When God Spoke- I Heard Him Clearly!

Posted by twinklev

This has been an overwhelming week. Tears, emotional pain, fear, worry and uncertainty.

These have been hard years in health and hardship. No one knows what its all entailed. A few people have known pieces and parts. Some of it is overflow from a decade ago, some is new or ongoing, and others are sudden crisis situations. Some I saw coming, attempted to prevent or minimize damage to but couldn’t do a darn thing about and additionally, those on the spot occurrences lacking any clue in sight.

Its become drastic. I prayed, and prayed, remained in prayer, held down a breakdown even though it’s been a struggle to stabilize it all. Now, drastic measures are necessary.

I’m not able to elaborate.

I’ve kept myself from rage just barely a time or two. When my anger rose, I prayed. When the tears rained, I prayed, when I was woken out of sleep in panic attacks I prayed and when panic randomly took my breath away throughout the day, I prayed.

I heard Father God clearly. I heard my Lord precisely. I know what to do now. It’s too late for any other choice or remedy.

That time has come and gone without resolve.

I’ve made pre arrangements to start a new life and leave all of this one behind.

I can’t take this one with me- there’s too much pain in it.

I began taking my power back 2 years ago. I know that the perception of others was that this occurred earlier. It didn’t. I can’t stay waiting for others to change and do better for themselves, accountable and responsible. I’ve stayed through thick and thin, for better or for worse, sickness and in health and I have loved, honored and cherished, deeply.

Next year will be 40 years.

He’s sick, I’m sick, and I’m barely able carry the whole load that is always too close to burying me.

Make better a priority.

God was so clear! He’s been trying to tell me but I submitted and complied to my husband’s wishes and ways and not my Father’s.

I must abide in God’s will and only God’s will. It’s for my good and his Glory.

There’s so much to be done now. Hopefully, I don’t crash. I know I carry the spiritual strength of the Lord inside me all the time. I’d have not beaten all that I have already had it not been so.

My husband can come too, but I’m not staying. I cannot!

I’ve secured a new place to live and the vision of a beautiful life is ahead of me. Whatever is left of it- for both of us.

Thank you, Jesus!

Gracias mijo.

Maybe 2026 gonna be my year!

Chronic Pain and Crisis

Posted by twinklev

I woke up at 3:00 a.m. out of my sleep with a panic attack. Its 4:30 a.m. now.

I’ve been trying to steady my emotions while snapping to it to do as much as I can physically since a major home disaster occurred 2 daya ago. An act of God, some may call it.

I was already in a flare a couple of weeks back when I halted use of Kratom tea for a week.

That flare caused a more than moderate spinal flare and I barely had 2 days of resuming tea when this serious issue struck.

Because I had to do all I could to clear debri my back, legs and feet are so bad now.

I’m not a victim by any means, but seriously, a break from tragedy and chaos is greatly needed. Its one thing after another and its always been.

No wonder I never heal.

Yesterday, I tried to keep active with shares and a bit of engagement in between hussling myself to get things cleared, boxed, and trash seperated. My husband can’t get time off work.

I’m the only one doing any of this and its not something that can wait. At all.

I have no clue what we’re going to do.

I doubt I’ll be able to budge much today. I’m hoping to rest or get a nap. I’ve rarely napped in nearly a decade. Many rests, no sleep with it. It pains my body worse and I remain exhausted day after day.

I’ve gotten back on a CPAP but it doesn’t provide better or refreshing sleep for me that’s often raved about. It does occasionally raise my blood oxygen which is a plus because I’m consistently low 90s, high 80s.

I have my back brace on now and relying on it.

I’ll need to eleviate my legs throughout the day, I dread being bed ridden. I already have lidocaine on.

What are you trying to tell me this time God, I’m listening.

Chronic Pain and Movement

Posted by twinklev

Chronic intractable pain can be challenging.

At summers end of 2021, I put my whole heart and mind into what I coined Music Movement Therapy.

I consumed low carbs which supported my mission to reduce weight, and hopefully help me feel better, minimize inflammation, and promote an overall sense of well being.

I maintained weightloss into 2023, but with a major flare, constant swelling,, old illnesses, internal female troubles, family sicknesses, loss and other heartbreaking instances weight gain was nearly overnight. To be specific, just weeks.

I continued to put in movement and exercise days, at times, 10 minutes, and others only a couple of minutes was accomplishable.

Its become harder and harder. My heart rate variability is consistently low. My average over the last 3 years is 15. Today is 10. My blood oxygen is also on the lower side with an overall average of 94. None of my health metrics are ideal.

My spO2 effects me adversely at 92 or lower. The days I’m 89-91 has me dragging worse than my other low energy days.

My Kiddie pool has been up a month or so but I don’t put in the physical therapy time, I could years ago. I’d then get 1-3 hours a week. The last 2 years 30 minutes to an hour.

Any and all types of movements matter.

I’m not finished with menopause and the female issues have been rough from the very beginning.

I had an exploratory laparotomy when I was 22. I’d lost twins then, with one ectopic and the other in uterus. I’d had internal problems with my organs that began when I was barely a teen. I had lesions removed during the same operation. Painful recovery.

Hopefully, I’ll finally be finished with that aspect of womanhood soon.

Its exhausting always co existing with all the other illnesses.

I still manage chronic pain, CRPS, spinal disorders and numerous others holistically and with stretching, or simply promoting circulation. Always something at the very least. Actual exercise isn’t always achievable.

I’ve been alcohol free 6 years and 6 months. I’ve been cigarette free 3 years and 4 months. There’s not much more I can do for myself.

Today’s a rest and recover day.

We spent yesterday celebrating our grandson Greyson’s 4th birthday. Last month was Ezekiel’s 5th, and the month prior was our granddaughter Liliana’s 1st.

I’m extra swollen and flaring.

They are so very worth the added pain. Grateful for all of them. Our oldest grandson will be 20 upcoming.

I did get in a lot of movement with my very busy grandloves. That counts!

Sending love and prayers to all.

Kratom Testimonial

Posted by twinklev

Please support product safety regulations and the Kratom Consumer Protection Act instead of banning and criminalizing Kratom.

2016 was my rise and fall. I was at the height of my volunteer advocacy career. I had also fallen to rock bottom when my prescribed medications were denied or delayed on a regular basis by my workers compensation carrier. I had been with my Pain Management Doctor for 12 years when I was abruptly dismissed by his Physicians Assistant while he was on vacation. My fire letter states Physician/Patient breakdown. No other reason was given for the dismissal.

I had been a model patient and in full compliance until that day when I told her I had attempted to end my life.

I’m a former California Ambassador, Executive Board Member, Advocacy Director, Healthcare Advisor, and Legislative Speaker for the International Pain Foundation.

I recieved 2 prestigious awards that year for my advocacy. The Medtronic Bakken Award and the iPain Hero of Hope Award.

I left advocacy abruptly due to repeated major depressive events as a result of the unmanaged physical pain of CRPS and comorbidities.

My Complex Regional Pain Syndrome also known as Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome is a painful, often progressive debilitating neuro inflammatory auto immune related illness, nicknamed a “suicide diseade” This condition was acquired as the result of a work related injury 22 years ago. Initially diagnosed as a sprain it was later determined that the tendons were torn from the bones of my right foot. A midmetatarsal separation of bone fractures, tendon displacement and ligament tears. I had a Lisfranc fracture. I underwent 2 surgeries, and intense long term physical therapy. I had to learn to walk all over again.

I had a permanent spinal cord stimulator implanted on my spine in 2006 to help disguise pain signals and reduce the symptoms of nerve damage. I was taking a low dose opioid with an antidepressant, anti seizure medication, muscle relaxer and a benzodiazepine for several years. The Benzo and Opioid were not always prescribed together.

I had tried Kratom about 15 years prior, yet hadn’t taken it often at all.

To this day, medical care for my work related permanent injury to my right foot or Spinal Cord Stimulator has not been re established.

I began taking Kratom after my dismissal from medical care but it was on a light to moderate basis, not every day.

I’ve now taken Kratom for the last 4+ years as my main medicinal support for chronic pain and other illnesses. During the years that I was a patient, my blood pressure was consistently high. I was taking 2 blood pressure medications prescribed by a primary physician unrelated to my workers comp pain management physician. Kratom has significantly reduced my blood pressure, and I haven’t taken the Lisinopril or Hydralazine since approximately 2017. I was being treated for Sleep Disorders, Narcolepsy and mixef/complex apneas. Kratom also assists my Narcolepsy. I haven’t returned for a refill of my Nuvigil medication since 2018.

Kratom offers me a life preserver each day, and it’s imperative it remains an option. Without it, I surely wouldn’t be functional on any day.

Some days making dinner is my only achievement and on others I can get in 10-15 minutes of exercise because of it. This is huge considering there had been too many bed ridden days.

I haven’t been suicidal since drinking tea. I skip a few days here and there and I’ve had no adverse reaction other than a rise in pain and chronic illness symptoms which is normal for my conditions.

I should add that I abused alcohol to relieve intractable chronic pain before ever taking Kratom regularly as dual analgesia plus a fatigue reducer.

My heart says Kratom has helped with continued abstinence. When I stopped consuming alcohol I hadn’t began having the tea daily yet.

I’m 4 years and 5 months sober now.

If Kratom wasn’t available to relieve my pain and symptoms I don’t know where I’d be today or if I’d have attempted suicide again. That sounds horrid. Being in so much pain one could even consider it is even more horrible. We shouldn’t live in suffering. Kratom is why I’m able to hang on, stay above water and keep myself from drowning.

I’m under no physician care and my Spinal Cord Stimulator hasn’t worked since 2018. It had become damaged a week prior to my dismissal from pain management. I have 2 leads/wires and 16 electrodes on my spine. Its hasn’t been managed by a physician at all since I was let go as a patient.

In lieu of medical treatment, Kratom has been my crutch.

Life’s hard, pain’s hard, and without this life preservong leaf it would be unbearable for me.

Sincerely,

Twinkle VanFleet, 54, Sacramento, CA. Twinklev.strongerthanpain@gmail.com

—

My brief summary statement for Legislators in less than 250 characters.

Please support product safety regulations instead of banning and criminalizing Kratom.
Kratom offers me a life preserver each day, and it’s imperative it remains an option to manage multiple health conditions that include incurable neuro-inflammatory and autoimmune disorders with chronic intractable pain.

CRPS – A Balancing Act

Posted by twinklev

It’s NERVEmber! November is Nerve pain awareness and Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome Awareness month.

I attended the iPain Summit yesterday which was streaming live from their Facebook page-

https://www.facebook.com/iPainFoundation

https://internationalpain.org/

I enjoyed.

Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary to my husband’s 3rd heart attack, the 4th was 11 months later. Reflecting, I was in constant fight, flight and freeze. This illness directly impacts the fight flight stress response alteady. Trauma after trauma. I was also attempting to recover myself from my last suicide attempt which was earlier that same year in 2017.

That year, even though I was still mentally unstable from various happenings of 2016, was the beginning of healing.

I’ve made the journey without Healthcare and for the last few years without the use of my Spinal Cord Stimulator, and also without self medicating with alcohol. It may sound as if I’m complaining,… it’s been hard, and it hasn’t eased up. I can’t even talk about some of it, which means I’m forced to carry those things, and constantly divert my mindset to something good. Instantaneously.

One of the topics presented at the iPain Summit was Caregiving. I’m both a caregiver and a…

I’m not even sure how to refer to myself because I’m not a patient anymore. Even when the pain communities refer to us as CPP’s, ugh, but wait chronic pain person works for me instead of chronic pain patient. Woot!

Nah. Still doesn’t work. The ussumption would remain. Not all of us are patients!

Every last aspect of my existence must be balanced to be able to lay my head down at night and feel blessed to have ended another day ok.

I was listening to Ken Taylor speak on caregiving while preparing our dinner for the evening. I cook all our food. It’s all homemade. Heart healthy as best as I can for my husband.

It seems and feels like it takes me all day and if I deviate from my daily routine in any way it worsens my overall experience.

My Facebook memories reminded me yesterday that my Narcolepsy diagnosis via sleep study was 10 years ago. That’s been a mission of it’s own.

When Barby was presenting I had propped my phone under my lil table top Xmas tree that I have on a shelf and got a 10 minute stationary walk in. It was a walk n watch. Ha.

On Saturday I tried to attend a crps support group meeting. I just don’t understand Zoom. I attended another time, audio only, and could at least partially participate. I was trying video this time, but couldn’t get the audio to work. I couldn’t figure out settings to enable it. Then I crashed the phone twice and didn’t try a 3rd time. Learning disabilities.

My husband installed the Zoom app on his phone just so he could help me learn to navigate for future use.

We’re each others Caregivers.

I’m home alone much of each day. He leaves for work at 5:15 a.m. and if on time, he works until 2:30 p.m. Dinner is usually served by 3:45 p.m.

Sounds nuts to some, I’m sure. And that’s perfectly fine. It’s part of my balancing act to have dinner ready early. It’s routine.

It’s all a balancing act and I’m exhausted. I’m not always able to differentiate mental or emotional fatigue from Narcolepsy and other sleep disorders, yet the body fatigue is extreme because of pain and comorbidities.

I put a piece of roast in the crockpot about 90 minutes ago. It’s nearly 11:30 a.m. now. I started writing this 2 houes ago.

I start my days early, I have to in order to get dinner, dogs, and dishes done, no matter. I’m down for the day by 5 and often asleep by 8:30 p.m.

I suppose some of this comes with age and I’m most definitely not a spring chicken anymore.

Green Vietnam with a dash of Super Green MD this morning. My Spinal Cord Stimulator use to be my life preserver, now Kratom is.

Forward in Faith

Posted by twinklev

These months have anniversary affects attached for me and so managing depression can be a little harder than other times of the year.

Everything from unborn children loss to my husband’s several heart attacks to leaving advocacy, abandoned by my pain management specialist, denied care, suicide holds, death, so much more. I just pray that nothing else happens as I move through the seasons.

I’m not healed yet I remain IN healing.

I’ve reached out to a couple of people this year. Making amends of sorts, Trying to, I suppose. Break any ice that might be there.

Closure.

This time 4 years ago I was at my wits end once more. Denied care after trying to re establish after all that before and it was denied further.. I didnt try to kill myself, I promised I wouldn’t do that again. My husband had just had his 4th heart attack. He had it when we returned from my nephews funeral. I had been abstaining decently from the use of drink. His 3rd was barely a year before. My physical pain was awful (it was going on 2 years since losing my PMD) and I have no doubt the worry and stress added to the intensity of it all. His 4th year permanent work anniversary is the same day as 4th heart attack, too. I say permanent because he was with them as a temp during the 6 months prior.

Sad, looking back. Sad, no medical care, understanding, even compassion is there to help a person. I literally ended up an alcoholic because of CRPS. I’m sure that was lingering since the very first time I used booze to relieve. That was 21 years ago. January will be 22 years since the injuries that led to CRPS. I’ve had 8 years sober before. Each day, I get closer to beating that.

It was there that the beginning of alcoholism sprouted.

Whiskey would warm and ease these ice cold painef bones. Booze can be used as medicine. It can and has been for centuries,, but the problem arises when it becomes a regular basis. It then becomes a necessity you rely on. Become dependent on.

I was dependent on those medications I was abruptly discontinued from, too. The years it took to adjust. Cymbalta withdrawal was brutal. All anyone wanted to talk about is the opuoids. That’s not the only thing that helps or hurts people.

Anyway,

I may be an alcoholic now, but I’m a recovering one and I plan to die one day still free of it.

I attend Church (online) each Sunday. March will be 3 years.

I’m on a 866 day Spanish Learning streak.

I’m still doing my music movement therapy. I’ve had a few periods of time I’ve been unable to.

I’m at 3 days a week, about 12 minutes each session on average. It hurts to do and it hurts not to.

I’ve been off and on the low carbs the last few months. I’ve gained some weight back of the 40 that I’d lost. I wish I had taken more pics when I had gotten lower. I didn’t though. Some days my swelling and inflammation is so bad, you can’t tell at all that I had lost any. Other days it was / is noticeable. Let’s just say, I’ve kept 30 off.

I’ve heard people gain weight when they quit smoking. I have no idea if this contributed for me.. Next week will be 8 months and November 18th, I’ll also be 3 years and 10 months alcohol free.

I did promote to 3 lb dumbbells finally. It took a long time. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to increase from here. I can move them at my side for stationary walking, I can’t lift them up (like a birds wings spread outward, or like a butterfly) without intense pain at my elbows. Probably Tendonitis, Idk. I have that diagnosis in other areas of my body, so it seems likely. It feels like meat being torn away from the bones.

I turned 54, 2 weeks ago. Collage photo dump. I haven’t shared any of these.

Photos, October 26, 2022.

My goals for this year is to re establish a sense of community. My social anxiety is pretty bad at times.

I currently engage lightly, (emojis, love, and care) I stay friendly, but do not take part in the bickering between groups, or individuals. I don’t really participate in actual conversation and if so, seldom. I’ll stay the same as the last several years and remove myself from anything no good for me.

I attended a CRPS support group meeting last month and plan to continue doing so. I enjoyed that.

All we can do is live forward.

If I ever hurt you, while I was hurting, I’m sorry.

Forward in faith…

Simply Stable

Posted by twinklev

It remains difficult to manage life with so many illnesses. It does! I often refer to myself as “stable”. It’s the best term I have to describe “not suicidal.”

Stable is a good thing! Even when the struggle is heavy. Yes, indeed, its a good thing.

Few people can relate to physical pain so intense that you lose your mind. Most can only relate to their own level of severe and thats perfectly okay. Imagine your severe, and have that severity, rarely ever stop, and see if that wouldn’t put a major dent in your entire existence.

The amount of work I’ve put in the last 18 months surely helped, yet didn’t bring any of it to a halt.

I’ve put in this “work” many times before. It’s all work, everyday, and then there’s extra work. Just trying is work. And then you have to “be able to” in the first place.

Pain hurts! It’s not as simple as many believe it should be. It’s not! All these things people think if we did, we’d be fine, is a form of false hope. It can be detrimental to force onto others “if they only did this” it could be all better. But since they won’t do it, or complain about it they must NOT want to get better. That’s not true! Perhaps there’s a few people out there that might apply to, but seriously not accurate for most of us.

Its a nice way to nudge someone into depression or raise their anxiety by guilt shaming them. After all, if they only tried.

How TF you know if they tried or not, or how much they’ve put in? You really don’t.

No wonder so many people feel badly about themselves. Worthless. Not measuring up. That’s not going to help them heal in any kind of way.

I prefer to love and care for people where they are. At all times. I know too deeply what it feels like to be judged, discarded, and thought lowly of.

It took 6 months again for my shoulder and cervical spine to finally ease down. During that time there were several instances that I thought it was near the end of its course. It wasn’t. The music movement therapy I’d been consistently doing at least 3 days a week, and sometimes 5 became less and less. The last time I completed a 3 day week was in early May with 1 day in last week.

My lumbar spine hasn’t slipped in nearly a year. Thank you, Jesus.

My neck and shoulder hadn’t been this bad since Manual Ligament Therapy nearly 6 years ago.

While that pain is wonderfully decreased currently, and has been for 2 months now, my neck is often swollen. Noticeable and embarrassing at times.

CRPS – I get days where my feet look great! I’ve had extreme edema, and discoloration more times than I could count. 1000s. It’s nearing 22 years since the injuries that caused it. There’s also a half dozen other significant problems in that foot alone. The other foot is better, yet has issues, too. Orthotics help when I can tolerate wearing them. Aligning my spine and posture is a major plus. Unfortunately the times when my feet swell, I can’t put them on, there’s no room to even try to force them and push through it.

There’s been times when swelling moderately existed, but not severely and I did wear them anyway. My feet already feel as if they’re being crushed, so all that does is really crush them. I have to learn to back off.

I have my own psychological hangup caused by others. “I must not be trying hard enough, and I must not want to get better”.

I wake each day full body swollen. My face, beyond puffy. It takes an hour or two every morning to be able to move about without that pain. I start moving myself immediately upon waking. The first walk to the kitchen is the toughest, feels horrible, and seems to take forever. Swelling may decrease throughout the day, even my appearance is better, and then the inflammation happens in my sleep it seems, and I wake to it all again, each and every day.

I’m still using Cat’s Claw.

I just had my soberversary 2 days ago. 3 years and 6 months alcohol free and 5 days ago, 4 months tobacco free.

Neither has made much of a difference in any overall pain related quality of life.

Still happy I stopped them tho.

I’m not doing well, nor am I doing badly. I’m managing.

I’m simply stable.

Made it to Georgia for Mama

Posted by twinklev

My dad had just died a couple of weeks before. He passed away at home on Memorial Day. My mama was critical in ICU again, and not expected to make it. I hadn’t been able to reach Dad in time, nor attend his funeral. My Auntie, who was also my God Mother, was both holding on and passing away at the same time.

My brother in law sent me a ticket that would leave Sacramento June 28th, 2022. I had just a few day to ready myself. I would travel light, a small carry on backpack, the clothes I was wearing, 1 leggings, overall shorts, and a couple t-shirts, and camis to rotate.

Something incredible happened. 2 days before I’d board the plane, mama woke up.

And she was home by the time I got there. Instead of a visit that would’ve been spent by her side in the hospital, filled with uncertainty and grief, was overflowing with gratitude and grace.

Mother and Daughter – Stronger Than Pain

My sister and her husband did all they could to get me there. No one had this type of money. The ticket was over $600. I hadn’t seen my sister in person in 20 years.

I really didn’t know how I’d physically make this trip, only that God always knows in advance everything, and all the extra physical therapy I’d been doing the many months prior would benefit me. The weight I’d lost would help me weight bare better, and I could do it, I had to.

I was more worried about my cognitive dysfunction. I made notes of everything I’d do, including “possibilities”, such as getting lost, or my legs giving out.

My daughter Rikki was driving from Michigan to pick me up at Atlanta and drive us to Manchester where Mama lives. She stayed with and took me back to the airport for my flight home.

My son Ozra had food and supplies delivered the day before I boarded. He bought my regulation backpack, jump battery for my phone, cash for airport coffee, and food if I needed.

Rikki would pay for anything I needed in GA. She bought me CBD honey sticks for pain. Grateful for my kids and everyone who helped me manage this.

I was there for my dad’s month anniversary and visited his resting place. It’ll also be where mama will be someday.

Breaks my heart that my God Mama went to heaven on June 28th while I was in the air. She still hasn’t been laid to rest yet.

I flew back home July 3rd.

I haven’t really begun to grieve. I know these things have happened, but it was all too close together. Couldn’t really process them as they were occurring. There wasn’t even any room for that.

My Mama is a miracle, and having reached her in time is another.

That’s my focus!

Thank you, Jesus!

Father’s Day – 2 Daddy’s in Heaven

Posted by twinklev

My Dad passed away at home on Memorial Day. It seemed fitting, as many said, for a Vietnam Hero and wounded warrior.

When I wrote last he had just been diagnosed with cancer during a 9 day hospital stay. 2 days before Mother’s Day he was taken back for a mild heart attack. On Mother’s Day, my mom who was at the hospital with him had a severe heart attack and was rushed to the cath lab immediately. She underwent stent repair, replacement and additional stents were added. She has 7 now. She spent several days in ICU while dad was on the cardiac unit.

My mom has had a pacemaker for several years now. The doctors said her heart cannot be fixed anymore. Ever. She’s had at least a half dozen heart attacks now, and 3 or 4 in just the last 2 years.

During that time we learned Dads cancer was stage 4, and had already spread. He made it home for a day, and was taken to his chemo appt, where an ambulance was called and was admitted again. He finally made it back home to pass away. He was gone just a few days later.

When mom was discharged after 6 days they wouldn’t let her return to the hospital to be with him. Due to her own health, they said. She was so scared, and unwell. But for him.

There’s a couple blessings in this heartache. One is that mom was in the hospital when she collapsed with her heart attack, it saved her life. The other is that Dad did make it back home to pass on with her with her by his side.

The thought and possibly of them being separated in his death was devastating.

I wasn’t able to be there for them. I’m in California and they’re in Georgia. I wasn’t able to attend his services or burial, and that’ll forever tug my heart.

Between the cost of a plane ticket, averaging a $1000 at the time, and my physical ability, or rather inability the obstacles became larger. I kept thinking if funds were available I could do the trip but it would have to be from here. Prices were coming down some, but that was flying out of San Francisco (always cheaper that way) instead of Sacramento where I reside. Frisco is 90 minutes to 2 hours away. Traffic can add hours to that, and Bay area traffic can be rough. It would have taken me 12 hours or about (flight and travel) just to get to Atlanta GA, and then another 90 minute car ride to get to my parents home in Manchester. Not counting any layover or plane transfers.

If I could have gotten on a plane in Sacramento on a non stop flight that would have assisted my physical obstacles to manage getting there but those were the expensive tickets. If a caregiver accompanied me that of course would be double the cost. It was all out of reach.

I’m praying with all my heart tickets come down enough that I might still be able to make it there in the next months to see my mom. I already know that if I can somehow, that it’ll be the last time in this life I’ll ever see her. I’ve been trying to come to terms with that.

But more so that I’ll never see her again anyway since her heart is in that bad of condition, and the loss of dad has her in deep depression as well. I have to prepare myself in advance.

This Father’s Day, both of my Dad’s are in heaven. Lauren Wood 1991, and Don Tresca 2022.

One is my birth dad, and the second is my dad not by blood, but by love. Technically Don was my step dad, but has been just dad too for nearly 25 years.

Breaks my heart that my mama has been widowed twice now.

Some children never had a dad at all. How incredibly blessed I am to have had 2 of them.

Rest in peace and love. Best Dads ever!!!

Heartache and Happiness

Posted by twinklev

In just the last few weeks both my auntie, who’s also my God Mother, and my Dad, my second dad, has been diagnosed with cancer.

My aunts came quickly. Confirmation that is. Metastasized full body. Seemingly quickly, I should say, it’s been there spreading to get to stage 4 like this. Doctors dismissed her complaints as whining. She’s on hospice at this time, and is declining rapidly.

We just learned of Dad a few days ago after a 9 day hospital stay. Small cell carcinoma lung cancer. We don’t know what stage yet.

My birth dad died of lung cancer in the 25th year of marriage with my mom.

My mom’s husband now was also her high school sweetheart before she met my birth dad. I’m so happy that after we lost my dad, she found the man who’s been my dad the last 25 years. My birth dad died when I was 22. This Dad has been an amazing husband to my mom, and wonderful dad to my sister and I, even though for me its at a distance.

A year ago docs said his lungs were fine.

I have anger because I don’t believe they fail to see spots, shadows, cancer in scans. They just don’t tell us earlier on. Call me paranoid but I don’t even care. Healthcare is a shitshow. Thats all it is. And people die because of it. Heartbreaking for aunties children and grands.

I’m trying to stay focused on all the good around me. Tone down emotions of worry and grief so I can be okay, too. So that stress doesn’t instigate my conditions. But of course, its occurring. I can’t reach my parents, they’re in Georgia, I’m in California.

I stay praying Dad still has time.

There’s both heartache and happiness. Happiness for all the love.

My daughter Rikki will be here Tuesday from Michigan. It’ll most likely be the last time she sees auntie.

Heavy.