#StrongerThanPain

When I wrote Stronger Than Pain the words had already been my mantra a decade plus before. My mind was always consumed with being able to take that one more step. Just one more step. While the song is written in 3rd person and contains specific words that can only apply to me because of the nature of them, the phrase is universal for those who strive to beat pain. It’s for those who have endured despite setbacks, hardships and loss. It’s for those who’ve loved and lost. It’s for all of us. My son Ozra performed my song, my hope, my meaning but with one difference “She” is also each of you ladies whose pain, passion and purpose isn’t just about you, but for everyone. The full version of Stronger Than Pain has not yet been released and there is 2 versions.

 

https://www.facebook.com/KurtisOzra

 

My continuity of care document dated March 22, 2016

Mild recurrent Major Depression

Benign Essential Hypertension

Insomnia

Fatigue

Shortness of breath

Irregular Menstrual Cycle

Menorrhagia

Colon Spasm

Central Sleep Apnea

Memory Deficit

Obstructive Sleep Apnea

Osteoarthritis of Lumbar Spine

Arthritis

Depression

Diverticulosis

Gastritis

Hyperlipidemia

Hypersomnolence

Osteopenia

Prediabetes

Hematochezia

Ovarian Cysts

Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy

Vitamin D Deficiency

Pain, joint, shoulder

Hepatic Hemangiomas

This is not a complete list, but I wonder if any of it might cause you discomfort, pain, depression or if bleeding from your butt on a regular basis, trying, striving and hurting from each of the others might be pleasant for you. I already know the answer that may be disguised as “suck it up” when if it was you it might be disheartening, depressing and I don’t know, painful? My empathy runs deep for all those who push on to live with any of the above, and those pain related issues I don’t have, yet understand at a level many never will. I haven’t walked every pair of shoes, but I’ve walked enough to know from first hand experiences that my main purpose is to feel you.

I wanted to die, yet I really wanted to live! I wanted the struggle to survive it to be over. As the world turned, I saw the same 2 walls everyday. Not 4, just 2. It was hard to get up and it was hard to leave the house. I gave everything I had and I gave it for nothing expected. I was ridiculed for not supporting other organizations, groups, people when the only thing true in that was that I didn’t have time or ability to give more when I was trying to give a little for everyone. If I gave absolutely everything to others there wouldn’t ever be anything for me. The “me” is the part that was already doing my best, but few saw that or even resonated with the possibility that I wasn’t okay already. People wanted from me, but there wasn’t any mutual giving back, only taking. I wondered why I ever tried in the first place, but I knew the answer to my own question because that’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. I had lost all hope. I did my 5 as dirty as those who failed me did. My husband (30 years married in August, 31 years together next month), our 3 of 6 children and our grandson didn’t deserve my actions no more than I deserved being delayed, denied, dismissed and belittled by healthcare providers, groups, and Workers Compensation.

I only saw that their world .. together, would keep turning and that they with each other would make it without me because they would. I can’t handle the 10’s. The real 10’s. Who can?

“When no one else believes in you…

… You better” ~Twinkle V.

I now see groups named Stronger Than Pain, I see so much out there and I’m okay with that. I’ll never tell you how many years back it goes only that the proof is on you before it’s on me because I’m covered. People are always going to take your thing and run with it. All it means is they like it so much they take it or use it. It’s when they take without acknowledgement that it becomes shady.

There’s so much to tell. I’m not ashamed of my actions because that would mean I’m ashamed of those precious suffering souls lost to suicide. I’m not ashamed of them. They are being held in the hands of God. I can promise you that.

If the first or last thing I can leave you with is something to hold onto, believe in, and accomplish..

Be #StrongerThanPain

and “When you think you can’t, maybe you already have”

I pray that I have and that you have also.

I can never go back, but I can go forward understanding why some people are no longer here.

 

~Twinkle V.

 

 

 

Drop a Beat (Rap it Up)

By Twinkle VanFleet

Diversity by Twinkle VanFleet

Diversity by Twinkle VanFleet

Trip, slip, low to high,
They could’a killed you,
And you tried to die

Drop a beat,

‘N fuckin’ fly

Trip (Love that pen)
Slip (Fuck it 100 then)
Fly (Fly high over ‘n over again)

Fuck this shit (I’m in)
Just fly
Don’t let it pass by
(Don’t let anything fade by)

Stand out, step up
Dance
Rap it up

Smile (You’ve got that smile)
Laugh (Bring that pain down, awhile)

Break up (Break down)
Put it back together (Slow down)

Choose to live
Choose to die
Shit, just fuck ‘N Fly
It filled you up inside
For that moment you cried to die
(But you ain’t dyin’)

You chose to live (Still flying)
You gave to give (Still riding)
Now you’re chillin’ (Instead of dying) (No one’s dyin’)

You rose up
Yet you was hiding
Now you’re living, again
Instead of dyin’

Stand out, step it up
Dance!
Rap it up

Wrap that shit side up, let it go
Dance
On the reg, on the rise,
During the slip and the slide
Over the side
All alright now,
Deuces high

You know what

Jus’

 

Smile (Love that smile)
Laugh (Pain down, relaxed)

Rap ‘N Wrap it up (Don’t stumble over it. Shit tho’ gotta rise over it)
High fly, word! ai’ght…

Drop another beat, get on with it.

Rap it up.

©2016 Twinkle VanFleet/Golden Rainbow Poetry/All rights reserved. Copyright Laws and Regulations of the United States http://www.copyright.gov/title17/