It’s been one flare after another. From CRPS to my spine. Back and forth, up and down. Head to toe.

Little relief in any of it. Nights are worse and while I’ve worked hard on trying to get to sleep at a decent time and rise earlier again I couldn’t get in any position so far tonight, which is now this morning, that hasn’t caused additional full body strain and pain.

At the moment, I’m tolerating.

Currently, I’m sitting up, pillows propped behind me and at my sides. I’ve taken every supplement on hand. I’ve had to discontinue Ibuprofen and similar NSAIDS. It tore my stomach up this week. Back to Tylenol.

The last time I had a meltdown was late 2018.

So that there’s no misunderstanding my last suicidal episode was January 2017.

This wasn’t any of that.

I’ve been managing RSD/CRPS, clinical depression/Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety, and other chronic illnesses on my own for years now. I’m still adapting to not having use of my Spinal Cord Stimulator. Non working, still implanted.

Life piles on more than I can handle at times. I know I’m not alone in that. If I’m in a flare when something happens, for example, my husbands 4th heart attack in 2018, my ability to take on both the physical and emotional traumas together can cause each to worsen drastically. In 2018, I picked up the booze again for a couple of months.

This recent meltdown just a couple of days ago was better than previous ones because I didn’t think about ending my life, nor did I consider alcohol.

It was intense bouts of tears, fears, choking on air, snotty discharge, gasping for breath, pounding head ache, panic attacks,, my limbs locking,, and I couldn’t in those moments shut those emotions down by just wanting to. I wish it was that simple.

I prayed. Slowed my breathing, grabbed on to thoughts of good, and objects I could see, and eventually I came out of it. It wasn’t the only one this week. I was overwhelmed beyond description.

There was no anger to lash out in any way.

It’s taken 5 years to get this far.

I do remove myself now a days from many situations, but we can’t remove ourselves from everything. Some things require our attention more than others.

Some situations affect us more than others might especially when loved ones are concerned.

They will always be both my weakness and strength.

Today I’m 1 year, 8 months, and 1 week sober. 💯 percent.

Nope, not today Satan.