Stronger Than Pain

“However weak our hearts may be, we are not that weak we cannot stand the pain, and, however strong we may be, we are not so strong that pain can’t touch us!”

https://www.facebook.com/StrongerThanPain/

Stronger Than Pain Cover

 

IG: Stronger Than Pain

 

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The Last 6 Months

It’s been 9 months since my husbands 3rd heart attack. Our son Ozra released his first Album Make Better A priority late June. My paternal Grandma passed onto the next at 103 years of age.

#MakeBetterAPriority Album Cover

 

These 2 men featured Ozra known then as Lil Oz on their tracks. Reunited once more with Deus and David V. many years later for Make Better a Priority.

Available on all digital markets. Search: Kurtis Ozra.

I found a physician who’d agree to review my medical records, WC, after 2 years without a provider. I met him 1 time. WC denied his request for 6 followups. He put in for me 6 with him and 6 psych also. I was approved for psych which will determine my need to see him (future medical). I met him in April. I haven’t been allowed (or covered for) to see him since.

I continue to do all I can for myself.  Holistic.

I may be high risk for a completed suicide as a result of uncontrolled physical pain. I know this. I have a solid plan in place if I can’t anymore again. This plan is for my beautiful family to support and implement on my behalf.

I haven’t felt that way, you know the one? No other way out? for 18 months now.

Depression yes, I’m not suicidal.

Sometimes now, when people are like I’m on this med and that one, and have back up for breakthrough because I have the “worse pain ever known to man”, In my head I’m like…

Do you have any idea what it takes to stay alive and have none of that? I’m taken as being better off.  I’m assumed to be able to handle what others cannot.

Anyone’s pain is the worse pain ever when it’s their own pain.

On my own since February of 2016.

Of 4 suicide attempts I was held for being a danger to myself on the first and the last.

I’ve survived.

Hurts like hell still sometimes ya know.

My mindset is,

If you don’t have faith in me, how could I ever have faith in you.  I don’t.

Additionally, I understand the physician is also controlled, need to care for their own lives, families and they deal with much burnout.

Welcome to slavery.

 

Pronunciation

In early November I made a short video referring people to iPain for NERVEmber. It was the last video I would do, speaking. I faked it fairly well.

As I continue forward, it hasn’t been without other things worsening.  One of them is the ability to speak and pronounce words properly. Leaving my accent aside, I can’t properly speak 2 of my children’s names, or many others, yet it’s dependent on the letters involved. Words, sentences. I’ve been ‘re learning another language. If I can’t speak English properly, how can I speak a foreign language.

I will.

It’s taken a few months to accept this as part of my future. Its taken internal deep digging to love my self as being me, no matter, instead of what others expect me to be or even what they were used to. 

Currently, I’m working on being able to let others hear me again without embarrassment or feeling less than. 

I’m reminded that …

It’s okay to be different

That’s what makes me

Original

Stronger Than Pain 
(Edited to reflect a letter error in the title) 

Month in Review

The pipes in our sons apartment burst and 4 families were displaced in the quad plex. He’s living in a extended stay in the next city over for 6 weeks. 

Our oldest daughter was hired as a branch manager to a new energy company that will compete with PG&E. 

Dan and Rikki are still working on their new life in Texas. 

I’m taking care of my husband the best I can and him me. 

I was reunited with co workers, friends of many years through my long time bestie of 30 years. We’re all meeting up on the 6th with our husbands included. We’re all original couples, too. 

We all met and began working together, yep, 30 years ago. 

We worked for Mr. Eppie who also founded the popular Eppies Great Race in Sacramento. He passed away a few years ago. I have fond memories of us all volunteering at the major event as well.  eppiesgreatrace.org 

I worked for Eppies between 1987 and 1996. I started as an 18 year old hostess, and advanced to lead serve. I departed as an assistant manager. 

So many amazing memories. 

I’ll always believe that playing softball for Sacramento for so many years prior afforded me the ability to work on my feet for so many years. These would lead to me being able to stay out of a wheel chair permanently in the years to come. 

In 2 months I’ll be back in my kiddie pool in an effort to continue to remain out of one. 

Tomorrow will be a month since I injured my ankle. My CRPS foot. It’s taken a month but I’m healing myself again without medical care. Last time was without too, so was having the flu. I didn’t lay up with the injury, I did take breaks. I used topical reliever, wrapped it in Epsom salts moistened with a dab of water. The worse was the pull behind my knee, back of my leg. Ibuprofen.

February 6, 2018


Today, February 11, 2018

I haven’t been able to wear shoes again yet, other than slippers and my open back orthotic sandals, and that’s okay for now.
Awesome things are happening for Stronger Than Pain. It can take years sometimes and that’s okay, too. Lectures and presentations have already been given, offline. 

There’s just one more thing. We represent suicide prevention, mental health. 

I won’t be bullied in any capacity. Not as a disabled person and not as an abled one. If I allowed myself to be, I wouldn’t be a very good advocate for those who are used, abused and taken advantage of. 

Example. A little girl wears a custom made barrette in her hair to school. Someone else wants it and takes it and let’s everyone else believe it was theirs.

If it’s not yours, you’re not entitled to it. Ever. 

Mid Week Review

My daughter’s and grandson arrived at my parents in Manchester Georgia around midnight on the 15th/16th. 

My new injury is healing as well as it can be. It’s heading on a week since it occurred. I’ve continued to use it as normal as possible.I resumed my kitchen counter stretches yesterday. 

Nearly a week later.

Since the original injury in 2001, I’ve never been able to roll off that foot. Heel to toe. A little unsteady. I call it clumsy.  I haven’t been able to run, but since MLT I have been able to jog in place. I’ve made it up too 100 Steps. 
In a few days I’ll re start again at 10. I’ve already been moving my toes as well as ankle raises. My counter stretches yesterday did cause the scrape to tear and bruising to pull. It may have hurt and it could have told me don’t even try. Don’t do anything just keep hurting. Afterwards I elevated. It takes pain to fight pain just like it takes fire to fight fire. 

I increased my Turmeric intake and used my topical mix I made for the dog bite. By the way, it couldn’t be doing any better 18 days later.

I briefly mentioned that a physician has agreed to review my records for new patient consideration. His lady is requesting them directly from the adjuster and I’ve also requested that they be sent from the attorney as well. 

The Bay Area Pain and Wellness Center is similar to where I was for 12 years. Functional Restoration program, multi disciplinary, ideals I believe in. 

I attended and completed a 6 week, full day FRP in 2009. I started within a week of a full revision SCS surgery. Initially permanently implanted in 2006.

If I could have MLT 2-3 times a year I would. What I’m hopeful for is a physician who can assist my rough points so that I can continue to do my home PT, my post MLT protocols and assist me in maintaining my SCS. I haven’t had a provider for it for 2 years either. 

I look forward to a physician knowledgeable in CRPS reviewing my records. And this because I was a model patient, in compliance, and I loved my last pain management provider and all those I established great relationships with over the years. I just don’t love that day when I.was let go during the most physically and emotionally unsteady weeks of my life. 

What I’ll always be appreciative of is that the lead man at the FRC Mr. Wurster continued to see me and provide LLLT and Bowen weeks after I was terminated at the clinic. After a couple of months I stopped going, I knew he went out on a limb for me and I didn’t want conflict for him. Me, always worried about someone else. I thank him still.

The point is Dr. Levin gave me an LSB 3 weeks before. If I was a bad person or bad patient that would have never taken place. It was my follow-up appointment for that block, my scheduled appointment combined, my SCS integrity check, and to reveal that first suicide attempt 9 days before. Where I had already reached out with embarrassment and insecurity asking to speak with or meet in person the psych staff. No one responded. I know the practice was switching hands and chaos existed. It was no more my fault than it was theirs not being able to keep up on patients.

I’m not sure what I could have done right or better during that appointment to have changed the outcome. Be your own best advocate they say.

2 years yesterday I accepted the Bakken Award in person. I went without any pain relieving assistance, I was withdrawing from Cymbalta and Zonegran hard. I had oral surgery days before. I could barely walk, barely talk, I was dangling on the edge. I wish that entire experience was different. 

A month to the day I would choose to bail from this world for the first time. 

Really in hindsight it was all meant to go the way that it did because I learned that f I wanted to live, regardless of diagnosis’,  regardless of pain, regardless, I’d have to do that by my own self will. 

I have. 

My grandson is celebrating his 12th birthday with his grandparents. 

There are angels among us.

His actual birthday is February 2nd. I quit drinking that day last year. After all was said and done, I haven’t misused alcohol since. 
Progress continues…

Opioids, Pain Relief, Progress

The Pain News Network reported https://www.painnewsnetwork.org/stories/2018/1/11/an-open-letter-to-my-senator  An Open Letter To My Senator.

I read this man’s story and my heart tugged hard. I have his same diagnosis’ and a few more. Pain hurts.

Some people are under the assumption that I’m either against opioid therapy or that because I’m not using them that I’m some how opposed to them or just not in the same pain or similar need.

I’ve already gone through what so many are going through now. I’ve testified on behalf of pain patients, I was on the CDC conference call that ended up establishing the guidelines. Additionally, my written response is part of the record, too. I did a lot on behalf of pain awareness. I should.have been doing more for myself.

I speak of my progress and healing because people need to know that it wasn’t my choice to be discarded, dismissed, or thrown away. It eventually, after choosing to end my life on 4 separate occasions (after) became my choice to go on without medication management, or Pain Management because what else was I supposed to do? It became my choice to stay.
I still don’t have a provider for CRPS. February will be 2 years. 

What I had was MLT right in the nick of time. Next week will be a year since the last time. 

What I have now is post.MLT protocols that keep me stable enough. Enough.

Now that I’ve come through it, cleansed my body of all the yuck my goal is to still remain off medications. This is because 16 years of meds regardless of their assistance also damaged my ability to manage myself. Acupuncture, PT, psych aspects to pain is what I’m most interested in. Cymbalta never again.

I reached out via email to another provider today. Not close to my home. Hours away. I’ll figure out transportation upon any acceptance. 

Since I began writing this, I did receive a call back almost immediately for my records to be sent for review. PeterAbaci.com 

Grateful. 

Father Like Son 

Or is it son like father? I’ve mentioned before that I was a few months from 30 when our son was born. His dad already was. Our daughter’s were born nearly a decade earlier. 

We all had a blast tonight. I had them rolling in laughter. Several times. 

I loved that. I loved sharing their laughter. 

But mostly I loved being the reason for it. 

Quick witted, on the fly, hilarious. 

They’re both alpha males and because of that they’ve sometimes clashed. A dominant can’t go up against a dominant without one of them submitting unless a respect settles a discussion, feud, or compromise. 

As wolves in the wild they’d most likely kill one another. As humans its possible for both to remain and thrive among each other.

The alpha may become ill, age, deteriorate, but when his pup grows into his equal and is right there to carry his load? And his pack? As the only blood to carry his name, uphold his wishes and protect his property? 

Ozra, Jasmine, and Erik. January 13, 2018. Old Spaghetti Factory. Sacramento.

He knows that his puppy provided when he couldn’t and that he himself is working on expressing his love and gratitude without growling. 

One is 20, the other is 50.
Padre como hijo.