It’s been about 6 weeks since my husband’s 3rd heart attack. I’m just now bringing myself back up from the worse depressive low in 11 months. It’s been 4 weeks since I deactivated my Facebook. In my emotional despair I moved out of our house and into the 2 room conversion. I would only come inside when he was at work. In the depression, I could only think I had to teach myself to live without him because if I didn’t I would never know how to for myself.
Depression and suicidal ideations often co exist, yet one doesn’t always have to include the other. I wasn’t suicidal, I just couldn’t feel anything but heartache. 
I’ve been sick since the 17th and it took its toll on me as well. I can’t risk missing a day of stretching because my body needs it for chronic pain maintenance. My ribs hurt so bad from coughing, I could feel my physical stability decline too.

My Diverticulosis flared into Diverticulitis to the point I had to buy baby butt cream because I was so raw from “those” accidents that simultaneously included the inability to control my bladder it was like a severe diaper rash.

Of course that hasn’t been a pleasant experience and depression worsened. On top of it, I can feel my skeletal frame shifting again, I could barely lift my head due to the pulling in my neck. If I could get my head up high enough I could get moments of relief, but it was difficult to maintain its position. I have a travel pillow that will encircle the neck and button closed. I used it to support my head and neck when sitting and sleeping. I had to sleep laying on my arm behind my back. 

I smudged our home and prayed for peace, tranquility, love, light. I prayed for guidance from the angels, healers and teachers. I gave gratitude for my experiences, the good, the bad, and the ugly, so that I might heal and teach others as my journey continues. 

Even though my low was unsteady, Today, I praise myself for getting through it by my own self will and the encouragement of a loved one that I would.

I am.

Into the new year…