This Week

While my outside of the water push ups did cause some soreness it didn’t cause any flare. I was over at our son’s the other day and so I missed my pool time. I laid on his carpet and did my push up set. The weird thing about it is the incredible headache that came on and lasted for about 45 minutes. The first time I didn’t think anything of it because I figured I pushed myself too hard and maybe just got a head rush as a result.

The next time, same thing. It doesn’t start though until I’m straining a bit or more. It’s never happened in the water that intensely probably because the water reduces any strain. I felt like I was going to pass out but it eased back down within the hour.

It’s things like this that can make it easier to stop trying more. Almost easier to not do them and avoid the headache or other symptoms all together. It’s crossed my mind like a quick flash of floaties.

Could be too that as I started those upper body routines, I also added neck exercises/movement into my daily movements. Not just a couple up downs with my head, or side to sides, but sets. If I have to I’ll back off of the girl push ups and just do neck movements for awhile.

I don’t know if I’m irritating my cervical spine with both, or if its just that my body is trying to adjust to it all. My lumbar spine doesn’t like me right now but that’s fine, I don’t like it either. Lol.

I got the Depo injection about 5 weeks ago in an attempt to ease down female troubles. I missed the next 2 cycles and have been on for 15 consecutive days again. It’s sort of a “Yay, but you’re doing great” crusher. I don’t feel great and I want to. I read on the internet it can take up to a year. If it’s on the internet it must be true. Jeez. Instead of having the injection again I’m suppose to have Nexplanon put back in. Seriously this stuff is way too much.

I woke up this morning with cramps so bad I was like don’t even get up today. But the little birdie on my shoulder was like get your ass up right now. So I did. Ha! It’s sort of an aggressive little birdie sometimes. 🙂

I sent a bunch of documents to my Kindle for offline reading because an internet break is about to begin sometime today. At least it’s suppose to.

I’m gonna nibble on my rx medicinal cannabis cookie today because I swear sometimes a little relief is necessary.  I might have already. 😛

I don’t use it very often so I’m always naive again when I do. Kinda funny, cannabis naive. But I am.

I don’t know why it’s called natural menopause when there isn’t anything natural about what comes before it. Natural would be that thing stopping one day and never coming back. It’s just not the nature I look forward to.

I want to get out in the garage and go through all the packed away things that I haven’t even seen for years. I want to get the boxing gym over here but I’m not sure yet if it’s worth doing so especially if I can’t or don’t use it yet. I haven’t used the slider in weeks now. Longer than that even. Not since I sprained my foot on it and that progress went backwards quick. I know I know, I need to face my fears. Maybe later. 🙂

I’ve been using the shake weight across my belly. I started sit ups (in the water a couple of weeks ago) I can do some crunches now outside of the water too. I use the shake weight for both breathing exercises and muscle control. I’ve really changed lack of muscle control to controlling them better. My limbs get a little wobbly sometimes still or spasms sneak in, and those use to exist everyday. It’s not all day long anymore. Some people use books or the like on their stomach, but the shake weight works for me because I also use it to practice keeping it there rather than letting it roll off me. The right side of my belly is bigger than my left because my ribs have shifted some. My left side is a downward incline. In other words my belly isn’t level. The shake weight is useful for me to control those muscles better. 🙂

It’s going to be in the triple digits today. I need to finish up some notes and lists for my son and get outside. I’m actually behind today. I’m usually already outside at least once by now.

Sunshine - Clip Art Library

It’s really tough when the devil up in it. It really is. lol


It’s All About The Fun

Because without laughter, things to laugh at, people to laugh with there’s nothing but pain as a primary focus.

I love quoting movie lines, tossing up lyrics, mixing saying’s, character study, personality shifts, acting. That’s my fun stuff.

Off to prep dinner for this evening.

I love spankin’ the meat too because that’s how you get a really good seasoned rub on.


Happy Thursday!

Triple Wide Down

Consider this a mix of humor, seriousness and heart.

Okay, so my butt has been a total breaking down triple wide since I was in my early 30’s and after CRPS. For those of you who need some visual that means my health related issues gifted me a triple wide ass and one that I should have never accepted. Deteriorating as a result of everything I didn’t do for it! You know like “I gotta big butt and I cannot lie?” I’m thrilled to report that it’s a double wide now.  😛


Make my double wide even better. (I’ll show you when my mood tells me to. Lol)

Try not to build so much muscle that people who try to do me dirty don’t become my bitch! (Word porn: Perception and interpretation. I’ll never tell)

Try not to do things with the shake weight that other people find offending. (Focus on the ones who love it. :))


Stronger Than Pain






I’ve talked about weightless water activity and being able to increase movement in my kiddie pool. Today I did 12 girl push ups without water. I reached 5 and I was like OMG that’s enough, but I went for 6 and then I told myself just one more so I did. I reached 8 and knew I should probably stop, but I didn’t. 10! Come on cry baby you can do another one. I did 2 more and 12 was it!

I’m so sore. My right side fingers started pulsating and that arm started throwing a fit. I took some Ibuprofen and then a nap.

Here’s my dilemma. My goal will need to always be 12 now +. Ugh! I know it’s new pain so there isn’t anything negative about it. I know the old pain will sometimes be instigated by pushing myself. I just don’t want to feel like if I don’t make the 12 I’ve gone backwards somehow. I’ve done this to myself several times before. Overdoing new efforts and increasing pain levels as a result. I also put on some Voltaren Gel before I fell asleep.

Last time I increased pain was from spinal movements in both my lumbar and cervical spine. Ouch! That was a little rough. It was about 5 weeks ago I think and lasted a few days. This is why I don’t have the time I want to have in other things offline or online. These routines and movements take up a fair majority of my days and I’m just whooped after.

How many want to even attempt doing things like these or even care to spend much of the day doing it? Hardly no one. Some won’t do 5 minutes a day. It wouldn’t have been my first choice for long term pain stability and the constant efforts in rehabilitating my own body wouldn’t have happened either if after having MLT, a sheet of paper was tossed at me with physical therapy therapies to try to achieve on my own that I couldn’t reach in all that horrible pain. . It’s hard!

Nearly everyone who goes to outpatient PT is sent home with exercises to perform as self therapy. Some people try, others throw it away, a few actually get through those at all and most don’t continue trying because expectations are set up for failure. Some people need help to even be able to move themselves, or parts of themselves. I never in a million years thought I would ever reach any of this. It could be that being forced to by not having any other pain care is what made that difference for me after the Gohl Method.

I don’t want to wither away from any pain or illness and I don’t want my future to be nothing but disabilities. I’ve accomplished something else too in it all. It’s a habit to do these stretches and movements each day without having to remind myself and it’s a habit even when I don’t feel well at all.

This is why I needed a year and why I may need another one before I can be active in advocacy again. I can’t worry about the internet so much right now, time spent here, would be accumulated aches and pains too.

Even those people who didn’t have any pain issues, the working class, end up having pain from sedentary positions. It’s why ergonomic work stations were developed in order to reduce complications in one’s body.

Reducing or removing stress factors are important also because the body itself feels stress as physical pain. Stress isn’t just in the mind. Relaxation, meditation, breathing exercises, a little yoga has all benefited me in the water and out of it.

Easier said than done, I know.

I’m hopeful that eventually energy will increase and I’ll get at least 5 decent years out of it all.

images - beach



Upcoming week

We’re going over to our daughter Kharisma’s next week for a BBQ. I’m looking forward to seeing her and spending time with LaLa’s mom. Will get over to Ozra’s some time this week. I haven’t seen his new apartment yet. May see Rikki later today.

Started laundry about 6 a.m. this morning. Thinking about a camping trip next month. Don’t think we’ll go for more than a day. Was invited for the few days, but I won’t leave my dogs that long. Just can’t do it. I do love camping though. Great family memories of the times we spent in Rumsey at the Cache Creek Campground in Yolo County.

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I like to visualize a little cabin or hut on a beach. No electricity, no internet, bare necessities, a few books, and my dogs. Yes, my husband too but I’d probably be the one to have to hunt for our food, cook it, serve it, and clean up after it.

Never mind! I don’t want the beach anymore. lol

Happy Tuesday!




Cutting Hair

My anxiety has been a little high over doing something I haven’t done in many years. My husband asked me to cut his hair a couple of weeks ago. I use to cut his hair, our children’s hair, family, I did a few friends as requested. I use to do body piercings for others. I’ve pierced brows, I’ve done Monroe’s, I’ve done bellies, nose etc. That’s something I’ll most likely never do for anyone again. I’ve been asked, I’ve declined. My hand isn’t quite that steady anymore, but I think it’s steady enough to cut his hair.

His hair is really long right now. It’s close to being as long as mine. His hair is curly so the worse result is that any errors will be hidden in shorter curls or would need to be fixed by a professional.

Learning to reduce fears of trying again isn’t always easy, yet to try at all is rewarding. If I wasn’t trying some of these things again, I wouldn’t have ever gotten this far and I doubt I’d get any further.

In pain we stop doing the things that pain prevents us from. We don’t want to hurt more, we don’t want to instigate spreads, or flare ups, we stop using what hurts and we also stop it for the rest of our bodies and the result is deterioration, more diagnoses’, gastrointestinal issues and it’s not all a direct result of originating illness itself. It’s partially due to non use after the fact.

A few months ago, post MLT, the feeling in my middle finger returned, my index finger while arthritic has most of it’s feeling back. It’s just my thumb, inner palm and the part of my wrist that’s connected to my thumb that doesn’t feel fully.


I wish you all pain eased days and nights.

FDA Study Calls for More Aggressive Opioid Regulation — Pain News Network

By Pat Anson, Editor

A new report commissioned by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration is calling for a sustained and coordinated national campaign to combat the opioid crisis, including more aggressive regulation of opioids by the FDA and a “cultural change” in the prescribing of opioid medication,

The report by a special committee of the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine(NASEM) focuses primarily on restricting the supply of prescription opioids, not illicit opioids such as heroin and fentanyl, which are now driving the so-called opioid epidemic.

“The broad reach of the epidemic has blurred the formerly distinct social boundary between prescribed opioids and illegally manufactured ones, such as heroin,” said committee chair Richard Bonnie, a Professor of Medicine and Law at the University of Virginia.

“This report provides an action plan directed particularly at the health professions and government agencies responsible for regulating them. This plan aims to help the millions of people who suffer from chronic pain while reducing unnecessary opioid prescribing. We also wanted to convey a clear message about the magnitude of the challenge. This epidemic took nearly two decades to develop, and it will take years to unravel.”

The report estimates that at least 2 million people in the U.S. have an “opioid use disorder” involving prescription opioids — meaning they are addicted to prescription painkillers — and almost 600,000 have an opioid use disorder involving heroin.

Although opioid prescribing has been declining for several years and the number of overdose deaths from prescription opioids has remained relatively stable in recent years, deaths from illicit opioids such as heroin have tripled in the past decade.

Read the full article


Source: FDA Study Calls for More Aggressive Opioid Regulation — Pain News Network

Personal Commentary: “This plan aims to help the millions of people who suffer from chronic pain while reducing unnecessary opioid prescribing.”

How can it help the millions of people who suffer from chronic pain if opioid prescribing is reduced or denied for said chronic pain sufferers? Who chooses which patients receive or are rejected? The physician or the government?

“The report claimed that many people who normally would use prescription opioids have transitioned to heroin because of the declining price of heroin and the introduction of abuse-deterrent formulations that make opioid medication harder to snort or inject.”

Yet the report declines to mention the many people who have never transitioned to heroin or any other type of illicit drugs.

These reports never mention the vast majority of patients who remain compliant, who’ve never failed a scheduled or random drug screen, who’s quality of life however slight was a quality enough to stay alive for.

Perhaps it’s the people who aren’t in the chronic pain they claim to be that are abusing the system and heading for heroin and perhaps it’s easier to lump us all together for political gain and ulterior motives that have little to do with helping us and everything to do with you. Just you. 

Facebook Messenger

I’m not all that tech savvy as far as Facebook goes. Especially with Facebook and Facebook Messenger having the ability to be 2 separate programs. On my Kindle I have the messenger app with the chat heads. On my laptop I only ever used the messenger from the main Facebook page itself. On my phone, I never used the messenger app.

Ever since deactivating my Facebook account again, I’ve received a few notifications from messenger on my Kindle. I haven’t tried clicking them open, but I can see the first few words of each message without doing so. I’ve verified that my account is inactive.

I’m hesitant to click on them because I don’t know if it will reactivate my account.

If anyone has any tips or information regarding messenger working as an individual communications platform with Facebook connections, please let me know.

download - logo facebook messenger - icons8

I’m not ready to turn my account back on. I can’t even believe it’s been 10 days since not using it again. Time flies.

Staying in touch with people I currently have no access to otherwise would be nice. I don’t sync my contacts to other programs so I do lose everyone when I take my breaks.

Thank you for any information that you may offer.


I love being outside. It’s really peaceful. I did an hour and a half of water workouts. I don’t know yet if calling them workouts is fair. It might seem misleading. All I know is they are workouts to me and I’m going to be really sore tomorrow.

I woke early this morning, prepped dinner, and got a few other things done by the break of dawn. I had slept in late a couple of days in a row and needed to stop that before it became easier to do again.

I was breathing in the late morning air when I started thinking about summer time being over and it being colder outside. I thought that would be the perfect time to use my treadmill. I haven’t quite made it that far yet. I know the weightless water activity is helping more and more each day because movement itself isn’t as difficult. Not in the water that is. There is some difficulty at times not knowing if I should back off a little or continue pushing my threshold. Sometimes I think I’m suppose to be sore because it means I’m succeeding. I remind myself that I haven’t been in horrible pain for months as a result of movement and that I’m doing fairly well not being on pain medication or anti-depressants and that my determination to help myself exceeds any worrisome downfall physically or emotionally that hasn’t come back since my full on self maintenance began.

I love laughing, smiling, being playful, and funny. I dislike having not lost a single pound. Ha! Let me try to give myself some positive affirmations. But you did go down the pant sizes and you have increased muscle. Phew! I’m glad I did that. ~laughs

Anyway, I’m stuck on a series. I started Wentworth and then I started Orange Is The New Black. They both bored me and then Wentworth won for now. I’ve heard so much about Orange Is The New Black that I gave it a go. The first episode didn’t make me feel tingly inside with entertainment.

I’m heading back outside for another hour and then I’m going to be a little lazy and splurge on a couple of episodes before making dinner.

Tomorrow’s going to be a hotter one.





Stronger Than Pain INC

“StrongerThanPain is officially a Non-Profit Organization in California. Our California Entity number is C4037128 and our Federal EIN (Federal Tax ID Number) is 82-1995726. We have many things that we hope to accomplish in the future, including obtaining Federal 501(C)(3) status. Suicide is something that is not talked about enough and we feel like it should be. We may not be able to save the world, but if we can save one person; that’s what makes it worth it. “I Fight, You Fight, We Fight Together“

~ Written by President and CEO Kurtis VanFleet a.k.a my son Ozra.

“Stronger Than Pain recognizes suicide, not as a single entity, but in the vast and diverse entities of life.
We recognize suicide in all aspects of people. We understand that acknowledgement is at the forefront to quality of life, and that prevention is the core source to educate and align hearts everywhere with understanding.

It is our goal to reduce stigma in reaching out, love the hearts in battle, educate our children, and provide resources to under served populations as well as; law enforcement, our military, chronic pain patients, families in crisis, including those families who would never admit a crisis existed. We want to help you be Stronger Than Pain.

We ask that you share with us that which you hold inside and tell us how we might help you to overcome suicidal ideations regardless if you’re “at risk” or seeking to understand and help someone else who is.”


Stronger Than Pain Inc.  is a Non-Profit Organization for Suicide Prevention and Mental Health Awareness. Our mission is to educate and support people in our community and around the world. Stronger Than Pain will educate the public by hosting community events and speaking at schools and conferences.

Kurtis VanFleet – President/Chief Executive Officer

Kurtis is a 20 year old from California who strives on helping others. Dealing with the loss of numerous friends and family due to suicide and depression and knowing that we lose over 40,000 people a year, 5,000 of those being Veterans, and over 250 of those being First Responders, Kurtis wanted to see change. He founded Stronger Than Pain with the help of his mother Twinkle, and hopes to help lower the number of suicides per year. Kurtis is a Private First Class (PFC) in the California Military Department, California State Military Reserve and works full time in Law Enforcement.

Twinkle was diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome in 2003 after a January 26, 2001 work place injury. She’s lived with arthritis and minor ailments since birth. Spinal deterioration, spondylosis, degenerative disc disease, levoscoliois, diverticulitis, and a dozen other pain related illnesses, diagnoseses and syndromes evolved.
She’s been active in pain advocacy for 14 years and has volunteered both in person and via social media for pain care and legislative policy.
Twinkle is currently a Medtronic Patient Ambassador and NPAF volunteer. Kurtis is Twinkle’s youngest child who was only 3 years old when she was permanently injured.
Twinkle is a graduate of John Robert Powers School of Professional Acting, Modeling and Public Speaking. She started college at 15 with a course of study in Law and Theatre. She studied Corporate Publishing at OSC from 2005-7.
She received the Diamond Homor Award for Poetic Excellence in 1998. She was featured and profiled in the November 17, 1994 Edition of the Sacramento News and Review. The Free Speech Issue went on to receive recognition for 20 Years of Excellence for SN&R.
She has been assisting people through physical and emotion pain since she was a teenager. She is the founder of the RSD(S)-CRPS Advisory websites and support group .
She currently works with the Gohl Program which provides natural relief for chronic pain of all types. Manual Ligament Therapy also known as MLT was developed by Arik Gohl.
For more information or to learn about upcoming MLT programs please Contact Monica Depriest at 931-996-8432.
Twinkle is a suicide survivor.
Ozra has many more credits to his name in volunteering, pain advocacy, and law. He’s performed music since he was 8 years old, and is the owner of all of my “intellectual property” since the beginning of time minus a few offset percentages to his dad, sisters and nephew.

He knows your pain, your weakness, your strive and your give up. Your gain! He knows what it means to go on, when going on isn’t that easy. His sisters many years older than him also know that pain. They know the pain of losing all that they had, he knows pain of never having it.

It is our hope to help bring you up from mindset that will take you down. It’s our hope that together we’ll show you, encourage you, and give you the peace of mind that you deserve.

Why would you deserve it even if other people consider you crazy? Because you’re not, not like that.

If I can compare myself to you for a minute, let me assure you that you are worth your life. Can I try at least to assure you that crazy people don’t even know that they’re crazy and I love my crazy and I love yours too. Survival!

How can I help you believe in you when no else does? Can I tell you that if you’ve truly had to fight to feed you or your family, you haven’t done anything wrong. If you’ve had to break the law, you did break it and your consequences will come, but I understand what you broke for.

You’re still good to me. Stronger Than Pain Cover

Help us, help you!