Its hard to even describe anymore all that it is physically.
I spent the Saturday before Christmas with my son Ozra, daughter in law, Samantha, and 2 of my grandson’s.
It was our Christmas time together.
Originally, I was just going to go, as is. I decided to dress in Christmas colors and present decently.
There’s no affects or filters on this. The sun coming through the window behind me and my table top tree captured a natural moment.
The smile is real as my son was about to pick me up so that I could be with my Grands.
I’m often quite sloppy. I live in pajamas or sweats. Physically it’s a chore. Constant exertion from painful weight bearing.
Sadly, if I dressed each day, dinner and actual chores wouldn’t get done and often times it’s an achievement to have dinner ready at all, dishes done, dogs fed, and the toilet swooshed.
Some might call that lazy, if it was laziness I’d have an opportunity to change that. I don’t know how to change this.
My grandson Ezekiel is their first son, and my grandson De’Mantai (‘Tai) is my daughter Kharisma’s oldest son.
There was goodness in that day.
And then I went low (depression) and that became heightened by other worries.
When the agony hits the mind becomes frail, too.
I didn’t reveal this as it was occurring.
I thought that while we should be able to reach out to one another, and at times I wanted to, some become bothered by us and to those people we’re just complaining.
That’s why so many feel alone.
The stigma is real.
My low is leveling out. I feel more secure in sharing now.
I know that no one could tell at all. I’ve worked hard to face it to make it, yet I suppose fake it to make it still applies at times, at least outwardly. We don’t want to dampen other people’s mood. I don’t want to effect their own mental health.
I had plans to spend New Years Eve with my son, as well.
It breaks my heart that I couldn’t.
His going away party is in 8 days. They move to Arizona later this month.
CRPS has robbed us all of so much.
I do continue to try to focus on what we do have, what I can do, what we have done rather than the pain in it all.
I helped myself through this sending love and prayers around to others and focusing on good things.
For those who can relate, I see you and feel you more than you’ll ever know.