New Years Eve Wishes

For those of you celebrating out and about, I wish you a safe, fun filled, and beautiful new years evening. For those of you spending it home and alone, I wish you peace, love and warmth. My heart is with you.


For the caregivers taking care of others, I wish you tranquility. For those with chronic illness(s) of their own who care for their loved ones anyway, I wish you serenity and a moment to reflect on your worth. Thank you for all you do..

For those staying in, I wish you a lovely night.

We’re staying in. 

Good Again for Now

It’s hard to believe it’s only been a year. This time last year I was getting ready to go to Tennessee for my second set of treatments for MLT. I had stayed 2 weeks. In addition to medication management and SCS,  I generally had a lumbar sympathetic pain block each year for 16 years. Last year it was replaced by MLT this year it’ll have to be me for me. 

Finally getting over the flu. I had the flu shot in November, but the lady at the pharmacy said many different strains are out and about. Resumed my normal routines 2 days ago. During the worse of it, I still did some daily, not all. I don’t think I would have ended up in a flare. I am thankful that a couple of flares a years whether or not accompanied by a depressive episode is so much better than the constistant several, long in duration, and painful ones that came with too many years. 

My daughter gifted me an espresso maker for Christmas. Today is the first day I used it. Ozra gave me a new Samsung Galaxy S6 cell phone. I got it  on the 20th but was so sick I didn’t even play with it. My husband gave me slipper boots, a blow dryer and a curling wand. Not that I need curls, my own are quite nice, but now I can change them up. 🙂

Playing a lot of Words with Friends (scrabble) mostly with my husband which is a good thing. For me it helps my mind recall words, be with him differently, and have fun at the same time. 

I’m blogging via my Kindle until my laptop is functional again. Hand and finger therapy.

Stronger Than Pain INC is moving along and we look forward to 2018. 

Today is laundry, espresso, words and music. 
Back to Church in the morning. 

I wish you all a better, comforting, uplifting,

And Happy New New Year.

Into The New Year

It’s been about 6 weeks since my husband’s 3rd heart attack. I’m just now bringing myself back up from the worse depressive low in 11 months. It’s been 4 weeks since I deactivated my Facebook. In my emotional despair I moved out of our house and into the 2 room conversion. I would only come inside when he was at work. In the depression, I could only think I had to teach myself to live without him because if I didn’t I would never know how to for myself.
Depression and suicidal ideations often co exist, yet one doesn’t always have to include the other. I wasn’t suicidal, I just couldn’t feel anything but heartache. 
I’ve been sick since the 17th and it took its toll on me as well. I can’t risk missing a day of stretching because my body needs it for chronic pain maintenance. My ribs hurt so bad from coughing, I could feel my physical stability decline too.

My Diverticulosis flared into Diverticulitis to the point I had to buy baby butt cream because I was so raw from “those” accidents that simultaneously included the inability to control my bladder it was like a severe diaper rash.

Of course that hasn’t been a pleasant experience and depression worsened. On top of it, I can feel my skeletal frame shifting again, I could barely lift my head due to the pulling in my neck. If I could get my head up high enough I could get moments of relief, but it was difficult to maintain its position. I have a travel pillow that will encircle the neck and button closed. I used it to support my head and neck when sitting and sleeping. I had to sleep laying on my arm behind my back. 

I smudged our home and prayed for peace, tranquility, love, light. I prayed for guidance from the angels, healers and teachers. I gave gratitude for my experiences, the good, the bad, and the ugly, so that I might heal and teach others as my journey continues. 

Even though my low was unsteady, Today, I praise myself for getting through it by my own self will and the encouragement of a loved one that I would.

I am.

Into the new year…

White Sage

It’s time to do a spiritual cleansing. This won’t only consist of smudging my home, but my personal being as well. A re balance of my life force. The great spirit.

White Sage- Image credit- Hoodwitch

As a sensitive, Empath, I become overwhelmed by other peoples energy, pain, thoughts, emotions, even joy. This isn’t anything new. I’ve had the gift, curse? All my life. When I’m around positiveness that flame grows into peace, tranquility and calm, energizes me and all the others I come into contact with even when people are experiencing their own pain and hardships. There’s an opposite side to this. My negative energy doesn’t do anyone around me any good either.

“A strong life force makes a human being totally alive, alert and present while a weak force results in sluggishness and fatigue. … The concept of a life force is found in most of the ancient cultures of the world. In India, it is called prana; in China, chi; in Japan, ki; for Native Americans, the Great Spirit.”

http://www.energyarts.com/what-is-chi

In reference to a previous blog when I said I can’t choose one side or another. How could I authentically when one side doesn’t exist over the other? When everything is entangled? When it’s all connected?

MTP (Moving Toward Peace)
https://www.movingtowardspeace.com/mtpblog/the-ancient-art-of-burning-sage.html

Why Smudging Your Body With White Sage Is A Must For Every Highly Sensitive Warrior (A Guide To Smudging)
http://alcantaraacupuncture.com/why-smudging-your-body-with-white-sage-is-a-must-for-every-highly-sensitive-warrior/

White Sage Uses… A Step by Step Guide to Smudging
http://www.ask-angels.com/spiritual-guidance/white-sage-smudging/

White sage is also an herb and it’s Latin name is Salvia apiana which means “healing”.


Post statement this blog was written over a week ago and was filed as a draft. Today, my White Sage was delivered and gifted with much love and heart from our daughter Rikki. By Christmas I’ll have completed my own piece of prayer calling on my ancestors, the angels, healers and Jesus Christ alike.

I hope to share this experience with you.

 

Caregivers and Substance Abuse | The Recovery Village

Being a caregiver is one of the most selfless roles anyone can fulfill. In many cases, it means putting someone else’s needs above your own, sacrificing your time and peace of mind, and finding higher levels of patience and understanding. It can create a sense of purpose, but it can also be very taxing and physically burdensome. The weight may even be extremely emotional, especially if the care involves a terminal condition and if no other person shares the load. Whether the role consists of providing care for a cancer patient or an ill, disabled or elderly person, the demands can drive many caregivers to use and abuse substances to cope.

Learn more about:

Types of Caregivers

Consequences of a Caregivers Substance Abuse

Mental Effects of Caregivers Substance Abuse

Treatments

Source: Caregivers and Substance Abuse | The Recovery Village

Can’t Wait for this Weekend

I use to have our Grandson often beginning upon his birth. He’s 11 now. This year I haven’t seen him as much since his mom lives farther away. Original plans were to pick him up Saturday morning and take him to the swap meet auction with us and drop him back home after. I called him back having already prepared before doing so to ask him what I knew he’d be happy for. I asked him if he’d like to spend the night too and go to Church with us the next morning as well before his Papi drops him home before work,

Spongebob FunI asked him to bring his hoodie and if he was ready to camp. He said yes Nana. I said do you understand what that means?, He said yes Nana. We’re going to snuggle up and drink hot chocolate and camp out. While this won’t be in a tent outside it will be a little similar.

I’ve been working this morning to get it ready for us. While I’m not certain yet, I may even simulate a camp fire with firewood in the smaller BBQ in order to toast marshmallows and sit around a fire for a few.

I can’t wait to share our fun and make new memories.

 

The Other Side of Pain

sad_facw_behind_a_smiling_face_by_mudabbirali-resizedI’m a confused person at this point in my life and it’s my journey to unravel. Some may think admitting openly to alcohol misuse is something I should have kept to myself. I don’t think so. I think it gave me the opportunity to understand those who’ve self medicated with anything. I didn’t drink everyday, I wasn’t a social drinker, or a party person. My actions of misuse were perhaps a half dozen times ever. What’s the difference between getting drunk, drinking on a regular basis, and misuse? I think the difference is I knew better. I knew better at the time I poured it. Maybe similar to those who misuse RX’s knew better at the time they took them. The ability to know better ends or decreases once altered. I had learned by the 2nd or 3rd time that I shouldn’t drink depressed. I opted to drink the one I shouldn’t have had. You know the one we shouldn’t have, that next one? While I have no personal experience with opioid misuse or addiction I think I know why people do that. At least I hope I do so that maybe I can go on one day to help them, too. Help the families recognize there’s a problem, or that the potential for one can arise. It only takes a few extra pills or that extra shot of booze to change us. There isn’t any excuse. There are reasons. I do have experience with a fatal heroin overdose who was my husbands step sister. We disconnected her from life support.

5 years ago I was so afraid for my husband after his quadruple bypass heart surgery which was after 2 prior heat attacks that I probably nagged him more than his physicians did in reminding him to care for himself better. He became so lost in his pain, the various diagnosis’, emotions and depression as well that after awhile there wasn’t anything left I could do for him. He had to do it himself. Last month the 3rd heart attack happened. Through all this and other events, I began to decline mentally. Physically I could barely make it around the house. I just didn’t want to care for awhile. I’m someone that cares too deeply and I give everything and often to my own detriment.

I’m not ashamed of my actions, but I’m sorry for them.

As previously mentioned I’ve busted my butt this year changing my pain to manageable pain for myself in all the pain related diagnosis’ I have. I’ve worked on myself emotionally, but that can still be wishy washy at times.  I see things differently than I did before and I see them from the perspective of people needing to do more for themselves.

Did you do the followup home PT your physical therapist suggested? Nope. Do any of the exercises and movements on the how-to sheets of paper you were sent home with? You know the ones that even have the pictures outlined on them? Nope. Hardly anyone does and they should be done daily. Are you doing what your physician told you to? Remove or reduce inflammatory foods for chronic pain syndrome? Nope. For Diabetes reduce sugar intake? Nope. For coronary heart disease reduce cholesterol? Nope.

What the hell does anyone want then? For someone else to do it for them?

I have his dinner ready each work night when he gets home at 11:00 p.m. Last night I was exhausted and was asleep by 11:20 p.m. Slept 4 hours and here I am. I provide him home cooked balanced meals, I even spend days making food in batches so that I can freeze it for easy dinners later. Heat and serve. I do this so I can have lighter days and keep myself from flaring. I can’t control anything I don’t make and I can’t do anything about his pain either. He has to

There’s so many people doing the same thing or rather not doing. Like everyone else he’s an amazing person, too.

The help people need the most can really only be found within themselves.

I went to Church yesterday morning. It’s where I’m at most peace. I stood for all our songs. 3 in the beginning of service and 1 at the end of it  I’m really sore, but I won’t call it pain for myself. If I get stuck on the thought of pain because of pain then it will escalate and I know this.

He’s finally pushing through more for himself now because he realizes he’s not going to get another chance. Will it be enough? I don’t know and it scares the shit out of me.

I’m severely afraid to lose him. I already was and now I am even more all over again. I’ve been his since I was 17.

What happens to us as people? Do we lose faith in ourselves? (Not a religious statement). Do we expect other’s to make our differences for us? Of course most do. At what point do we finally decide it’s up to us? When there’s no options left?

I can never reach a 9/10 again. Ever! I’m responsible for me. I roll my ball all over my body to promote blood flow, reduce inflammation, swelling, help my internal organs and structures not break down further. I stretch, and sometimes I still have to move my toes and fingers manually.

Should I be in mental health services? Probably. I was directly after my breakdown as a condition of my release. It was short term and expired. I tried again and it didn’t work out. I’m not suicidal and I look for things to laugh at or with and smile at each day over something. Painting, drum box, things that doesn’t matter if I’m any good at as long as it’s something I’m doing. Remembering all the good things above any type of painful ones helps keep pain from rising. There’s a calm in the happy place. I realize sometimes I do this simultaneously, the good and the bad. Working on that, too. I do have much to look forward to and I’m grateful for so many things and people in life.

I have to minimize my triggers, stressors, my anxiety highs and I do get triggered randomly. Not anyone’s fault. It’s mine. Before I say anything I wouldn’t otherwise say before the trigger, I need to click the X in the top right corner of my screen and log off. I have the mindfulness to know these things I just need to do better to implement them.

I had only been getting on for about 30 minutes between 1 and 2 p.m. and again about 8 p.m. after my nap and was entirely off every few days, but the last few days, off and on even more. It can get lonely with just me, myself, and I all day.  I’ll have to suck that one up too.

Valerian Root is helpful for sleep support and can provide an element of pain relief. I hope it can help some of you who didn’t know of it’s uses. If you’re on medications make sure there wouldn’t be any adverse affects.

It might take me another entire year in healing forward. I suppose a year isn’t that long. It may also be a lifelong ongoing process. I hope not. That might be a really long time. lol

It’s exhausting just thinking about that. Ha!

I do love you all. I can’t help you in your physical pain, eventually I’ll try to with how-to videos, but I’m already on the path to help in the psychological aspects that are even more important.

Goodnight again for now.