Chronic Pain and Crisis

Posted by twinklev

I woke up at 3:00 a.m. out of my sleep with a panic attack. Its 4:30 a.m. now.

I’ve been trying to steady my emotions while snapping to it to do as much as I can physically since a major home disaster occurred 2 daya ago. An act of God, some may call it.

I was already in a flare a couple of weeks back when I halted use of Kratom tea for a week.

That flare caused a more than moderate spinal flare and I barely had 2 days of resuming tea when this serious issue struck.

Because I had to do all I could to clear debri my back, legs and feet are so bad now.

I’m not a victim by any means, but seriously, a break from tragedy and chaos is greatly needed. Its one thing after another and its always been.

No wonder I never heal.

Yesterday, I tried to keep active with shares and a bit of engagement in between hussling myself to get things cleared, boxed, and trash seperated. My husband can’t get time off work.

I’m the only one doing any of this and its not something that can wait. At all.

I have no clue what we’re going to do.

I doubt I’ll be able to budge much today. I’m hoping to rest or get a nap. I’ve rarely napped in nearly a decade. Many rests, no sleep with it. It pains my body worse and I remain exhausted day after day.

I’ve gotten back on a CPAP but it doesn’t provide better or refreshing sleep for me that’s often raved about. It does occasionally raise my blood oxygen which is a plus because I’m consistently low 90s, high 80s.

I have my back brace on now and relying on it.

I’ll need to eleviate my legs throughout the day, I dread being bed ridden. I already have lidocaine on.

What are you trying to tell me this time God, I’m listening.

Chronic Pain and Movement

Posted by twinklev

Chronic intractable pain can be challenging.

At summers end of 2021, I put my whole heart and mind into what I coined Music Movement Therapy.

I consumed low carbs which supported my mission to reduce weight, and hopefully help me feel better, minimize inflammation, and promote an overall sense of well being.

I maintained weightloss into 2023, but with a major flare, constant swelling,, old illnesses, internal female troubles, family sicknesses, loss and other heartbreaking instances weight gain was nearly overnight. To be specific, just weeks.

I continued to put in movement and exercise days, at times, 10 minutes, and others only a couple of minutes was accomplishable.

Its become harder and harder. My heart rate variability is consistently low. My average over the last 3 years is 15. Today is 10. My blood oxygen is also on the lower side with an overall average of 94. None of my health metrics are ideal.

My spO2 effects me adversely at 92 or lower. The days I’m 89-91 has me dragging worse than my other low energy days.

My Kiddie pool has been up a month or so but I don’t put in the physical therapy time, I could years ago. I’d then get 1-3 hours a week. The last 2 years 30 minutes to an hour.

Any and all types of movements matter.

I’m not finished with menopause and the female issues have been rough from the very beginning.

I had an exploratory laparotomy when I was 22. I’d lost twins then, with one ectopic and the other in uterus. I’d had internal problems with my organs that began when I was barely a teen. I had lesions removed during the same operation. Painful recovery.

Hopefully, I’ll finally be finished with that aspect of womanhood soon.

Its exhausting always co existing with all the other illnesses.

I still manage chronic pain, CRPS, spinal disorders and numerous others holistically and with stretching, or simply promoting circulation. Always something at the very least. Actual exercise isn’t always achievable.

I’ve been alcohol free 6 years and 6 months. I’ve been cigarette free 3 years and 4 months. There’s not much more I can do for myself.

Today’s a rest and recover day.

We spent yesterday celebrating our grandson Greyson’s 4th birthday. Last month was Ezekiel’s 5th, and the month prior was our granddaughter Liliana’s 1st.

I’m extra swollen and flaring.

They are so very worth the added pain. Grateful for all of them. Our oldest grandson will be 20 upcoming.

I did get in a lot of movement with my very busy grandloves. That counts!

Sending love and prayers to all.

Simply Stable

Posted by twinklev

It remains difficult to manage life with so many illnesses. It does! I often refer to myself as “stable”. It’s the best term I have to describe “not suicidal.”

Stable is a good thing! Even when the struggle is heavy. Yes, indeed, its a good thing.

Few people can relate to physical pain so intense that you lose your mind. Most can only relate to their own level of severe and thats perfectly okay. Imagine your severe, and have that severity, rarely ever stop, and see if that wouldn’t put a major dent in your entire existence.

The amount of work I’ve put in the last 18 months surely helped, yet didn’t bring any of it to a halt.

I’ve put in this “work” many times before. It’s all work, everyday, and then there’s extra work. Just trying is work. And then you have to “be able to” in the first place.

Pain hurts! It’s not as simple as many believe it should be. It’s not! All these things people think if we did, we’d be fine, is a form of false hope. It can be detrimental to force onto others “if they only did this” it could be all better. But since they won’t do it, or complain about it they must NOT want to get better. That’s not true! Perhaps there’s a few people out there that might apply to, but seriously not accurate for most of us.

Its a nice way to nudge someone into depression or raise their anxiety by guilt shaming them. After all, if they only tried.

How TF you know if they tried or not, or how much they’ve put in? You really don’t.

No wonder so many people feel badly about themselves. Worthless. Not measuring up. That’s not going to help them heal in any kind of way.

I prefer to love and care for people where they are. At all times. I know too deeply what it feels like to be judged, discarded, and thought lowly of.

It took 6 months again for my shoulder and cervical spine to finally ease down. During that time there were several instances that I thought it was near the end of its course. It wasn’t. The music movement therapy I’d been consistently doing at least 3 days a week, and sometimes 5 became less and less. The last time I completed a 3 day week was in early May with 1 day in last week.

My lumbar spine hasn’t slipped in nearly a year. Thank you, Jesus.

My neck and shoulder hadn’t been this bad since Manual Ligament Therapy nearly 6 years ago.

While that pain is wonderfully decreased currently, and has been for 2 months now, my neck is often swollen. Noticeable and embarrassing at times.

CRPS – I get days where my feet look great! I’ve had extreme edema, and discoloration more times than I could count. 1000s. It’s nearing 22 years since the injuries that caused it. There’s also a half dozen other significant problems in that foot alone. The other foot is better, yet has issues, too. Orthotics help when I can tolerate wearing them. Aligning my spine and posture is a major plus. Unfortunately the times when my feet swell, I can’t put them on, there’s no room to even try to force them and push through it.

There’s been times when swelling moderately existed, but not severely and I did wear them anyway. My feet already feel as if they’re being crushed, so all that does is really crush them. I have to learn to back off.

I have my own psychological hangup caused by others. “I must not be trying hard enough, and I must not want to get better”.

I wake each day full body swollen. My face, beyond puffy. It takes an hour or two every morning to be able to move about without that pain. I start moving myself immediately upon waking. The first walk to the kitchen is the toughest, feels horrible, and seems to take forever. Swelling may decrease throughout the day, even my appearance is better, and then the inflammation happens in my sleep it seems, and I wake to it all again, each and every day.

I’m still using Cat’s Claw.

I just had my soberversary 2 days ago. 3 years and 6 months alcohol free and 5 days ago, 4 months tobacco free.

Neither has made much of a difference in any overall pain related quality of life.

Still happy I stopped them tho.

I’m not doing well, nor am I doing badly. I’m managing.

I’m simply stable.

Binaural Beats for Pain, Stress, Anxiety, and Depression

Posted by twinklev

It can be difficult to manage stress and anxiety with chronic and intractable illnesses.

I’ve been practicing stress reduction for decades now, yet I’ve not mastered it, entirely.

Meditation, deep breathing, shifting focus, distraction, so much more.

I’ve done well to keep myself from any type of mental breakdowns since the major ones that had occurred. It’s a constant challenge to stay on top of my well-being.

My body does react negatively still. Pain syndromes cause pain of course and stress will causes even more. When depression slips in it becomes a total mind and body assault that’s difficult to cope with.

One thing I’ve changed for the better is breathing. That’s been for several years now. It did take some time for that. I always had a tendency to hyperventilate during extreme pain. The first time I experienced that, I was 19 and giving birth to my first baby girl. I was in distress, and my unborn baby was experiencing my stress to the point the doctor attached a fetal monitor to her tiny head while she was still inside me.

Labor hurts! I had her naturally and it was painful. My second daughter who was born 12 months later? Epidural! Part of me wants to laugh at that, and part of me is saddened by it. I was afraid of that pain again. My rainbow baby boy who was born 9 years later, I chose natural again. I could do it! I would do it! He sustained a birth injury, a Pars defect, fairly common I’ve read,, and the cord was wrapped around his neck and body. I’m so glad they didn’t tell me that, I most likely would’ve panicked and caused him further injury.

I’ve shared Binaural Beats here before, many years ago. They can be a helpful tool in managing ourselves. If nothing else there’s calm and peace in listening.

Similar to Lavender or Camomile Epsoms salt soaks. It doesn’t always take pain away but it’s relaxing, soothing, and the aroma therapy from it is calming, too. Therefore worth the soak.

If you’re not familiar with Binaural Beats, I’m including a few links to try them.

Binaural beats

Stress and anxiety
Depression relief

Sutter Health

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Stress and anxiety relief

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Deep healing
Repairs and heals DNA level
Frequency healing

https://youtu.be/AzCgCzw479s

Binaural beats are essential in body healing: an illness will indirectly be healed using binaural beats. However, from scientific studies, there is a thin line between physical and mental health. The physical body will be naturally stronger and healthier after mental health has been promoted.

Natural Healing Society

Binaural Beats

My own pain is currently heightened. It’s also raining which causes arthritis to flare up with CRPS. My legs and feet have the deep bone and muscle aches, and burning intensified, yet since taking Cat’s Claw, I’ve only blown up with swelling and discoloration twice in the top of my feet to the point my shoes didn’t fit for a bit each time. That part is amazing. My heels are inflamed. That hurts all by itself. Heel spurs. It’s like walking on broken glass. I haven’t much learned how to relieve that. My orthotics do help some for the Plantar Fasciitis, Tarsal Tunnel, and Achilles Tendonitis. It takes a couple hours upon waking to ease down. By 5:00 p.m. my feet have had enough again. I’m glad I got enough weight off my body to wear them.

I’m hopeful that as I continue to take Cat’s Claw the benefits will increase.

Binaural beats are in my ears right now.

Wishing you all pain eased days and nights.

Cat’s Claw | uña de gato

Posted by twinklev

I previously mentioned Cat’s Claw. This is a starting point which may be of interest to you. In regards to my CRPS and other chronic illnesses, I’ve found that Cat’s Claw offers a wide array of benefits.

Some of the information claims cures, I’ll not claim a cure because it’s offensive to some who’ve been deemed and diagnosed incurable by western medicine. To me, incurable implies the medical system either doesn’t know how to cure an illness, or doesn’t have enough information themselves to do so. In some cases, perhaps they just don’t want to. Medicine has become a business more than anything else anymore.

Many of my own conditions are incurable. I’d like to believe the cures are out there and I just haven’t found it yet.

Something I’ve often wondered is that, for example, if my CRPS became curable, I’d still be left with the several secondary illnesses either acquired from it, or those seemingly unrelated, yet affected by it.

Believe me when I say its become my mission to relieve them all.

Uncaria tomentosa is a woody vine found in the tropical jungles of South and Central America. It is known as cat’s claw or uña de gato in Spanish because of its claw-shaped thorns. The plant root bark is used in herbalism for a variety of ailments, and is sold as a dietary supplement. Wikipedia

Some references state it can begin working in as little as a few days, others about a month. Like most herbs, roots, and supplements, a month is reasonable.

I’ve taken it approximately 10 days. Day time burning related to CRPS has lightened. As of yet, night time hasn’t relieved. I was able to get my shoes with orthotics inserted back on yesterday, after swelling had increased again the last couple of weeks. Edema and discoloration has been a major part of CRPS this entire 21 years of having it. It can be random or caused by weight bearing. There are times its much better than other times. My shoes are on and went on with ease. At this point it may be a coincidence.

My take away from all the research and watching videos on Cat’s Claw is that its potential is incredible.

A compilation from my notes include:

Inflammation, Improves RA, Osteoarthritis, dialates blood vessels, repairs cellular damage, repairs dna, repairs chemo therapy induced DNA damage, repairs RNA, protects neurons, tumors, diuretic, intestinal complaints, heals wounds, may fight cancer, immune system support. It may fight and inhibit growth in leukemia, promotes healthy white blood cells, lowers high blood pressure, improves various neurological symptoms, inhibits blood clot formation, increases circulation, calcium channel blocker, relaxes blood vessels, immune modulator, Decreases inflammation in the brain. May assist HIV and AIDS, combats herpes, improves digestive problems such as crohns disease, diverticulitis, gastritis, colitis, hemorrhoids, leaky gut, stomach ulcers, parasites, muscle and joint relief, colds and flu relief, antioxidant, antiviral, anti mutagenic, fights viral infections.

I’m highly interested in its ability to repair cellular, and DNA damage.

Its antibacterial, antifungal and antiviral effects have proven particularly effective in combating persistent infections such as Lyme disease, Candida, Eppstein-Barr (glandular fever), herpes, bladder infections, hepatitis, prostatitis, gastritis and Crohn’s disease.Apr 23, 2018

The Cat’s Claw, a miracle cure from the jungle

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncaria_tomentosa

https://www.rxlist.com/cats_claw/supplements.htm

https://www.drugs.com/npp/cat-s-claw.html

6 Benefits of Cat’s Claw + Side Effects

https://www.nccih.nih.gov/health/cats-claw

Side effects
Generally well tolerated and considered non toxic. Possible dizziness, diarrhea, nausea.

I haven’t experienced any side effects. Please keep in mind that I’m not taking any pharmaceuticals. I have no idea how it would interact with any. Talk with your doctor or pharmacist before using this.

Caution
May interact with other medications
and immune modulating drugs.

Do not use if pregnant, or nursing. Do not give to children without doctor supervision. Discontinue 2 weeks prior to surgery.

If you have Lupus, MS, Parkinsons, bleeding disorders, talk to your doctor before using.

The brand that I purchased is by NOW and cost effective at about $15.

YouTube References

Looking forward to sharing more about this in the coming months and any noted relief or benefits with other illnesses including, but not limited to, Diverticulosis/Diverticulitis, Crohn’s, Gastritis, Narcolepsy, and Brain Health.

Gohl Method

Posted by twinklev

I’ve referred to MLT dozens of times over the years. MLT is Manual Ligament Therapy.

The therapies and protocols are what I’ve used to maintain my comorbidities.

Now that video demonstrations are available it’s easier for me to recall some of what I learned, yet had also forgotten. What I mean by forgotten is the specifics to certain movements and stretches.

Spinal pain had been creeping up. I’ve been using an inflatable traction device since yesterday. Since having MLT years ago, I’ve only had a few instances of this. When I attended it was at its worse and it had been ongoing for more than a year.

I had been sent to the physical therapy center for traction of my spine and a few other treatments including heat and manipulation. I underwent cervical injections. The second one I had was the day before the Gohl Method/program healing retreat. (Oct 2016)

In fact, I spent my 48th birthday there. The spinal problems had caused cervical radiculopathy. Part of my right hand, fingers, wrist and forearm are partially numb. The treatment restored loss 9f feeling in my third finger. Its the finger I type and text with. I canceled the 3rd injection.

I was seriously scattered yesterday. Too much pain distorts my thought process. I kept changing my mind all day.

I couldn’t concentrate. I watched and rewatched 2 Spanish lessons, and couldn’t retain a single thing.

Background noise was terrorizing me. Hypersensitivity to sound. My anxiety kept rising.

I wanted to reach a 5 day exercise goal. Then wasn’t going to do it. I thought I had other weeks ahead to accomplish that.

I replaced that with Anterior Body Stretch. I could visually focus as I mirrored the video. That helped me complete it.

My mind kept nagging me, I’m not even kidding, to not miss my music movement therapy and achieve 5 out of 5 days that my fit bit would log as actual exercise not only active minutes.

I rewatched all of the Gohl Method presentations and demonstrations.

The little inspirations fit bit give you. You’re a pro! Ha! 10 minutes is hardly that, but hey, at least it sounds supportive. It would be the first time reaching a 5/5 goal. I did!

Today, so far, stress is lessened. There’s no worry to miss song movement today. I just had to reach that goal!

I’ll repeat anterior stretch, and take it easy.

I really like Abdominal Self Massage, and have been doing this one for years. Not to the full extent of the video though. I use my therapy balls more than my hands, I’ve been doing it hands-on for 2 weeks.

I mentioned in a previous blog I wasn’t taking on anything in 2021 other than increased weights. These therapies don’t count as they are already in progress and therefore will simply continue.

The only thing I can think of that caused or contributed to this flare, or re injury is banging my knee 2 weeks ago tomorrow. It’s still bruised and swollen. It looks like I fell and I didn’t. I dinged it in the doorway coming out of the bathroom. My dog was weaving between my legs, and smack!

That hurt like a bish, but then I didn’t think any more of it. I just thought I was sore and tender because CRPS does that anyway. I hadn’t even noticed the depth of bruising and swelling until the 4th day, when I was getting ready to go with my auntie to Thanksgiving eve prayer service.

It occurred to me some before and more so after rewatching these videos that maybe I threw my posture off and as a result my spine as well, which led to my current state.

I’m really not certain. Random flares occur often enough.

It makes sense to me. I’ve been attempting to repair my poor posture over these last several years, too. I’ve fairly well fixed my breathing issues, which is fast slow, even in my sleep and documented in sleep study reports. I don’t panic breathe, anymore. I’ve avoided hyperventilation.

I pray these methods help others as much as they’ve helped me. I have faith they’ll help even more into the future.

For more information-

https://gohlmethod.com/

Feliz viernes

2021 Reflections

Posted by twinklev

Much of this year has been that of carry overs. In January, I celebrated 2 years of sobriety from alcohol. March will be 2 years of attending my Church on Facebook Live. I haven’t missed a day. I’ve attended once in person and that was just a couple of months ago.

I’m at 557 consecutive days of Spanish. 2 years will be here soon enough.

I started low carbs this March, and in August, Music Movement Therapy.

I had some trial and error with the low carbs, a couple of bouts of Diverticulitis and CKD was riled up for a time being.

I’ve lost about 37 pounds so far. In the last 8 months, I’ve had to do liquid diet a few times to ease the belly and colon pain. I took oil of oregano for that. Anytime, I need an antibiotic this is what I use. Apple juice, bananas, most soups, aren’t low in carbohydrates. I tried not to worry about that.

My mornings are Tylenol, Ibuprofen, or the combination of both immediately upon waking. Coffee, and a few counter stretches.

I make our dinner everyday. I often have food started in the crockpit by 9:00 a.m.

Of course, I scroll Facebook with that first coffee and then feed my dogs.

There’s resting in between it all. My routine is fairly solid. My little exercise session comes next. I generally do my Spanish in the evening after dinner is served. We eat by 4.

I connected YouTube on my TV last week or so. I actually did that to watch Gohl Method videos and demonstrations. Which I’ve done several times now and will continue to.

My workout songs are on YouTube but I’ve been using headphones via my phone. Once I had it streaming on the TV, I did my movement from there. And then I tinkered with other channels.

I’m watching The Language Tutor. Spanish. I like how it’s taught and presented. It teaches the language not just the words. I’ve also watched movies and novelas. English subtitles.

It’s been so important to keep busy, my body doesn’t always go without lag, and some days can be too rough, but I can’t let my mind become idle. It’s the devil’s playground.

I’m still recovering from those mental breakdowns. Sometimes people think once the event or action is over it should all be forgotten and done with.

Thanksgiving Eve 2021 – Stronger Than Pain

It’s not! Now you have to face all the pain, hurt, depression, despair, anxiety, fears, and heartache that led you there.

The aftermath. Repairing. Choosing to live and creating a new path for it.

And then coping with all of the other things that simultaneously occur.

Loved ones hurting, sick, and in pain, helpless, stressors, worry, and caring for yourself all at the same time.

I stay as busy as possible, pray, and love.

Love!

I stay away from drama. If someone messages me negatively about someone else, I’m out! If they contact me because I’m not doing enough, or rather anything, for the Chronic Pain Community, I’m out! If a family member wants to gossip about another, yep, you got it, I’m out! 99 percent of the time, I send them off with love, care, and prayers, and wholeheartedly mean it, and thats it. The other 1 percent is left on read.

Family, even friends, tend to believe because they’re family that they are entitled. They aren’t. If anything, information is a courtesy not an entitlement. I’m speaking of those that I’m not close to in any way not of those I am.

It’s bothersome when they don’t recieve info from us so then they go through the back door to other people to get the scoop on what we wouldn’t tell them.

That’s disrespectful and quite low.

My point is that participating in, listening to, or reacting to such things would heighten my anxiety, provoke depression, cause me to over think and raise my physical pain levels.

There’s no peace in that.

I dont usually make a new years resolution. I can’t take on much more right now physically or mentally because I don’t want to become overwhelmed and crash. However, I’m going to increase my 2 lb weights to 3 lbs at the beginning of 2022.

I’m hoping that low carbs, weight loss, and movement/strengthening increases my energy at some point. I have none and having Narcolepsy and sleep disorders on top of it all is extra challenging. Praying.

I’m going to a Christian Concert December 12. I’ll be able to sit as necessary and stand as able,

My Auntie took me to prayer service the same day this photo was taken. It was a good day! Blessed.

I’m working on getting out a bit more. My social anxiety isn’t in check enough for much and weight bearing is what it is at any given moment. My emotions are mixed. The majority of me doesn’t want to be out in the world at all. Sad.

I’m trying though.

One thing is for certain, I’ll be 3 years alcohol free in about 6 weeks.

Progress continues.

October

Posted by twinklev

I love Springtime! The weather begins to warm and my water therapy begins. Each of my 3 children are born in March. I always look forward to that time of the year.

October is my favorite color. Beautiful shades of earth. I adore autumn as everything starts to fall away in order to begin again.

It’s cleansing.

It’s also my birth month and not too cold as of yet. It smells refreshing to me.

It’s also time to ride. 🧹

I enjoy the sharing of seasonal memes as a distraction to carry me through the winter, especially the funny ones.

Spanish lessons continue at 504 consecutive days of learning.

I’ve watched several Mexican novelas already. (English subtitles)

I’m fairly sure I’ve mentioned that our Grandson’s Ezekiel and Greyson are bilingual as their first words form.

A few weeks ago I was worried about Summer ending and water PT being over until Spring again.

That’s when I began transitioning to indoor therapy.

I keep telling myself it’ll be worth it. I’ve been here before with this mindset, positive, and I wasn’t able to maintain what I worked so hard for due to a combination of the intractable pain and repetitive injuries.

CRPS, symptoms, and that visceral bone pain is always heightened in the wet, rainy, and colder months.

So far I’m doing as well as I can be with the music movement therapy and with orthotics on while doing so.

I’m praying that I avoid any major flares and continue into the upcoming months without gaps in my routine.

A part of me is so very tired and worn from all the try, try again. A piece of me says this will be the last time. My heart says, yes you will, you always try again.

Feliz martes para ti

Pain Distraction

Posted by twinklev

This is an important piece in my toolbox. More than ever. It’s always been of value. For many years, advocacy, writing, and poetry were my main distractions. These allowed me to be of use, contribute to society, and nudge my mind in other directions. Limiting focus on what I felt.

Laying up in my own thoughts certainly didn’t help whether a moderate or severe flare or an acute injury and situation. Over thinking can be brutal.. Physical illness with chronic intractable pain is a vicious cycle of depression and anxiety rotating in and out of an already weakened state.

It seems like I’ve already spent a lifetime trying to manage and adjust these cycles.

While my plate remains full, most of it has been replaced with better options. Like any plate it depends on what it contains.

At this point, I couldn’t add any more to it or it would spilleth over and that’s where taking on too much happens. It’s a crash waiting to happen for me.

My three main distractions have become routine.

1. Pray. For myself and others.

2. Church. I’ve attended, online, each Sunday for 16 months.

3. Spanish Lessons. 52 consecutive weeks. 415 days to be exact.

Each of these are from home. It’s hard for me to take on more. I do wish at times that I could. I’ve learned not to dwell on that.

All of our food is home cooked. That’s a daily do. I’m grateful to my husband for the day’s he either gives me a break or steps in when I’m physically unable to accomplish it. Our dogs also have to be fed, and cared for, and that’s daily of course.

Physically, I do as much as possible early mornings. By 2 p.m. I’m struggling . Dinner is generally ready and served by 3:30 p.m. unless my husband is delayed at work. By 5:00 p.m. I can hardly budge.

Shoutout to my crockpot for always having my back.

And to each of my grandson’s whom I love dearly. De’Mantai, Ezekiel, Zy’Aire, and my newest, Greyson, who’ll be born this month.

The Other Side of Pain

Posted by twinklev

sad_facw_behind_a_smiling_face_by_mudabbirali-resized I’m a confused person at this point in my life and it’s my journey to unravel. Some may think admitting openly to alcohol misuse is something I should have kept to myself. I don’t think so. I think it gave me the opportunity to understand those who’ve self medicated with anything. I didn’t drink everyday, I wasn’t a social drinker, or a party person. My actions of misuse were perhaps a half dozen times ever. What’s the difference between getting drunk, drinking on a regular basis, and misuse? I think the difference is I knew better. I knew better at the time I poured it. Maybe similar to those who misuse RX’s knew better at the time they took them. The ability to know better ends or decreases once altered. I had learned by the 2nd or 3rd time that I shouldn’t drink depressed. I opted to drink the one I shouldn’t have had. You know the one we shouldn’t have, that next one? While I have no personal experience with opioid misuse or addiction I think I know why people do that. At least I hope I do so that maybe I can go on one day to help them, too. Help the families recognize there’s a problem, or that the potential for one can arise. It only takes a few extra pills or that extra shot of booze to change us. There isn’t any excuse. There are reasons. I do have experience with a fatal heroin overdose who was my husbands step sister. We disconnected her from life support.

5 years ago I was so afraid for my husband after his quadruple bypass heart surgery which was after 2 prior heat attacks that I probably nagged him more than his physicians did in reminding him to care for himself better. He became so lost in his pain, the various diagnosis’, emotions and depression as well that after awhile there wasn’t anything left I could do for him. He had to do it himself. Last month the 3rd heart attack happened. Through all this and other events, I began to decline mentally. Physically I could barely make it around the house. I just didn’t want to care for awhile. I’m someone that cares too deeply and I give everything and often to my own detriment.

I’m not ashamed of my actions, but I’m sorry for them.

As previously mentioned I’ve busted my butt this year changing my pain to manageable pain for myself in all the pain related diagnosis’ I have. I’ve worked on myself emotionally, but that can still be wishy washy at times. I see things differently than I did before and I see them from the perspective of people needing to do more for themselves.

Did you do the followup home PT your physical therapist suggested? Nope. Do any of the exercises and movements on the how-to sheets of paper you were sent home with? You know the ones that even have the pictures outlined on them? Nope. Hardly anyone does and they should be done daily. Are you doing what your physician told you to? Remove or reduce inflammatory foods for chronic pain syndrome? Nope. For Diabetes reduce sugar intake? Nope. For coronary heart disease reduce cholesterol? Nope.

What the hell does anyone want then? For someone else to do it for them?

I have his dinner ready each work night when he gets home at 11:00 p.m. Last night I was exhausted and was asleep by 11:20 p.m. Slept 4 hours and here I am. I provide him home cooked balanced meals, I even spend days making food in batches so that I can freeze it for easy dinners later. Heat and serve. I do this so I can have lighter days and keep myself from flaring. I can’t control anything I don’t make and I can’t do anything about his pain either. He has to

There’s so many people doing the same thing or rather not doing. Like everyone else he’s an amazing person, too.

The help people need the most can really only be found within themselves.

I went to Church yesterday morning. It’s where I’m at most peace. I stood for all our songs. 3 in the beginning of service and 1 at the end of it I’m really sore, but I won’t call it pain for myself. If I get stuck on the thought of pain because of pain then it will escalate and I know this.

He’s finally pushing through more for himself now because he realizes he’s not going to get another chance. Will it be enough? I don’t know and it scares the shit out of me.

I’m severely afraid to lose him. I already was and now I am even more all over again. I’ve been his since I was 17.

What happens to us as people? Do we lose faith in ourselves? (Not a religious statement). Do we expect other’s to make our differences for us? Of course most do. At what point do we finally decide it’s up to us? When there’s no options left?

I can never reach a 9/10 again. Ever! I’m responsible for me. I roll my ball all over my body to promote blood flow, reduce inflammation, swelling, help my internal organs and structures not break down further. I stretch, and sometimes I still have to move my toes and fingers manually.

Should I be in mental health services? Probably. I was directly after my breakdown as a condition of my release. It was short term and expired. I tried again and it didn’t work out. I’m not suicidal and I look for things to laugh at or with and smile at each day over something. Painting, drum box, things that doesn’t matter if I’m any good at as long as it’s something I’m doing. Remembering all the good things above any type of painful ones helps keep pain from rising. There’s a calm in the happy place. I realize sometimes I do this simultaneously, the good and the bad. Working on that, too. I do have much to look forward to and I’m grateful for so many things and people in life.

I have to minimize my triggers, stressors, my anxiety highs and I do get triggered randomly. Not anyone’s fault. It’s mine. Before I say anything I wouldn’t otherwise say before the trigger, I need to click the X in the top right corner of my screen and log off. I have the mindfulness to know these things I just need to do better to implement them.

I had only been getting on for about 30 minutes between 1 and 2 p.m. and again about 8 p.m. after my nap and was entirely off every few days, but the last few days, off and on even more. It can get lonely with just me, myself, and I all day. I’ll have to suck that one up too.

Valerian Root is helpful for sleep support and can provide an element of pain relief. I hope it can help some of you who didn’t know of it’s uses. If you’re on medications make sure there wouldn’t be any adverse affects.

It might take me another entire year in healing forward. I suppose a year isn’t that long. It may also be a lifelong ongoing process. I hope not. That might be a really long time. lol

It’s exhausting just thinking about that. Ha!

I do love you all. I can’t help you in your physical pain, eventually I’ll try to with how-to videos, but I’m already on the path to help in the psychological aspects that are even more important.

Goodnight again for now.