The night of November 14th, in the early morning hours of the 15th my husband had his 3rd heart attack. It will be 5 years next month that he had the quadruple bypasses open heart surgery. His first heart attack was at the age of 37.  He’ll turn 50 in 2 weeks.  This time 2 of the bypasses had been destroyed and the other 2 were saved by stent placements. I’ll never know for sure if this attack was brought on by his return to work just a few months ago or if losing his health insurance October 31st due to his return to work was the cause. Taking care of himself better could have also reduced this risk. Losing the insurance also caused him to stop taking the numerous heart and diabetes medications in addition to the other preventative for blood pressure, cholesterol etc that he’s been on over the years. He returned back to work 4 days after coming home from the hospital. I’ve been filled with worry because I don’t think he’ll get another chance. I’d be devastated to lose him. He’s lucky to have survived 3 already. I’m working on those fears.

This year I’ve not been involved in advocacy as I had been in the many years before. I resigned from iPain in November of 2016. This was due to me needing to take care of myself. Movement, stretching, holistic remedies, supplements. I recently added Turmeric root for it’s medicinal properties including inflammation. I’m not on any pain or related medications still. I use Valerian root, St. Johns Wort, Magnesium, fresh ginger root, the Turmeric now, dandelion, nettle, B12 and B1 and B6 when I can have them on hand. I’m also taking Estroven. While there are times I wish I had a pain reliever it’s the Narcolepsy medication that’s hardest to go without. Losing insurance or not being able to afford it can put people in a hard place. I’m much more tired being off my CPAP but I’m managing all of it the best that I can.

Last night, I deactivated my Facebook again. I do get defensive when I’m scolded for not doing for other people when all I’m trying to do is for myself and my family. I understand that not everyone knows that I’m not an advocacy director anymore, yet this is not my fault either. On one hand I’ve repeated it enough already this last year and on the other some have told me over the last few days how they didn’t know at all. There was a sense of peace in that I shouldn’t be lip lashed for what others don’t know.

We all have our own stories which are born of our personal experiences and our experiences among others. These are what make us who we are. How can we expect people to understand our pain, or our hardships and in the same breath deny someone else of theirs.

I was going to go to my parents in Georgia next month, but the plan now is for me to be there in April to celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary and renew their wedding vows. I’ve never seen their home or been to their newer town. I have been to their previous home there in Waverly Hall. My parents aren’t my only family there. I look forward to seeing as many of them as I can.

There is an extended sense of isolation with the deactivation of my Facebook. I’m using my husbands little netbook now and Friday I’ll try to to wipe the hard drive of my laptop and install a clean copy of Windows. Must have been a really bad virus as it won’t repair, restore, or even reinstall the windows copy on the drive. If that doesn’t work, well heck. It is what it is. I do have my Kindle.

Breaks are good things.

Thank you.