It’s not all sugar plums and dancing fairies even when bodily pain is minimized to any degree. Especially in the injury that led to RSD/CRPS and the devastating consequences that just hasn’t let me forget. It has nothing to do with the loss of work, inspirations, or goals that might have been. The regret has remained heavy because of the manipulation involved in a decision, one I would have never considered had I not been told from health care providers that doing so would prevent a detrimental outcome and allow possibility in recovering. The choice was for the ones I already had. I never got better and as a result I not only felt deceived but also used to reduce cost and care for both of us.
I’m trying to tell myself this is what it was for. Today! It just took 15 years to get there. I’ve already told me how stupid I was for believing in others when I knew better and that led to future distrust. I had already overcome, mostly, other trust issues and there I learned to build my wall so much stronger than it was before.
So here I am still trying to clean up my own mess from the first few months of this year and its aftermath that’s only 7 months old that I can’t even throw away as garbage yet because it’s still active with a new appointment in just a couple of days.
Every day that I get better is another day that I ask myself why. What was it all for?
I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see.