Overcoming a Meltdown

It’s been one flare after another. From CRPS to my spine. Back and forth, up and down. Head to toe.

Little relief in any of it. Nights are worse and while I’ve worked hard on trying to get to sleep at a decent time and rise earlier again I couldn’t get in any position so far tonight, which is now this morning, that hasn’t caused additional full body strain and pain.

At the moment, I’m tolerating.

Currently, I’m sitting up, pillows propped behind me and at my sides. I’ve taken every supplement on hand. I’ve had to discontinue Ibuprofen and similar NSAIDS. It tore my stomach up this week. Back to Tylenol.

The last time I had a meltdown was late 2018.

So that there’s no misunderstanding my last suicidal episode was January 2017.

This wasn’t any of that.

I’ve been managing RSD/CRPS, clinical depression/Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety, and other chronic illnesses on my own for years now. I’m still adapting to not having use of my Spinal Cord Stimulator. Non working, still implanted.

Life piles on more than I can handle at times. I know I’m not alone in that. If I’m in a flare when something happens, for example, my husbands 4th heart attack in 2018, my ability to take on both the physical and emotional traumas together can cause each to worsen drastically. In 2018, I picked up the booze again for a couple of months.

This recent meltdown just a couple of days ago was better than previous ones because I didn’t think about ending my life, nor did I consider alcohol.

It was intense bouts of tears, fears, choking on air, snotty discharge, gasping for breath, pounding head ache, panic attacks,, my limbs locking,, and I couldn’t in those moments shut those emotions down by just wanting to. I wish it was that simple.

I prayed. Slowed my breathing, grabbed on to thoughts of good, and objects I could see, and eventually I came out of it. It wasn’t the only one this week. I was overwhelmed beyond description.

There was no anger to lash out in any way.

It’s taken 5 years to get this far.

I do remove myself now a days from many situations, but we can’t remove ourselves from everything. Some things require our attention more than others.

Some situations affect us more than others might especially when loved ones are concerned.

They will always be both my weakness and strength.

Today I’m 1 year, 8 months, and 1 week sober. đź’Ż percent.

Nope, not today Satan.

Highs and Lows

I reactivated Facebook and my posts were all positive highs. My lows would come eventually and they did. 4 days ago I began weaning myself from the 30 of Cymbalta to 15, I had already reduced from 60 to 30. I’ll never know until I’m completely off of it again if my choice to do so can be a positive outcome. After more than a half dozen times in less than 2 years of abrupt discontinuation and what the brain itself goes through just to get through it, I have no idea if I’ll ever be what I was before ever starting it over a decade ago. Perhaps I should not have allowed anyone to put me back on it for nerve damage/depression after I was off it for nearly 6 months in 2016. Cymbalta is a Selective Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor.

https://www.drugs.com/cymbalta.html

http://www.fda.gov/Safety/MedWatch/SafetyInformation/SafetyAlertsforHumanMedicalProducts/ucm150748.htm

When we consider that the chemicals in our brains are altered by the use of these medications, common sense dictates an effect, adverse or otherwise, when removing them from our bodies. The natural chemicals have to work again, or not. It’s not so simple, but it’s understood.

My husband has been in failing health for years. Finally, I think he’s taken to heart the importance of what he can do for himself with or without myself to prevent further illness and even restore that which has already declined.

Sometimes it’s takes doing something profound to make a profound difference. ~Twinkle EKV

Don’t worry my friends it may seem like something is wrong but on the contrary everything is quite right or where it should be right now.

I promised my kids that if I ever felt like going where I had before, I’d do one thing. I did. I kept that promise and they kept theirs. That’s reestablishing trust and commitment.

I’m a little too smart, and a little too dumb to let an opportunity to help someone else pass us by. That’s okay because I love being both.

If I stopped talking about it all the purpose in the purpose itself would fade. That would mean that there would be no impact to make to show people they can physically heal, and when they heal, those emotions can also.

Somebody asked me if I still have a job..

Yes I do,

Until I don’t.

spiritual-healing-image-words-image-source-manifistation-divine

Image Source: Manifestation Divine

Up Above The World So High

I’m beginning to find interest again in all the things I missed out on or failed to even recognize anymore because of pain, weakness and depression. Yesterday I gazed at the slowly moving clouds in the sky all day. Imagining the heavens above and the cosmos as being the same. Wishing I could fall into them like I do with all the feather and down pillows that surround me when I lay down to rest or sleep. I want to play in those clouds and bask in those feathery plush particles above the earths surface.

clouds-sacramento-december-16-2016-image-source-twinkle-vanfleet

Clouds- Sacramento, California. December 16, 16.

 

I had believed for so long that my only worth was in the pain communities and legislative matters that affect people in pain. I haven’t disregarded that belief. It’s all part of my story, my journey, but now I’m realizing that I am worthy of more than just pain.

Pain and pleasure.


Quoted from Twitter @rsdcrpsfire December 15, 2016

“I understand now. You don’t know me because all you met was pain. Makes sense because you never met the person without it.”

“I wish you knew no pain. We’d have never met w/out it & bc of that… I’m grateful that I had to hurt too much to be a part of any of you.”


I’ll never be without ailments of one sort or other, too many, but I can be without most of them despite it all.

I want to wake up to new days now and try again even when I go to sleep hurting from accomplishing things I haven’t done in years. The things I do daily to promote strength and healing. Even when the bouts of MDD and SAD have me sliding a little.

I don’t want to be a person only known for pain because I’m not pain.

I’m  me.

You might even love this person with less pain, little pain, no pain, in remission, more than you ever loved the person who only felt pain and was destroyed over it.

You might.

That person, whoever she was, was the one on TV, in posters, in the news, published in hard print, audio online, etc and so forth. She’s the one who was a publisher, high management, who was always upbeat, playful, funny, and high spirited even in crisis way back when in order to relieve pain from others. And she did.

Every new day is getting closer to that someday that wasn’t going to be possible again in this lifetime.

Now it is.