Father’s Day – 2 Daddy’s in Heaven

My Dad passed away at home on Memorial Day. It seemed fitting, as many said, for a Vietnam Hero and wounded warrior.

When I wrote last he had just been diagnosed with cancer during a 9 day hospital stay. 2 days before Mother’s Day he was taken back for a mild heart attack. On Mother’s Day, my mom who was at the hospital with him had a severe heart attack and was rushed to the cath lab immediately. She underwent stent repair, replacement and additional stents were added. She has 7 now. She spent several days in ICU while dad was on the cardiac unit.

My mom has had a pacemaker for several years now. The doctors said her heart cannot be fixed anymore. Ever. She’s had at least a half dozen heart attacks now, and 3 or 4 in just the last 2 years.

During that time we learned Dads cancer was stage 4, and had already spread. He made it home for a day, and was taken to his chemo appt, where an ambulance was called and was admitted again. He finally made it back home to pass away. He was gone just a few days later.

When mom was discharged after 6 days they wouldn’t let her return to the hospital to be with him. Due to her own health, they said. She was so scared, and unwell. But for him.

There’s a couple blessings in this heartache. One is that mom was in the hospital when she collapsed with her heart attack, it saved her life. The other is that Dad did make it back home to pass on with her with her by his side.

The thought and possibly of them being separated in his death was devastating.

I wasn’t able to be there for them. I’m in California and they’re in Georgia. I wasn’t able to attend his services or burial, and that’ll forever tug my heart.

Between the cost of a plane ticket, averaging a $1000 at the time, and my physical ability, or rather inability the obstacles became larger. I kept thinking if funds were available I could do the trip but it would have to be from here. Prices were coming down some, but that was flying out of San Francisco (always cheaper that way) instead of Sacramento where I reside. Frisco is 90 minutes to 2 hours away. Traffic can add hours to that, and Bay area traffic can be rough. It would have taken me 12 hours or about (flight and travel) just to get to Atlanta GA, and then another 90 minute car ride to get to my parents home in Manchester. Not counting any layover or plane transfers.

If I could have gotten on a plane in Sacramento on a non stop flight that would have assisted my physical obstacles to manage getting there but those were the expensive tickets. If a caregiver accompanied me that of course would be double the cost. It was all out of reach.

I’m praying with all my heart tickets come down enough that I might still be able to make it there in the next months to see my mom. I already know that if I can somehow, that it’ll be the last time in this life I’ll ever see her. I’ve been trying to come to terms with that.

But more so that I’ll never see her again anyway since her heart is in that bad of condition, and the loss of dad has her in deep depression as well. I have to prepare myself in advance.

This Father’s Day, both of my Dad’s are in heaven. Lauren Wood 1991, and Don Tresca 2022.

One is my birth dad, and the second is my dad not by blood, but by love. Technically Don was my step dad, but has been just dad too for nearly 25 years.

Breaks my heart that my mama has been widowed twice now.

Some children never had a dad at all. How incredibly blessed I am to have had 2 of them.

Rest in peace and love. Best Dads ever!!!

Heartache and Happiness

In just the last few weeks both my auntie, who’s also my God Mother, and my Dad, my second dad, has been diagnosed with cancer.

My aunts came quickly. Confirmation that is. Metastasized full body. Seemingly quickly, I should say, it’s been there spreading to get to stage 4 like this. Doctors dismissed her complaints as whining. She’s on hospice at this time, and is declining rapidly.

We just learned of Dad a few days ago after a 9 day hospital stay. Small cell carcinoma lung cancer. We don’t know what stage yet.

My birth dad died of lung cancer in the 25th year of marriage with my mom.

My mom’s husband now was also her high school sweetheart before she met my birth dad. I’m so happy that after we lost my dad, she found the man who’s been my dad the last 25 years. My birth dad died when I was 22. This Dad has been an amazing husband to my mom, and wonderful dad to my sister and I, even though for me its at a distance.

A year ago docs said his lungs were fine.

I have anger because I don’t believe they fail to see spots, shadows, cancer in scans. They just don’t tell us earlier on. Call me paranoid but I don’t even care. Healthcare is a shitshow. Thats all it is. And people die because of it. Heartbreaking for aunties children and grands.

I’m trying to stay focused on all the good around me. Tone down emotions of worry and grief so I can be okay, too. So that stress doesn’t instigate my conditions. But of course, its occurring. I can’t reach my parents, they’re in Georgia, I’m in California.

I stay praying Dad still has time.

There’s both heartache and happiness. Happiness for all the love.

My daughter Rikki will be here Tuesday from Michigan. It’ll most likely be the last time she sees auntie.

Heavy.

Former smoker

There’s hardly anything left to change about myself anymore. Evolve is all thats left.

About 6 weeks ago, I decided it was time to stop smoking. I know, I know, bad habit.

I had ceased smoking for over a year about a decade ago, and again for more than half a year in the same few years. I used Chantix, yet that wasn’t an option this time.

If I could get through the last 6 years without doctors, treatments, medications, and give up drinking for over 3 years now, I could surely do this.

I have! Today’s my 6th day done.

No going back.

I weaned myself lower and lower, and I had tried a generic patch. I don’t recommend that. It hardly made any difference. I used Nic lozenges and those were helpful enough to cut down, not quit.

I’d have to rely on self control and hope that all the work I’ve done for myself over the years to keep intractable pain, major depressive disorder and anxiety disorders stable would benefit me for this, as well.

I didn’t want to become frustrated and give up. At one point I thought I chose the wrong time to try. Too much going on simultaneously. I ended up in a flare, and that made trying harder some days.

What do smokers do in pain and under stress? Smoke! Ugh!

On March 14th, I began NicoDerm patches. March 15th was my last Cig. On the second day, I wasn’t sure yet if I’d achieve this. It already felt harder than quitting drinking had been. Then again I wasn’t a drinker like I was a smoker. Not even close. On the 3rd day, I had more confidence again.

My daughter had left me the remainder of her vape. I have it on hand. I’ve minimally used it. Its like a security blanket. Just being there makes any mental aspect easier.

I won’t be replacing cigarettes with the vape. This is only for now. It makes no sense for me to replace nicotine with nicotine in the long run. Not my goal at all. I know that people have done this, and I would never take that from them. I’m proud of them for making there own change. For me though I want to be entirely done with any type of smoking. I don’t even smoke cannabis.

I’ve used it, I’m not a user of it. I’m a mini hitter quitter. Ha! I can’t tolerate it like most can. A pinch of edible occasionally. That’s it!

The most I’ve gotten out of it is muscle relief at times, or sleep. It doesn’t help me otherwise.

People are always trying to push the weed my way. No thank you. When I lost pain care, I got my California certification to use it medicinally. I tried several types, edibles, flower, pens, cbd, cbd thc combo, etc. I let my certification expire because the benefit wasn’t better than being high. We’ve become legal for recreational usage since so I still have access if need be.

I’m trying to face life not have another escape from it.

We’re all on our own journey. It’s the best thing there is for some, and not for others.

I started NicoDerm with Step 2 instead of the first step. My intake was less than half pack a day. Some people still smoke while using the patches during wean down. I didn’t this time. I dislike the term “suck it up” yet that’s exactly what I had to do. I just needed to get through those first couple of days. Anyones last cig day is probably the same.

Hand/mouth part of the habit can be rough. Years of repetitive actions. Same thing over and over again. My husband got me some dum dum suckers to help with that. I’ve had a few, but I’m not needing to sit or move around with a sucker between my lips all day. I think I just wanted it because it was a sucker more than for that habit itself.

When I had quit smoking previously I referred to myself as a former smoker instead of a non smoker. I felt non smoker took away from the true non smokers. Those who’ve never smoked at all.

Former is good for me.

Feliz lunes a todas!

Binaural Beats for Pain, Stress, Anxiety, and Depression

It can be difficult to manage stress and anxiety with chronic and intractable illnesses.

I’ve been practicing stress reduction for decades now, yet I’ve not mastered it, entirely.

Meditation, deep breathing, shifting focus, distraction, so much more.

I’ve done well to keep myself from any type of mental breakdowns since the major ones that had occurred. It’s a constant challenge to stay on top of my well-being.

My body does react negatively still. Pain syndromes cause pain of course and stress will causes even more. When depression slips in it becomes a total mind and body assault that’s difficult to cope with.

One thing I’ve changed for the better is breathing. That’s been for several years now. It did take some time for that. I always had a tendency to hyperventilate during extreme pain. The first time I experienced that, I was 19 and giving birth to my first baby girl. I was in distress, and my unborn baby was experiencing my stress to the point the doctor attached a fetal monitor to her tiny head while she was still inside me.

Labor hurts! I had her naturally and it was painful. My second daughter who was born 12 months later? Epidural! Part of me wants to laugh at that, and part of me is saddened by it. I was afraid of that pain again. My rainbow baby boy who was born 9 years later, I chose natural again. I could do it! I would do it! He sustained a birth injury, a Pars defect, fairly common I’ve read,, and the cord was wrapped around his neck and body. I’m so glad they didn’t tell me that, I most likely would’ve panicked and caused him further injury.

I’ve shared Binaural Beats here before, many years ago. They can be a helpful tool in managing ourselves. If nothing else there’s calm and peace in listening.

Similar to Lavender or Camomile Epsoms salt soaks. It doesn’t always take pain away but it’s relaxing, soothing, and the aroma therapy from it is calming, too. Therefore worth the soak.

If you’re not familiar with Binaural Beats, I’m including a few links to try them.

Binaural beats

Stress and anxiety
Depression relief

Sutter Health

Stress and anxiety relief

Deep healing
Repairs and heals DNA level
Frequency healing

Binaural beats are essential in body healing: an illness will indirectly be healed using binaural beats. However, from scientific studies, there is a thin line between physical and mental health. The physical body will be naturally stronger and healthier after mental health has been promoted.

Natural Healing Society

My own pain is currently heightened. It’s also raining which causes arthritis to flare up with CRPS. My legs and feet have the deep bone and muscle aches, and burning intensified, yet since taking Cat’s Claw, I’ve only blown up with swelling and discoloration twice in the top of my feet to the point my shoes didn’t fit for a bit each time. That part is amazing. My heels are inflamed. That hurts all by itself. Heel spurs. It’s like walking on broken glass. I haven’t much learned how to relieve that. My orthotics do help some for the Plantar Fasciitis, Tarsal Tunnel, and Achilles Tendonitis. It takes a couple hours upon waking to ease down. By 5:00 p.m. my feet have had enough again. I’m glad I got enough weight off my body to wear them.

I’m hopeful that as I continue to take Cat’s Claw the benefits will increase.

Binaural beats are in my ears right now.

Wishing you all pain eased days and nights.

Cat’s Claw | uña de gato

I previously mentioned Cat’s Claw. This is a starting point which may be of interest to you. In regards to my CRPS and other chronic illnesses, I’ve found that Cat’s Claw offers a wide array of benefits.

Some of the information claims cures, I’ll not claim a cure because it’s offensive to some who’ve been deemed and diagnosed incurable by western medicine. To me, incurable implies the medical system either doesn’t know how to cure an illness, or doesn’t have enough information themselves to do so. In some cases, perhaps they just don’t want to. Medicine has become a business more than anything else anymore.

Many of my own conditions are incurable. I’d like to believe the cures are out there and I just haven’t found it yet.

Something I’ve often wondered is that, for example, if my CRPS became curable, I’d still be left with the several secondary illnesses either acquired from it, or those seemingly unrelated, yet affected by it.

Believe me when I say its become my mission to relieve them all.

Uncaria tomentosa is a woody vine found in the tropical jungles of South and Central America. It is known as cat’s claw or uña de gato in Spanish because of its claw-shaped thorns. The plant root bark is used in herbalism for a variety of ailments, and is sold as a dietary supplement. Wikipedia

Some references state it can begin working in as little as a few days, others about a month. Like most herbs, roots, and supplements, a month is reasonable.

I’ve taken it approximately 10 days. Day time burning related to CRPS has lightened. As of yet, night time hasn’t relieved. I was able to get my shoes with orthotics inserted back on yesterday, after swelling had increased again the last couple of weeks. Edema and discoloration has been a major part of CRPS this entire 21 years of having it. It can be random or caused by weight bearing. There are times its much better than other times. My shoes are on and went on with ease. At this point it may be a coincidence.

My take away from all the research and watching videos on Cat’s Claw is that its potential is incredible.

A compilation from my notes include:

Inflammation, Improves RA, Osteoarthritis, dialates blood vessels, repairs cellular damage, repairs dna, repairs chemo therapy induced DNA damage, repairs RNA, protects neurons, tumors, diuretic, intestinal complaints, heals wounds, may fight cancer, immune system support. It may fight and inhibit growth in leukemia, promotes healthy white blood cells, lowers high blood pressure, improves various neurological symptoms, inhibits blood clot formation, increases circulation, calcium channel blocker, relaxes blood vessels, immune modulator, Decreases inflammation in the brain. May assist HIV and AIDS, combats herpes, improves digestive problems such as crohns disease, diverticulitis, gastritis, colitis, hemorrhoids, leaky gut, stomach ulcers, parasites, muscle and joint relief, colds and flu relief, antioxidant, antiviral, anti mutagenic, fights viral infections.

I’m highly interested in its ability to repair cellular, and DNA damage.

Its antibacterial, antifungal and antiviral effects have proven particularly effective in combating persistent infections such as Lyme disease, Candida, Eppstein-Barr (glandular fever), herpes, bladder infections, hepatitis, prostatitis, gastritis and Crohn’s disease.Apr 23, 2018

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncaria_tomentosa

https://www.rxlist.com/cats_claw/supplements.htm

https://www.drugs.com/npp/cat-s-claw.html

https://www.nccih.nih.gov/health/cats-claw

Side effects
Generally well tolerated and considered non toxic. Possible dizziness, diarrhea, nausea.

I haven’t experienced any side effects. Please keep in mind that I’m not taking any pharmaceuticals. I have no idea how it would interact with any. Talk with your doctor or pharmacist before using this.

Caution
May interact with other medications
and immune modulating drugs.

Do not use if pregnant, or nursing. Do not give to children without doctor supervision. Discontinue 2 weeks prior to surgery.

If you have Lupus, MS, Parkinsons, bleeding disorders, talk to your doctor before using.

The brand that I purchased is by NOW and cost effective at about $15.

YouTube References

Looking forward to sharing more about this in the coming months and any noted relief or benefits with other illnesses including, but not limited to, Diverticulosis/Diverticulitis, Crohn’s, Gastritis, Narcolepsy, and Brain Health.

Always More

Is “always more” negative or just truthful?

It’s a matter of perspective, I suppose. It’s truthful for all of us.

My physical fumble is still in progress and I’m managing that as well as I can.

I’ve mentioned over the years that we didn’t have hot running water for 7 years. On Halloween 2020 it was finally fixed.

The week before Christmas it took a dump again. We didn’t notice there was a problem right away. I had got in the bath and the hot water was colder quickly. We thought that was because the washing machine was in use at the same time using hot water as well. 2 nights later I was trying to soak in heat again. Same thing. Husband had went out back to check it. Ugh! It had been dumping hot water for sometime. It’s been off since, and until we can repair or replace it. Our SMUD bill increased from an average of $140 mo to $400 for 2 consecutive billing cycles. And last week here comes the water bill that averaged $30 this time of year to $250. Well sh*t! It is what it is though.

This isn’t even half of the “always more”.

It is still a blessing to have learned all those other years how to manage living without what most people take for granted.

I’m not even going to mention what else has happened simultaneously because it’ll sound like a cry story and my purpose for sharing this bit is no one really knows what others endure. We rarely do for each other.

We’re all fighting battles on top of battles. For me, getting through them without losing myself is the cornerstone of faith.

My faith is strong and so am I.

Yesterday, Valentine’s Day was the 6th painiversary of that first suicide attempt. I basically spent the day mumbling LaLalalalah, as not to let bad memories slip in and turn it into a depressing day. I made us a nice dinner on Sunday. Yesterday was a work day for husband anyway and so Sunday, like for many, was the day we acknowledged Valentine’s.

I stared taking Cat’s Claw a week or so ago. Devil’s Claw, I’ve used several times and it is helpful for pain conditions. Una de Gato has great benefits too. In some aspects, more. I’ll write more about my experiences with it and it’s benefits soon.

I’m not currently getting in much of my music movement therapy. Hopefully more again soon. I’ve maintained my weight loss yet haven’t lost much more. I’m still at about the 40 pound loss.

I hadn’t worn pants since mid December. The pants I finally got back into a few months ago I dreaded putting back on. I was worried they wouldn’t fit again because my fitness time decreased. I tried them on Saturday. They’re fine, and even a bit looser.

Later next month will be a year since I began the low carbs. Minus 40 in a year is still good. I know some people who’ve lost 100 in a year. Amazing!

I’m up to 631 consecutive days of learning Spanish via Duolingo app. A couple of months ago I started with The Language Tutor via YouTube, and I’m re watching La Reina del Sur in Spanish. I finished the novela months back, but decided to watch it again.

In 3 days, I’ll be 3 years and a month alcohol free even through the storms that just keep coming. I’ve proven to myself I don’t need it to get through CRPS or the roller coasters of life but it’s really hard on the days my physical self hurts too greatly and there’s little I can do but wait it out.

Still facing it and still making.

Mas fuerte que el dolor

3 years alcohol free

It’s taken nearly 3 months for my shoulder to heal again. This situation had begun about a week prior to my blog post Ball Therapy in November.

I continued on with my music movement therapy the best that I could. I had to remove the weights from my routine for the most part. I did try to resume twice. A mistake both times, yet no one can say I didn’t try, try, try again. I did! I should have waited. I tried walking in place, holding them too and finally didn’t attempt to lift them above my head until recently.

I didn’t consider this a flare really. An acute re injury or slippage of spinal disc and irritated nerves is probably more accurate.

Sleeping, laying down wasn’t pleasant. I had to rest propped up regularly for weeks in order to rest at all. I couldn’t lay on my back, or my arms for more than seconds. My neck was heavy. I used a back, neck, and shoulder support posture harness for nearly 2 months. Removing it to bathe or dress caused my wedgie to intensify with that tearing sensation. I call it a wedgie, I suppose to replace the word, pain.

I resumed lifting my 2 lb weights 3 days ago on my 3 year soberversary. I’m hoping it’s okay to do so now and it’ll be fine. The other symptoms are still occurring. The buzzing, numbness, pulsating, shock like sensations haven’t subsided. As long as the tearing and ripping pain doesn’t accompany it, I can deal with it.

I broke 2 plates from not having enough strength in my hand to support the weight of a coffee cup while washing dishes.

I’m proud that I don’t consider alcohol an option anymore, but I haven’t fully overcome the reason why I had. Medically untreated pain and various illnesses.

Achieved my 3 years, January 18th.

I spent a beautiful sleepover at my sons with his wife and my grandson’s 10 days prior. They live about an hour from us.

I’m still about 40 lbs down from 10 months ago. At a weight loss halt currently yet maintaining.

Stronger Than Pain – January 8, 2022

I wore this shirt, which had belonged to my son from the Ignition Student Conference years ago. He was a teen still. It’s a size medium.

I wouldn’t purchase mediums yet. Sticking with large for now. Earlier last year, I was wearing X Lg. This shirt was in my closet and so I was inclined to try it. Woot!

I still have 20 to lose.

My lower extremity CRPS is better some days but not each day at all. Some days it feels like losing the weight hasn’t made any difference, yet I also know it’s had to. The benefits are there even if I don’t feel it on a regular basis.

I’m looking forward to springtime and doing my kiddie pool water PT. I find calm in nature and sunshine and weightless movement isn’t stressful. I started my music movement therapy so that I could avoid or minimize winter rumbles. Flare-ups.

The element of stress is there especially when I have to push myself extra to get through doing the exercises. I try to make it fun with music so that the stress isn’t heightened with it and I can feel good wanting to.

I’m not planning to stop the movement or fitness routines, I’m hoping to do both.

Next week will be 21 years since I sustained the injuries that led to RSDCRPS type 2. I was 32. I’ll be 54 later this year. Cray.

Happy Friday!

Gohl Method

I’ve referred to MLT dozens of times over the years. MLT is Manual Ligament Therapy.

The therapies and protocols are what I’ve used to maintain my comorbidities.

Now that video demonstrations are available it’s easier for me to recall some of what I learned, yet had also forgotten. What I mean by forgotten is the specifics to certain movements and stretches.

Spinal pain had been creeping up. I’ve been using an inflatable traction device since yesterday. Since having MLT years ago, I’ve only had a few instances of this. When I attended it was at its worse and it had been ongoing for more than a year.

I had been sent to the physical therapy center for traction of my spine and a few other treatments including heat and manipulation. I underwent cervical injections. The second one I had was the day before the Gohl Method/program healing retreat. (Oct 2016)

In fact, I spent my 48th birthday there. The spinal problems had caused cervical radiculopathy. Part of my right hand, fingers, wrist and forearm are partially numb. The treatment restored loss 9f feeling in my third finger. Its the finger I type and text with. I canceled the 3rd injection.

I was seriously scattered yesterday. Too much pain distorts my thought process. I kept changing my mind all day.

I couldn’t concentrate. I watched and rewatched 2 Spanish lessons, and couldn’t retain a single thing.

Background noise was terrorizing me. Hypersensitivity to sound. My anxiety kept rising.

I wanted to reach a 5 day exercise goal. Then wasn’t going to do it. I thought I had other weeks ahead to accomplish that.

I replaced that with Anterior Body Stretch. I could visually focus as I mirrored the video. That helped me complete it.

My mind kept nagging me, I’m not even kidding, to not miss my music movement therapy and achieve 5 out of 5 days that my fit bit would log as actual exercise not only active minutes.

I rewatched all of the Gohl Method presentations and demonstrations.

The little inspirations fit bit give you. You’re a pro! Ha! 10 minutes is hardly that, but hey,  at least it sounds supportive. It would be the first time reaching a 5/5 goal. I did!

Today, so far, stress is lessened. There’s no worry to miss song movement today. I just had to reach that goal!

I’ll repeat anterior stretch, and take it easy.

I really like Abdominal Self Massage, and have been doing this one for years. Not to the full extent of the video though. I use my therapy balls more than my hands, I’ve been doing it hands-on for 2 weeks.

I mentioned in a previous blog I wasn’t taking on anything in 2021 other than increased weights. These therapies don’t count as they are already in progress and therefore will simply continue.

The only thing I can think of that caused or contributed to this flare, or re injury is banging my knee 2 weeks ago tomorrow. It’s still bruised and swollen. It looks like I fell and I didn’t. I dinged it in the doorway coming out of the bathroom. My dog was weaving between my legs, and smack!

That hurt like a bish, but then I didn’t think any more of it. I just thought I was sore and tender because CRPS does that anyway. I hadn’t even noticed the depth of bruising and swelling until the 4th day, when I was getting ready to go with my auntie to Thanksgiving eve prayer service.

It occurred to me some before and more so after rewatching these videos that maybe I threw my posture off and as a result my spine as well, which led to my current state.

I’m really not certain. Random flares occur often enough.

It makes sense to me. I’ve been attempting to repair my poor posture over these last several years, too. I’ve fairly well fixed my breathing issues, which is fast slow, even in my sleep and documented in sleep study reports. I don’t panic breathe, anymore. I’ve avoided hyperventilation.

I pray these methods help others as much as they’ve helped me. I have faith they’ll help even more into the future.

For more information-

https://gohlmethod.com/

Feliz viernes

2021 Reflections

Much of this year has been that of carry overs. In January, I celebrated 2 years of sobriety from alcohol. March will be 2 years of attending my Church on Facebook Live. I haven’t missed a day. I’ve attended once in person and that was just a couple of months ago.

I’m at 557 consecutive days of Spanish. 2 years will be here soon enough.

I started low carbs this March, and in August, Music Movement Therapy.

I had some trial and error with the low carbs, a couple of bouts of Diverticulitis and CKD was riled up for a time being.

I’ve lost about 37 pounds so far. In the last 8 months, I’ve had to do liquid diet a few times to ease the belly and colon pain. I took oil of oregano for that. Anytime, I need an antibiotic this is what I use. Apple juice, bananas, most soups, aren’t low in carbohydrates. I tried not to worry about that.

My mornings are Tylenol, Ibuprofen, or the combination of both immediately upon waking. Coffee, and a few counter stretches.

I make our dinner everyday. I often have food started in the crockpit by 9:00 a.m.

Of course, I scroll Facebook with that first coffee and then feed my dogs.

There’s resting in between it all. My routine is fairly solid. My little exercise session comes next. I generally do my Spanish in the evening after dinner is served. We eat by 4.

I connected YouTube on my TV last week or so. I actually did that to watch Gohl Method videos and demonstrations. Which I’ve done several times now and will continue to.

My workout songs are on YouTube but I’ve been using headphones via my phone. Once I had it streaming on the TV, I did my movement from there. And then I tinkered with other channels.

I’m watching The Language Tutor. Spanish. I like how it’s taught and presented. It teaches the language not just the words. I’ve also watched movies and novelas. English subtitles.

It’s been so important to keep busy, my body doesn’t always go without lag, and some days can be too rough, but I can’t let my mind become idle. It’s the devil’s playground.

I’m still recovering from those mental breakdowns. Sometimes people think once the event or action is over it should all be forgotten and done with.

Thanksgiving Eve 2021 – Stronger Than Pain

It’s not! Now you have to face all the pain, hurt, depression, despair, anxiety, fears, and heartache that led you there.

The aftermath. Repairing. Choosing to live and creating a new path for it.

And then coping with all of the other things that simultaneously occur.

Loved ones hurting, sick, and in pain, helpless, stressors, worry, and caring for yourself all at the same time.

I stay as busy as possible, pray, and love.

Love!

I stay away from drama. If someone messages me negatively about someone else, I’m out! If they contact me because I’m not doing enough, or rather anything, for the Chronic Pain Community, I’m out! If a family member wants to gossip about another, yep, you got it, I’m out! 99 percent of the time, I send them off with love, care, and prayers, and wholeheartedly mean it, and thats it. The other 1 percent is left on read.

Family, even friends, tend to believe because they’re family that they are entitled. They aren’t. If anything, information is a courtesy not an entitlement. I’m speaking of those that I’m not close to in any way not of those I am.

It’s bothersome when they don’t recieve info from us so then they go through the back door to other people to get the scoop on what we wouldn’t tell them.

That’s disrespectful and quite low.

My point is that participating in, listening to, or reacting to such things would heighten my anxiety, provoke depression, cause me to over think and raise my physical pain levels.

There’s no peace in that.

I dont usually make a new years resolution. I can’t take on much more right now physically or mentally because I don’t want to become overwhelmed and crash. However, I’m going to increase my 2 lb weights to 3 lbs at the beginning of 2022.

I’m hoping that low carbs, weight loss, and movement/strengthening increases my energy at some point. I have none and having Narcolepsy and sleep disorders on top of it all is extra challenging. Praying.

I’m going to a Christian Concert December 12. I’ll be able to sit as necessary and stand as able,

My Auntie took me to prayer service the same day this photo was taken. It was a good day! Blessed.

I’m working on getting out a bit more. My social anxiety isn’t in check enough for much and weight bearing is what it is at any given moment. My emotions are mixed. The majority of me doesn’t want to be out in the world at all. Sad.

I’m trying though.

One thing is for certain, I’ll be 3 years alcohol free in about 6 weeks.

Progress continues.

Ball Therapy

In my previous post I mentioned shoulder pain. I wanted to share what relieved me of much of it last evening.

My chronic illness tool box is full of little helpers such as this.

When I underwent Manual Ligament Therapy 5 years ago, I had learned to utilize a tennis ball on my belly, and painful areas.

Later, I also started using a dog toy. It’s a ball on a rope with a tug handle.

There were times I had difficulty raising my arms to place my ball behind me and this idea came spontaneously.

My husband brought our dogs home some toys. I looked at one of the items, and thought immediately, I need that. Lo siento perro, that’s mine!

I stole the dogs new toy!

This has been a go to for me all along.

I can stand against a wall and toss it over my shoulder for self massage in those raw areas. I also use it laying down, as I did last night, and do it this way more often.

I laid as flat as able on my futon, tossed ball behind me, over my right shoulder, and rested on it. The strap/handle sets on the front of my shoulder/upper chest allowing me to control placement. I don’t have to get up, only lean up a little to reposition.

I can feel the ptessure in the raw painful knots. I had turned my head slightly to the left, I wanted to see the TV. I had Spanish lessons on YouTube at the time. Distraction.

When I turned my head that area in my shoulder was a sharp pull. I would roll the ball into my back in tiny motions while laying on it and I intended to increase pressure. The area hurting the worse was specific at the edges of my blade. When this happens, it also becomes painful to lift my head, and the pull and tearing sensation in my neck can be intense.

Tissue, fascia began loosening, maybe a tight muscle, or combination.

Earlier yesterday when I completed my 3 songs of music movement therapy I didn’t use my weights. It was more important to me to achieve my physical exercise than stress over the weights. Plus, I still used my arms in movement the entire 14 minutes.

I think I mentioned some time ago that I’ve also used a rolling pin on my legs for CRPS, Arthritis and Fibro. It helps sore flesh and muscles for me. It relieves some of that visceral all over bruising feeling.

I do have to push through the allodynia and hyperalgesia at times.

The item/tool, touching, hyper sensitivity isn’t pleasant either but nothing hurts more than those pains building to a flare I can’t get myself out of and which leads to major depression as a result.

Again, I have no medications, treatments, or medical/pain care.

I share these tools so that others might be able to ease and relieve themselves, especially those who either choose to live naturally or were, like myself, fired and abandoned by their pain managers.

My greatest goal in all of this is to keep myself, and hopefully others, from becoming suicidal due to pain.

I’ve been there too many times already.

I wish you all pain eased days and nights.