Drowning In Fear

My day time stop breathing episodes have been worsening. It’s still and silent! Where ever I am in the breath at the time is where it all stops. If I had just inhaled I have a few seconds as if I’m under water, I’m not panicking yet. If I had just exhaled there’s little time left. I don’t gasp for air, my body doesn’t startle or flex, everything ceases. At some point in my mind I am aware that I’m not breathing this is when the panic sets in, I tell myself breathe, but I’m not breathing yet, breathe! I can’t even hear my heart beating.

And then I come back! My chest is thumping loudly, my head is pounding, my body is shaking, but I’m back.

I thought these were panic attacks in the past until I realized if they were I should probably be attempting to get air, take it into my lungs. My body and mind doesn’t react this way, though. I have a Pulmonary Specialist that I see for Central Sleep Apnea and Narcolepsy. I do know that I stop breathing numerous times a night for up to 2 minutes. I use an Auto Servo Ventilator for that.

When I was a child I nearly drowned trying to save my sister who was drowning. Her instinct was to save herself so I went under longer. I know what it feels like to not have that air and having it occur more and more often is frightening.

I’ve been lucky through out my life to not experience many headaches. Just average really with the flu, cold or just a random one. The headaches I’ve been having have been terrible. My chest, my jaw, face, arms. All of me, I suppose. Beyond what I consider my normal CRPS. My blood pressure has been on the rise. I’ve been on Lisinopril for it for over 2 years, but it’s still high in the 150’s and 160/’s.

One minute you’re doing something, even resting and the next your gone! The clock is still ticking, but time has stopped for you. You can’t make it move.

No one else can make it move either…

That’s fear!


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