Heading back to yesterday

So many of us get so lost in the loss of our lives before our diagnosis’ that we fail to realize we never did lose ourselves entirely. We only tucked it away.  For me, I have no formal college diploma’s, I never finished college the first time because I married as a teenager. I began college at 15 studying law and theater after I left my favorite high school. I went to 4. My favorite was the second in La Verne CA . I graduated from professional acting school when my daughter’s were little, but I left that career behind to advocate for end of life, specifically my dad. I had a small business Publishing  company when I was in my mid 20’s while still working full-time for someone else. I’ve been writing since I was 8, published many times in hard print compilations and anthologies. My piece for 911 (September 11, 2001) was published in audio along with others. It was both a hard print and audio special edition. I wrote for the Independent Opinion on various topics years ago. I wrote my book years ago as well. I’ve kept that and it’s title to myself. I had left it to my children to have published someday. It is uniquely written and different from most. Last year, I was encouraged to go forth with it. I am not sure yet. It’s more important for me to leave something behind.  That’s why I left it to my kids in the first place.

All of my education comes from amazing mentors, research, avid reading, documentaries, sources and resources of knowledge that has inspired and educated me. I crave knowledge.

I write poetry, poetic rap, spoken word, quotes, a few essays were politically driven, many health related. Now that I have re connected with one of my publishers from over a decade ago, I realize that I never lost all of me at all. I only set me aside. I set the best of me aside.

I had a publishing site established in 1997 where I helped assist other’s get published. I published those unknowns so that their work could be found by other publishers. I loved doing that. In much the same way I love doing what I do now in advocating. I serve! Included also was my own work. I lost that site in 2007-8 along with many of my pieces. I was so proud of it. It was entirely hand coded, no templates, no programs. Straight html and self-taught. In 2005, I started school for a Corporate Publishing degree. I had to take pause to have my Spinal Cord Stimulator implanted in 2006. I did return, but I have not received my degree. I did however complete my prerequisite courses which gave me a certificate in those classes. My RSD(S)CRPS site overlapped with my GRPC site for a few years. I had them both. Because much of my work has been published online, I’ve been able to retrieve some of what was lost. I’m still looking for the others. I also have in the garage a notebook of all original work that goes back to my childhood which I haven’t even taken a peek in probably 25 years or more. This blog is about to approach its 9th birthday. For a few years it was a set it and forget it with pages of information yet not many actual blog posts.

I’m heading back to my yesterday which brings me joy and have decided that I have more to proffer in what I was then than what I am doing now. I’m trying to keep both. I am not able to choose at this time. So for now I will re-establish my yesterday and move forward in both passions and purposes.

“Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted. one moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?”~Eminem- Lose Yourself

I’m going to capture it!.  And with whatever controversy it brings me. I’m good with it. No one knows my back story, only glimpses of it.

As soon as I’m able, I’ll add my writing’s here. Just going to decide in what manner I’ll post them.  All at once (in the same post)  or individually.

I’m deeply philosophical, I tend to provoke thought. I am an empathetic and sensitive. I prefer my circles small due to this. I can’t see one side, or two sides, I often see 3 sides to issues and people. I don’t care to form many close relationships because of my ability to “see and feel” what is not mine to know. Unfortunately there are times I “see and feel” too much and have to step back a little. I am gifted to have an overwhelming capability in understanding. I can forgive easily. I try to help people let go of the most painful emotion of all, guilt.

I love to make people laugh even at the expense of myself.

Until next time,

I wish you all pain eased days and nights

Always be as well as you can be

I know you’re still in there somewhere, find you!


“I could just dance forever… and ever…
… And submit to every ounce of surging pain that wraps its arms around me” ©2007-2015 Twinkle VanFleet






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