I extend to each of you, any of you that I may have offended over the last year an apology. I’m not sorry because I did anything wrong, I’m sorry because I lost control of managing pain. I inclined my head to bullies, I smiled, and shrugged off any compromises. I shimmied on like I never heard, never seen it, and rarely did I admit to knowing it.

I’m really sorry that I let Facebook bring out the worse in me. I’m still trying to understand this for myself. I let it become a “I don’t care” platform to anyone who either stalked me for their own organizations or disliked me for the one I was with.

Reductions in stressers and triggers have me feeling so much better. Better able to continue on with strengthening myself, stretching, moving, healing, accomplishing.

I don’t want to care about what I let you see toward that end, yet I do. I don’t want to care about who you thought I was before it all. I will. I may not always understand why from your point of view but I understand from mine the persona I threw out. I think that I demonstrated fairly well by shoving everyone so far away and eventually giving people a reason to gossip with potty mouth words and pretty photos that I achieved what I wanted at the time. Disconnect.

I never wanted to get close to people, so I kept everyone at a distance. I would reply to the questions regarding CRPS/RSD, Chronic pain, SCS, legislation, depression that you asked, but I’ve not in all my years using the Facebook Platform engaged on a personal level with more than I can count on one hand. Only one person in the pain community knew me, enough.

Wow, I must have issues, right? Yes. I can’t do the gossip, drama, he said she said, did you hear what so and so did type of stuff. Why? Because I haven’t the time or concern for it.

Any relationship can be repaired enough for people to respect that agreeing or disagreeing on something isn’t what defines them, but instead that which allows them to proceed forward with an open mind. Learn from one another.

If was in an IM with only 2 or 3 people a day, exchanging 5 messages each. I’d never be able to do anything constructive, maintain pain levels, scrub my toilet. One has to always be available at some point, even if not on the spot, to reply, and then the conversation continues until it either trails off or is abandoned. For those of you who do engage all day long. Kudos to you. Friendships? Okay. Communication? Okay. Support? Understood.

Facebook; the place you can check into, but hard to check out of.

I’ve been running on empty with anxiety highs and shifting depressive moments this entire year. Trying to manage both chronic pain and narcolepsy evenly for myself. I did do it on my own. No one’s taking that from me.

I can recall pieces and parts of this year as if I was viewing an old 8MM reel of 2016. I can recall vivid moments, yet I’ve lost other memories and I really don’t know if I ever created them in memory to be able to remember.

That’s how the mind protects itself from trauma and perceived threats.

I’m not much different than all of you just uniquely challenged. Some of you the F word is in the first sentence, others, rude, opinionated babble lacking knowledge, certainty, or open mindedness to learn the facts before stating inaccuracies.

Hypothesis? Please do present with an educated guess before assumptions get the better of you.

Ad hominem;

Argue the topic. Don’t attack the person as an individual, you know, the people you judge without even a presumption because you know it all and per your perception they’ve done it all wrong, already? Attack the position, not the person.

Online is too much people at all given times.

Notice how I said “Too much?” rather than “Too many?’

Be good or be good at it! Choices.

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Overcoming The Stress Response by Twinkle VanFleet 3/9/15

https://rsdadvisory.com/2015/03/09/overcoming-the-stress-response/

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I don’t want to be associated with pain, chronic pain, illness, disability, any of it.

Not on a personal level.

I never did.

My denial was my acceptance all along because I’m still on my legs. I’m not incapacitated. I’m not in that corner by myself yet watching the world move and unable to move with it or be a part of it.

Today I found the wedding vows we wrote to each other when we renewed in 2012 for our 25th wedding anniversary. That was the first I ever walked down the isle to him in a Church ceremony. I’ve been his since I was 17. I got this! For us.

I’m sorry I showed you someone I’m not. I’m not sorry that it wouldn’t be beneath me to act in any type of way dependent on a situation.

I’m sorry too for those who couldn’t ever ask, but assume, and for those who knew they were inciting confrontation when they chose it. That’s where I had enough. That’s where I changed.

There’s consequences in choosing.

For all of us.

 

~Love and light