Simply Stable

It remains difficult to manage life with so many illnesses. It does! I often refer to myself as “stable”. It’s the best term I have to describe “not suicidal.”

Stable is a good thing! Even when the struggle is heavy. Yes, indeed, its a good thing.

Few people can relate to physical pain so intense that you lose your mind. Most can only relate to their own level of severe and thats perfectly okay. Imagine your severe, and have that severity, rarely ever stop, and see if that wouldn’t put a major dent in your entire existence.

The amount of work I’ve put in the last 18 months surely helped, yet didn’t bring any of it to a halt.

I’ve put in this “work” many times before. It’s all work, everyday, and then there’s extra work. Just trying is work. And then you have to “be able to” in the first place.

Pain hurts! It’s not as simple as many believe it should be. It’s not! All these things people think if we did, we’d be fine, is a form of false hope. It can be detrimental to force onto others “if they only did this” it could be all better. But since they won’t do it, or complain about it they must NOT want to get better. That’s not true! Perhaps there’s a few people out there that might apply to, but seriously not accurate for most of us.

Its a nice way to nudge someone into depression or raise their anxiety by guilt shaming them. After all, if they only tried.

How TF you know if they tried or not, or how much they’ve put in? You really don’t.

No wonder so many people feel badly about themselves. Worthless. Not measuring up. That’s not going to help them heal in any kind of way.

I prefer to love and care for people where they are. At all times. I know too deeply what it feels like to be judged, discarded, and thought lowly of.

It took 6 months again for my shoulder and cervical spine to finally ease down. During that time there were several instances that I thought it was near the end of its course. It wasn’t. The music movement therapy I’d been consistently doing at least 3 days a week, and sometimes 5 became less and less. The last time I completed a 3 day week was in early May with 1 day in last week.

My lumbar spine hasn’t slipped in nearly a year. Thank you, Jesus.

My neck and shoulder hadn’t been this bad since Manual Ligament Therapy nearly 6 years ago.

While that pain is wonderfully decreased currently, and has been for 2 months now, my neck is often swollen. Noticeable and embarrassing at times.

CRPS – I get days where my feet look great! I’ve had extreme edema, and discoloration more times than I could count. 1000s. It’s nearing 22 years since the injuries that caused it. There’s also a half dozen other significant problems in that foot alone. The other foot is better, yet has issues, too. Orthotics help when I can tolerate wearing them. Aligning my spine and posture is a major plus. Unfortunately the times when my feet swell, I can’t put them on, there’s no room to even try to force them and push through it.

There’s been times when swelling moderately existed, but not severely and I did wear them anyway. My feet already feel as if they’re being crushed, so all that does is really crush them. I have to learn to back off.

I have my own psychological hangup caused by others. “I must not be trying hard enough, and I must not want to get better”.

I wake each day full body swollen. My face, beyond puffy. It takes an hour or two every morning to be able to move about without that pain. I start moving myself immediately upon waking. The first walk to the kitchen is the toughest, feels horrible, and seems to take forever. Swelling may decrease throughout the day, even my appearance is better, and then the inflammation happens in my sleep it seems, and I wake to it all again, each and every day.

I’m still using Cat’s Claw.

I just had my soberversary 2 days ago. 3 years and 6 months alcohol free and 5 days ago, 4 months tobacco free.

Neither has made much of a difference in any overall pain related quality of life.

Still happy I stopped them tho.

I’m not doing well, nor am I doing badly. I’m managing.

I’m simply stable.

Made it to Georgia for Mama

My dad had just died a couple of weeks before. He passed away at home on Memorial Day. My mama was critical in ICU again, and not expected to make it. I hadn’t been able to reach Dad in time, nor attend his funeral. My Auntie, who was also my God Mother, was both holding on and passing away at the same time.

My brother in law sent me a ticket that would leave Sacramento June 28th, 2022. I had just a few day to ready myself. I would travel light, a small carry on backpack, the clothes I was wearing, 1 leggings, overall shorts, and a couple t-shirts, and camis to rotate.

Something incredible happened. 2 days before I’d board the plane, mama woke up.

And she was home by the time I got there. Instead of a visit that would’ve been spent by her side in the hospital, filled with uncertainty and grief, was overflowing with gratitude and grace.

Mother and Daughter – Stronger Than Pain

My sister and her husband did all they could to get me there. No one had this type of money. The ticket was over $600. I hadn’t seen my sister in person in 20 years.

Sisters – Annie and Twinkle

I really didn’t know how I’d physically make this trip, only that God always knows in advance everything, and all the extra physical therapy I’d been doing the many months prior would benefit me. The weight I’d lost would help me weight bare better, and I could do it, I had to.

I was more worried about my cognitive dysfunction. I made notes of everything I’d do, including “possibilities”, such as getting lost, or my legs giving out.

My daughter Rikki was driving from Michigan to pick me up at Atlanta and drive us to Manchester where Mama lives. She stayed with and took me back to the airport for my flight home.

My son Ozra had food and supplies delivered the day before I boarded. He bought my regulation backpack, jump battery for my phone, cash for airport coffee, and food if I needed.

Rikki would pay for anything I needed in GA. She bought me CBD honey sticks for pain. Grateful for my kids and everyone who helped me manage this.

Daughter and Mother- Rikki and Twinkle

I was there for my dad’s month anniversary and visited his resting place. It’ll also be where mama will be someday.

Dad – Don Marino Tresca

Breaks my heart that my God Mama went to heaven on June 28th while I was in the air. She still hasn’t been laid to rest yet.

I flew back home July 3rd.

I haven’t really begun to grieve. I know these things have happened, but it was all too close together. Couldn’t really process them as they were occurring. There wasn’t even any room for that.

My Mama is a miracle, and having reached her in time is another.

That’s my focus!

Thank you, Jesus!