2.5

Not using home access for the internet for a couple of months now has been interesting since everything is social media and email, anymore. Web based. I have quite a few articles/essays/pieces to share, but I’ll wait to post them for now. I’ll probably only ever get 3 of a dozen or so up anyway. They were written offline as ability permitted. I generally don’t open the laptop at home.

I’ve been doing Bowen Therapy, each Monday, for about 4 weeks now. Also known as the Bowen Technique. I’ve done this before, but not to this extent. I’ve also been having  LLLT at the same time. For more information on Low Level Light Therapy, you can also refer to NCBI or using the search terms. Having done a clinical trial for LLLT in 2011, I’ve been privileged to be able to have this treatment on several occasions since.

Since I’ve been off those 3 medications in their entirety, I’ve lost nearly 35 pounds in 10 weeks. That time  line also coincides with that thing I did, and a second attempt which I’ll keep right there at this time. Last week, after, I received my certification to help down the anxiety highs. Holistically legal. An option I didn’t want to choose for myself, but one I had to make in order to prevent the 3rd time which could be the charm.

I can feel some change in soft tissue damage and related areas in my upper extremities. I can feel a decrease in some symptoms at my hips down to my feet. (Also the covered areas by my SCS, Spinal Cord Stimulator). Headaches, less intense. No matter what level of decrease I get non weight bearing, the moment I step is the rise. I incorporate dance with Yoga though it’s only upper body and sitting. I only do 4 Yoga poses. I’ve done this for years, off and on, but using it as a tool again, 3 times a day.

Really it’s all about finding my center, again. Solar Plexus, Celiac is in bad shape. I knew that before a few tests last week before therapy. Oh it’s a little about Chakras, aligning grounding etc and a bit about the physical reality of the bodily damage itself. The life force. The breath. Chi, Zen and the ‘I’ll heal me, mentality” because  I know no one else can. That includes the medical profession. Besides they are just a tool, too. And one tool that like us, sometimes needs to be replaced.

I’m hyper sensitive. Not be be confused with hyper sensitivity as a medical term. Few would ever know it, yet I don’t just feel, I feel you and me. I don’t just carry emotion, but I carry your emotion. I don’t just feel pain, but I feel yours, as well. I have to shake that off, somehow and I don’t think it’s possible even in possibility without pretending, or lying to myself that I’m not feeling it. Takes us right back to mental health doesn’t it? Fake it to make it until we break it, or rather, ourselves. Every physical and emotional pain learns a coping strategy. Even a crying baby will learn to cope. .. eventually. It’s all in the mind. Our brains can’t feel pain. The only area that does feel are receptors encompassing outside the brain.

At first I thought I don’t want to lose my mind, I haven’t, I’m not crazy, but know what? Yes I do! I want to lose it. All of it. Let it all just roll out from the bottom of my feet and go away.

Things are still ongoing for now. Appointment and blood draws tomorrow. LLLT and Bowen on Monday. I tell you though when life’s harder experiences are constant, you really come out having learned.

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All She Wanted

by Twinkle VanFleet
All she wanted to do is live
All she wanted to do is dance
All she wanted to do is give
Trust in something and forgive

All she wanted was to care
All she wanted was to be
All she wanted for is hope
All she prayed for was the chi

All she wanted was to love
All she wanted was to rise
All she wanted was for them
And be cherished in his eyes

 

Twinkle V March 16.16 -2

 

All she needed was to survive
All she wanted was to keep dancing
If not in body;  soul, heart and mind
All she needed was to be worth having

All she knew was a world ahead
All she gave was it’s pain
All she meant was to take it away
In His name, she did pray

Pain, passion, purpose. Deuces High
Stronger Than Pain to stay alive
Ride, die or fly
Simpli(y) justified.

Twinkle VanFleet: ~TVa Sig

©2016 Twinkle VanFleet/Golden Rainbow Poetry/All rights reserved. Copyright Laws and Regulations of the United States http://www.copyright.gov/title17/

iPain Heroes of Hope – iPain Foundation

2016 iPain Hero of Hope Nomination Categories

http://powerofpain.org/ipain-heroes-of-hope/

ipain hero graphic

HERO of HOPE iPain Awards

Melanie McDowell Advocacy Hero of Hope Award

iPain Foundation presents the Melanie McDowell Pain Advocacy Award. The recipient is a pain patient or provider who has demonstrated outstanding commitment to assisting and advocating for people with neuropathy and pain conditions. This could be within the field of research, education, awareness, or patient assistance.

Caregiver Hero of Hope Award

Caregivers represent service in areas such as nursing, certified nursing assistants, social services, certified medical technicians, therapy, activities, housekeeping, food service and volunteers. We honor these people who give of themselves and make a difference in the lives of those they care for in long-term care.

Corporate Support Hero of Hope Award

This person or group is recognized for being innovators & leaders supporting daily living with chronic pain disease conditions. This can be research for daily living aids, drug development, survey data collecting. Specific or non specific research for effective treatments in the chronic pain community.

The Nerve to be Heard Hero of Hope Award

Nominations are being accepted for those who Have the Nerve to be Heard. This person has been recognized for bringing awareness to the challenges of living with chronic pain in national or international media. Nominees could include patients, patient advocates, celebrity, legislators, professional Olympic athletes, etc.

Nominations for 2016 Hero of Hope awards are now open.

Thank you all for nominating someone who has made a positive difference in your life. We all know someone who has made a difference.  Whether its your life or someone close to you, we all make a difference. Nominations for people who are making a significant contribution within the field of research, education, awareness, and/or patient assistance are now open.If chosen to move on to the next round you will be notified and your nominee will be notified.

Additional information may be requested as needed by our panel of judges Nominations accepted between April 1 and June 30, 2016 Finalist chosen by iPain Gala Committee by July 15, 2016 Recipient will be chosen by the iPain Board of Directors between by July 31, 2016

Award winner will be announced in early Aug. 2016

Source: iPain Heroes of Hope – iPain Foundation

melanie-mcdowell-award-winners-previous-award-recipients1

Previous iPain Award Recipients


Please use the form above to formally choose your award nominee(s). You may nominate as many of your favorite Heroes in either categories as you like. There’s lots of Hero’s out there, show them that you recognize all they do for you, and others.    ~Twinkle

The Opposite of Fear is Faith

Image Credit by Ozra September 24, 2015 Bay Area CA_1.

Image Credit by Ozra

Is it? I think that’s a truth statement, mostly. Fear is defined as a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.,whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid. One definition of Faith is defined as confidence or trust in a person or thing; belief in anything. Without having something to believe in, to add light to darkness, or hope in pain, change, love there really can’t be either. Yin and Yang. It takes one to have the other. It also takes commitment to oneself. Believing in ourselves when no one else does. Saving our own lives, if we must. 

“One betrayal costs a hundred devotions. One deception sacrifices ten loyalties. One misconception is the price paid toward assumptions and against each other”. ~Dyversiti

The struggle has been real and it’s been hard, but no one has really known that but me. I feel like the 5 years forward I’ve come (and the 10 years it took to get the there) has led 15 years backwards. I’m not physically or emotionally well and trying so very hard to not have a bitter heart.  ‘Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do”. I’ve always continued to love and care, and.. forgive even when the pain was on me because I was #StrongerThanPain and I was stronger because fear and faith ran simultaneously through me, always.

In Theology, Grace is defined as the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God; the influence or spirit of God operating in humans to regenerate or strengthen them. The Grace of God has been with me all the while. I’m already flawless in his eyes. Yet I fear… yes I fear, my journey has only just begun. Faith will evenly carry me through it. Hope is seemingly unconditional, but hope is conditional upon others, energy, an action.

BELIEVE

by Twinkle VanFleet

WITHOUT HOPE,

WE WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO PRAY FOR-

WITHOUT FAITH,

WE WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO BELIEVE IN,

WITHOUT LIFE AND DEATH,

WE WOULD HAVE NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO-

WITHOUT GOD,

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN NOTHING AT ALL.

©1995-1999-2016 Twinkle Wood-VanFleet/Golden Rainbow Poetry/All rights reserved. (Written in the 80’s)

 

Dependent on medication management, I was. I still am, yet I’m not actually taking any pain relieving medication at all. It’s easier to send someone off to mental health than it is to understand that sometimes, usually, those meds give back life, instead of take it away. And in my case it did both.

Thrive | Casting Crowns

“We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It’s time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive”

“Thrive”

Here in this worn and weary land
Where many a dream has died

Like a tree planted by the water
We never will run dry

So living water flowing through
God we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls
With one desire

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It’s time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

Into Your word we’re digging deep
To know our Father’s heart

Into the world we’re reaching out
To show them who You are

So living water flowing through
God we thirst for more of You
Fill our hearts and flood our souls
With one desire

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It’s time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible
Joy Unspeakable, Faith Unsinkable, Love Unstoppable, Anything is possible

Just to know You and
To make You known
We lift Your name on High
Shine like the sun make darkness run and hide
We know we were made for so much more
Than ordinary lives
It’s time for us to more than just survive
We were made to thrive

Hey!

We were made to Thrive

We were made to Thrive…..
Thrive!

Live On Give On | Applications for the 2016 #BakkenInvitation Award now open.

Twinkle receiving award- January 16, 2016

Twinkle VanFleet, Sacramento California. Bakken Award Recipient 2015. Received from Dr. Earl Bakken, Medtronic Co Founder in Kona Hawaii, January 16, 2016.

About the Bakken Invitation Inspired by Medtronic co-founder and philanthropist, Earl Bakken, the Bakken Invitation celebrates and connects people who, with the help of medical technology, have overcome health challenges and are now making a difference in their communities.Empowering patients to better manage their health is a key element in Medtronic Philanthropy’s approach to expanding healthcare access to the underserved. By sharing and celebrating stories of patients from all over the world, the Bakken Invitation is designed to not only provide valuable information and inspiration to others, but also foster a global movement of people who “Live On. Give On. ”Get involved at www.LiveOnGiveOn.org

1.

Share a Story For every story shared on the Live On. Give On. global online community, Medtronic Philanthropy will donate $10 to Project HOPE to help ensure that medical technology is available in underserved communities around the world.2.

Apply or nominate  The Bakken Invitation Award recognizes outstanding contributions of service, volunteerism and leadership around the world.  Selected Bakken Invitation Honorees will earn a $20,000 (USD) grant from Medtronic Philanthropy to direct to a charity of their choice, and a trip to Hawaii for a celebration event to meet Medtronic co-founder Earl Bakken.

Applications for the 2016 are now open.

Applicant Criteria: Individuals who, with the help of medical technology, are giving their time and talent to improve the quality of life for others. Nominees must be 14 years or older.Individuals must be using an approved medical device therapy to treat one of the following disease categories: heart disease; diabetes; chronic pain; spinal disorders; or neurological, gastroenterological and urological disorders. All applicants with eligible medical technology are welcome to apply, regardless of device manufacturer.Applicants must have an established relationship of involvement with a legal nonprofit organization for six months or more.3.

Connect with the Community Medtronic also hosts a global online community where all patients can share how they are giving back after receiving extra life from a medical device.

At http://www.LiveOnGiveOn.org, they can connect with other people who share similar health conditions and charitable passions in their hometown and around the world.“What are you doing with your extra life?”That’s the question from Medtronic co-founder, inventor and philanthropist Earl Bakken that inspired the Bakken Invitation. He acknowledges that his pacemaker, insulin pump and heart stents have given him “extra life,” time he uses to support causes he cares about. Earl knows the gift of extra life is powerful. And while each person chooses how to use their extra time, it is his enduring hope they consider how to give back, in big or small ways.

Connect: Website: LiveOnGiveOn.org Facebook: facebook.com/LiveOnGiveOn

Twitter: #LiveOnGiveOn

Source: Live On Give On

As a 2015 Bakken Invitation Honoree from Sacramento, California. I wish you all well.. and enough.  If you need any help with the nominee or application processes, I’ll do what I can to assist you through it.

Honored, privileged and grateful – Grant recipient: @powerofpain International Pain Foundation, your power of pain headquarters.

We are turning pain to power!

InternationalPain.org   PowerofPain.org   PowerofPain.org   

 

Over

In the last week I’ve shared about 6 video’s in the raw. Unedited, me without make up, me with make up, me just going on about the last few months or more, blah blah.

I made it 15 years. I made the last 10 with SCS, medication and functional restoration and the last 4 by medication management, SCS, and home functional restoration enough to help me set goals and achieve them. Sometimes it can really take time to get unstuck from the pain cycles, the why me’s, sulking pity party. I busted my butt, learned, wanted to learn, and aside from a patient, I’m a caregiver too. Hard? It has to be done.

So many times I’ve had to alter my list of the 3 most important tasks needing done in a day. I’d move the least important to the top of the following day’s list. All those little tricks and things I’ve learned over the years that hang out in my toolbox of survival mechanisms.

I knew it was almost over. I just never imagined it would be by the hands and decisions of others/provider’s before giving up of my own. I just didn’t think…  of all the thinking I do that my award also became part of my end. I worked hard for that. Decades for that. Unpaid for that.

Spontaneous? Not really. I messaged my mom to have my Advanced Directive revoked and destroyed. I’ve tried to and I haven’t been able to get them back. It was Valentine’s Day, I called the radio station The new STAR and dedicated a song to my man. I’ll hold back on that song title right now. I took the last walk I ever thought I’d walk. It was long and hard, and I had to sit on people’s lawns or lean against trees or mailboxes and it was really only a little farther than end of our block.

Am I a quitter, a coward? Perception.  A quitter and a coward would have never rolled into those headlights, but let’s be fair, I haven’t quit yet.

I was already in withdrawal, unstable, but woke up to a nice day. It was all good until I re read the first denial letter stating those 2 medications (Cymbalta and Zonegran) weren’t medically necessarily and not supported by the California MTUS (Yes they are). It also claimed that due to the doctors report it was left to interpretation on a couple of matters and one of them was that those 2 medications didn’t reduce my potential for abuse or minimize my current opioid use. Seriously?!!

I appealed and I won. No potential for abuse or misuse and both medically necessary.

Approved on appeal February 16, 2016.  I’m still not on them, nor am I on any pain reliever at all.

I can get through the 7’s, bouncing 8’s and 9’s. I can use my tools to bring those 8/9’s down enough to level myself. I couldn’t handle the 9/10 I couldn’t bring myself out of it. The physical 9/10 that can make you lose your mind. Why? Because it’s in your mind where you’re coping abilities and strategies are.

Already living in your head all day just to manage your 7, see what happens when 10 comes and there isn’t any help. I’ve rarely used 10 in my entire life, I seldom use 9, except to acknowledge it gets there off and on throughout any day for seconds, minutes, hours.

10 though! I drank that bottle, intoxicated, drunk, I could care less about labels because I hit the ground on my stomach and face so hard I passed out. Somnolence, narcoleptic episodes (diagnosed) or alcohol, perhaps a combination of each. Though my husband said he dropped me as I was leaning against him.

I walked out of our gate and stood against our lamp post. Husband came out and told me to go back inside. I wasn’t doing anything but standing there, reflecting, thinking, but then…

He started grabbing me to lead me in and a lady called the Sheriff’s Department on him for abusing me. He wasn’t, but he was in my space and I just wanted to chill. I was sure to tell her that he didn’t hurt me, beat me, abuse me and that I was fine. I was. I think.

Our street, people drive down it like there is no road and a speed limit doesn’t exist.

That was my out! I laid down in the center of the street, spread my arms and my legs as best as I could and I could see headlights flying right for me. Am I mad I was pulled out of the street? A little. Why would I ever think to let a driver be responsible for killing me. Well how about this, slow down and do the speed limit. Everything is a learning experience.

The unbelievable inaccuracies in my medical records are nearly beyond fixing. Medications listed I’m not even taking, and a few for more than a year. I’ve updated again since my release and tonight I peeked at my Patient EMR. They’re all still listed. So the medications go on the record, but they don’t come off? There’s a difference between previously taken medications (inactive) and medications currently taking (active). It say’s I’m on 11 medications including 2 opioids, a benzo, oic med, lidoderm patches, cymbalta, and zonegran and I”M NOT!  Lisinopril, Hydralazine, Atorvastatin and Nuvigil. That is what I’m on. 4 medications. Red flag above 7, did you know that? So yes, I’ve been red flagged and it’s flying the wrong way.

I’m sorry to the Sacramento County Sheriff’s Department, the Metropolitan Fire Department and the EMT and probably ambulance driver too. I didn’t trust you.

When you asked if I was in pain? I told you I wouldn’t tell you even if I was… Because… I wasn’t going to have in my record an opioid pain reliever documented as given to me. Yeah I suffered and I suffered for not being truthful. I’m learning though that truth and honesty is just someone elses made up lies. Unfortunate casualties of the world we live in.

To the Officer that lacked a little faith, I pray I left you with something. Heart! Have a little faith that sometimes not everyone is who the rest of the world made us out to be.

I’m not sorry for the actions that led to my consequences or my responsibility in it. It’s forever now.  I’m glad I screamed all the policy issues going on and made it loud and clear for blocks. I’m sorry for all those who played a part and either bailed or covered their own asses. I’m sorry for all those who think relieving pain leads to misuse, abuse and heroin above the overdoses that are self inflicted one way or the other.

Who ever thought it’d be me? No one!

Courage - Your fear

Goals? Get my lyrics out to those who’ve been interested and play that part of a lifetime. Really though, I’ve already done everything I wanted. From Poster Girl to TV Commercial, being published by my 20’s, being a part of Sacramento history in the news, hard copy, on the news live, iPain Foundation, my own endeavors. All in the background from my space, my cubby.

I’ll either fly off this earth by the grace of God, or by my faith in options. Take that as you will. I’ve had to choose, make choices, decisions, options to save my own life. My own!

Still not what you would simply assume.

I don’t hardly care about much right now because I can’t fix me enough to put in the few hours a month I had been to help others. I’m numb and it’s not the numb I wish it was. It really is easy to rectify wrongs, accidents, mistakes, oversights, correct errors and be responsible for your own actions. It really is easy to do. The only reason someone would choose not to is to hide their own guilt and be unable or against a face to face with you in the presence of a sit down meeting with lead staff for a reconciliation. I feel bad about that and I shouldn’t because I did move to rectify and was denied. I was even denied the 30 days of “emergency care” allotted by law when being dismissed by a provider.

I am grateful for the person who provided LLLT and Bowen Therapy yesterday. Bowen might take a few more times. LLLT I’ve done a few times before. The only “maybe” for months.

Really though, my problem is that I care too much but I think that’s been back handed out of me. None of this is finished, some has only just begun and the rest well…  it is what it is, for now.

Over and…

out.

 

The Body, Mind and Spirit; Humanizing the Soul

https://rsdadvisory.com/2016/02/11/the-body-mind-and-spirit-humanizing-the-soul/

It Really Hurts to Hurt | Live On. Give On.

https://rsdadvisory.com/2016/03/20/it-really-hurts-to-hurt-live-on-give-on/

The Unintended Side Effects of Fighting Prescription Drug Abuse by Twinkle VanFleet

The California Progress Report January 8, 2015

http://www.californiaprogressreport.com/site/unintended-side-effects-fighting-prescription-drug-abuse

Bracelets; Lockdown; Profound and Letdown

https://rsdadvisory.com/2016/02/26/bracelets-lockdown-profound-and-letdown/