Four Forward – Letting Go

It’s been over 4 years now since I was dismissed from my pain management doctor of 12 years. The suicidal hospitalizations. the 4 events.

In some aspects this blog is repetitious to previous entries.

2016 was the year. I spent the following 2 years trying to re-establish care. Finally in 2018, I was able to have my records sent to a new physician. I have lifetime Worker’s Compensation for CRPS, right foot, and the spinal cord stimulator which was permanently implanted in 2006. The internal battery was replaced in 2014.

I was allowed to see this new physician 1 time. He put in 6 future visits for me.

I was sent to a psych as a prerequisite to the physical care. I was led to believe and which is also noted in my records and letters I have on hand that I was required to complete this step. I did.

Worker’s Comp then denied payment for these services and then denied follow up visits with the pain and wellness center.

My attorney of nearly 18 years at that time sent me a letter stating he would not appeal on my behalf.

I felt so done, again.

I began sinking. I couldn’t let myself drown. I held on. I needed my SCS xrayed as there was and still is a possible migration. I’ve had this before in 2009, which required surgery to repair it.

My SCS no longer works at all. It’s been approximately 18 months. My battery should have lasted until 2022.

I had been on medication since the January 2001 work injury that led to the CRPS type 2 diagnosis. A Lis Franc fracture with back injuries. The foot surgeries, nearly 9 months of aggressive PT 3 times a week and then pain management beginning in 2004. Numerous Lumbar Sympathetic Nerve blocks, Functional Restoration Program, various medications to the sudden unexpected cold turkey ziltch of all.

The body can’t take that! Neither can the mind, and the spirit becomes weakened and frail.

I began drinking for pain relief. I’ve done that before. It only lasted about 10 weeks. Only? I know! I felt badly for thinking suicide or alcohol were my only options. My prayers were answered.

Next week, I’ll be 18 months sober again and I’m still on my own. There just wasn’t any help. I refuse to chase after it anymore. Its humiliating, degrading, and demeaning for me to be at the mercy of others for my life.

I had to let go.

A section at a time.

I’ve let it go.

Acceptance.

Health related quality of life hardly exists. Physically challenged, mentally stronger. Temporary periodic paralysis has worsened. I don’t share these things as much as I used to. I needed to let most of that fade away. Having secondary clinical depression MDD, I’m susceptible to lows. It sure does like to try to sneak in, especially during uncontrollable pain.

I much rather help people laugh, inspire through words and music, poetry, offer compassion, and care.

On Color The World Orange Day, November 4th 2019, my ankle broke. My left side, my better side. I stood up from a seated position and pop! I learned from the imaging this side has previously been broken too. While there’s been times that side was too painful also, I never knew. Bone spurs were noted on that side also.

No one wants to listen, we must be whining and complaining. Claiming the owie to be catastrophic. Our advice? Suck it up and take an aspirin.

If this would have happened a year prior, I’d have probably had a drink over it. 2 days of pain medication was prescribed. Honestly, I felt blessed. Only because it could have been 0. I had to consider that a plus for my own sake or I would have dwelled on old emotions in the existing intractable and in the new acute pain.

I figured either the bone deterioration or the 18 years of compensating for my right side with my left side contributed because it just gave way. There wasn’t anything I did or was doing to cause it. I hadn’t even taken a step.

I got myself out of the boot fairly quickly. I was 10 months into sobriety.

Perhaps it was a spiritual test.

If so, I passed!

My son’s formal wedding was less than 10 weeks away when it broke. That became the nudge I needed to heal myself or remain incapacitated.

My 1 year anniversary of letting go of the drink was the same day as his wedding.

Sink or swim. I doggie paddled and that was perfectly okay. I was above water this time and I was winning.

There’s been too many times that something amazing was occurring while simultaneously something painful was also. Family deaths, friends passing on, my husbands illnesses, my own. The joy and happiness for the good was either diminished or lost entirely by those sorrows. Depression.

On my to-do list each day is to not let negativity get too close. I have my routine to maintain my mindset. I’m doing well in that regard, considering.

Less than 2 weeks ago while my new grandson was being helped into the world early, my elderly dog was dying. We rescued him as a puppy and we spent over 14 years together.

My grand baby’s birth and Freedom’s passing was 3 days apart.

I ache over the loss yet the focus on the baby has cradled my heart. Not this time either depression.

Our son Kurtis Ozra and his wife Samantha celebrated 1 year of marriage 4 days after their baby boy was born. Such a beautiful gift they each recieved from one another.

My husband and I had just celebrated our 34th year together. Ezekiel was our anniversary gift too, born 3 days after.

Ezekiel Kurtis VanFleet. Born 6.27.2020.

Journey on…

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