At this time day after tomorrow I’ll have already changed flights to be on my way to my destination. I’m excited to learn and heal even more. This will be the first time since I was 17 that I’ve flown alone. I’ve been on flights since but never without my husband or children. The last Amtrak I was on derailed outside of Fresno California on the way to Corcoran. Initially that trip would have only been Ozra and I. Husband and Kharisma came at the last minute, Rikki was already in Corcoran with my mom and dad. We only sustained cuts and bruises. I can still remember grabbing for my baby as he tumbled and pushing Kharisma into my husband so he could hold onto her. I was the one injured the most but that was a result of my own actions to be sure the 3 of them would be okay. I never feared pain back then. Perhaps because it was acute pain or injury. I think that was mid 1997. My mom and dad were married in 1998 and this was before that. Ozra and I had taken the train several times from Sacramento to Corcoran. I haven’t been on a train since and within 3 years we’d lose our home and everything we worked for in the prior years to a fire, I’d be injured at work and not give birth to our last child due my own body during physical rehab and the medical mistakes and manipulation that followed.

I’m not afraid to fly. I love flying. ~laughs

Ironically the day I leave California, January 8th (2002) is the anniversary of that loss nearly 12 months after that injury that led to CRPS. Maybe I can finally let it go. Maybe.

I didn’t realize until later what the manipulation was all about and that’s why it’s stayed with me. And that’s why I always believed even when my faith was dangling that I wouldn’t hurt hard forever but I’d have to suffer to get there.

I want to help people feel better and find joy and laughter again. I want to be apart of showing others that there is an option for pain relief in MLT and the Gohl Program and I want to be apart of it in person, not solely online. I don’t want to live online. The internet does give a modicum of life back to people who are otherwise unable to have one. I know because I’ve been one of them. The internet also removes in person interaction and that’s why so many of us become isolated and develop social anxiety disorders. I still can’t drive but there may even be possibility in that again.

I have a lot of work to do to reverse 16 years of physical and emotional deterioration. I also know hard isn’t over yet, but it’s the beginning of living something I really don’t know to feel without pain. I’ve used pain as pain relief, a distraction. Pain diverts pain after all.

Looking forward

Image Source: PJ McClure