I’m still sober. As some of you know, I was drinking to relieve pain associated with CRPS, nerve damage, neuropathy, spinal disorders, and a handful of other things. I’ve also mentioned that while it did help some it also worsened my depression.
In heightened pain, I over think. The worse for me is reliving old traumas, or becoming anxious over things I’ll never be able to change.
We’ll never be able to change anything in the past. We can only change today.
During this sobriety, I’ve been struggling to cope with a situation that developed prior to me quitting drinking and has escalated since.
I’ll need to be vague in order to express myself. I’m not able to reveal what it is. Not here or anywhere else.
It’s not something that I’ve done and it’s not directly related to me yet it is a heavy hurt to carry.
I previously spoke of distraction. This is also something I very much need to be distracted from. I feel deeply pained over it and heartachingly helpless.
If this would’ve happened 3 years ago, I’d have most likely had a drink over it. I’d have lost my shit over this much more than I already have.
I’ve adjusted the volume on pain and emotions.
If I don’t keep myself emotionally stable I’m no good to anyone. This much I know. I do minimize often. In this regard, when someone asks how I’m doing, I just say, okay, or something similar, sometimes with playful rhetoric.
Aren’t most of us the same? We have no one to really talk to, who’ll remain loyal. And we often tell one another “You’re not alone”. The problem with that is that while it’s a nice thing to say, many, are in fact, alone. Some people will listen just to gossip or reveal you to others. The person we could trust, we hesitate to reach out because we don’t want to put our crap on them.
Venting doesn’t help and revealing provokes commentary and opinion.
I know I’d have the support of many with love, care and prayer and I also know that the lurkers and stalkers that don’t support or offer kindness for anything, yet watch your every move, would have a field day as if they’re some kind of perfect in there own lives. Some thrive on judgement.
You might wonder how adjusting my volume on pain and emotions help me. It’s the peace comes with it. No drama comes of it.
The downfall is keeping parts of our lives to ourselves and therefore going through things alone.
Sharing positivity, inspirations, funnies, and my grandchildren are generally the best way out of emotional moments for me. On Factbook, and social media, that is.
My physical self just continues to decline. Depression, I have to keep tucked away or honestly I become more depressed. Let’s face it, a lot people don’t much want to be around unwell people. It doesn’t matter if its physical, mental, alcohol abuse or addiction. I can hardly blame them.
The hardest part of this is that I still have no medical help for my life and so I’m limited in what I can do and the main reason I can’t do what I may have otherwise been able to accomplish with medical assistance.
I have no choice but to endure. I just pray that eventually life’s pileups ease and become less frequent.
I need a break.