I’m beginning to find interest again in all the things I missed out on or failed to even recognize anymore because of pain, weakness and depression. Yesterday I gazed at the slowly moving clouds in the sky all day. Imagining the heavens above and the cosmos as being the same. Wishing I could fall into them like I do with all the feather and down pillows that surround me when I lay down to rest or sleep. I want to play in those clouds and bask in those feathery plush particles above the earths surface.

Clouds- Sacramento, California. December 16, 16.

I had believed for so long that my only worth was in the pain communities and legislative matters that affect people in pain. I haven’t disregarded that belief. It’s all part of my story, my journey, but now I’m realizing that I am worthy of more than just pain.

Pain and pleasure.

Quoted from Twitter @rsdcrpsfire December 15, 2016

“I understand now. You don’t know me because all you met was pain. Makes sense because you never met the person without it.”

“I wish you knew no pain. We’d have never met w/out it & bc of that… I’m grateful that I had to hurt too much to be a part of any of you.”

I’ll never be without ailments of one sort or other, too many, but I can be without most of them despite it all.

I want to wake up to new days now and try again even when I go to sleep hurting from accomplishing things I haven’t done in years. The things I do daily to promote strength and healing. Even when the bouts of MDD and SAD have me sliding a little.

I don’t want to be a person only known for pain because I’m not pain.

I’m  me.

You might even love this person with less pain, little pain, no pain, in remission, more than you ever loved the person who only felt pain and was destroyed over it.

You might.

That person, whoever she was, was the one on TV, in posters, in the news, published in hard print, audio online, etc and so forth. She’s the one who was a publisher, high management, who was always upbeat, playful, funny, and high spirited even in crisis way back when in order to relieve pain from others. And she did.

Every new day is getting closer to that someday that wasn’t going to be possible again in this lifetime.

Now it is.