top of my feet to the point my shoes didn’t fit for a bit each time. That part is amazing. My heels are inflamed. That hurts all by itself. Heel spurs. It’s like walking on broken glass. I haven’t much learned how to relieve that. My orthotics do help some for the Plantar Fasciitis, Tarsal Tunnel, and Achilles Tendonitis. It takes a couple hours upon waking to ease down. By 5:00 p.m. my feet have had enough again. I’m glad I got enough weight off my body to wear them.

I’m hopeful that as I continue to take Cat’s Claw the benefits will increase.

Binaural beats are in my ears right now.

Wishing you all pain eased days and nights.

Cat’s Claw | uña de gato

I previously mentioned Cat’s Claw. This is a starting point which may be of interest to you. In regards to my CRPS and other chronic illnesses, I’ve found that Cat’s Claw offers a wide array of benefits.

Some of the information claims cures, I’ll not claim a cure because it’s offensive to some who’ve been deemed and diagnosed incurable by western medicine. To me, incurable implies the medical system either doesn’t know how to cure an illness, or doesn’t have enough information themselves to do so. In some cases, perhaps they just don’t want to. Medicine has become a business more than anything else anymore.

Many of my own conditions are incurable. I’d like to believe the cures are out there and I just haven’t found it yet.

Something I’ve often wondered is that, for example, if my CRPS became curable, I’d still be left with the several secondary illnesses either acquired from it, or those seemingly unrelated, yet affected by it.

Believe me when I say its become my mission to relieve them all.

Uncaria tomentosa is a woody vine found in the tropical jungles of South and Central America. It is known as cat’s claw or uña de gato in Spanish because of its claw-shaped thorns. The plant root bark is used in herbalism for a variety of ailments, and is sold as a dietary supplement. Wikipedia

Some references state it can begin working in as little as a few days, others about a month. Like most herbs, roots, and supplements, a month is reasonable.

I’ve taken it approximately 10 days. Day time burning related to CRPS has lightened. As of yet, night time hasn’t relieved. I was able to get my shoes with orthotics inserted back on yesterday, after swelling had increased again the last couple of weeks. Edema and discoloration has been a major part of CRPS this entire 21 years of having it. It can be random or caused by weight bearing. There are times its much better than other times. My shoes are on and went on with ease. At this point it may be a coincidence.

My take away from all the research and watching videos on Cat’s Claw is that its potential is incredible.

A compilation from my notes include:

Inflammation, Improves RA, Osteoarthritis, dialates blood vessels, repairs cellular damage, repairs dna, repairs chemo therapy induced DNA damage, repairs RNA, protects neurons, tumors, diuretic, intestinal complaints, heals wounds, may fight cancer, immune system support. It may fight and inhibit growth in leukemia, promotes healthy white blood cells, lowers high blood pressure, improves various neurological symptoms, inhibits blood clot formation, increases circulation, calcium channel blocker, relaxes blood vessels, immune modulator, Decreases inflammation in the brain. May assist HIV and AIDS, combats herpes, improves digestive problems such as crohns disease, diverticulitis, gastritis, colitis, hemorrhoids, leaky gut, stomach ulcers, parasites, muscle and joint relief, colds and flu relief, antioxidant, antiviral, anti mutagenic, fights viral infections.

I’m highly interested in its ability to repair cellular, and DNA damage.

Its antibacterial, antifungal and antiviral effects have proven particularly effective in combating persistent infections such as Lyme disease, Candida, Eppstein-Barr (glandular fever), herpes, bladder infections, hepatitis, prostatitis, gastritis and Crohn’s disease.Apr 23, 2018

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncaria_tomentosa

https://www.rxlist.com/cats_claw/supplements.htm

https://www.drugs.com/npp/cat-s-claw.html

https://www.nccih.nih.gov/health/cats-claw

Side effects
Generally well tolerated and considered non toxic. Possible dizziness, diarrhea, nausea.

I haven’t experienced any side effects. Please keep in mind that I’m not taking any pharmaceuticals. I have no idea how it would interact with any. Talk with your doctor or pharmacist before using this.

Caution
May interact with other medications
and immune modulating drugs.

Do not use if pregnant, or nursing. Do not give to children without doctor supervision. Discontinue 2 weeks prior to surgery.

If you have Lupus, MS, Parkinsons, bleeding disorders, talk to your doctor before using.

The brand that I purchased is by NOW and cost effective at about $15.

YouTube References

Looking forward to sharing more about this in the coming months and any noted relief or benefits with other illnesses including, but not limited to, Diverticulosis/Diverticulitis, Crohn’s, Gastritis, Narcolepsy, and Brain Health.

Always More

Is “always more” negative or just truthful?

It’s a matter of perspective, I suppose. It’s truthful for all of us.

My physical fumble is still in progress and I’m managing that as well as I can.

I’ve mentioned over the years that we didn’t have hot running water for 7 years. On Halloween 2020 it was finally fixed.

The week before Christmas it took a dump again. We didn’t notice there was a problem right away. I had got in the bath and the hot water was colder quickly. We thought that was because the washing machine was in use at the same time using hot water as well. 2 nights later I was trying to soak in heat again. Same thing. Husband had went out back to check it. Ugh! It had been dumping hot water for sometime. It’s been off since, and until we can repair or replace it. Our SMUD bill increased from an average of $140 mo to $400 for 2 consecutive billing cycles. And last week here comes the water bill that averaged $30 this time of year to $250. Well sh*t! It is what it is though.

This isn’t even half of the “always more”.

It is still a blessing to have learned all those other years how to manage living without what most people take for granted.

I’m not even going to mention what else has happened simultaneously because it’ll sound like a cry story and my purpose for sharing this bit is no one really knows what others endure. We rarely do for each other.

We’re all fighting battles on top of battles. For me, getting through them without losing myself is the cornerstone of faith.

My faith is strong and so am I.

Yesterday, Valentine’s Day was the 6th painiversary of that first suicide attempt. I basically spent the day mumbling LaLalalalah, as not to let bad memories slip in and turn it into a depressing day. I made us a nice dinner on Sunday. Yesterday was a work day for husband anyway and so Sunday, like for many, was the day we acknowledged Valentine’s.

I stared taking Cat’s Claw a week or so ago. Devil’s Claw, I’ve used several times and it is helpful for pain conditions. Una de Gato has great benefits too. In some aspects, more. I’ll write more about my experiences with it and it’s benefits soon.

I’m not currently getting in much of my music movement therapy. Hopefully more again soon. I’ve maintained my weight loss yet haven’t lost much more. I’m still at about the 40 pound loss.

I hadn’t worn pants since mid December. The pants I finally got back into a few months ago I dreaded putting back on. I was worried they wouldn’t fit again because my fitness time decreased. I tried them on Saturday. They’re fine, and even a bit looser.

Later next month will be a year since I began the low carbs. Minus 40 in a year is still good. I know some people who’ve lost 100 in a year. Amazing!

I’m up to 631 consecutive days of learning Spanish via Duolingo app. A couple of months ago I started with The Language Tutor via YouTube, and I’m re watching La Reina del Sur in Spanish. I finished the novela months back, but decided to watch it again.

In 3 days, I’ll be 3 years and a month alcohol free even through the storms that just keep coming. I’ve proven to myself I don’t need it to get through CRPS or the roller coasters of life but it’s really hard on the days my physical self hurts too greatly and there’s little I can do but wait it out.

Still facing it and still making.

Mas fuerte que el dolor

3 years alcohol free

It’s taken nearly 3 months for my shoulder to heal again. This situation had begun about a week prior to my blog post Ball Therapy in November.

I continued on with my music movement therapy the best that I could. I had to remove the weights from my routine for the most part. I did try to resume twice. A mistake both times, yet no one can say I didn’t try, try, try again. I did! I should have waited. I tried walking in place, holding them too and finally didn’t attempt to lift them above my head until recently.

I didn’t consider this a flare really. An acute re injury or slippage of spinal disc and irritated nerves is probably more accurate.

Sleeping, laying down wasn’t pleasant. I had to rest propped up regularly for weeks in order to rest at all. I couldn’t lay on my back, or my arms for more than seconds. My neck was heavy. I used a back, neck, and shoulder support posture harness for nearly 2 months. Removing it to bathe or dress caused my wedgie to intensify with that tearing sensation. I call it a wedgie, I suppose to replace the word, pain.

I resumed lifting my 2 lb weights 3 days ago on my 3 year soberversary. I’m hoping it’s okay to do so now and it’ll be fine. The other symptoms are still occurring. The buzzing, numbness, pulsating, shock like sensations haven’t subsided. As long as the tearing and ripping pain doesn’t accompany it, I can deal with it.

I broke 2 plates from not having enough strength in my hand to support the weight of a coffee cup while washing dishes.

I’m proud that I don’t consider alcohol an option anymore, but I haven’t fully overcome the reason why I had. Medically untreated pain and various illnesses.

Achieved my 3 years, January 18th.

I spent a beautiful sleepover at my sons with his wife and my grandson’s 10 days prior. They live about an hour from us.

I’m still about 40 lbs down from 10 months ago. At a weight loss halt currently yet maintaining.

Stronger Than Pain – January 8, 2022

I wore this shirt, which had belonged to my son from the Ignition Student Conference years ago. He was a teen still. It’s a size medium.

I wouldn’t purchase mediums yet. Sticking with large for now. Earlier last year, I was wearing X Lg. This shirt was in my closet and so I was inclined to try it. Woot!

I still have 20 to lose.

My lower extremity CRPS is better some days but not each day at all. Some days it feels like losing the weight hasn’t made any difference, yet I also know it’s had to. The benefits are there even if I don’t feel it on a regular basis.

I’m looking forward to springtime and doing my kiddie pool water PT. I find calm in nature and sunshine and weightless movement isn’t stressful. I started my music movement therapy so that I could avoid or minimize winter rumbles. Flare-ups.

The element of stress is there especially when I have to push myself extra to get through doing the exercises. I try to make it fun with music so that the stress isn’t heightened with it and I can feel good wanting to.

I’m not planning to stop the movement or fitness routines, I’m hoping to do both.

Next week will be 21 years since I sustained the injuries that led to RSDCRPS type 2. I was 32. I’ll be 54 later this year. Cray.

Happy Friday!

Gohl Method

I’ve referred to MLT dozens of times over the years. MLT is Manual Ligament Therapy.

The therapies and protocols are what I’ve used to maintain my comorbidities.

Now that video demonstrations are available it’s easier for me to recall some of what I learned, yet had also forgotten. What I mean by forgotten is the specifics to certain movements and stretches.

Spinal pain had been creeping up. I’ve been using an inflatable traction device since yesterday. Since having MLT years ago, I’ve only had a few instances of this. When I attended it was at its worse and it had been ongoing for more than a year.

I had been sent to the physical therapy center for traction of my spine and a few other treatments including heat and manipulation. I underwent cervical injections. The second one I had was the day before the Gohl Method/program healing retreat. (Oct 2016)

In fact, I spent my 48th birthday there. The spinal problems had caused cervical radiculopathy. Part of my right hand, fingers, wrist and forearm are partially numb. The treatment restored loss 9f feeling in my third finger. Its the finger I type and text with. I canceled the 3rd injection.

I was seriously scattered yesterday. Too much pain distorts my thought process. I kept changing my mind all day.

I couldn’t concentrate. I watched and rewatched 2 Spanish lessons, and couldn’t retain a single thing.

Background noise was terrorizing me. Hypersensitivity to sound. My anxiety kept rising.

I wanted to reach a 5 day exercise goal. Then wasn’t going to do it. I thought I had other weeks ahead to accomplish that.

I replaced that with Anterior Body Stretch. I could visually focus as I mirrored the video. That helped me complete it.

My mind kept nagging me, I’m not even kidding, to not miss my music movement therapy and achieve 5 out of 5 days that my fit bit would log as actual exercise not only active minutes.

I rewatched all of the Gohl Method presentations and demonstrations.

The little inspirations fit bit give you. You’re a pro! Ha! 10 minutes is hardly that, but hey,  at least it sounds supportive. It would be the first time reaching a 5/5 goal. I did!

Today, so far, stress is lessened. There’s no worry to miss song movement today. I just had to reach that goal!

I’ll repeat anterior stretch, and take it easy.

I really like Abdominal Self Massage, and have been doing this one for years. Not to the full extent of the video though. I use my therapy balls more than my hands, I’ve been doing it hands-on for 2 weeks.

I mentioned in a previous blog I wasn’t taking on anything in 2021 other than increased weights. These therapies don’t count as they are already in progress and therefore will simply continue.

The only thing I can think of that caused or contributed to this flare, or re injury is banging my knee 2 weeks ago tomorrow. It’s still bruised and swollen. It looks like I fell and I didn’t. I dinged it in the doorway coming out of the bathroom. My dog was weaving between my legs, and smack!

That hurt like a bish, but then I didn’t think any more of it. I just thought I was sore and tender because CRPS does that anyway. I hadn’t even noticed the depth of bruising and swelling until the 4th day, when I was getting ready to go with my auntie to Thanksgiving eve prayer service.

It occurred to me some before and more so after rewatching these videos that maybe I threw my posture off and as a result my spine as well, which led to my current state.

I’m really not certain. Random flares occur often enough.

It makes sense to me. I’ve been attempting to repair my poor posture over these last several years, too. I’ve fairly well fixed my breathing issues, which is fast slow, even in my sleep and documented in sleep study reports. I don’t panic breathe, anymore. I’ve avoided hyperventilation.

I pray these methods help others as much as they’ve helped me. I have faith they’ll help even more into the future.

For more information-

https://gohlmethod.com/

Feliz viernes

Ball Therapy

In my previous post I mentioned shoulder pain. I wanted to share what relieved me of much of it last evening.

My chronic illness tool box is full of little helpers such as this.

When I underwent Manual Ligament Therapy 5 years ago, I had learned to utilize a tennis ball on my belly, and painful areas.

Later, I also started using a dog toy. It’s a ball on a rope with a tug handle.

There were times I had difficulty raising my arms to place my ball behind me and this idea came spontaneously.

My husband brought our dogs home some toys. I looked at one of the items, and thought immediately, I need that. Lo siento perro, that’s mine!

I stole the dogs new toy!

This has been a go to for me all along.

I can stand against a wall and toss it over my shoulder for self massage in those raw areas. I also use it laying down, as I did last night, and do it this way more often.

I laid as flat as able on my futon, tossed ball behind me, over my right shoulder, and rested on it. The strap/handle sets on the front of my shoulder/upper chest allowing me to control placement. I don’t have to get up, only lean up a little to reposition.

I can feel the ptessure in the raw painful knots. I had turned my head slightly to the left, I wanted to see the TV. I had Spanish lessons on YouTube at the time. Distraction.

When I turned my head that area in my shoulder was a sharp pull. I would roll the ball into my back in tiny motions while laying on it and I intended to increase pressure. The area hurting the worse was specific at the edges of my blade. When this happens, it also becomes painful to lift my head, and the pull and tearing sensation in my neck can be intense.

Tissue, fascia began loosening, maybe a tight muscle, or combination.

Earlier yesterday when I completed my 3 songs of music movement therapy I didn’t use my weights. It was more important to me to achieve my physical exercise than stress over the weights. Plus, I still used my arms in movement the entire 14 minutes.

I think I mentioned some time ago that I’ve also used a rolling pin on my legs for CRPS, Arthritis and Fibro. It helps sore flesh and muscles for me. It relieves some of that visceral all over bruising feeling.

I do have to push through the allodynia and hyperalgesia at times.

The item/tool, touching, hyper sensitivity isn’t pleasant either but nothing hurts more than those pains building to a flare I can’t get myself out of and which leads to major depression as a result.

Again, I have no medications, treatments, or medical/pain care.

I share these tools so that others might be able to ease and relieve themselves, especially those who either choose to live naturally or were, like myself, fired and abandoned by their pain managers.

My greatest goal in all of this is to keep myself, and hopefully others, from becoming suicidal due to pain.

I’ve been there too many times already.

I wish you all pain eased days and nights.

CRPS and Self-Healing

I’ve mentioned doing low carbs and incorporating physical movement into my daily routine.

I had gone 12 consecutive days with an average of 14 minutes of continuous weight bearing activity. My fit bit actually recorded some of these days as aerobic workouts in addition to active minutes. In order to reach “active minutes” I need to move for 10 non stop minutes.

I recieved my fit bit October 26th, and have 23 days of 10 or more active minutes. 2 of the days didnt record. I only accomplished 2 songs on those days. 6 minutes.

I missed 3 straight days this week, resumed the day before yesterday with 23 minutes, and missed yesterday.

I’m in a flare.

I banged my knee a week ago, and that’s still bruised and swollen. Seems to have set off extra nerve pain. This is the same knee that turns inward when I practice lunges. I had finally gotten to 11 each of those.

I’m a bundle of pain currently. My right shoulder and blade is throwing a fit, and the burning throughout that side isn’t only physically exhausting it’s mentally burdensome.

I considered stress as the culprit too, and at least a contributer and so I started recalling the week. I had a good week! I was excited to cook and began pacing myself in the days prior to accomplish that.

I went to prayer service with my Auntie on Thanksgiving eve. I’ve never been to her Church before. I’m dedicated to mine, yet I know Jesus wouldn’t mind, in fact, he’d be thrilled for me to be with family, too. Even our ancestors would be overjoyed.

If stress caused heightened pain, swelling, and bruising, I’m not sure where the trigger was, or is. I’m sure that stress can reside in the background. There’s no way to avoid it, only manage through it.

I know that my music movement therapy is benefitting me along with stretching and being mindful of stressors that impact any type of chronic pain and illnesses.

I only started this type of movement therapy with music 3 months ago. It was all weightless water therapy previously.

I’ve taken it to a brand-new level. I’m sure my body is thanking me while being a bit angry too. It’s use to what its use too and we’re changing that.

I read a great book a couple of weeks ago and I’ll share more about it soon.

Stop Chasing Symptoms
A unique approach to the causes and treatment of chronic pain

https://youtu.be/xARyDIGh_WE

I’m of like mind with the author, who’s also my Manual Ligament Therapy therapist, Arik Gohl. He’s been amazing support for me since I first met him in October of 2016.

His book also walks the reader through video demonstrations in addition to the written word.

It’s been a journey of self healing for 5 years now and if it takes another 5 years that’s ok.

(I started writing this before Church this morning, and in the interim completed 3 songs equaling 14 minutes)

Okay, okay, perhaps the stressor was the extra Thanksgiving stuffing with gravy. 😆

Happy Sunday!

Everything in Moderation

Quote by Oscar Wilde: “Everything in moderation, including moderation.”

It’s good to avoid extremes?!

This quote has been playing on my mind.

I’ve been consuming low carbohydrates since March. I’ve reached my initial goal of losing 35 pounds just last week.

I began Music Movement Therapy in August. I think I’ve previously mentioned that. I needed something to transition to from my Summertime water therapy. I had some worry on me because while I spend as much time as able in my kiddie pool each year during warm and hot weather, the colder months seemed to leave me stranded without that. I would lose much of my benefit that water stretch and movement offered.

I have a stationary bike a few feet away from me, and it sounds odd that I can’t pedal on it without so much discomfort that wanting to try again is actually stressful for me. I can’t seem to go longer than a minute, two at best.

My Music Movement Therapy has at least given me a sprinkle of motivation. I love to dance! And while I wouldn’t consider this dancing, some would. I started with my son’s song California Dreamin’.

I’m up to 3 songs now. A combined 14 minutes. I’m using 2 lb dumbbells and I’m on my feet the entire time. Forward steps, backward steps, side steps, walking in place, lunges. I can’t hold a lunge yet. The weights help me achieve what I’m doing though. When weights are above my head my knee is bent forward, weights come down its back leg stretch. I may not be explaining myself correctly. Hmm. Anyhow, quick forward, quick back. I’ve tried without the weights, but I’m weaker on my feet/legs that way, and stumble, mis step at times.

“Everything in moderation, including moderation.”

I’m not sure if I’m trying too much too soon. I do think that my eagerness to do so is in a positive light. It’s now or never. It’s said that it takes 3 weeks to make or break a habit. I’ve made a good habit to do my songs each day minus only a handful of times I wasn’t able to. Physical strain. I try to avoid the word pain anymore.

No pain, no gain? Use it, or lose it? Such a fine line at times. M o d e r a t i o n.

It’s only been a few months. At this point, I’m not disappointed in myself.

My kiddos gifted me a Fit Bit for my birthday last month. I adore it. My daily steps seem good. It does record other movements as steps and so I’m not entirely certain of actual steps accuracy.

I set it to lose 25 more pounds. 23 to go. If I get that off it would be a total of 60.

If…

I’m 53 now. I can barely believe it! This January will be 21 years since the injuries that led to CRPS occurred.

I feel like this is my last chance.

I’m keeping stressors and triggers at a distance. It’s taken me years now to get to this point. Especially in regard to secondary major depression and anxiety disorders.

If I don’t keep these stable none of this will make a difference.

October

I love Springtime! The weather begins to warm and my water therapy begins. Each of my 3 children are born in March. I always look forward to that time of the year.

October is my favorite color. Beautiful shades of earth. I adore autumn as everything starts to fall away in order to begin again.

It’s cleansing.

It’s also my birth month and not too cold as of yet. It smells refreshing to me.

It’s also time to ride. 🧹

I enjoy the sharing of seasonal memes as a distraction to carry me through the winter, especially the funny ones.

Spanish lessons continue at 504 consecutive days of learning.

I’ve watched several Mexican novelas already. (English subtitles)

I’m fairly sure I’ve mentioned that our Grandson’s Ezekiel and Greyson are bilingual as their first words form.

A few weeks ago I was worried about Summer ending and water PT being over until Spring again.

That’s when I began transitioning to indoor therapy.

I keep telling myself it’ll be worth it. I’ve been here before with this mindset, positive, and I wasn’t able to maintain what I worked so hard for due to a combination of the intractable pain and repetitive injuries.

CRPS, symptoms, and that visceral bone pain is always heightened in the wet, rainy, and colder months.

So far I’m doing as well as I can be with the music movement therapy and with orthotics on while doing so.

I’m praying that I avoid any major flares and continue into the upcoming months without gaps in my routine.

A part of me is so very tired and worn from all the try, try again. A piece of me says this will be the last time. My heart says, yes you will, you always try again.

Feliz martes para ti

~Dodinsky