Triple Wide Down

Consider this a mix of humor, seriousness and heart.

Okay, so my butt has been a total breaking down triple wide since I was in my early 30’s and after CRPS. For those of you who need some visual that means my health related issues gifted me a triple wide ass and one that I should have never accepted. Deteriorating as a result of everything I didn’t do for it! You know like “I gotta big butt and I cannot lie?” I’m thrilled to report that it’s a double wide now. Β πŸ˜›

Goals

Make my double wide even better. (I’ll show you when my mood tells me to. Lol)

Try not to build so much muscle that people who try to do me dirty don’t become my bitch! (Word porn: Perception and interpretation. I’ll never tell)

Try not to do things with the shake weight that other people find offending. (Focus on the ones who love it. :))

serenity-prayer

Stronger Than Pain

 

 

 

 

12

I’ve talked about weightless water activity and being able to increase movement in my kiddie pool. Today I did 12 girl push ups without water. I reached 5 and I was like OMG that’s enough, but I went for 6 and then I told myself just one more so I did. I reached 8 and knew I should probably stop, but I didn’t. 10! Come on cry baby you can do another one. I did 2 more and 12 was it!

I’m so sore. My right side fingers started pulsating and that arm started throwing a fit. I took some Ibuprofen and then a nap.

Here’s my dilemma. My goal will need to always be 12 now +. Ugh! I know it’s new pain so there isn’t anything negative about it. I know the old pain will sometimes be instigated by pushing myself. I just don’t want to feel like if I don’t make the 12 I’ve gone backwards somehow. I’ve done this to myself several times before. Overdoing new efforts and increasing pain levels as a result. I also put on some Voltaren Gel before I fell asleep.

Last time I increased pain was from spinal movements in both my lumbar and cervical spine. Ouch! That was a little rough. It was about 5 weeks ago I think and lasted a few days. This is why I don’t have the time I want to have in other things offline or online. These routines and movements take up a fair majority of my days and I’m just whooped after.

How many want to even attempt doing things like these or even care to spend much of the day doing it? Hardly no one. Some won’t do 5 minutes a day. It wouldn’t have been my first choice for long term pain stability and the constant efforts in rehabilitating my own body wouldn’t have happened either if after having MLT, a sheet of paper was tossed at me with physical therapy therapies to try to achieve on my own that I couldn’t reach in all that horrible pain. . It’s hard!

Nearly everyone who goes to outpatient PT is sent home with exercises to perform as self therapy. Some people try, others throw it away, a few actually get through those at all and most don’t continue trying because expectations are set up for failure. Some people need help to even be able to move themselves, or parts of themselves. I never in a million years thought I would ever reach any of this. It could be that being forced to by not having any other pain care is what made that difference for me after the Gohl Method.

I don’t want to wither away from any pain or illness and I don’t want my future to be nothing but disabilities. I’ve accomplished something else too in it all. It’s a habit to do these stretches and movements each day without having to remind myself and it’s a habit even when I don’t feel well at all.

This is why I needed a year and why I may need another one before I can be active in advocacy again. I can’t worry about the internet so much right now, time spent here, would be accumulated aches and pains too.

Even those people who didn’t have any pain issues, the working class, end up having pain from sedentary positions. It’s why ergonomic work stations were developed in order to reduce complications in one’s body.

Reducing or removing stress factors are important also because the body itself feels stress as physical pain. Stress isn’t just in the mind. Relaxation, meditation, breathing exercises, a little yoga has all benefited me in the water and out of it.

Easier said than done, I know.

I’m hopeful that eventually energy will increase and I’ll get at least 5 decent years out of it all.

images - beach

 

 

Cutting Hair

My anxiety has been a little high over doing something I haven’t done in many years. My husband asked me to cut his hair a couple of weeks ago. I use to cut his hair, our children’s hair, family, I did a few friends as requested. I use to do body piercings for others. I’ve pierced brows, I’ve done Monroe’s, I’ve done bellies, nose etc. That’s something I’ll most likely never do for anyone again. I’ve been asked, I’ve declined. My hand isn’t quite that steady anymore, but I think it’s steady enough to cut his hair.

His hair is really long right now. It’s close to being as long as mine. His hair is curly so the worse result is that any errors will be hidden in shorter curls or would need to be fixed by a professional.

Learning to reduce fears of trying again isn’t always easy, yet to try at all is rewarding. If I wasn’t trying some of these things again, I wouldn’t have ever gotten this far and I doubt I’d get any further.

In pain we stop doing the things that pain prevents us from. We don’t want to hurt more, we don’t want to instigate spreads, or flare ups, we stop using what hurts and we also stop it for the rest of our bodies and the result is deterioration, more diagnoses’, gastrointestinal issues and it’s not all a direct result of originating illness itself. It’s partially due to non use after the fact.

A few months ago, post MLT, the feeling in my middle finger returned, my index finger while arthritic has most of it’s feeling back. It’s just my thumb, inner palm and the part of my wrist that’s connected to my thumb that doesn’t feel fully.

work-in-progress-24027_960_720

I wish you all pain eased days and nights.

Movement

I love being outside. It’s really peaceful. I did an hour and a half of water workouts. I don’t know yet if calling them workouts is fair. It might seem misleading. All I know is they are workouts to me and I’m going to be really sore tomorrow.

I woke early this morning, prepped dinner, and got a few other things done by the break of dawn. I had slept in late a couple of days in a row and needed to stop that before it became easier to do again.

I was breathing in the late morning air when I started thinking about summer time being over and it being colder outside. I thought that would be the perfect time to use my treadmill. I haven’t quite made it that far yet. I know the weightless water activity is helping more and more each day because movement itself isn’t as difficult. Not in the water that is. There is some difficulty at times not knowing if I should back off a little or continue pushing my threshold. Sometimes I think I’m suppose to be sore because it means I’m succeeding. I remind myself that I haven’t been in horrible pain for months as a result of movement and that I’m doing fairly well not being on pain medication or anti-depressants and that my determination to help myself exceeds any worrisome downfall physically or emotionally that hasn’t come back since my full on self maintenance began.

I love laughing, smiling, being playful, and funny. I dislike having not lost a single pound. Ha! Let me try to give myself some positive affirmations. But you did go down the pant sizes and you have increased muscle. Phew! I’m glad I did that. ~laughs

Anyway, I’m stuck on a series. I started Wentworth and then I started Orange Is The New Black. They both bored me and then Wentworth won for now. I’ve heard so much about Orange Is The New Black that I gave it a go. The first episode didn’t make me feel tingly inside with entertainment.

I’m heading back outside for another hour and then I’m going to be a little lazy and splurge on a couple of episodes before making dinner.

Tomorrow’s going to be a hotter one.

Sunshine

 

 

 

Courses of Study

 

I’ll be starting a couple of courses soon in subjects of interest and which will be useful in any career or advocacy goals. I’m looking forward to learning more and I’m hopeful that I can pass the finals to receive the certification’s.

It’s an opportunity for continued education while deciding if Vocational Rehab can even begin this year.

I’m still reading Anatomy and Physiology books and I’m just beginning Section 5: The Musculoskeletal System in one of them. I’m really excited about that section. I’m still relearning Spanish.

I suppose the most important part of it all is that however slow at it I am right now, I’m gaining and regaining knowledge in diverse subject matter and that’s enlightening.

images - education

Exhausted

It’s been a fairly active last couple of weeks. Active for me as I still don’t get out on any kind of daily basis and doing so even a couple of times a week wipes me out. I try to get out as much as I can in order to increase my ability to do so. I do have an appointment with my pulmonary sleep specialist next month to consider changing my sleep disorders medication. I do still use that one. My newer dream machine is helping for the apnea’s again but not in a way that lets me wake up feeling awake and refreshed. They always told me that the machine should provide that. I can see how it’s suppose to as if it assists us to breathe at night then a better quality of sleep should be restored which would mean not as tired. Makes sense. I just don’t feel refreshed in any way. I take the Nuvigil. Actually the generic Armodafinil since it’s now available in that form. The older medication Adderall is what I’m hoping he’ll switch me to even if only for a trial period to test for positive or negative reactions.Β Nuvigil vs Adderall, The only draw back for me might be an inability to sleep instead because it’s stimulant properties are different from Nuvigil. Nuvigil I can fall asleep on no problem. In other words it doesn’t make me unable to sleep at night. It’s a stimulant but not an amphetamine. Β It’s fairly short acting and there isn’t any withdrawal when not having it. 2 months ago I was out of it for an entire month and dozed or slept more than anything else.

I’m still working through all the extra issues that complied on me. Fixing each of them the best that I can. If I have no energy and I’m dragging or just want to sleep it’s harder to do my stretches and routines and if I don’t do those my physical self would continue to deteriorate and I can’t let that happen. Right now my limbs are usable, weak, but stable. I have built up a lot of muscle and returned atrophic areas into less waste yet I can’t seem to lose any actual weight which has to happen in order for me to weight bear and increase movement with less effort.

I’m still making more dinners and enjoying doing so, but I prep it earlier in the day in order to cook it when it’s time. In a way it seems like that’s more work when I could just do it all at the same time. It could be too that doing it that way makes me feel like I’m accomplishing more while also minimizing exerting myself all at once.

I colored my hair a week or so ago. I had so much old mixed blondes in it, the natural dark, and yes silver too (getting old ya know) that I put a dark purple on it to make it all closer to one color again. I want to refrost blonde back into it but I don’t even have the energy for that. I know my husband will help me pull the strands through the cap but my energy level is low for that too. I use to keep it all blonde, I dislike my natural very dark hair, but it’s a lot of up keep, so I just pull the streaks through it and leave the rest dark for a couple of years at a time. My mom had 2 frosting kits and sent me home with one of them.

I wanted to find local work but instead I’m reviewing vocational training so that I can attempt to do something else with my life. My memory issues are bothersome and my ability to retain knowledge is slow. In order to do VR I’d have to rely on my husband to get me to and from. I don’t think I could make it/walk it yet to the bus stop each time without having to sit on someone’s lawn or the sidewalk. I’m still working on my own ability to drive again. At one point I was referred to assistive transportation for people with disabilities but I didn’t have the guts to pursue that option even though it’s suppose to help us be more independent. There’s people out in the world that need those services more than I.

I already started laundry, need to replace bedding today, get outside, do some reading, work on my goals but I don’t think any kind of dinner is getting done today. Not unless the sunshine boosts my energy or inspires me to do so. πŸ™‚

I already want to take a nap tomorrow

Check out

I spent the morning with my family before check out. Last night was suppose to be G’bye for now, but my husband took me back over this morning so that I could braid my moms hair and see her one more time. They should arrive back home in Georgia in about 10 days.

I was spoiled with other life stories I had never heard, a new bathing suit (Okay not really new but brand new to me. It was my little sisters new one :)). I was spoiled with precious time, love, and new memories with them. They gifted me with a new hip/shoulder bag from Disneyland. I felt like a little kid again. My littlest sister asked me again to move to Georgia, my mom wishes I could. I had made plans to go last year yet there would be so much to do in order to. I’d either have to sell my home or rent it out, repair it before any of that and just toss most of it away. While I want to my biggest concern or worry if you will is letting it all go to start over and then if I lost them I’d be left in a place that’s not my home. It’s only my home because it’s theirs and I’ve never lived there. Home is where the heart is until the heart no longer exists.

I can adapt to change because I have to. I don’t favor it otherwise and I rather not seek it to find it. Ha! Change is really the only thing that’s constant.

β€œThe way up and the way down are one and the same”. ~Heraclitus

This year has truly been a blessing on so many levels. I’ve come so far in such little time. Enlightened at a much higher level. As an empath/sensitive I always carried my pain and yours. And while I may not ever be able to set that aside, I know better to remove myself from such pains that instigate my own.

My physical pain is manageable without any medications. My emotional stability is stable. Neither of these are to insinuate they no longer exist but instead show that even in trauma regardless of the type or anything overlapping that our animal instinct as humans can guide our survival.

What a ride it’s been!

RSD/CRPS and other conditions as well stimulate the stress response. Fight or Flight. Fight or run away. Fight, flight or freeze as it’s also come to be known. If your hungry you’re going to find your food. If you’re threatened your survival instinct is to survive. If you’re in pain your instinct would be to relieve it. Pain of any kind effects our minds. Some people are enraged to hear such things because they have to defend their pain as not being mental. It’s all mental. Without your brain, you’re mind, we couldn’t feel pain therefore mental health is always a coexisting factor.

Isolation.

Aside from having not driven but a handful of times in 17 years due to the CRPS injury and having to rely on my husband and then my children to go anywhere at all and the fact that my drivers license continues to dangle on the edge of suspension due to Narcolepsy, I’m more interested in being able to again than saying I never will.

I’m more interested in recognizing other peoples pain than I am in awareness right now. I love listening to other people’s stories because lets face it everyone is unique in what they endure. Without those people there isn’t anything to raise awareness for.

I didn’t want to see my mom go but I have to adapt again to not having her. I will.

Ozra, Me and Mom - June 30, 2017 resized

June 30th, 2017. Saying G’bye before they drove to Disneyland and the last time my son would be with his grandparents on this trip.

My son has only met his grandparents a few times in his life. My mom and my step father. He’s never met my dad as he was already deceased 6 years before Ozra was born. Ozra has never met his paternal grandparents because they both died years before his birth. I can still remember his little voice asking me “Why didn’t they stay to meet me”?Heartbreaking. Our daughters being much older than him had the privilege of meeting all of them and they do retain vague memories. Happy ones.

Ozra and Mom resized

I have a really tall son! Us girls are all shorties. I’m actually the tallest of my mom and my sister (the one she gave birth to, not my adopted sister. Wait! I’m taller than Rosie, too! :)). My sons dad, my husband of 30+ years is inches shorter. His sisters (Same father of course) have no height either. Our second daughter Rikki is an inch taller than I. Kharisma didn’t get an extra inch. ~laughs. Our grandson is already taller than me and he’s 11.

Progress continues.

If I don’t get outside to my little pool and do my routines, I’ll dwell on not having done it. πŸ˜›

I love you mom!