Trying to have enough faith in myself to believe I can use all those tools I had learned over the years. I didn’t want to wake up today and when I did I wanted to believe I had just been trapped in a dream for a few hours last night. Then I realized that my husband wasn’t here and if he wasn’t here that meant he did go home and because he was home all that really happened there. I cried so hard my face is swollen today and my left eye is droopy. Ever since that corneal laceration a couple of months ago its different. I was about to say crooked. Oh wait! I just did. Ha!

I went out on the patio, put the headphones on, and danced. I tried to dance it away. And I did for a little while. When I woke up early this morning I did the same thing in the kitchen in between a few stretches. Then I came out here on the front porch and let the sun shine down on me.

I had to think about options. Options to get through the anxiety rushes and waves of intense emotion that I’m not very good at holding anymore. I have to think about OTC’s I might be able to use in order to  manage the next few days. I can feel my body tensing and pain rising as a result. My heart thumping in abnormal beats and then I realize I’ve been holding my breath as if I can stop everything that way and then suddenly feeling like I’m on a roller coaster as I breathe again. Every smile I put on when there wasn’t anything to be happy about, every fight I didn’t back down from because I wouldn’t show fear, every obstacle I had to hurdle through because if I didn’t fix it, it wouldn’t get done. Panic attacks.

Funny, everything I knew a year ago, all that knowledge, I don’t even know anymore. The only thing I want to know is that all this turmoil isn’t forever. It’s ridiculously unbelievable that there’s always too much. How do other people handle and cope with too much? I suppose that’s why good people become bad people in the eyes of others. Unconventional coping techniques.

I have to figure out what or what not to do next and accept the consequences in whatever choices become me.

I may be able to save a couple of them but I don’t know who to choose and that breaks my heart.

Off to take a walk…