Complex Regional Pain Syndrome

New Injuries After CRPS

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Tonight begins the 3rd day since I re injured my right foot. Any number of reasons could have been the cause. For one, I’ve been somewhat overdoing myself in healing, progress and maintaining pain levels. I refused to miss doing my stretches, or routine, even when I caused myself pain unrelated to any illness or injury. Pain that was a result of not moving or using muscles and bones for too many years. A good pain even if it hurt because no matter it was progress forward. I’ve re injured myself several times over the years and always with the same result in flareups and associated issues. Until the Gohl Program.

Another reason could have been that I’m so tired I was just absent minded to make the step I intended to, another could be I had just gotten off the slider not long before and my back was sore and my knees wobbly. That’s why I left it down in the first place. I wasn’t finished using it. I’m still fairly weak and don’t do big sets at once. I learned my lesson already. Mostly. I mis judged stepping over the bottom metal leg of the machine as I moved toward the doorway and as a result stepped entirely on it with all my weight, left hand grabbing the dresser to keep me from falling, and my foot was still on it. My entire right side was heavy on it.

While both the bottom and top is bruised it’s the bottom that’s worse. When I weight bear the knot on the bottom presses into the ground and the rest of the knot in the center pushes upward through to the top. (insert potty mouth words) but I’m still walking on it.

Normally people with RSD or CRPS wouldn’t use ice. I did. I’m getting rid of my worries and hurts and I can’t let using an ice pack be one of them. Not at this point. I didn’t have any adverse reactions. I did put a dry wash cloth between it and my skin. Voila! No problem.

Bending my toes isn’t happening right now. I’ve manually bent them. You know like how the 5 little piggies went to the market. Anyway, I’m not kidding.

I sometimes miss that quarter beat. In other words, I’ve never been a whole note. Ha!

Of course it’s something that’s a total bummer. Especially after having worked so hard these last 6 months.

It’s going to be most interesting to find out how long it takes to recover and be standing on my toes again.

As it heals from where it is now, I’ll keep working with my upper body and spine. Once the bruising and swelling comes down I’ll know better how much of a setback it may have caused. I do have a soft back support brace on now and it’s only so that my spine doesn’t shift as I’m unable to walk right. I’m minimizing anything that can get in my way of continued healing and anything that can cause the injury to want to get out of line.

I’ve come way too far and fairly fast after 16 years to fall behind now. I can’t stop, I’m obsessed, or maybe possessed. Both?

I helped my husband carry in bags from the car today when he asked for my help. That could go 2 ways. Either why would he even have asked knowing I hurt myself or I could be glad I got myself up to do it even so. I could have said no? I’ll stick with being glad.

I’ll re ice again today. Yep, I’m starting over it a way, but I’m not starting all over from last year. That foot has had tendons and ligaments torn off bones, chip fractures, entrapment’s, surgeries, scars, dings and much more. CRPS, Achilles tendinitis, arthritis, osteo, heel spurs, plantar fasciitis, etc and so forth.

Looking forward to learning how fast I can reverse and heal from another new injury to a CRPS extremity using post MLT routines.
I’m keeping a log and photos. I’ll share any delays or progress.

All I need to know now is who has the voodoo doll?

220px-Poupée_vaudou - image source- wikipedia

MLT and Stretching

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MLT and Stretching
Animals, house pets, dogs and cats stretch continuously. We watch them as they roll around, stretching to wake, stretching during the day and before they sleep, manipulating their limbs, working out their aches and pains, stressors, assisting their muscles, joints, bones, internal organs.. their tendons to be usable and movable.
In considering our own bodies it would make sense that if we do the same we could minimize pain and weakness in ourselves.
Animals with ailments or who are aging still stretch.
As people, the majority of us don’t. Those with pain related diseases, illnesses or syndromes believe that because of pain they either can’t or shouldn’t.
Imagine what we do to ourselves by not doing so. Imagine that while we think we’re doing ourselves good or better in pain, we aren’t.
As pain worsens and tendons tighten, muscles waste and bones and tissue deteriorate, we deteriorate.
Add emotional trauma, past or present, life, work, day to day activities, triggers, etc and the natural ability to heal ourselves decline.
Nearly all of us are taught to keep our garbage to ourselves, especially, psychological trash. Don’t tell it, don’t talk about it, and don’t bring your negativity on the family. After all, you might become an adverse reflection, yes?
People learn to protect and defend others before themselves.
What happens as a result? Pain.
It’s not just our minds that carry memories, our physical bodies do also. Flesh, organs, tendons, muscles, tissue contain memories and recall of both physical and psychological trauma.
Manual Ligament Therapy (MLT) releases those memories in the body via direct hands-on methods.
Stretching daily activates well being, promoting proper blood flow through the extremities, minimizes or eliminates inflammation, restores healthy cell production. Cells are constantly multiplying. Damaged cells would copy themselves as damaged cells, and healthy cells duplicate to be healthy again.
Only in the most severe cases would the likelihood of cell replenishment be less possible. Generally the abnormal structure of chromosomes themselves dictate a negative outcome.
Even in autoimmunity where the body attacks itself the possibility still exists to change the path inside us. Our bodies “learn” just as our minds do. If it only knows pain, all it might ever know is the same. Reverse it and it might re learn that pain isn’t a lifetime sentence.
Abnormal processing Vs pain perception.
It might not be easy, yet it’s possible.
Imagine what people carry inside them. Once physical pain begins it will resume until the cycle is broken or reversed.
Release physical and emotional trauma and most of us could heal ourselves.
We don’t live in that world yet, but if we could?
~Twinkle VanFleet, GohlProgram.com
Posted as a Note on Facebook January 29, 2017
believe

Facebook Deactivation | RSD(S)-CRPS Advisory Info & Support Group

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By December 2nd my Facebook was deactivated. Even though I had considered it over the years, I was worried about losing my group and pages as a result, especially my RSD(S)-CRPS Advisory Info & Support Group created 13 years ago at another location. It was a spontaneous decision and one I have not regretted once.

This Group now belongs to Trudy Thomas featured Blog Talk Radio Host of The Body, Mind and Spirit Network and honorary leader of my group since it was moved to Facebook. If I choose to return it will be both Trudy’s and mine. Craig Fletcher remains an Admin/Leader and Erik and Kurtis VanFleet remain admins for the purpose of recovery. So that there are no misunderstandings Trudy is now me for the Group. Her decisions are as the current owner of the group. I have no doubts in her ability, choices, or decisions. I trust her to fulfill my vision, passion and purpose for which it was founded for.

Trudy is not available for drama, or he say’s she say’s. She would be available as able, as I was, in the event of an emergency situation such as specific breaking of the rules that were established long ago, or those being malicious or instigating toward one another. I may be involved from the background with updates from Trudy though I will not require them.

I’ll always want to know if all is okay. That’s because I care a bit too much and to my own detriment. Being an empath/sensitive only causes me to feel your pain, feelings, thoughts, dislikes, and emotions I rather not feel of you because then I’m over flowing with mine and yours, too.

Trudy is learning to live again and without her husband Mel of over 40 years. It’s only been a month since she lost him to inoperable cancer which had only been discovered 4 months before.

About 2 months ago I had posted on Facebook about Trudy, her situation, about someone we all knew (most of us) and it was a long post but I hadn’t shared who she was. This post was taken so far out of context from a few people believing I was talking about myself that I was dumbfounded. This wasn’t the only post misunderstood. I’ve posted random comments about family, life. I’ve shared meme’s, music, lyrics, poetry that of other’s and some of my own. I’ve shared lines or stanza’s in pieces and parts. Even those are taken adverse. I’m well aware that once it’s on the internet it’s always on the internet. I’m aware that if we make a post that we can’t expect others to comment if we put ourselves out there. Of course. I would never hop onto someone else’s page to scold them or entice an argument. I have however replied on my own page when someone bounces onto mine.

My point is that not everything is internet or online related, and sometimes things are. In this post it was online related, yet taken as something else, when an offline related post is assumed to be about online people. The perception is so often opposite of the intent. Left to interpretation by tone of type. The assumed tone of voice or mannerisms in the typed form of communication.

Please be mindful of Trudy’s loss. My heart continues to break for her.

Facebook is nothing but a trigger for me in my own healing and progress.

The Edge. There is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over.
~Hunter S. Thompson

I’m still doing well since completing the Gohl Program on the 28th of October and will continue to provide progress updates on Manual Ligament Therapy (MLT) as able.

I’m still on Twitter @rsdcrpsfire and my other social media accounts are in tact at this time. I’m still an avid researcher and as hungry to learn as I’ve ever been. I’m also looking for work to attempt to provide for my husband and I.

Since resigning from iPain I have not joined any other organization, nor will I. I’ll share and support as I always had.

I made it to the California State Capital to support Mr. Nate Torgerson, Chief Engineer, Medtronic Stimulation Pain Therapies on December 4th at the California International Marathon where I was right there near the finish line to support him as he crossed it.

medtronic-nate-torgerson-crosses-the-finish-line-california-international-marathon-december-4-2016-photo-by-twinkle-vanfleet-jpg-large

Medtronic Chief Engineer, Pain Stimulation Therapies Nate Torgerson crosses the finish line at the California International Marathon in Sacramento. Photo credit: Twinkle VanFleet

I had the honor and privilege of meeting him later that evening for dinner.

Great conversation, sharing, learning, and food at Zocalo’s in downtown Sacramento. He asked me about my experience winning the Live On Give On Bakken award, and I told him what a surprise it had been to learn that I had and the honor it was to receive it from the hands of Dr. Earl Bakken himself.  Dr. Bakken is the co founder of Medtronic. Forever grateful to be chosen as 1 of 12 recognized internationally and being 1 of 2 from the United States. Twinkle VanFleet, Sacramento California. 

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Twinkle VanFleet, Sacramento, CA, LiveOnGiveOn.org recipient. Original Press Release Photo.

Another honor was being contacted by Mr. Pat Anson of the Pain News Network to consider offering comment on an upcoming article. I accepted.

Opioid Pain Meds Rarely Involved in Suicide Attempts
December 05, 2016 By Pat Anson, Editor

I’ll keep sharing my story, what happened, how it happened, when it happened and anything else I can to support those lost by pain related suicide. As well as those survivors who can never go back to the moment before they attempted to take their own lives. I don’t get to go back and pray for an option, help, that wasn’t there but I can go forward understanding why they did it, what the breaking point was, how severe physical pain was to go against all they believed in just to be free from pain and suffering.

My casting calls are still booming with possibilities since I updated a couple of weeks ago. For now, I’m deciding, and brushing up on the various characters I can play.

Offline, I have an amazing reputation, respected in advocacy, legislation, held in wonderful regard by those that matter, including those in authority, business, politics, and healthcare even when in disagreement over a bill, debate or topic. Online, unless we already know each other, or have met in person it will rarely be the same because what you see isn’t always what you get and what you get isn’t what you’ve already given.

It’s all a stage.

Be good to one another.

~Twinkle VanFleet

#StrongerThanPain

NERVEmber – iPain Foundation

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NERVEmber ™ brings awareness to the 150 plus conditions that have nerve pain as a symptom.The International Pain Foundation host the OFFICIAL NERVEmber project events each year. Since its inception, tens of thousands of nerve pain patients and organizations have signed on to help promote NERVEmber. Did you know the color orange is the international color for chronic pain awareness. In over 150 conditions that do have nerve pain as a symptom, RSD is one of the most painful.  Yet this condition is misunderstood, mistreated and often misdiagnosed.#NERVEmber is International Nerve Pain Awareness Month (including RSD, CRPS, Diabetes, Neuropathy and more). Each day during the month of NERVEmber the iPain (@powerofpain) will present an awareness task that we can all perform!This year we are also giving away prizes available for everyone who registers to participate and uses the hashtags, complete tasks, host or attend an event. The more you participate in OFFICIAL #NERVEmber events, the more chances you have to win! Check out all events going on in NERVEmber Event Calendar.You can bring awareness to conditions like #RSD #CRPS #Diabetes by posting everyday in #NERVEmber with @powerofpain #PaintTheWorldOrange. Using these tags will earn you chances to win some great prizes!During November, the International Pain Foundation’s #NERVEmber project is also supporting the #CRPSdayofaction, #RSDdayofaction, @theproject3x5’s #OrangeInitiative, A voice for the people with CRPS – CRPS RSD Australian Network, United in the Fight for CRPS Awareness, #ColorTheWorldOrange, #ColourTheWorldOrange.Want to be a #iPain Super Advocate for NERVEmber and have extra chances to win! … Register HERE Thank you for visiting NERVEmber.org and don’t forget to visit NERVEmber™ on FACEBOOK.

See original Source for links.

Source: NERVEmber – iPain Foundation

Adjusting

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You don't owe anyone anything... You owe yourself everything. By Dyversiti. ResizedIt’s not all sugar plums and dancing fairies even when bodily pain is minimized to any degree.  Especially in the injury that led to RSD/CRPS and the devastating consequences that just hasn’t let me forget. It has nothing to do with the loss of work, inspirations, or goals that might have been. The regret has remained heavy because of the manipulation involved in a decision, one I would have never considered had I not been told from health care providers that doing so would prevent a detrimental outcome and allow possibility in recovering. The choice was for the ones I already had. I never got better and as a result I not only felt deceived but also used to reduce cost and care for both of us.

I’m trying to tell myself this is what it was for. Today!  It just took 15 years to get there. I’ve already told me how stupid I was for believing in others when I knew better and that led to future distrust. I had already overcome, mostly, other trust issues and there I learned to build my wall so much stronger than it was before.

So here I am still trying to clean up my own mess from the first few months of this year and its aftermath that’s only 7 months old that I can’t even throw away as garbage yet because it’s still active with a new appointment in just a couple of days.

Every day that I get better is another day that I ask myself why. What was it all for?

I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see.

 

 

Review – Gohl Program | Part 3

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Review – Gohl Program | Part 3

By Twinkle VanFleet

its-time-to-heal-by-kori-leigh

It’s time to heal by Kori Leigh

It’s important to understand that MLT isn’t a magic pill we get to swallow and become miraculously cured by. It’s the beginning of curing ourselves. Cure in medicine is defined as:

cure (kyur)
n.

  1. Restoration of health; recovery from disease.
  2. A method or course of treatment used to restore health.
  3. An agent that restores health; a remedy.
  4. cured , cur·ing , cures
  5. To restore a person to health.
  6. To effect a recovery from a disease or disorder.

Remission in Medicine is defined as:

remission re·mis·sion (rĭ-mĭsh’ən)
n.

  1. Abatement or subsiding of the symptoms of a disease.
  2. The period during which the symptoms of a disease abate or subside.

It’s not really difficult to understand that a cure is just as possible as remission can be. How? The answer is simply by restoring a person to health.

“Manual Ligament Therapy (MLT) is a new and original technique created by Arik Gohl. … We have learned that ligaments are a significant source of pain, especially in cases of chronic pain. Until injured ligaments can heal from their underlying dysfunction, muscles will remain in a tense and guarded state.”

I know what you’re thinking. If you have Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome that you’ll forever live a life of pain with potential spreading from the original site of injury to the rest of your body.

It can be true, but it doesn’t have to be. All of those symptoms, burning, allodynia (pain resulting from a stimulus (as a light touch of the skin) which would not normally provoke pain; also :  a condition marked by allodynia) hyperalgesia (increased sensitivity to pain or enhanced intensity of pain sensation), hyperesthesia (unusual or pathological sensitivity of the skin or of a particular sense)

I really don’t have either of the above anymore. My body is still learning not to feel sensations of pain while also recognizing those areas that aren’t hurting.  If anything its just hyperesthesia I’m working through. Example, sock me and I’ll feel that sensation long after the actual event. Like a repetitive action.

Keep in mind after years of pain, signals misfiring, injuries taking on abnormal healing paths, other areas of my body becoming effected beyond the site of the original injury that I have a main role to play in reversing these abnormalities. I have to reset my perception to pain by reversing all that my body knows, felt, and has learned as a result.

5 days of Manual Ligament Therapy has gotten me to this point. The custom orthotics is correcting every abnormal step I’ve taken since January of 2001.

You might be thinking manual? Yes, you’ll have to be touched, and you’ll have to move areas you’ve stopped using due to RSD/CRPS, chronic pain. This isn’t traditional physical therapy, you’ll actually feel restricted tissue, muscles, and a myofascial release of those symptoms and connective fibrous tissue eased.

What about burning which is the hallmark symptom of RSD? It’s eased the same way.

Currently MLT isn’t a covered therapy under insurance. Like many other integrative, complimentary, or holistic practices, including acupuncture, acupressure and similar therapies which may be beneficial we’re still legislatively working on these options for you.

MLT is non-invasive.

Another healing retreat will be held at the Sheraton Los Angeles International Airport beginning Monday, November 28, 2016. http://www.sheratonlax.com/

The cost for the treatment is $2,500 and doesn’t include travel or hotel. I know it sounds like a lot, but it’s not compared to a single injection or invasive procedure billed to insurance or accumulative and yearly co-pays.  For more information please contact Monica Depriest: Monica@gohlprogram.com

I’ll be present also to follow-up on my own therapy.

So with that I look forward to meeting you and hope that you’ll give yourself the opportunity to feel better. Sometimes it takes pain to get rid of it. It’s a process of not only healing but believing in yourselves enough to understand that’s it’s possible rather than impossible and pain being the rest of your lives.

To be continued…

Review – Gohl Program 

By Twinkle VanFleet

Part 1 – https://rsdadvisory.com/2016/10/31/review-gohl-program-part-1/

Part 2 – https://rsdadvisory.com/2016/11/06/review-gohl-program-part-2/

 

 

Review | Gohl Program | Part 1

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Review – Gohl Program

By Twinkle VanFleet

Approximately 3 weeks ago I was contacted by Barby Ingle, President of the International Pain Foundation with a program to consider. Barby sent me Dr. Edward Glaser’s phone number and a link to what the program entailed.

Those of you who know me would also know that I had to do more research on the Manual Ligament Therapy (MLT) being offered. I had to learn more! I had to try to understand the concept, and how it might work if it could. It wasn’t just the Gohl Program itself that I researched. I also pulled up each name involved. 3 of which were Dr. Glaser, Arik Gohl, and Dr. Forbes. Then I read up on Monica DePriest and her daughter Haley DePriest who had CRPS and who is well today because of the program and the techniques that Mr. Gohl’s therapy provider her. Testimonials.

http://rsds.org/tag/the-gohl-program/

See how my curiosity piqued even more? We’ve all been told that CRPS/RSD is incurable. We’ve learned that it’s also in our blood not just our bodies. I wasn’t as skeptical as some may have been because I had already, several times, researched techniques involving manual trigger point therapies, acupressure, Chinese medicine techniques and similar holistic treatments dating back to the 1800’s. I had already been treated earlier this year with the Bowen Technique.

I had become so let down by western medicine not being able to relieve my own CRPS, or specifically CRPS Type 2/Causalgia in any way other than by Lumbar Sympathetic Nerve Blocks, medications, and traditional physical therapies that only provided minimal relief, if any, that depressions worsened and hope was nowhere to be found. Since December of 2006 the only steady I had was my Medtronic Spinal Cord Stimulator which reduced or disguised enough symptoms that walking wasn’t as painful as it was prior, and pain medications could be reduced by my choice in the permanent placement.

Complex Regional Pain Syndrome: Systemic Complications
CRPS is becoming the great imitator in pain medicine. This article discusses the symptomatology of the disease, including atypical presentations.
By Robert J. Schwartzman, MD

http://www.practicalpainmanagement.com/pain/complex-regional-pain-syndrome-systemic-complications

Complex Regional Pain Syndrome Guidelines 4th Edition 

CRPS-guidlines-4th-ed-2013-PM

All those things I had accomplished over the years, I found little happiness in. I put on the fake it to make it mask and I wore it quite well. Who would have ever thought that I struggled so badly with suicidal ideations that even my spiritual beliefs couldn’t stop me from wanting to bail on this world.

A mid-metatarsal separation of my right foot (also known as a Lis Franc fracture) January of 2001 in an industrial injury began the last 16 years of uncertainty, loss, rejection, abandonment, failure, and secondary diagnosis’. I still had my upper body though. My hands, fingers, and arms would make up the difference. I could still write type and use social media. In 2009, 9 years after, I got a left foot accelerator pedal installed on our van to be able to drive again. Oh I tried! By that time my left leg was too weak also to drive safely.

I had already had degenerative changes in my spine, but pretended that I didn’t. My legs hurt so bad that it diverted any back pain. 3 years ago my arms started doing things I didn’t understand. Beginning with my left and worsening on the right. By the time I had an EMG my left was reduced and my right just continued to worsen. I’ve never had an EMG or nerve conduction studies on the right side. As 2016 approached the pain in my neck, shoulder, chest, upper and mid back, head, face, the sensations of pulling, tugging, ripping, intense pins and needles, paraesthesia, became so unrelenting that I really couldn’t take it anymore. Bending at the waist started a flare each and every time. I still have to work on that. I had lost feeling in my thumb, forefinger and wrist. My right hand had lost strength.

But wait! I still had my left hand and arm. If I ever needed the gift in being ambidextrous, I would really need it now more than ever to be a part of anything, offline or online.

I had unknowingly believed in hope while other’s told me I was in denial and that I had to accept all those things I wouldn’t be and couldn’t do and would never do. At a higher level of consciousness I saw the light ahead, but was conflicted by the darkness of despair.

I’m already so much better than I’ve ever been in 16 years because of MLT.

I celebrated my 48th birthday while at the program. My son drove my husband to Loomis CA to spend an hour or so with me. First time I’ve been away, on my own, anywhere in 15 years.

Me and my husband Erik
Me and our son Ozra

While I’m still wrapping my own head around it, it’s not as unbelievable as it seems. I promise.

But wait! There’s more..

To be continued…

Pain Drug Reaches Phase 3 Clinical Trials | Dallas Legal Examiner | Dallas Texas Personal Injury Lawyer

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Posted by Bryan Pope
June 7, 2016 8:55 AM

A Pittsburg-based drug development company has received U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approval for phase 3 clinical trials of a product to treat severe, persistent pain. The medication, T-121, is being developed by Thar Pharmaceuticals and is expected to enter the market by 2019. T-121 is an oral version of Novartis’ intravenous-only zoledronic acid, which is sold under the brand name Zometra. T-121 will be intended for patients suffering from complex regional pain syndrome/reflex sympathetic dystrophy (CRPS/RSD), a chronic pain condition often brought on by some sort of trauma. About 70,000 people across the U.S. experience pain from CRPS/RSD, which can become chronic over time and become a disabling condition.

Treatments for CRPS/RSD.

There are many different types of treatments for CRPS and new ones come about relatively frequently, although what works for one does not usually work for another, making treating the condition all the more difficult. Generally, the earlier CRPS is caught and treated correctly, the greater the chance that the condition will respond to medical treatment. Although most doctors agree that a combination of diet, exercise, physical therapy, and medication is the best treatment of CRPS for most patients, exactly what that combination may be and which medications work best is a highly debated issue among pain management doctors. There are no FDA-approved treatments for the pain of CRPS/RSD. Thar Pharmaceuticals developed the drug through the FDA’s orphan disease program, which allows for expedited review, tax credits and other competitive advantages for medications that help fewer than 200,000 people.

CRPS/RSD affects fewer than 200,000 patients in the U.S. each year, according to the National Organization for Rare Disorders.

Source: Pain Drug Reaches Phase 3 Clinical Trials | Dallas Legal Examiner | Dallas Texas Personal Injury Lawyer

#StrongerThanPain

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When I wrote Stronger Than Pain the words had already been my mantra a decade plus before. My mind was always consumed with being able to take that one more step. Just one more step. While the song is written in 3rd person and contains specific words that can only apply to me because of the nature of them, the phrase is universal for those who strive to beat pain. It’s for those who have endured despite setbacks, hardships and loss. It’s for those who’ve loved and lost. It’s for all of us. My son Ozra performed my song, my hope, my meaning but with one difference “She” is also each of you ladies whose pain, passion and purpose isn’t just about you, but for everyone. The full version of Stronger Than Pain has not yet been released and there is 2 versions.

 

https://www.facebook.com/KurtisOzra

 

My continuity of care document dated March 22, 2016

Mild recurrent Major Depression

Benign Essential Hypertension

Insomnia

Fatigue

Shortness of breath

Irregular Menstrual Cycle

Menorrhagia

Colon Spasm

Central Sleep Apnea

Memory Deficit

Obstructive Sleep Apnea

Osteoarthritis of Lumbar Spine

Arthritis

Depression

Diverticulosis

Gastritis

Hyperlipidemia

Hypersomnolence

Osteopenia

Prediabetes

Hematochezia

Ovarian Cysts

Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy

Vitamin D Deficiency

Pain, joint, shoulder

—

Hepatic Hemangiomas

—

This is not a complete list, but I wonder if any of it might cause you discomfort, pain, depression or if bleeding from your butt on a regular basis, trying, striving and hurting from each of the others might be pleasant for you. I already know the answer that may be disguised as “suck it up” when if it was you it might be disheartening, depressing and I don’t know, painful? My empathy runs deep for all those who push on to live with any of the above, and those pain related issues I don’t have, yet understand at a level many never will. I haven’t walked every pair of shoes, but I’ve walked enough to know from first hand experiences that my main purpose is to feel you.

I wanted to die, yet I really wanted to live! I wanted the struggle to survive it to be over. As the world turned, I saw the same 2 walls everyday. Not 4, just 2. It was hard to get up and it was hard to leave the house. I gave everything I had and I gave it for nothing expected. I was ridiculed for not supporting other organizations, groups, people when the only thing true in that was that I didn’t have time or ability to give more when I was trying to give a little for everyone. If I gave absolutely everything to others there wouldn’t ever be anything for me. The “me” is the part that was already doing my best, but few saw that or even resonated with the possibility that I wasn’t okay already. People wanted from me, but there wasn’t any mutual giving back, only taking. I wondered why I ever tried in the first place, but I knew the answer to my own question because that’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. I had lost all hope. I did my 5 as dirty as those who failed me did. My husband (30 years married in August, 31 years together next month), our 3 of 6 children and our grandson didn’t deserve my actions no more than I deserved being delayed, denied, dismissed and belittled by healthcare providers, groups, and Workers Compensation.

I only saw that their world .. together, would keep turning and that they with each other would make it without me because they would. I can’t handle the 10’s. The real 10’s. Who can?

“When no one else believes in you…

… You better” ~Twinkle V.

I now see groups named Stronger Than Pain, I see so much out there and I’m okay with that. I’ll never tell you how many years back it goes only that the proof is on you before it’s on me because I’m covered. People are always going to take your thing and run with it. All it means is they like it so much they take it or use it. It’s when they take without acknowledgement that it becomes shady.

There’s so much to tell. I’m not ashamed of my actions because that would mean I’m ashamed of those precious suffering souls lost to suicide. I’m not ashamed of them. They are being held in the hands of God. I can promise you that.

If the first or last thing I can leave you with is something to hold onto, believe in, and accomplish..

Be #StrongerThanPain

and “When you think you can’t, maybe you already have”

I pray that I have and that you have also.

I can never go back, but I can go forward understanding why some people are no longer here.

 

~Twinkle V.

 

 

 

2.5

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Not using home access for the internet for a couple of months now has been interesting since everything is social media and email, anymore. Web based. I have quite a few articles/essays/pieces to share, but I’ll wait to post them for now. I’ll probably only ever get 3 of a dozen or so up anyway. They were written offline as ability permitted. I generally don’t open the laptop at home.

I’ve been doing Bowen Therapy, each Monday, for about 4 weeks now. Also known as the Bowen Technique. I’ve done this before, but not to this extent. I’ve also been having  LLLT at the same time. For more information on Low Level Light Therapy, you can also refer to NCBI or using the search terms. Having done a clinical trial for LLLT in 2011, I’ve been privileged to be able to have this treatment on several occasions since.

Since I’ve been off those 3 medications in their entirety, I’ve lost nearly 35 pounds in 10 weeks. That time  line also coincides with that thing I did, and a second attempt which I’ll keep right there at this time. Last week, after, I received my certification to help down the anxiety highs. Holistically legal. An option I didn’t want to choose for myself, but one I had to make in order to prevent the 3rd time which could be the charm.

I can feel some change in soft tissue damage and related areas in my upper extremities. I can feel a decrease in some symptoms at my hips down to my feet. (Also the covered areas by my SCS, Spinal Cord Stimulator). Headaches, less intense. No matter what level of decrease I get non weight bearing, the moment I step is the rise. I incorporate dance with Yoga though it’s only upper body and sitting. I only do 4 Yoga poses. I’ve done this for years, off and on, but using it as a tool again, 3 times a day.

Really it’s all about finding my center, again. Solar Plexus, Celiac is in bad shape. I knew that before a few tests last week before therapy. Oh it’s a little about Chakras, aligning grounding etc and a bit about the physical reality of the bodily damage itself. The life force. The breath. Chi, Zen and the ‘I’ll heal me, mentality” because  I know no one else can. That includes the medical profession. Besides they are just a tool, too. And one tool that like us, sometimes needs to be replaced.

I’m hyper sensitive. Not be be confused with hyper sensitivity as a medical term. Few would ever know it, yet I don’t just feel, I feel you and me. I don’t just carry emotion, but I carry your emotion. I don’t just feel pain, but I feel yours, as well. I have to shake that off, somehow and I don’t think it’s possible even in possibility without pretending, or lying to myself that I’m not feeling it. Takes us right back to mental health doesn’t it? Fake it to make it until we break it, or rather, ourselves. Every physical and emotional pain learns a coping strategy. Even a crying baby will learn to cope. .. eventually. It’s all in the mind. Our brains can’t feel pain. The only area that does feel are receptors encompassing outside the brain.

At first I thought I don’t want to lose my mind, I haven’t, I’m not crazy, but know what? Yes I do! I want to lose it. All of it. Let it all just roll out from the bottom of my feet and go away.

Things are still ongoing for now. Appointment and blood draws tomorrow. LLLT and Bowen on Monday. I tell you though when life’s harder experiences are constant, you really come out having learned.