Drowning In Fear

My day time stop breathing episodes have been worsening. It’s still and silent! Where ever I am in the breath at the time is where it all stops. If I had just inhaled I have a few seconds as if I’m under water, I’m not panicking yet. If I had just exhaled there’s little time left. I don’t gasp for air, my body doesn’t startle or flex, everything ceases. At some point in my mind I am aware that I’m not breathing this is when the panic sets in, I tell myself breathe, but I’m not breathing yet, breathe! I can’t even hear my heart beating.

And then I come back! My chest is thumping loudly, my head is pounding, my body is shaking, but I’m back.

I thought these were panic attacks in the past until I realized if they were I should probably be attempting to get air, take it into my lungs. My body and mind doesn’t react this way, though. I have a Pulmonary Specialist that I see for Central Sleep Apnea and Narcolepsy. I do know that I stop breathing numerous times a night for up to 2 minutes. I use an Auto Servo Ventilator for that.

When I was a child I nearly drowned trying to save my sister who was drowning. Her instinct was to save herself so I went under longer. I know what it feels like to not have that air and having it occur more and more often is frightening.

I’ve been lucky through out my life to not experience many headaches. Just average really with the flu, cold or just a random one. The headaches I’ve been having have been terrible. My chest, my jaw, face, arms. All of me, I suppose. Beyond what I consider my normal CRPS. My blood pressure has been on the rise. I’ve been on Lisinopril for it for over 2 years, but it’s still high in the 150’s and 160/’s.

One minute you’re doing something, even resting and the next your gone! The clock is still ticking, but time has stopped for you. You can’t make it move.

No one else can make it move either…

That’s fear!


Killing Me Softly…

…But not with a song. Instead it’s Empathy! The last few weeks I’ve pulled away from most activities online especially Facebook. I’ve always liked my little corner of the world, I like being the little duck in the big pond, away from the hustle and bustle of it all. I’ve always enjoyed raising awareness and helping others the best that I can a midst my own pain and hardships. I have a hard time feeling what other’s feel and it really doesn’t matter where or who it comes from. The emotion is still there. The worse of it is when people argue, or lash out at one another for what ever the reason might be at the time. Anyone, Or all the big and little one ups. I am not speaking of any specific person or group. It still plays heavy on me. I want to be friends with everyone. This does not mean I want to talk in private messages or share secrets. I do not. I want to be a part of a support network and get along with everyone. You won’t find me a part of tight circles or tight groups, I’m not into that. I prefer open sharing, caring, support and providing helpful information that can assist someone or everyone.  Private messages are on point. Rarely do I share personal information in private or get friendly with someone. Not because I don’t care but because I do. Everyone should be happy for what each other is doing positively.  If you knew me at all you would know that the community and life I come from has a specific standard of respect and decency, a moral compass, a morality that if people spoke to each other the way they do on Facebook they would be told to leave immediately if in person and if online booted right out the cyber doorway. Yes, really! And I am not speaking of religion in any way even though my spirituality runs deep. Some people think I know things or gossip about other people I know nothing of, I really don’t, nor do I care to know. Why would I want to cry over anyone’s drama? Empathy! I can say this much in all the time I’ve been on Facebook which has been a few years I haven’t exchanged more than a few dozen separate IM’s. Nope! There’s not many out there that can say that I have. I’ve spoken to, actually spoken to about a dozen people to the point of a conversation and a few more single answers to a question posed. I don’t even know why I’m defending this I suppose assumptions can hurt a bit too. I am truly not use to such chaos. Not being use to it does not make me better than anyone. I am not! But it does make me different from many. I really do look forward to meeting more people offline, being apart of local events, activities, and advocating for patients. I have been meditating on much lately. There is so much to life and attempting to live it. So much just breaks my heart. I’ve always had the ability to empathize above sympathy, most can only sympathize. Having too much empathy hurts. There’s no way to shut it off and it really does kill me softly. I will be focusing on the most important which may not be important at all to someone else. I know my path has been written I just have to decide which way down it to go.