When God Spoke- I Heard Him Clearly!

Posted by twinklev

This has been an overwhelming week. Tears, emotional pain, fear, worry and uncertainty.

These have been hard years in health and hardship. No one knows what its all entailed. A few people have known pieces and parts. Some of it is overflow from a decade ago, some is new or ongoing, and others are sudden crisis situations. Some I saw coming, attempted to prevent or minimize damage to but couldn’t do a darn thing about and additionally, those on the spot occurrences lacking any clue in sight.

Its become drastic. I prayed, and prayed, remained in prayer, held down a breakdown even though it’s been a struggle to stabilize it all. Now, drastic measures are necessary.

I’m not able to elaborate.

I’ve kept myself from rage just barely a time or two. When my anger rose, I prayed. When the tears rained, I prayed, when I was woken out of sleep in panic attacks I prayed and when panic randomly took my breath away throughout the day, I prayed.

I heard Father God clearly. I heard my Lord precisely. I know what to do now. It’s too late for any other choice or remedy.

That time has come and gone without resolve.

I’ve made pre arrangements to start a new life and leave all of this one behind.

I can’t take this one with me- there’s too much pain in it.

I began taking my power back 2 years ago. I know that the perception of others was that this occurred earlier. It didn’t. I can’t stay waiting for others to change and do better for themselves, accountable and responsible. I’ve stayed through thick and thin, for better or for worse, sickness and in health and I have loved, honored and cherished, deeply.

Next year will be 40 years.

He’s sick, I’m sick, and I’m barely able carry the whole load that is always too close to burying me.

Make better a priority.

God was so clear! He’s been trying to tell me but I submitted and complied to my husband’s wishes and ways and not my Father’s.

I must abide in God’s will and only God’s will. It’s for my good and his Glory.

There’s so much to be done now. Hopefully, I don’t crash. I know I carry the spiritual strength of the Lord inside me all the time. I’d have not beaten all that I have already had it not been so.

My husband can come too, but I’m not staying. I cannot!

I’ve secured a new place to live and the vision of a beautiful life is ahead of me. Whatever is left of it- for both of us.

Thank you, Jesus!

Gracias mijo.

Maybe 2026 gonna be my year!

Chronic Pain and Crisis

Posted by twinklev

I woke up at 3:00 a.m. out of my sleep with a panic attack. Its 4:30 a.m. now.

I’ve been trying to steady my emotions while snapping to it to do as much as I can physically since a major home disaster occurred 2 daya ago. An act of God, some may call it.

I was already in a flare a couple of weeks back when I halted use of Kratom tea for a week.

That flare caused a more than moderate spinal flare and I barely had 2 days of resuming tea when this serious issue struck.

Because I had to do all I could to clear debri my back, legs and feet are so bad now.

I’m not a victim by any means, but seriously, a break from tragedy and chaos is greatly needed. Its one thing after another and its always been.

No wonder I never heal.

Yesterday, I tried to keep active with shares and a bit of engagement in between hussling myself to get things cleared, boxed, and trash seperated. My husband can’t get time off work.

I’m the only one doing any of this and its not something that can wait. At all.

I have no clue what we’re going to do.

I doubt I’ll be able to budge much today. I’m hoping to rest or get a nap. I’ve rarely napped in nearly a decade. Many rests, no sleep with it. It pains my body worse and I remain exhausted day after day.

I’ve gotten back on a CPAP but it doesn’t provide better or refreshing sleep for me that’s often raved about. It does occasionally raise my blood oxygen which is a plus because I’m consistently low 90s, high 80s.

I have my back brace on now and relying on it.

I’ll need to eleviate my legs throughout the day, I dread being bed ridden. I already have lidocaine on.

What are you trying to tell me this time God, I’m listening.

Kratom and 7OH

Posted by twinklev

Laid up with so much to do.

I’ve been able to manage pain enough to keep myself stable, most days.

I utilize both Kratom and 7OH. Kratom tea has been a daily modality for nearly 7 years aside from a couple 1-3 day pauses in consumption.

Kratom, while a life preserver isn’t always sufficient for the intensities of pain as a result of multiple illnesses, injuries and disorders.

In March of 2024, I tried 7OH after visiting my Mama and making the trip to Georgia, a month prior. That was the last time I spent with her earthside. She passed away in her home, barely 5 days after beginning hospice. I wasn’t with her, but my sisters and GA family were.

I made it to her laying to rest, and I only had 3 days to accomplish it, as she’s Catholic and that occurred on the 3rd day. I hardly know how I made the trip, other than a few people donated toward my ticket which helped. Because it was an on the spot ticket it was $804.00. I was able to pay the down payment and pay the balance in installments over the next 6 week via PayPal’s Pay in 4. I’ll always be grateful as there were expenses in just traveling, gas. It accumulated quickly.. My mama lived a couple hours from Atlanta. I had to be picked up and taken back. I stayed at Mama’s house which is my Sister’s now.

7OH helped a great deal when I sprained my ankle, last November. An acute rescue. My foot is only now finally healed from the visible trauma. Pain in both feet are constant. The tear line only eased off about 6 weeks ago. I nibble the 7OH, tiny serving sizes. Micro amounts. I used the 10 mg tablet until I switched companies. The 12 mg tablet is their lowest.

Forward to now, I wake each morning with a cup of Kratom tea or what most call swamp water. 7OH is for the tougher days. I may take it on a day, consecutively or not at all. Having it on hand has been a blessing equal to my other blessings which is a full chronic care toolbox of items.

Because of a medical situation and condition, I paused Kratom tea on Saturday. No withdrawals.

I’ve been physically limited in movement. My coccyx or disc has slipped. This has occurred many times, but this is the first time since I was completely incapacitated for 6 months in 2023 and another time that year for 8 weeks.

I have osteophytes throughout my spine and that may be contributing.

I’m horribly swollen and CRPS areas discolored from the edema. My back is the worse of it right now.

Laid up with so much to do. Our Church Thanksgiving is this Sunday, I need to make a dish for the gathering. I signed up to do so. I still have a few days so I’m hopeful that I can achieve it.

The Kratom Stories Podcast newest premiere is tomorrow following our meetup on the Skool Platform, formerly the X Space. After those, Christopher’s Tea Talks on Zoom, and Saturday, The Kratom Gals livestream.

I may have to miss 1 of these tomorrow.

I’ve been participating with the International Pain Foundations NERVEmber project as I have since 2011 or about. A couple of times over the years I couldn’t do as much, barely a few shares. A few of those times were broken or sprained bones. 2 of those years included an overwhelming nervous breakdown and sporadic involvement. I still tried.. The internet helps participation when disabilities get in the way and other times, unwell is unwell and it can still be a hindered experience.

My husband is at work all day, so I don’t have any help. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. and generally doesn’t get home until 6-6:30 p.m. Time enough to have dinner and go to bed.

My Church wouldn’t be upset at me, if I couldn’t make food to take. They’ve always been quite accommodating.

I enjoy contributing and fellowship. I adore being of service as their Community Manager.

I dislike that my already limited ability is minimized to even less at the moment. It’s difficult to catch up and wears me mentally, and emotionally, in addition to physically.

I’ve fought so hard to be where I am and somewhat content for what it all is. My current state is depressing hardly able to budge, or take a step.

I’m grateful for both Kratom and 7OH. They’re not the same, yet they’re assistive per my various needs in managing chronic illnesses and intractable pain.

I haven’t been under the care of a doctor in nearly 10 years.

All the Glory to God.

And only God.

Celebrating 57

Posted by twinklev

Its been a wonderful birthday week.

Last Saturday, my husband and I met up with our son, his beautiful wife, and our precious grandchildren Ezekiel, Greyson, and Liliana to attend a non profit benefit. The organization- Project Ride has several fundraising benefits annually, but I’d asked to go to the Spaghetti Feed, a few months back, as an early birthday gift of family time.

I wish my daughter Rikki was here. She lives in Michigan.

My son secured our tickets and we had a great time.

In order to be able to manage weight bearing, I did my usual prep routine. I’d gotten Lidocaine on both feet the day prior, otherwise, I’d have not been able to endure the footwear and walking on uneven ground. It was a sand floor. The benefit takes place in an enormous barn with a at least a thousand people present. Of course, I had my noise reducing ear plugs in but loose and secure. No one can tell that I have these in, unless I reveal it. That’s rare. The buds are discreet and I can tap them in as necessary, and re loosen simply.

I didn’t take my cane because I saved up my leg time to not have to. It all ended in perfect timing as an accomplished evening. The event was located in Elk Grove and not too far from our home. My Son drove an hour to meet us there. He lives in Fairfield, closer to the Bay Area. I have Kratom tea for on the go, and OTC analgesics, as well. We were back home about 3 hours later. I wasn’t forced to push too hard to manage making beautiful memories.

I’m hoping to make it part of my routine to attend yearly.

Today, my born day, we had our oldest daughter and grandson over. I made 15 homemade low carb enchiladas on Friday. All I’d have to do when they arrived was bake them.

Living with multiple chronic conditions and intractable pain stole too many years.

I’m clever in my planning and always mindful to pace my body and activities. By doing so, I can do anything! Well, perhaps not, but much more than the first 20 years with CRPS and these specific permanent disabilities. I’ll be at the 25th year January 26th. Others are unrelated.

I’m just always careful to not overdo and not push myself excessively. I push beyond my limits already, there’s a fine line to that becoming the edge.

While a flare is increasing in intensity, I’m okay enough right now and I know in a few days it’ll begin to ease from this acute instigation. I’ll definitely need a few days to recover and that’s okay.

This morning began with attending Church. I presented our Welcome, Scripture and Prayer to the congregation both in-person and online.

Unfortunately, I swell regularly. I dislike my appearance while it’s occurring. Inflammation is daily. I woke with my whole body swollen, my face puffy. By afternoon that subsided some. It’s always present to a degree.

My blood oxygen has been on the lower side for more than a decade. Finally, I’ve gotten back on a CPAP.

Even with my machine its still low, but I’ve had a few nights better. Just not too many as of yet. I’m presuming lack of blood flow, circulation, and feeling like my air has been turned down contributes, as well as living in pain each and every day no matter what I do or don’t do.

I don’t smile because life is good; I smile because God is.

I became my Church’ Official Community Manager in June 2025. This upcoming March will be 6 years since I’ve held this position in service.

All the Glory to the Father!

Thank you, Jesus!

Information on Project Ride, Inc.

Harnessing The Magic to Change Lives

44 years of accreditation.

Project R.I.D.E. Inc. offers therapeutic recreational horseback riding instruction to over 600 riders with disabilities and special needs. Our goal is to improve physical, emotional, and social functioning through participation in a highly structured and safe program. Riders’ interaction with carefully selected and trained horses improves their balance, posture, flexibility, sensory awareness, and endurance, in addition to increasing confidence, self-esteem, self-discipline, motivation, attention span, and integration with non-disabled peers.
Our program certainly has therapeutic benefits, but it is recreational in nature and is meant to be a fun activity that aligns with the goals of other therapeutic interventions.

Mission Statement: Project R.I.D.E. will provide children and adults with special needs a safe, educational and recreational equine experience to enrich their physical and emotional development.

About

Forward in faith…

Chronic Pain and Movement

Posted by twinklev

Chronic intractable pain can be challenging.

At summers end of 2021, I put my whole heart and mind into what I coined Music Movement Therapy.

I consumed low carbs which supported my mission to reduce weight, and hopefully help me feel better, minimize inflammation, and promote an overall sense of well being.

I maintained weightloss into 2023, but with a major flare, constant swelling,, old illnesses, internal female troubles, family sicknesses, loss and other heartbreaking instances weight gain was nearly overnight. To be specific, just weeks.

I continued to put in movement and exercise days, at times, 10 minutes, and others only a couple of minutes was accomplishable.

Its become harder and harder. My heart rate variability is consistently low. My average over the last 3 years is 15. Today is 10. My blood oxygen is also on the lower side with an overall average of 94. None of my health metrics are ideal.

My spO2 effects me adversely at 92 or lower. The days I’m 89-91 has me dragging worse than my other low energy days.

My Kiddie pool has been up a month or so but I don’t put in the physical therapy time, I could years ago. I’d then get 1-3 hours a week. The last 2 years 30 minutes to an hour.

Any and all types of movements matter.

I’m not finished with menopause and the female issues have been rough from the very beginning.

I had an exploratory laparotomy when I was 22. I’d lost twins then, with one ectopic and the other in uterus. I’d had internal problems with my organs that began when I was barely a teen. I had lesions removed during the same operation. Painful recovery.

Hopefully, I’ll finally be finished with that aspect of womanhood soon.

Its exhausting always co existing with all the other illnesses.

I still manage chronic pain, CRPS, spinal disorders and numerous others holistically and with stretching, or simply promoting circulation. Always something at the very least. Actual exercise isn’t always achievable.

I’ve been alcohol free 6 years and 6 months. I’ve been cigarette free 3 years and 4 months. There’s not much more I can do for myself.

Today’s a rest and recover day.

We spent yesterday celebrating our grandson Greyson’s 4th birthday. Last month was Ezekiel’s 5th, and the month prior was our granddaughter Liliana’s 1st.

I’m extra swollen and flaring.

They are so very worth the added pain. Grateful for all of them. Our oldest grandson will be 20 upcoming.

I did get in a lot of movement with my very busy grandloves. That counts!

Sending love and prayers to all.

Kratom Gals 2.0

Posted by twinklev

Come join us each Saturday at 2:00 p.m. EST on The Kratom Gals 2.0 Live on YouTube.

Madalyn Sklar, host of The Kratom Stories Podcast and Kratom Real Talk with the Gals- Venus, Amanda, Stephanie, and I.

Special guests appear regularly.

Tomorrow’s Episode (June 21, 2025)

I join the Livestream during the second hour. We all utilize Kratom to manage chronic pain, chronic illnesses and mental health.

Plain leaf tea has benefited each of us, positively.

We discuss regulation, legislative matters, and concerns. We share how Kratom has helped us help ourselves and much more.

You’re invited to also join:

Kratom Real Talk – A private forum http://kratomrealtalk.com

And meet with us each Thursday at 3:00 p.m. EST in a support group like setting where we share our pain and our accomplishments and let others know how Kratom has helped us with symptom management.

Kratom Real Talk on Twitter – live audio chat Thursdays 3pm ET https://twitter.com/KratomStory

X Space Regulars
@KratomStory @siennagsd @rsdcrpsfire (myself)

On TikTok

Madalyn Sklar, host of The Kratom Stories Podcast and Kratom Real Talk
https://www.tiktok.com/@tealeafpodcast

Venus Usher https://www.tiktok.com/@krat0mbutterfly

Twinkle VanFleet
https://www.tiktok.com/@twinkle.strongerthanpain

Interested in sharing your story?
Contact Kratom Stories Podcast

https://www.kratomstoriespodcast.com/contact/

Videos, spaces, and livestreams are commentary for educational and entertainment purposes. It is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician or other medical professional. We are a community of people sharing our own personal experiences, knowledge, and stories.

Hope to see you there!

Memo- If you’re reading from LinkedIn or Tumblr, please leave any comments on Original Blog Post.Thank you!

When I Say I don’t Want To Talk About It

Posted by twinklev

When I say, I don’t want to talk about it, what I really mean is I don’t want to dwell on it or revive visceral emotions. I refrain from extra sadness on my heart.

Its become a habit of sort to halt certain conversations as they begin.

I get in a lalala mode in my head immediately and I don’t do well to proceed answering certain questions especially in regard to family matters.

I’m not speaking of internet relations although I suppose it applies.

I become overly anxious.

It’s a trauma response. Instead of going through the motions of explaining or engaging, I simply leave it or allow it to trail off.

I’m decent, polite. I just don’t let myself feel pressured or flustered.

Some people aren’t asking how we are, or how something is going because they actually care…

its because they’re fishing for the scoop.

Generally, I’m an open book. Not all things are someone elses business, though.

These last several years have been an extention of healing from the other hardships years prior.

It takes a great deal of effort to both stand my ground and be cordial and kind in the midst of intractable pain and managing my own well being.

Stress is an enemy.

I care for me, for me, so that I can care for my husband, my loved ones and then anyone else I might assist.

It’s taken a lot of time with God to get me here.

Inner peace is valuable. I have to avoid becoming overwhelmed and overestimated.

I still struggle with bits of stimming and meltdowns. Tears have lightened.

Gracias Dios.

Pouring myself into bible verse, chapters, and gospel has been beautiful.

Church, Spanish Lessons, Music Movement Therapy are all personal gains and distractions each week.

Speaking of Church, I have great news to share soon. Amazing news!

It’s been nearly 2 years since I’ve blogged an entry here. A lot to write about if I get an inclination to do so. 🙂

Feliz viernes!

Kratom Testimonial

Posted by twinklev

Please support product safety regulations and the Kratom Consumer Protection Act instead of banning and criminalizing Kratom.

2016 was my rise and fall. I was at the height of my volunteer advocacy career. I had also fallen to rock bottom when my prescribed medications were denied or delayed on a regular basis by my workers compensation carrier. I had been with my Pain Management Doctor for 12 years when I was abruptly dismissed by his Physicians Assistant while he was on vacation. My fire letter states Physician/Patient breakdown. No other reason was given for the dismissal.

I had been a model patient and in full compliance until that day when I told her I had attempted to end my life.

I’m a former California Ambassador, Executive Board Member, Advocacy Director, Healthcare Advisor, and Legislative Speaker for the International Pain Foundation.

I recieved 2 prestigious awards that year for my advocacy. The Medtronic Bakken Award and the iPain Hero of Hope Award.

I left advocacy abruptly due to repeated major depressive events as a result of the unmanaged physical pain of CRPS and comorbidities.

My Complex Regional Pain Syndrome also known as Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome is a painful, often progressive debilitating neuro inflammatory auto immune related illness, nicknamed a “suicide diseade” This condition was acquired as the result of a work related injury 22 years ago. Initially diagnosed as a sprain it was later determined that the tendons were torn from the bones of my right foot. A midmetatarsal separation of bone fractures, tendon displacement and ligament tears. I had a Lisfranc fracture. I underwent 2 surgeries, and intense long term physical therapy. I had to learn to walk all over again.

I had a permanent spinal cord stimulator implanted on my spine in 2006 to help disguise pain signals and reduce the symptoms of nerve damage. I was taking a low dose opioid with an antidepressant, anti seizure medication, muscle relaxer and a benzodiazepine for several years. The Benzo and Opioid were not always prescribed together.

I had tried Kratom about 15 years prior, yet hadn’t taken it often at all.

To this day, medical care for my work related permanent injury to my right foot or Spinal Cord Stimulator has not been re established.

I began taking Kratom after my dismissal from medical care but it was on a light to moderate basis, not every day.

I’ve now taken Kratom for the last 4+ years as my main medicinal support for chronic pain and other illnesses. During the years that I was a patient, my blood pressure was consistently high. I was taking 2 blood pressure medications prescribed by a primary physician unrelated to my workers comp pain management physician. Kratom has significantly reduced my blood pressure, and I haven’t taken the Lisinopril or Hydralazine since approximately 2017. I was being treated for Sleep Disorders, Narcolepsy and mixef/complex apneas. Kratom also assists my Narcolepsy. I haven’t returned for a refill of my Nuvigil medication since 2018.

Kratom offers me a life preserver each day, and it’s imperative it remains an option. Without it, I surely wouldn’t be functional on any day.

Some days making dinner is my only achievement and on others I can get in 10-15 minutes of exercise because of it. This is huge considering there had been too many bed ridden days.

I haven’t been suicidal since drinking tea. I skip a few days here and there and I’ve had no adverse reaction other than a rise in pain and chronic illness symptoms which is normal for my conditions.

I should add that I abused alcohol to relieve intractable chronic pain before ever taking Kratom regularly as dual analgesia plus a fatigue reducer.

My heart says Kratom has helped with continued abstinence. When I stopped consuming alcohol I hadn’t began having the tea daily yet.

I’m 4 years and 5 months sober now.

If Kratom wasn’t available to relieve my pain and symptoms I don’t know where I’d be today or if I’d have attempted suicide again. That sounds horrid. Being in so much pain one could even consider it is even more horrible. We shouldn’t live in suffering. Kratom is why I’m able to hang on, stay above water and keep myself from drowning.

I’m under no physician care and my Spinal Cord Stimulator hasn’t worked since 2018. It had become damaged a week prior to my dismissal from pain management. I have 2 leads/wires and 16 electrodes on my spine. Its hasn’t been managed by a physician at all since I was let go as a patient.

In lieu of medical treatment, Kratom has been my crutch.

Life’s hard, pain’s hard, and without this life preservong leaf it would be unbearable for me.

Sincerely,

Twinkle VanFleet, 54, Sacramento, CA. Twinklev.strongerthanpain@gmail.com

—

My brief summary statement for Legislators in less than 250 characters.

Please support product safety regulations instead of banning and criminalizing Kratom.
Kratom offers me a life preserver each day, and it’s imperative it remains an option to manage multiple health conditions that include incurable neuro-inflammatory and autoimmune disorders with chronic intractable pain.

CRPS – A Balancing Act

Posted by twinklev

It’s NERVEmber! November is Nerve pain awareness and Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome Awareness month.

I attended the iPain Summit yesterday which was streaming live from their Facebook page-

https://www.facebook.com/iPainFoundation

https://internationalpain.org/

I enjoyed.

Yesterday was the 5 year anniversary to my husband’s 3rd heart attack, the 4th was 11 months later. Reflecting, I was in constant fight, flight and freeze. This illness directly impacts the fight flight stress response alteady. Trauma after trauma. I was also attempting to recover myself from my last suicide attempt which was earlier that same year in 2017.

That year, even though I was still mentally unstable from various happenings of 2016, was the beginning of healing.

I’ve made the journey without Healthcare and for the last few years without the use of my Spinal Cord Stimulator, and also without self medicating with alcohol. It may sound as if I’m complaining,… it’s been hard, and it hasn’t eased up. I can’t even talk about some of it, which means I’m forced to carry those things, and constantly divert my mindset to something good. Instantaneously.

One of the topics presented at the iPain Summit was Caregiving. I’m both a caregiver and a…

I’m not even sure how to refer to myself because I’m not a patient anymore. Even when the pain communities refer to us as CPP’s, ugh, but wait chronic pain person works for me instead of chronic pain patient. Woot!

Nah. Still doesn’t work. The ussumption would remain. Not all of us are patients!

Every last aspect of my existence must be balanced to be able to lay my head down at night and feel blessed to have ended another day ok.

I was listening to Ken Taylor speak on caregiving while preparing our dinner for the evening. I cook all our food. It’s all homemade. Heart healthy as best as I can for my husband.

It seems and feels like it takes me all day and if I deviate from my daily routine in any way it worsens my overall experience.

My Facebook memories reminded me yesterday that my Narcolepsy diagnosis via sleep study was 10 years ago. That’s been a mission of it’s own.

When Barby was presenting I had propped my phone under my lil table top Xmas tree that I have on a shelf and got a 10 minute stationary walk in. It was a walk n watch. Ha.

On Saturday I tried to attend a crps support group meeting. I just don’t understand Zoom. I attended another time, audio only, and could at least partially participate. I was trying video this time, but couldn’t get the audio to work. I couldn’t figure out settings to enable it. Then I crashed the phone twice and didn’t try a 3rd time. Learning disabilities.

My husband installed the Zoom app on his phone just so he could help me learn to navigate for future use.

We’re each others Caregivers.

I’m home alone much of each day. He leaves for work at 5:15 a.m. and if on time, he works until 2:30 p.m. Dinner is usually served by 3:45 p.m.

Sounds nuts to some, I’m sure. And that’s perfectly fine. It’s part of my balancing act to have dinner ready early. It’s routine.

It’s all a balancing act and I’m exhausted. I’m not always able to differentiate mental or emotional fatigue from Narcolepsy and other sleep disorders, yet the body fatigue is extreme because of pain and comorbidities.

I put a piece of roast in the crockpot about 90 minutes ago. It’s nearly 11:30 a.m. now. I started writing this 2 houes ago.

I start my days early, I have to in order to get dinner, dogs, and dishes done, no matter. I’m down for the day by 5 and often asleep by 8:30 p.m.

I suppose some of this comes with age and I’m most definitely not a spring chicken anymore.

Green Vietnam with a dash of Super Green MD this morning. My Spinal Cord Stimulator use to be my life preserver, now Kratom is.

Forward in Faith

Posted by twinklev

These months have anniversary affects attached for me and so managing depression can be a little harder than other times of the year.

Everything from unborn children loss to my husband’s several heart attacks to leaving advocacy, abandoned by my pain management specialist, denied care, suicide holds, death, so much more. I just pray that nothing else happens as I move through the seasons.

I’m not healed yet I remain IN healing.

I’ve reached out to a couple of people this year. Making amends of sorts, Trying to, I suppose. Break any ice that might be there.

Closure.

This time 4 years ago I was at my wits end once more. Denied care after trying to re establish after all that before and it was denied further.. I didnt try to kill myself, I promised I wouldn’t do that again. My husband had just had his 4th heart attack. He had it when we returned from my nephews funeral. I had been abstaining decently from the use of drink. His 3rd was barely a year before. My physical pain was awful (it was going on 2 years since losing my PMD) and I have no doubt the worry and stress added to the intensity of it all. His 4th year permanent work anniversary is the same day as 4th heart attack, too. I say permanent because he was with them as a temp during the 6 months prior.

Sad, looking back. Sad, no medical care, understanding, even compassion is there to help a person. I literally ended up an alcoholic because of CRPS. I’m sure that was lingering since the very first time I used booze to relieve. That was 21 years ago. January will be 22 years since the injuries that led to CRPS. I’ve had 8 years sober before. Each day, I get closer to beating that.

It was there that the beginning of alcoholism sprouted.

Whiskey would warm and ease these ice cold painef bones. Booze can be used as medicine. It can and has been for centuries,, but the problem arises when it becomes a regular basis. It then becomes a necessity you rely on. Become dependent on.

I was dependent on those medications I was abruptly discontinued from, too. The years it took to adjust. Cymbalta withdrawal was brutal. All anyone wanted to talk about is the opuoids. That’s not the only thing that helps or hurts people.

Anyway,

I may be an alcoholic now, but I’m a recovering one and I plan to die one day still free of it.

I attend Church (online) each Sunday. March will be 3 years.

I’m on a 866 day Spanish Learning streak.

I’m still doing my music movement therapy. I’ve had a few periods of time I’ve been unable to.

I’m at 3 days a week, about 12 minutes each session on average. It hurts to do and it hurts not to.

I’ve been off and on the low carbs the last few months. I’ve gained some weight back of the 40 that I’d lost. I wish I had taken more pics when I had gotten lower. I didn’t though. Some days my swelling and inflammation is so bad, you can’t tell at all that I had lost any. Other days it was / is noticeable. Let’s just say, I’ve kept 30 off.

I’ve heard people gain weight when they quit smoking. I have no idea if this contributed for me.. Next week will be 8 months and November 18th, I’ll also be 3 years and 10 months alcohol free.

I did promote to 3 lb dumbbells finally. It took a long time. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to increase from here. I can move them at my side for stationary walking, I can’t lift them up (like a birds wings spread outward, or like a butterfly) without intense pain at my elbows. Probably Tendonitis, Idk. I have that diagnosis in other areas of my body, so it seems likely. It feels like meat being torn away from the bones.

I turned 54, 2 weeks ago. Collage photo dump. I haven’t shared any of these.

Photos, October 26, 2022.

My goals for this year is to re establish a sense of community. My social anxiety is pretty bad at times.

I currently engage lightly, (emojis, love, and care) I stay friendly, but do not take part in the bickering between groups, or individuals. I don’t really participate in actual conversation and if so, seldom. I’ll stay the same as the last several years and remove myself from anything no good for me.

I attended a CRPS support group meeting last month and plan to continue doing so. I enjoyed that.

All we can do is live forward.

If I ever hurt you, while I was hurting, I’m sorry.

Forward in faith…