Packing and Praying

I messaged my son earlier and I asked him to pray for me. I said “Please pray for me that I can do the work and be strong enough to go on with it”. He replied “Always do mom”. I said “Thank you”.

My recent Twitter posts were meant to be known and while I could have held back on the potty mouth it wasn’t all that necessary. Why? Truth. Because that’s the reality in it all. I have my dead daddy’s mouth and while I didn’t use those words when he was alive or even in the first 20 years after he left us I’m sort of proud that it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. It only matters that I don’t drop those words if I want not to. It’s not beneath me otherwise. Why? Because I’m not above anyone.

Ozra is coming to pick me up on Saturday. We’re going to get this hair cut off. Yep. Most all of it. Short. Most likely to my shoulders or layered down a little farther. If there’s enough without going shorter, I’ll leave it with our girl who owns the shop to donate it.

I leave California the next day for awhile.

Threw some things away today, did dishes, cleaned up, and started packing.

Taking a break right now. I do still use my pennies carefully, but I don’t run out as quickly and that’s a good thing.

I posted about guilt some. The one thing I feel most bad about is not being able to work sooner to fix things before they got so out of hand. Carrying it all is heavy. If one person can’t carry it someone else has to. I did and I will. I have to.

I never stepped away from God and I never stopped praying. I did stop believing in hope even though I continued to be hopeful for one day.

I’ve always known I’d have to live it hard to understand it. Understand what pain is, poverty, loss, and rejection. To love so deeply that it hurts. That’s why I understand that people sometimes have to choose roads that another would never go down and many pretend don’t even exist.

I’m not looking for an easy life yet I’m hoping there’s at least an easier one out there. Hard is good. We learn. Too hard can have devastating circumstances, consequences that can’t be taken back.

My mom said “The reason you’ve gone through it all is because you have a place in heaven”.

I don’t deserve heaven.

heaven

But maybe she’s right.

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New Years Eve

My family spent the evening together. It was a last minute, unplanned, lets go out for a bit. Mama’s idea! We had no plans other than to grandson sit if our daughter had any. Ozra didn’t have any evening plans, and Erika a.k.a Erykah had an event to work at 10:00 p.m. I haven’t been out for New Years Eve or New Years Day for many years beyond our children’s home and most years I just slept midnight away. I didn’t want to leave our 10 year old grandson behind and while I might like to party, I don’t. I chose a spot where De’Mantai Xayvier could enjoy the night with us. And that’s what we did. Erik (Massah), Kharisma Anna Magdalena (Maggie), Erykah (Rikki) (and Dan), Ozra (Kurtis) and Austin.

twinklev-and-demantai-xayvier-howard-new-years-eve

Nana and Grandson

Hard to keep up on our names? I know. Kharisma was named after me. Odd right? When I was growing up everyone told me I had a lot of charisma and I was always being told how charismatic I was. I named her for that. And gave her the K. I’ve always liked the unique side of people, places and things, so a C wouldn’t work. I was still a teenager when she was born. I was 18 when I conceived her and she was born when I was 19. Initially our second daughter was to be named Destynee, but I named her after her daddy instead. Erik –> Erika. Our son was to be Atreyu (Son of All) but I named him after his Dad and great great grandfather. Erik Kurtis –> Kurtis Ozra (Ozie). I gave the name Atreyu to another, later. De’Mantai is known as ‘Tai. And then me, I’m called Twink by my family and close friends, but my toddler childhood nickname that I’m still called often and publicly is Ooie. Pronounced 00 ee. oo-ee baby! Then there’s Twinks, Twinkles, and a few others.

So we gathered together for a bit and was home fairly early by 10:00 p.m. Earlier in the day we went home so I could grab that Cymbalta. Being off it was too much! At first I wanted to call it quits since I hadn’t taken it at all in 2 days because I had forgotten to bring it. I’m like, I got this! Well I didn’t. That crap is the devil. At first I only took the 30 mg, but it didn’t stop the feeling of jumping in and out of myself. It’s a hard experience. So about an hour later I took the other 30 and within 2 hours I was feeling better. So today I continued on the 60 and tomorrow I’ll go back to the 30 and hope for the best. I think about 10 days or so to be off it again. My cold is getting better, still have it, but not like it was. Phew! My shoulder is off and on again. Much better than just on.

Going back home this evening after an extended stay at our kids this week. Stayed a little longer because I wanted to minimize becoming sicker for longer when I have things to get ready for. Plus the toilet is torn apart in our bathroom, pulled the entire toilet from the ground and still needed more parts to try to fix the issue. Have those parts now so the man can work on it when we get home. Other repairs and replacements should only take a couple of months. Yay! Once that’s done, I’ll explain and share how other seemingly “impossible’s” are possible.

And with that, you might understand more clearly the last 3 years.

You’ll either be surprised, disturbed or dumbfounded.

 

In any event,

You might finally get it in it’s entirety. No matter how much I’ve told, left open to interpretation or slipped up on, I’ve never laid it all out for what it’s been.

 

In this New Year, I will.

Happy 2017

twinklev-rsdcrpsfire-new-years-eve-resized

#StrongerThanPain

 

 

 

 

 

The Opposite of Fear is Faith

Image Credit by Ozra September 24, 2015 Bay Area CA_1.

Image Credit by Ozra

Is it? I think that’s a truth statement, mostly. Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.,whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. One definition of Faith is defined as confidence or trust in a person or thing; belief in anything. Without having something to believe in, to add light to darkness, or hope in pain, change, love there really can’t be either. Yin and Yang. It takes one to have the other. It also takes commitment to oneself. Believing in ourselves when no one else does. Saving our own lives, if we must. 

“One betrayal costs a hundred devotions. One deception sacrifices ten loyalties. One misconception is the price paid toward assumptions and against each other”. ~Dyversiti

The struggle has been real and it’s been hard, but no one has really known that but me. I feel like the 5 years forward I’ve come (and the 10 years it took to get the there) has led 15 years backwards. I’m not physically or emotionally well and trying so very hard to not have a bitter heart.  ‘Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do”. I’ve always continued to love and care, and.. forgive even when the pain was on me because I was #StrongerThanPain and I was stronger because fear and faith ran simultaneously through me, always.

In Theology, Grace is defined as the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God; the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them. The Grace of God has been with me all the while. I’m already flawless in his eyes. Yet I fear… yes I fear, my journey has only just begun. Faith will evenly carry me through it. Hope is seemingly unconditional, but hope is conditional upon others, energy, an action.

BELIEVE

by Twinkle VanFleet

WITHOUT HOPE,

WE WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO PRAY FOR-

WITHOUT FAITH,

WE WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO BELIEVE IN,

WITHOUT LIFE AND DEATH,

WE WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO-

WITHOUT GOD,

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN NOTHING AT ALL.

©1995-1999-2016 Twinkle Wood-VanFleet/Golden Rainbow Poetry/All rights reserved. (Written in the 80’s)

 

Dependent on medication management, I was. I still am, yet I’m not actually taking any pain relieving medication at all. It’s easier to send someone off to mental health than it is to understand that sometimes, usually, those meds give back life, instead of take it away. And in my case it did both.

Thrive | Casting Crowns

“We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It’s time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive”

“Thrive”

Here in this worn and weary land
Where many a dream has died

Like a tree planted by the water
We never will run dry

So living water flowing through
God we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls
With one desire

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It’s time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

Into Your word we’re digging deep
To know our Father’s heart

Into the world we’re reaching out
To show them who You are

So living water flowing through
God we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls
With one desire

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It’s time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It’s time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

Hey!

We were made to Thrive

We were made to Thrive…..
Thrive!

Christmas 2015

Hanging on the wall in the VanFleet home.

Hanging on the wall in the VanFleet home.

Originally we were going to go over to our son and daughter’s Christmas morning. Instead we went over on Christmas eve. Our son had to work until 2:oo a.m. Father and daughter watched the football game. They can get loud and crazy. I’m not a football girl, so at first I was listening to Spotify tunes and then I hung out with our grandson watching funny Vine video’s. We were all in bed fairly early. My husband and I were the first up Christmas morning. We woke about 8:50 a.m and got up about 9:00 a.m. Everyone else was sleeping. My husband said heck no! it’s Christmas morning they never let us sleep in on Christmas, so he went and woke ‘Tai up and I woke Kharisma. Ozra didn’t get in from work until 3:00 a.m and while I did go wake him, gave him a bit longer. Coffee was already on when I woke our daughter.

We didn’t do Christmas dinner, times are just hard that way and we all did a nice Thanksgiving dinner at our daughter and son in laws. Since our daughter Rikki and Dan were going to his family, we decided to just do Christmas breakfast/brunch and that’s what we did. Our oldest Kharisma, our grandson De’Mantai (‘Tai), our son who had to work that day too, and my husband and I.  All was as perfect as it could be! We’ve made alterations like this before when one or more of us had to work and we couldn’t be together. I’ve even changed the day or time so that we all could be.

Our 9 year old grandson was lit up by the hand made blanket he was gifted from our friend Debbie and the toys and Disney lithographs he received for his advocacy from the Power of Pain Foundation.

We managed to get a few photos before our son left for his second job providing security for the State of California. His first job is an 8 to 5 Monday through Friday. My dad is a retired officer, my son’s God dad is an active officer, and my son is training to be. Recently promoted to Sergeant in the Sheriffs Explorer’s program to lead others as he was the last 4+ years. Former National Youth Ambassador for the Power of Pain Foundation and Executive Board Member that’s where our grandson will be one day.

Father, Son, Mama Xmas 2015

Our daughter returned to work a month or more ago after a 3 month leave for medical reasons. She finally had her MRI at Stanford we hit a snag on. Hoping for answers on tumor growth, intervention, and treatment plan soon. It’s all so ongoing.

In her world anything is possible. Nothing can hold HER back. Her power and ambition are her strength. It is always about HER. Welcome to Her world. Thank you. (For Kay from Ozra)

In her world anything is possible. Nothing can hold HER back. Her power and ambition are her strength. It is always about HER. Welcome to Her world. Thank you. (For Kay from Ozra)

Brother and sister. Ozra and Kharisma.

Brother and sister. Ozra and Kharisma.

 

Father and son spent the morning putting together the 3 way game table that Kurtis Ozra (Ozie) gifted his house. ‘Tai was so excited.

Father and son. (Kurtis Ozra and Erik Kurtis)

Father and son. (Kurtis Ozra and Erik Kurtis)

 

Son and Mother ('Tai and Kay/Kharisma)

Son and Mother (‘Tai and Kay/Kharisma)

‘Tai had to play his mom a few games.

 

And before his Uncle headed out the door for work, nephew wanted some candy…

Nephew and Uncle ('Tai and Ozra)

Nephew and Uncle (‘Tai and Ozra)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wish we had Rikki with us but we can’t be children hogs. We do have to share. 🙂

I raised some amazing kids, all 3 of them. Daughter Kharisma is a manager, daughter Rikki is an Assistant Funeral Director and son Ozra is everything he can be at 18. I did good! We did good Erik VanFleet! 2016 is 30 years strong. De’Mantai Xayvier is already on his way as a Gifted and Talented Education student. Several honor roll achievements to his name.

Honored to be honored for just being mama. (son and mother, Ozra and Twinkle)

Honored to be honored for just being mama. (son and mother, Ozra and Twinkle)

 

 

Yeah, we all did good!

It was a Merry Christmas!

Ohana.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope your Christmas was blessed, too.

 

Awoken

By Twinkle VanFleet

Grand_Universe_by_ANTIFAN_REAL

Grand Universe by Antifan Real

She thinks she can make it now
She knows that there there’s no win or lose.
She thinks that the fight is a matter of mind,
She knows that we give up or choose.

She believes that pain is a matter of perception,
We hide ourselves in ache, loss and rejection
She thinks that she can move past the hell,
She knows she has his protection.

She heard the whispers and saw the descent,
She felt the flutter and witnessed the havoc
She thinks forever is in the palm of his hand,
She knows life is precious, tragic and magic.

She hid in the dark, safe from the violence,
She kept from the path that could lead to no return
She shrugged off the violations,
Yet still felt the burn.

She wore the brand and inclined her head,
She was obedient and gave obeisance
She came out of the silence,
And revoked public acquiescence.

She saw tomorrow through the light,
She saw beyond the material world
She felt the vibrations and breathed in time,
Awoken, as the universe whirled.

©2015 Twinkle Wood-VanFleet/Golden Rainbow Poetry/All rights reserved. Copyright Laws and Regulations of the United States http://www.copyright.gov/title17/

A Bit of Hope

A Bit of Hope

By Twinkle VanFleet

shutterstock_129078545 - GodsHand

A hand reached out from heaven,

And lifted her toward the sky,

She saw a glimpse of heaven,

Through the twinkle in his eyes.

I give to you the world,

There you will change many lives,

Because of you, they will love me,

They will see me… the spirit,

Through your eyes.

 

I gave to you hope,

You will always hope for them,

I gave to you a voice,

Use it now and again.

I gave you a golden heart,

So it may always be true,

I gave to you the personality,

I made not another soul like you.

You will always shine,

Like stars of the night-light,

You are a special one,

From the dust,

I made you right.

 

Your words will teach them,

Only a few and I will understand,

His heart will love you,

He receives from me your hand.

Teach them the truth,

You will know what it means,

You will be the many winds,

Beneath his wings.

 

He will cherish you, but

Your own heart will cherish him more,

Together, you must share with the world,

My hopes and dreams

Hope is what I made you for.

©1995-1999-2015 Twinkle wood-VanFleet/Golden Rainbow Poetry/All Rights Reserved. First publication: by Golden Rainbow Poetry licensed as a small business in the City of West Sacramento, CA. 1995. OL- 2007. Written 30+ years ago. Slightly altered from original.