Month: January 2018

Mid Week Review

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My daughter’s and grandson arrived at my parents in Manchester Georgia around midnight on the 15th/16th. 

My new injury is healing as well as it can be. It’s heading on a week since it occurred. I’ve continued to use it as normal as possible.I resumed my kitchen counter stretches yesterday. 

Nearly a week later.

Since the original injury in 2001, I’ve never been able to roll off that foot. Heel to toe. A little unsteady. I call it clumsy.  I haven’t been able to run, but since MLT I have been able to jog in place. I’ve made it up too 100 Steps. 
In a few days I’ll re start again at 10. I’ve already been moving my toes as well as ankle raises. My counter stretches yesterday did cause the scrape to tear and bruising to pull. It may have hurt and it could have told me don’t even try. Don’t do anything just keep hurting. Afterwards I elevated. It takes pain to fight pain just like it takes fire to fight fire. 

I increased my Turmeric intake and used my topical mix I made for the dog bite. By the way, it couldn’t be doing any better 18 days later.

I briefly mentioned that a physician has agreed to review my records for new patient consideration. His lady is requesting them directly from the adjuster and I’ve also requested that they be sent from the attorney as well. 

The Bay Area Pain and Wellness Center is similar to where I was for 12 years. Functional Restoration program, multi disciplinary, ideals I believe in. 

I attended and completed a 6 week, full day FRP in 2009. I started within a week of a full revision SCS surgery. Initially permanently implanted in 2006.

If I could have MLT 2-3 times a year I would. What I’m hopeful for is a physician who can assist my rough points so that I can continue to do my home PT, my post MLT protocols and assist me in maintaining my SCS. I haven’t had a provider for it for 2 years either. 

I look forward to a physician knowledgeable in CRPS reviewing my records. And this because I was a model patient, in compliance, and I loved my last pain management provider and all those I established great relationships with over the years. I just don’t love that day when I.was let go during the most physically and emotionally unsteady weeks of my life. 

What I’ll always be appreciative of is that the lead man at the FRC Mr. Wurster continued to see me and provide LLLT and Bowen weeks after I was terminated at the clinic. After a couple of months I stopped going, I knew he went out on a limb for me and I didn’t want conflict for him. Me, always worried about someone else. I thank him still.

The point is Dr. Levin gave me an LSB 3 weeks before. If I was a bad person or bad patient that would have never taken place. It was my follow-up appointment for that block, my scheduled appointment combined, my SCS integrity check, and to reveal that first suicide attempt 9 days before. Where I had already reached out with embarrassment and insecurity asking to speak with or meet in person the psych staff. No one responded. I know the practice was switching hands and chaos existed. It was no more my fault than it was theirs not being able to keep up on patients.

I’m not sure what I could have done right or better during that appointment to have changed the outcome. Be your own best advocate they say.

2 years yesterday I accepted the Bakken Award in person. I went without any pain relieving assistance, I was withdrawing from Cymbalta and Zonegran hard. I had oral surgery days before. I could barely walk, barely talk, I was dangling on the edge. I wish that entire experience was different. 

A month to the day I would choose to bail from this world for the first time. 

Really in hindsight it was all meant to go the way that it did because I learned that f I wanted to live, regardless of diagnosis’,  regardless of pain, regardless, I’d have to do that by my own self will. 

I have. 

My grandson is celebrating his 12th birthday with his grandparents. 

There are angels among us.

His actual birthday is February 2nd. I quit drinking that day last year. After all was said and done, I haven’t misused alcohol since. 
Progress continues…

Opioids, Pain Relief, Progress

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The Pain News Network reported https://www.painnewsnetwork.org/stories/2018/1/11/an-open-letter-to-my-senator  An Open Letter To My Senator.

I read this man’s story and my heart tugged hard. I have his same diagnosis’ and a few more. Pain hurts.

Some people are under the assumption that I’m either against opioid therapy or that because I’m not using them that I’m some how opposed to them or just not in the same pain or similar need.

I’ve already gone through what so many are going through now. I’ve testified on behalf of pain patients, I was on the CDC conference call that ended up establishing the guidelines. Additionally, my written response is part of the record, too. I did a lot on behalf of pain awareness. I should.have been doing more for myself.

I speak of my progress and healing because people need to know that it wasn’t my choice to be discarded, dismissed, or thrown away. It eventually, after choosing to end my life on 4 separate occasions (after) became my choice to go on without medication management, or Pain Management because what else was I supposed to do? It became my choice to stay.
I still don’t have a provider for CRPS. February will be 2 years. 

What I had was MLT right in the nick of time. Next week will be a year since the last time. 

What I have now is post.MLT protocols that keep me stable enough. Enough.

Now that I’ve come through it, cleansed my body of all the yuck my goal is to still remain off medications. This is because 16 years of meds regardless of their assistance also damaged my ability to manage myself. Acupuncture, PT, psych aspects to pain is what I’m most interested in. Cymbalta never again.

I reached out via email to another provider today. Not close to my home. Hours away. I’ll figure out transportation upon any acceptance. 

Since I began writing this, I did receive a call back almost immediately for my records to be sent for review. PeterAbaci.com 

Grateful. 

Father Like Son 

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Or is it son like father? I’ve mentioned before that I was a few months from 30 when our son was born. His dad already was. Our daughter’s were born nearly a decade earlier. 

We all had a blast tonight. I had them rolling in laughter. Several times. 

I loved that. I loved sharing their laughter. 

But mostly I loved being the reason for it. 

Quick witted, on the fly, hilarious. 

They’re both alpha males and because of that they’ve sometimes clashed. A dominant can’t go up against a dominant without one of them submitting unless a respect settles a discussion, feud, or compromise. 

As wolves in the wild they’d most likely kill one another. As humans its possible for both to remain and thrive among each other.

The alpha may become ill, age, deteriorate, but when his pup grows into his equal and is right there to carry his load? And his pack? As the only blood to carry his name, uphold his wishes and protect his property? 

Ozra, Jasmine, and Erik. January 13, 2018. Old Spaghetti Factory. Sacramento.

He knows that his puppy provided when he couldn’t and that he himself is working on expressing his love and gratitude without growling. 

One is 20, the other is 50.
Padre como hijo.

Clumsy or…

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Let’s see how long it takes this time. Early yesterday afternoon I went outside to accept a delivery. I signed for it, received it, and proceeded back inside.

We have a heavy duty steel screen door. I must have swung it too hard behind me to close it before I stepped inside fully and my foot got caught beneath the metal frame and door frame. Ugh at the stinging as I pulled the screen door off my ankle. I wanted to scream, cry and yell out every profanity I knew.

I didn’t do any of them. 

I just stood there grabbing the door frame to support my balance until I could make it to the recliner just a few feet away. Pain was loud yet only in my head 

I had walked outside in just socks onto the wet pavement. 

I didn’t take those socks off or even look and my foot for over an hour after. I had to put myself again directly into the mindset of don’t worry, don’t stress over it, go to your happy places.

I peeled those wet socks off finally.

Dog hair, soggy from outside, yuck.

I did think later, well I won’t be driving to the little store as planned now. 

I had re injured myself in May too and fairly badly. I didn’t go get xrays or see a doctor. It took nearly 2 months to fully heal, but I was right on top of it with Epsom soaks, ice, rest and movement. It was the first time in 16 years I had used ice on a CRPS limb. I didn’t really have a choice. Wait! I did. I could have stayed away from the ice and accepted those consequences, too. 

I won’t be seeking medical care this time either.

We were invited to dinner with our son and his girl for tonight. 

Going.
(The majority of this blog was written yesterday, injury was early on the 11th. Last 2 photos were taken earlier today)

Lazy Day

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I slept in late. Meat was in the crock pot by noontime. Will add carrots, potatoes and onion halves in a couple of.hours.

I generally trim any fat off. I left a little on this time to make a natural au jus with it. He can have his tri tip with sides, I’m having a French dip. 

Of course any fat will be removed before dinner. Western medicine recommends and is even sometimes adamant about removing salt from our diets, especially for heart health. Please be advised that iodine is an essential element our bodies require for sustainability. Moderation is all we need, ever.

Our daughter and grandson are already on the greyhound to Texas. I’m going to drive to the store just down the street Friday or Saturday. It will be the 4th time I’ve driven over the last year. I’m not skilled for lane changes, abrupt stops or freeways still. Getting myself out even twice a month would be a plus and progress. Continued goals. In person, I’m fairly quiet and to myself. Shocking to some, I’m sure. 

This is an otherwise lazy day and I like it.

Movie time.

Stone Cold Sober

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​

Stone Cold Sober

Brantley Gilbert

I guess I said some thing’s last night
That’s usually in the morning light
I regret it
Like double shots and cigarettes
Said things like
“I love you baby” and
“I know I sound crazy, but let’s just work this out ya and maybe settle down”

I woke up hungover
But still had to call you
‘Cause I just realized girl
That maybe it was all true, yeah

I let the whiskey talk
And baby it said too much
I got the feeling now
It didn’t say enough
‘Cause I’m waking up alone
Missing that midnight kiss
I can’t promise you forever
All I know is I still want you to come over
And I’m stone cold sober

Well I can lie about 99 percent of the time
When I’ve had too much to drink
Yeah I do stupid things

But this time is different
And baby it feels so right
I hope you were listening
To every word I said last night

I let the whiskey talk
And baby it said too much
I got the feeling now
It didn’t say enough
‘Cause I’m waking up alone
Missing that midnight kiss
I can’t promise you forever
All I know is I still want you to come over
And I’m stone cold sober

Yeah I got blood shot eyes (Got blood shot eyes)
But it’s all crystal clear (All crystal clear)
No I don’t need Jim Beam
To know I need you here

Yeah I let the whiskey talk
And baby it said too much
And I got the feeling now
It didn’t say enough
‘Cause I’m waking up alone
Missing that midnight kiss
I can’t promise you forever
All I know is I still want you to come over
Baby all I know is I still need you to come over
And I’m stone cold sober

Yeah baby I’m stone cold sober

Come on over

https://youtu.be/kNyeaaHKPPA

Stone Cold Sober


(The first step in any recovery is admitting a problem was either.brewing… or….) 


Priorities

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As last summer approached I had developed a daily routine, a schedule. I woke early, started chores, prepped dinner, and was in my little kiddie pool by 11:00 a.m. where I did weightless activity in addition to stretching in an attempt to restore bodily function lost over many years. 

Dinner was ready and served by 3:30 p.m. on a regular basis and I was in bed early in order to rise early. 

I was improving myself in all ways and I knew that if I didn’t put myself first that there wouldn’t be any me, or us.

I’m able to snap to a new situation, adapt, be on top of a crisis. I may not like it, or even want to, but I do. 

Upon my husband’s last hospitalization a couple of months ago, I really had to decide how I would manage both of us. I chose him. 

He’s lost an incredible amount of weight in just a few months. Coronary Heart Disease, Diabetes, and Chronic Pain Syndrome are his main diagnosis’.

Weight loss isn’t from the illnesses, but from life changes.  

He doesnt have CRPS/RSD. There’s a difference between the CRPS and CPS. 

He returned to work late August. My schedule and routine was altered in order to coincide with his. I’m usually up in the morning before he is, but not as early as I had been. I’m up when he arrives home from work and I have his dinner hot and ready. 

I get a nap each evening between 6-7 p.m. with a little variation and a couple of dozes. Generally by 7:30 p.m. I wake back up and make an espresso. At that time there’s still nearly 4 hours before he gets home.

I still batch cook food to freeze. This affords me a heat and serve night. 

I’ve pretty much disconnected myself from people. Places and things remain the same (isolation). Other than painting, playing scrabble, drum, Spanish, and the courses I’m studying from home it’s where I stay. 

Last night I was making our dinner. The stove caught on fire. 

When he got home less than an hour later, he said ahhh it smells so good. I wanted to smile. Tears started to rain as I told him to go look at the kitchen thinking.he’d be upset. 

He came back, hugged me tightly, kissed me and told me I did everything right to put that fire out. 

Well shit! I don’t want to know.how to do everything right. I pretend I can. Oh poor whoa is me, right? Nope!

I don’t want to know how to live without him. 

And so,

His life remains my priority, 

32 years in 5 months. 

I Lost My Marbles

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But I still have my balls. 

Ha!

I use marbles for therapy. I’ve misplaced them. I still have the tennis balls close by. I use the marbles the most for my hands. It really is amazing what we can use for pain relief that might seem a bit silly to some. I use them in different ways for hands, feet and body. To roll out knots, reduce inflammation, promote blood flow and better internal organ function. 

The tennis ball techniques I learned while receiving MLT. The marbles was some months back off the top of my head during a hand flare. 

Imagine what we can do with a spatula. Hilarious!

Our oldest daughter Kharisma and our grandson De’Mantai will be on a Greyhound soon, destination Texas to spend time with our daughter Rikki who moved there in November. From there Rikki is driving them to my parents in Georgia as previously planned.

We learned 2 days ago that my dad has 4 blood clots in one leg and 3 in the other. These are unrelated to his stage 4 cancer. He’s an active man, but he’s to be on bed rest now with the blood thinners and depression is already.present as a result. 

My wish is that their grandkids arriving in a week or so brings them all comfort.

Today is a significant anniversary to something I won’t mention this time. This year there won’t be any grief over it. It had taken awhile to let that one go. It’s been gone as it was for so long a year today. The 26th will be the anniversary to the injury that led to CRPS 17 years ago. Ridding myself of most of that too. It’s like a bug you can’t flick off. 

The bruising is fading from the dog bite on new years eve and the bites themselves are doing well. His are a little slower healing. I mixed lavender with OTC lidocaine, and fresh steeped Turmeric for topical relief. 

Well I’m off to play with my balls, check in with mom,  steep another batch of my medicinal tea concoction, do a few Spanish lessons and burn some white sage which I’ve done each day since starting. It really has helped restore balance and life force, but I suppose it wouldn’t if.I didn’t believe in it.

Oh where oh where have my marbles gone. 

Happy 2nd week of 2018.

Through The Fire

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“He never promised that the cross would not get heavy

And the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered a victory without fighting.

He said help would always come in time.”


https://youtu.be/kRn7gpxUSg4


So many times I question the certain circumstances 
And things I could not understand.

Many times in trials my weakness blurs my vision 
And that's when my frustration gets so out of hand.
It's then I am reminded, I've never been forsaken.
I've never had to stand one test alone.
As I look at all the victories, the Spirit rises up in me.
And It's through the fire my weakness is made strong.

He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered a victory without fighting.
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you're standing in the valley of decision
And the advisory says give in, Just hold on.
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again

I know within myself that I would surly perish
If I trust the hand of God, He'll shield the flame again.

He never promised that the cross would not get heavy
And the hill would not be hard to climb.
He never offered a victory without fighting.
He said help would always come in time.
Just remember when you're standing in the valley of decision
And the advisory says give in, Just hold on.
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again

Just hold on
Our Lord will show up (Yeah)
And He will take you through the fire again.
Through The Fire
The Crabb Family Live

The Day After Yesterday

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Our new years day and evening was pleasant. He worked that morning and.our son was coming to get me for Church as arranged. I was up at 8:00 a.m. and ready for his arrival. 

I called him before he reached me to tell him I couldn’t go after all. My dogs were in a mood and and even though I had already separated them in order to leave, as soon as I closed the door behind me and stepped outside the gate to meet Ozra they started howling like wolves, loudly. I could hear them from the driveway. I had an uneasy feeling.

My husband got home from work early afternoon. I had done chores, my physical routines, and got everything ready to cook the next day. 

We played Words, listened to music and I was inclined to reactivate Facebook to wish everyone a happy New Year, share some progress and family. 

All was good.

And then,

The dog fight. I mean that literally. We both jumped up, he grabbed 2 of them, and was bit pretty badly in 3 fingers and his thumb. I grabbed the other 2 that suddenly wanted to fight as well and was bit pretty good with both a gash and puncture in my left lower thumb. The puncture hit the bone and swelled through to the palm of my hand. 

Now I had 2 near worthless hands, he had one good one. As we’re both securing our own mass bleeding my mind goes straight to I don’t care about CRPS. Don’t care about if a flare starts, not worried about a spread. If I cared that much I would have reminded myself before I intervened, I have CRPS you can’t get involved in a dog fight and don’t help him either. I might think a lot of things, but I don’t think like that. 

Regardless of the situation, I had planned to cook a Turkey and it still needed to get done.

I re deactivated Facebook. 

I needed to get creative in order to achieve my goal and throw any pain or thoughts of it away that could otherwise halt or alter new years day.

At 3:30 p.m yesterday the bird came out of the oven and dinner was still a success. 

He left for work nearly 2 hours ago swollen, punctured and gashed. He works in fulfillment, he uses his hands and feet all day. I’m not sure how he’ll manage the shift but I have faith in him that even in pain he will. 

The only part I got upset at but held back on repeating was that I told him immediately to wash his hands. He didn’t. Today his hand shows signs of infection. Today too I did mention again that I told him to care for it and he said he did. Yeah once the next day. To be clear, I’m speaking of wound washing. Before work he went to buy peroxide, triple antibiotic ointment and bandages.

We want help, advice, want our injuries and pain acknowledged, yet won’t consider enough any that’s given until it’s too late to reduce further damage, complications or pain. 

I’m glad it happened on the eve. It went bye bye at midnight and yesterday was good even though my perception or mindset could have been all bad.

Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.” –Oprah Winfrey